What happened to the sparks/chemistry? And attracted to someone else?

[Beautiful-Love]

Hi guys...

 

 

I have something that been bugging me. I've been with my SO for 7 years (since 2009). We've known each other for 10 years when I was 16. Now we are 26 and living together. We've had so many ups and downs in our relationship. Last year especially after he moved in, we almost broke up a few times over some issues. Don't get me wrong, we love each other to death. I trust him with everything and he the same. We've become best friend and I basically know him for my entire adulthood. Due to last year, there were times where I thought I wouldn't be able to live without him if he was to be gone. Now I feel like I'm stronger and more dependent -- I think I learned to cope with the thoughts of losing him.

 

But I'm not sure...Sometimes I Feel like we don't have the sparks that we used to. Maybe this is natural. I've never been in a serious relationship beside with him so I can't really compare this to anything I've experienced. We still do a lot of stuff together, we kiss, we hold hands, we lock arms, I am completely comfortable with him in every way I can imagine, but sometimes I just feel like the sparks that we had died along the way...

 

I look at him sometimes and think he is just so beautiful. He's the best person I've know. But why do I feel this way??

 

We are renting a room right now in a house, so we live with other people. I'm going to a graduate school while he's working. Sometimes due to our tiny space I feel claustrophobic. I took a 2 week vacation home to see my parents out of state. He couldn't come with me. Then I took a 4-day trip to California to see my aunt. While there I met a friend of mine with other friends. Went to 6 flags. I don't know but I guess I got swept away. The friend that I saw there (I'll call him R) made me feel like I was 16 again -- I think I probably had a crush on him. Our friends thought we were flirting a lot that entire day. There were sparks. Nothing happened. But it's also been on my mind ever since then that I may be attracted to R. I'm not in love with him nor am I thinking of having sex or anything like that, just to clarify.

 

After meeting R there, I confided in a couple of close friends about my mixed feelings since I'd never felt this way before for another guy while with my SO. I went home confused, still thinking about both R and SO. Of course, R knew I wasn't available and he's not going to pursue. He's a friend. But I just hate this feeling. Now I am back at our place, and my trip in Cali is becoming a blur. I haven't talked to R since, but occasionally my mind would slip to the good times that we had.

 

Now back with SO, everything is good. We are on good terms. We talked about possibly doing more things together and I hope maybe the sparks will come back.

 

I just don't know. Maybe it's the idea of possibilities, especially because we've almost broken up a few times last year that somehow my mind subconsciously goes to that place where I wouldn't feel in such despair ever if my SO and I weren't together anymore. Not that I don't love him anymore but feeling like we don't have the sparks doesn't help my situation.

 

 

I just don't know if this is normal with long-term relationships? Is it normal to feel attracted to someone else while u are in love with your significant other?

 

Any insights would be much appreciated.

[gebaird]

The outside world doesn't cease to exist just because you are in a committed relationship. There are always going to be funny, smart, handsome guys out there -- many of whom you could be very compatible with.

 

Sparks bring two people together, but being in a relationship is a choice. The sparks usually die somewhere along the way, and what once brought automatic happiness now requires work. You could be with R, or your current guy, or anyone for that matter and eventually you would face this same dilemma.

 

No one knows exactly how it feels to be you, so any advice you receive could miss the mark. I think you need to take a close look at the relationship you now have and decide if it's worth saving. Invest in it, see it as it could be and work to improve it. Let it live or die on its own merits, and then if you can't make it work look for a guy like R (once you've taken time to work through your post-breakup baggage) and enjoy the sparks while they last. Then let your sense of commitment and loyalty carry you the rest of the way.

 

If you jump now to be with R (or someone else), I worry you'll experience a lot of pain and regret, hurt people along the way (including yourself) and maybe the new relationship won't work out the way you want.

 

Have you heard of the 7 year itch? It's a very real thing, but it can lead to a revival of romance rather than the end of it. If you're unhappy, look for ways to remedy your current situation. Don't walk away from a 7 year relationship without a good reason, without knowing you did all you could to make it work.

[dave_1966]

I was reading your piece, got two lines in and thought 'she's met someone else' then read the title to the thread. People wonder why guys don't want to marry anymore when you can lose everything you've worked for because your other half isn't feeling it anymore.

[Zippy2000]

The "spark" as you refer to is the initial high feeling you get when you first meet. Theres lots of articles about this "feel good chemical".

 

The definition of love chemicals in your body:

 

"First attraction, first "sparks" in the air followed by falling in love are caused by combination of three neurochemicals: phenylethylamine, norepinephrine and dopamine. Later stages of long relationships are guiding by another two: oxytocin and serotonin."

 

People have these chemicals in the early stages of a relationship or fling. Give it tme when time passes and the monotony of everyday life. These chemicals diminish over time. Thas why its important to get to know the person over time rather than jump in too quickly.

 

To get the spark back you need to start romancing like you did in the early days. Do new things together and experience other things. If you dont do this then you ll take each other for granted and argue over the little things.

 

It takes two people to make sparks fly,

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like things went downhill sparks-wise, after living together especially in such an unsuitable space for a couple. Can you get a part time job to help get a better place.

 

Just getting out of there a few days and away from each other proved to make you feel alive with room to breathe again.

Unfortunately you attribute this to running into some old crush, rather than being away from an abysmal stress inducing romance killing living situation.

 

What this illustrates is that to keep the romance alive you both need breathing room, space and some separate interests activities. Between being joined at the hip for 10 yrs and stuffed into this living space, you will get sick of/annoyed at each other.

we are 26 and we live with other people. Sometimes due to our tiny space I feel claustrophobic. I took a 2 week vacation home to see my parents out of state. He couldn't come with me. I am back at our place, and my trip in Cali is becoming a blur. I haven't talked to R since, but occasionally my mind would slip to the good times that we had.

 

]

[Lester]

"I just don't know if this is normal with long-term relationships?"

- Maybe not normal, but very, very common. (Read the endless 'relationship failure' threads here on ena.)

 

"Is it normal to feel attracted to someone else while u are in love with your significant other?"

- Serious flirting is not incidental fleeting attraction.

You may have a convenient, working partnership, but it's not genuine, committed love.

 

Sorry