Feeling at loss after amicable breakup

[Oceanbreeze]

I had a rather odd relationship with my ex. We had an amicable breakup this Monday after being together a little over a year. I'm 25 years old and he's 22. We started out as friends in a group, had a brief FWB arrangement and then continued as a couple because we wanted to try. After having a huge fight in the morning which included a lot of shouting, he pulled the trigger by saying that we can't do this anymore. We had a calm and friendly conversation where we both agreed that this will never change again. I already threw around threats of breaking up a few times already, but now it's for real. He also said, he respects me too much to let me go to find a better person me considering my age. Now we're intending to stay as friends because we do like each other as a friend.

 

We had our very good moments, but I think on my part I had more bad moments in memory during our relationship. Bickering became arguments, once a week became a daily thing. Considering this conclusion, I wonder why we didn't bow out a half year earlier since it's obvious that we're not compatible? Maybe because we thought we could work this out eventually, felt comfortable where we were with each other or that... I don't know? Maybe because I wanted it so badly that he's the one, because I just don't want to look for anyone anymore... Maybe because I was convinced I could change him...

 

I could list so many things about why we didn't work and perhaps never will. First of all, I never really felt a spark, the butterflies never really came. I would miss him, felt happy whenever I would see him, but I couldn't say I that I loved him. I hoped that love would come with time, but the fights we had didn't really help the process. He thought so too. Second of all, he already moved in with me after a mere 3 months, we thought why not? It's financially a better deal for both since he was always with me anyway. But that's where we really got to know each other and I didn't like it. I saw how emotionally immature he is and by far not ready for a (serious) relationship to be frank (ok... Granted... He's 22). Me on the other hand, I slowly realised that my frustration and anger towards him is consuming our relationship.

 

While my head already wanted to exit a long time ago, I can not help but feel at complete loss at the moment. Compared to my break up with my first ex, where I was a genuine pile of **** for two weeks and just a zombie for 4 months, I'm fairing actually quite well right now. I'm just incredibly sad, sad that I'm missing him a lot, sad that I'm suddenly alone again, sad that it didn't work out, but I'm especially sad that I'm unable to see what I currently want in life. It freaks me out so much, that I'm considering to reconcile just to have a peace of mind in that department at least, but yeah... Good to know my brain still knows better than my heart.

 

My heart is currently romanticizing my ex, where he changes into the person I long him to be. Where we're getting together again in 5 years when he's more mature. Typing this alone makes me wanna gag myself, because I'm clearly pulling a T. Swift "we are never getting back together" these days in my head too.

 

I don't know what's going on with me. I feel so sad right now and at loss. I don't feel like eating or doing anything. I already talked a lot with my girl friends. Gotten perspectives from single friends around me and it does cheer me up. But these downs are frustrating me so much I sometimes just cry in the middle of the day.

 

Words of encouragement?

[Wiseman2]

You did the right thing ending it, however staying friends won't help you move on. It sounds like it came full circle from friends to fwb to live-in couple back to friends.

 

It may be best to start dating men who are on the same page as you and go Much slower next time so you get to know them before they become live-in bfs.

he already moved in with me after a mere 3 months But that's where we really got to know each other and I didn't like it. I saw how emotionally immature he is and by far not ready for a (serious) relationship

[dirkdaring]

I'm just incredibly sad, sad that I'm missing him a lot, sad that I'm suddenly alone again, sad that it didn't work out, but I'm especially sad that I'm unable to see what I currently want in life. It freaks me out so much, that I'm considering to reconcile just to have a peace of mind in that department at least, but yeah... Good to know my brain still knows better than my heart.

 

You're fine to feel sadness right now. You've gone from a routine of having someone in your life on a regular basis, to that being over. I'm glad to hear that you KNOW it's not working and WHY, so keep those thoughts present.

When you start to feel those feelings of wanting him around, of thinking forward to when he's changed and more emotionally mature, remember that he's NOT emotionally mature enough right now, that he's not what you want, and repeat the reasons WHY in your head.

 

As for not knowing what you want in life right now, that's great that you even recognize that! This is the perfect proof that you need to focus on YOU right now! Start dating YOU; start building a relationship with YOU; don't think of it as selfish, think of it as you just met yourself, and you want to help make that person great. This alone will start to build your clarity, and you'll soon find things that you WANT to do, behaviors and traits you WANT in yourself, and also those you WANT in someone else when that time comes.

 

Focus on yourself. Fall in love with yourself. DO NOT RECONCILE WITH HIM in the hopes of finding peace of mind --- the simple truth is, you won't find it that way; in fact, it will develop into the opposite.

[moodindigo91]

While my head already wanted to exit a long time ago, I can not help but feel at complete loss at the moment. Compared to my break up with my first ex, where I was a genuine pile of **** for two weeks and just a zombie for 4 months, I'm fairing actually quite well right now. I'm just incredibly sad, sad that I'm missing him a lot, sad that I'm suddenly alone again, sad that it didn't work out, but I'm especially sad that I'm unable to see what I currently want in life. It freaks me out so much, that I'm considering to reconcile just to have a peace of mind in that department at least, but yeah... Good to know my brain still knows better than my heart.

