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Sex and depression may have ruined a great relationship


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Hi I will try to keep this short but include as much info as I can.


About over a year ago I met a girl and we hit it off pretty great right from the start. We flirted and talked a whole lot and started to hang out pretty often. After about a month and a half we started dating and everything felt and seemed great. She always mentioned why are you so good time? or why do you treat me so well? ...We were affectionate but also we became good friends, we would go out on dates, and hang out on her couch, play video games watch movies, the sex was great and everything seemed easy. One night we were at her house watching youtube videos and being silly, I remember that night she greeted me with a big kiss... and then she suddenly tells me that she isn't feeling it and thinks we should break up. She said that I was a great bf but she jsut didn't feel right holding my hand or kissing etc...


I was crushed. We didn't talk for about 3 days and then I broke and called her and texted her, I told her that I was fine being friends. So we were just friends, and we got even closer, we talked a lot more and about deeper things, we confessed a lot about each other and really got to know each other... we became best friends.... we still talked every day and hung out at least 3 times a week... dinner, video games, movies, parties etc... eventually one night we had sex again... and everything seemed fine... this happened a couple of more times... and a lot of those times she would initiate it.... and it was great. Everything from the sex to the friendship and everything else felt great.


One night she tells me that she is worried, that she isn't enjoying sex anymore, she said its not you at all... the sex is great but afterwards something feels wrong... even when she masturbated she couldn't enjoy it and wasn't feeling good. I told her she didnt have to have sex with me... that there was no pressure at all... then she said lets try anyway and I said are you sure... and we did and she said it was great as usual but still something didnt feel right.... Our relationship kept growing and moving along for a couple of months.


Then about 2 weeks ago, we go out to dinner and everything seems fine... the next morning... she tells me that she doesn't want to have sex anymore... that the past couple of times she has not really wanted to... and that its not the actual sex its just that she isnt enjoying it or feeling good about it... specially afterwards... she then says we need to stop talking for a while and take a break to be able to jsut be friends.... that the fact that we acted so much liek we were together.. she felt like she had to please me and she had to have sex with me... I told her I never wanted her to feel forced that I only wanted it if she wnated it too... she said that because we're so affectionate and close and that I treat her so well she feels like she needs to get used to not having sex with me for a while and not talk... because she doesnt want to get to the point that she is still doing it... I wont say no and then eventually not want to see me at all....

She said she cared about me and loved me and loved spending time with me and talking etc... but that she sees this as the only solution... to take this break for a while...


I have to mention that she does suffer from depression and mood swings... and she said last time I spoke to her that she has cried lately...


I am just trying to make sense of all this. Please let me know your thoughts.



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maybe in her mind she's forcing herself to have sex with you to pay you back for being nice to her. it's the craziest thought, but she doesn't sound like a normal girl. she's got issues... she probably has low self-esteem. that's probably why she's depressed. she should see a therapist if she has not already.

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The "something feels wrong" after sex is interesting. Does she come from a religious background or something? She could be dealing with guilt/shame of some kind. It sounds to me like she is also really struggling with depression. Maybe that's the primary issue here.


You've been content to be there for her in whatever role she needs you to be in (friend, lover, somewhere in between). I don't know if she is planning to get help, but you may have to decide how much hot and cold you are willing to put up with. I'm sure when it's good it's really good, but when it's bad it seems pretty bad. Don't spend months and months hanging on to a dead relationship simply for the sake of how good it's been in the past. Make your decisions based on your "relationship" as it now stands and where you see it heading in the short term.

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It sounds like you two have been broken up for at least a month? That's really the bottom line. Exes shouldn't really try the whole best friends with some benefits thing because it is very confusing to both of you.


I would suggest that you rip the bandaid off and cut contact with her so you can move on.

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Sounds like she's confused and vacillating between fwb and the friendzone. Do you think she's seeing or into someone else and feels guilty about the fwb so downshifted to friendzone?

she tells me that she doesn't want to have sex anymore... and that its not the actual sex its just that she isnt enjoying it or feeling good about it... specially afterwards... she then says we need to stop talking for a while and take a break to be able to jsut be friends.
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My experience with people who say things like 'why are you so nice to me?! Why do you treat me so well?!' Is that they tend to have a low self esteem and they tend to flip flop due to that.

I generally choose not to get too close nor rely upon someone like this. Not because they are bad people, but because by telling me outright that they do not expect and have trouble accepting decent behaviour and caring by others, they will have a hard time showing that to me. You can't give what you don't have.


I really wouldn't be surprised if she is shoring up her emotional reserves with attention and/ or sex from someone else too.


I'm sorry, this is only my opinion and experience. She needs to get to know and love herself first - and that's her job. I'd bow out while you still have positive feelings towards her.

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We are all only guessing at this point but it could be a number of things.

1. she is playing you and spends time with and sex but is also doing so with someone else and feels some kind of guilt


2. she feels because you're nice to her that she has to repay you and this is why she ends up feeling shameful about the sex, etc


3. she is a very emotionally messed up person and needs medication and/or therapy.


As you can see, none of these are good and it's in your best interest to back away so she can figure her own head out and you don't get yours messed with too.

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