Samhanes Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 I my ex had been sending me mixed signals for about a month where we would go out and have a good time then she would say she felt anxious and stressed at the end. I would then bring up emotional stuff. The whole time she would say she wants me to be happy but not wanted to be my wife. I got mad in about the second week and sent an email that said how screwed up things were. She responded with how she sees changes but not sure they will last. That she can't give me hope because that's a control thing and she said I controlled her. Fat forward 3 weeks. I know I shouldn't have but I was way too out of my mind at the time. I finally stood up to her in an email. In it I said I need to go no contact with her for my own sanity. She texted we needed to talk. I ignored the email because I was still hurting. An hour and a half later she sent an email. That is not like her. She is a writer and a lawyer and she always take time to respond and think about what she's going to say. She went ballistic. She said I was immature and contradicted my other statements in the email that said I wanted to work on things with her. She said she was going to get the divorce started. I freaked out and called her. She said she had been sitting in the parking lot of her work witting for me to call that's where she wrote the letter. She said she wa missing work for this (she never misses work). We met later that day and I was able to convince her after a nice lunch that no contact was the best thing for me to get my head right and for her to cool down her animosity towards me. I asked her if this was a good thing and she said "it has to be because nothing else is working". I then let my emotions get to me and said "I suppose this is what you want. To be rid of me so you can forget me" (childish, I know). She gave me a death look and said "do I look happy?" That was confusing enough. What I dot understand is why the hell she would care about no contact? I was nice enough to tell her I was doing it because it seemed childish not to after 15 years. Why would she care about it and say it contradicts wanting to work things out if she's already dumped me and has no intention of coming back?? I'm in my 8th day. We are supposed to check in on the 30th. I'm not sure I even want to now. I love her but feel thrown away. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Its not "no contact" if you have a date you will check in by. This is just a game you are playing. No contact is - decide that you are not okay with her not seeing you as husband material and deciding that its over, then break up and don't contact her. To me, there is nothing to "work on". If you are okay with dating that won't end in marriage - then date her - whatever - but if she does not see you as a future husband, and you want a future wife, stop this madness and break it off. No "checking in on the 30th" You were NOT thrown away. She simply does not see you as her life match. And that's okay. You should stop move on and heal so you both can find the right match. Link to comment
Samhanes Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 It was her idea to check in. I never gave a date. Link to comment
Samhanes Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 How is it not no contact, lol. We decided 30 day to see if she cooled down and I could stop being emotional. That's not even the questions I asked. I was trying to figure out why she got so mad when she's the one that left me. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 How is it not no contact, lol. We decided 30 day to see if she cooked down and I could stop being emotional. That's not even the questions I asked. No contact is no contact. However - if someone tells you that they don't see you as husband/wife material, what is the point of checking in and working things out? You guys just don't match up. You can try to fit a square peg in a round hole - but try as you might, I think you could go on for months or years of "trying to work things out and trying to get along" and it just won't if you are not a match Link to comment
Samhanes Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 We matched for 13 years. The last two were hard I have a disability and it changed me. I am working hard on myself. Link to comment
Samhanes Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 I'm not delusional and think this will change her mind. i know it takes more work than 30 days no contact. I have made many changes for the positive. At first they were for her but they are for me now. The past two months have been a real life changer in a good way but I still miss her. I wasn't a man anymore. She became my voice. I am ready to stand and walk away but I will still try to save my love of 15 years. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 We matched for 13 years. The last two were hard I have a disability and it changed me. I am working hard on myself. You didn't match if you were together 13 years and she does not see you as husband material. I am sorry you now have a disability, but why weren't you married in year 5? year 10? at this point, its beating a dead horse. There are tons of couples who feel even more committed after an accident or illness and there is no glue here. It is exhausting to have a relationship where you stop talking and check in "in 10 days/in 30 days/in 6 months" You have to make a clean break and break up and work on yourself and if you cross paths in the future, and you are in a better place, it will show. If you WANT to work on a relationship DO NOT go no contact. You go to counseling. Going no contact is not to "work on a relationship" - its to work on YOURSELF. But there is no counseling to fix when someone doesn't see the other as marriage material. You can't counsel your way out of it. EIther someone wants to be with you or not. Link to comment
Samhanes Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 What? We were married and in love for 13 years. The last two of 15 is where the issues arose. I don't understand the 5 and 10 remark. And I have been in counseling since she left Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 What? We were married and in love for 13 years. The last two of 15 is where the issues arose. I don't understand the 5 and 10 remark. And I have been in counseling since she left I don't think i read that you were married. It may have been my error. I thought she said you weren't husband material and you guys were not married. Since you ARE married, I would suggest marriage counseling, not no contact! You don't go "no contact" with your spouse if you want to stay married. If she won't go to marriage counseling, then I don't really know what to tell you. I would contact her and tell her you set an appointment for marriage counseling or research places to do marriage counseling and ask her to go with you. No contact is an act of seperation in marriage, not "working it out" Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 What? We were married and in love for 13 years. The last two of 15 is where the issues arose. I don't understand the 5 and 10 remark. And I have been in counseling since she left Are you currently married and seperated or are you divorced?? Link to comment
Samhanes Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 Separated with limited email contact for emergencies and finacial/dogs issues. I'm confused because of emails like this. "You say that you are the person I met all those years ago before you became clouded by illness, but it is hard for me to fully believe that this change is permanent at this early stage. That worry can really only be solved by time." Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Separated with limited email contact for emergencies and finacial/dogs issues. I'm confused because of emails like this. "You say that you are the person I met all those years ago before you became clouded by illness, but it is hard for me to fully believe that this change is permanent at this early stage. That worry can really only be solved by time." She is telling you that she can't yet believe the positive changes you have made are permanent yet. She believes you will go back to your old ways quickly. So just keep going to counseling, getting the medical help you need for whatever condition you have etc, and whatever you need to do to get on track and eliminate any "poor me" attitude. She is burned and needs time. The only thing you can do is to not flip out on her every time she sends you a note. Otherwise you are proving you have not changed over and over. At a certain point, though, you need to start marriage counseling unless you want a divorce. Link to comment
Samhanes Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 Is there a better time to send her an apology letter? I mean a real one. Where I acknowledge and take responsibility for my actions. My apologies up until no contact where filled with emotion and blame. I was thinking the week before we checked in. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 but I will still try to save my love of 15 years. Off you go then... good luck. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Keep it minimal perfunctory contact rather than emotionally charged contact or taking the bait. She said she was going to get the divorce started.Same situation? Link to comment
Samhanes Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 That's my post. She's is holding off on papers right now. Link to comment
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