 

DUDE. This is just how I feel right now. I thought I was crazy. I've been with my ex for 3 years... up until yesterday we've been living in a sort of pseudo-relationship arrangement. We "broke up" a long time ago, but live together and continued acting like a couple for all this time. I think it was eating us both up inside... our relationship was rocky and some parts absolutely horrible (you can read my old posts if you want), but he has changed so much in a good way since we broke up. I've been sort of content recently. Yesterday when I got home from work he asked to talk, so I said sure. We just kind of put it to bed. There were some tears, lots of apologies, talking about getting our own places and so on. For a moment I felt better, then later on he told me about a girl he talks to at the park who is just like me. He went on and on about what things we have in common. I realized this is the girl he's been seeing every day and not texting me during the hours he's at the park with our dog (I'm at work during this time). I don't know why, but suddenly I got really sad. I held it in until I showered later on, I didn't cry or anything. I felt quite fine, I just couldn't fight this overwhelming sadness. I sat down in the shower for a long time. I realized I would miss him, I realized I would lose the dog, I realized I would be lonely... although I wanted this relationship to end and bowed out a long time ago, I just felt such a loss yesterday when it really sort of happened. We are both leaving the apartment at the end of this month, I'm just incredibly sad, and I feel as though I've lost a lot (I mean, despite how horrible we were to each other, he is my best friend and I do love him). I think he also thinks that I hate him or think low of him, which breaks my heart. I know this is a natural phase in a break-up, and after some time I will feel happy. I definitely feel your pain here. I'm at work right now unable to even concentrate (so many unread emails) so I'm on here...

 

All I can say is that this will pass. You made the right decision and you feel a loss because you lost something. I think you are just handling your sadness in a different way from when you did in the past. Keep talking to your friends, and I suggest starting to keep a journal if you don't already. I also keep a thing called a commonplace book, where I record bits and pieces of what other people say that I find inspiring or that I want to write about. It's basically a storage space for all of my favorite and inspirational quotes. I carry my journal, my commonplace book, and a regular book around with me on weekdays because I never know when I'll need to read or write for encouragement or therapy. Reading and writing are incredibly therapeutic to me, and I think it might be the same for you (or music or sports, you know, whatever).

 

Good luck *hugs*

[Oceanbreeze]

Good thing he lives quite primitive and doesn't have a lot of stuff at my place. I sent him away the same day we broke up, back to his parents who happens to also live in the same city, after I rejected the idea to let him stay till the end of the month. I'll probably be better off that way than letting the healing process be prolonged even longer.

 

This discomfort and sadness I'm having is also something I've been feeling quite some time. While I can be alone, I'm absolutely terrified to be alone forever. Call me old fashioned, but I expect to have certain things when I reach 30: a partner, a house and to be able to plan a family. The fact that I can't imagine him to be the father of my children breaks my heart. Not because it's not him, but because I still need to wait for ~the one~. I have plenty of friends who are single and the same age, male and female, and they're doing fine I suppose. But somehow I always have these thoughts that I end up alone as a spinster

 

My first relationship lasted for almost four years, and I really loved him. I assume that's why I was a complete wreck back then compared to now. I think I started a new relationship, a year and a half later, with ex 2, because it felt nice to be held again at night and holding hands. To cook and care for someone. I was too naive to think that it would ever work out. In that aspect, yes, I will be more careful next time when I start dating new people, that I won't move too fast. However for now, I won't be doing that. I'm going to focus on graduating in my masters at university, since it's my last year.

[Wiseman2]

Try not to let a ticking clock force fit all the wrong guys into your life. Find someone on the same page/maturity level to begin wit . Start dating guys in the 25-35 y/o range rather than kids living with their parents.

I sent him away the same day we broke up, back to his parents

 

I expect to have certain things when I reach 30: a partner, a house and to be able to plan a family.

[Oceanbreeze]

Try not to let a ticking clock force fit all the wrong guys into your life. Find someone on the same page/maturity level to begin wit . Start dating guys in the 25-35 y/o range rather than kids living with their parents.

 

I agree with you, but I can't help it. I guess I really like to have someone around, but does that make me not "loving myself" enough? I thought I was ready last year, now I'm second guessing whether that was really the case. I've read so many stuff on break ups after the first one, that I do know one thing or two about self empowerment (thanks to this forum also). Not sure if it's really my bio clock that's ticking, but rather the social expectations of the Asian community (as I'm Asian).

 

While he is sort of a kid, gotta give it to him that he left his own place to come into mine. However, the fact that his parents live nearby, makes it easier for me and him to sent him away

[Oceanbreeze]

I did not expect that I would take this break up that much to heart. I miss him so much at the moment, the tears won't stop falling