Do you consider this cheating?

[ohwhatfun]

Wondering if others would consider this cheating or if im over reacting? Im interested in hearing from guys and girls.

 

My husband is receiving "favors" if you will or oral sex from other women, that hes paying. Of course this is something he doesn't openly admit and ive found out myself.

 

How would you even bring this up? He shuts down if there's ever an argument or discussion and will deny it to hells end. This is not okay with me and quite frankly im disgusted and dont want to sleep in the same bed as him or even look at him for that matter. I consider it cheating. If I allowed another man to give me favors it'd be cheating.

 

Some back info:

Been married 4 years, together for 7. From the beginning my husband has struggled in the bedroom, ive tried to work with him and be patient but he hardly lasts and hes pretty much given up it seems and has zero interest anymore. Im screaming from the inside, I know its not easy for men to deal with or talk about and ive been 100% supportive. Im not bad looking, not shabby in bed, I try to keep it exciting but it takes forever to get him "revved up"... I have needs that are not being met. Ive stayed faithful. He used to travel for work and I believe thats when this habit started and now hes at it again. Maybe thats the only thing that gets him excited, sneaking around?? Well anyway its not all about him and im ready to move on because this just takes the cake along with some other issues.. just wanted to get others advice. Were in our late 20s for goodness sakes!!

[Seraphim]

Yes. Absolutely.

 

Gone in a heartbeat.

[reinventmyself]

Whoa. I can't believe you even are asking.

 

I hear you making excuses for him and maybe even wondering if you are responsible in some way.

YES. It IS undeniably cheating, not to mention violating your trust and a willful act that will destroy any marriage.

 

Be thankful you are still young and you can shake this off, take some time to heal and someday find a worthwhile partner.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like visiting prostitutes is how he copes. He's in his 20s and impotent? How long has your sex life been this bad? Are these female prostitutes?

 

It doesn't matter if he's "cheating". What matters is he's having extramarital sex with prostitutes. How did you discover this?

Were in our late 20s for goodness sakes!!

[ohwhatfun]

Its true ive wondered if im the problem? I know im not i just cant believe it. Im sick to my stomach about it and dont even know how to bring it up.

[greta96]

Lol...God help him if I had concrete proof of him getting oral sex from prostitutes (because that's what you call those who offer sexual favors for money).

And how do you know he's not also having intercourse with them?

How do you bring it up? Easy. Present him with the proof you have and tell him to pack his bags. Don't listen to anything he has to say, because no explanation matters at this point.

I do hope you have tangible proof of him doing said acts, or else it may be a bit more difficult.

PS - I don't *consider* it cheating, it IS cheating. I can't believe you're second guessing this!

[ohwhatfun]

Our love life has been a rollercoaster this whole time, 90% of the time its awful. I found out from deleted messages and internet history while looking for something else. Since then hes deleted everything so i have no physical proof now but that doesnt matter.

[MirandaM]

Sorry you had to find out something like this, and do I consider that cheating? A million times yes.

 

I know someone who does not think it's cheating because it is 'paid' for which makes me go '?????' To each their own I guess?

 

Anyway you are not over reacting at all in my opinion and it's reasonable to feel in denial when you have been married for some time.

I hope you can resolve this with your husband asap and you deserve better.

[HeartGoesOn]

Yes, it's cheating, you're not overreacting, and you're giving him a free pass by not bringing it up. Keep in mind that cheating is a personal choice, therefore his actions are not caused by anything you did.

 

It's your call, but I would doubt you could move on with this dark cloud hanging over your head. It's a tough pill to swallow, yet it is what it is.

[reinventmyself]

You're afraid to bring it up because he refuses to communicate? Understandable.

How about this? - No conversation necessary. Leave him and note and leave.

[Matt3939]

I'm curious what is your proof? I travel for work but I would never cheat on my partner. Its absolutely cheating.

[Wiseman2]

How did you discover this? You claim "He shuts down if there's ever an argument or discussion and will deny it to hells end", so you have tried to confront him about it? Have you been seen for stds that came back positive?

I know im not i just cant believe it. dont even know how to bring it up.

[janut1]

Yes it is cheating!! In your 20's? Man that is way to young to be having this problem in a marriage already! You have tons of time to get over this marriage and eventually find someone who is sexually compatible with you and treats you much better.

 

My recommendation is to LEAVE and never look back.

[ParisPaulette]

Keeping it simple, any sexual contact with another person that is hidden and not agreed to by your partner is cheating. Doesn't matter if they're paid or not, blue or tall or male or female, it's cheating.

 

Don't care if "we never met, it's all online, it was just once, it's only (fill in sex act)" it's cheating.

 

Looking at images (provided they're legal, if not that's a whole other kettle of fish) is not cheating provided it's gotten on normal porn channels like films, books, naughty magazines or website. You have access just as freely and that's all good and fine. Or go rent a Ryan Gosling film and do slo mo every time he takes his shirt off (the Notebook is great for that-the shirtlessness!) All of THAT is not cheating.

 

Accepting naughty pics from a live person? Yep, cheating because that can and many times does lead to sex with said person, so yep cheating.

 

I'm going to try to say this as gently as possible, but go get tested for STDs and these favors? What are they exactly? Is he blackmailing this woman or is it consensual. If it's blackmail, do not pass go, do not do anything but take what you've found to the police, report his butt, be packed up and gone by the time he gets back. Help her out, because he needs to go to jail.

 

If it's mutual it's an affair and you work out how to get out of there and go and you divorce his butt. Go see a lawyer on the downlow to find out what your rights and actions are first.

 

This won't stop and yes, in spite of every politician's cry that sex acts not involving sex are NOT cheating come on we all know that's crap. So does your husband. He's cheating on you like it's his second job. (A phrase I openly admit to stealing from someone else on this forum.)

 

I'm really sorry you found all this out, but better now than later. So act. This won't get better and he may just give you something you can't get rid of that puts you health at risk.

[Knot2loud]

Why bother asking for proof from the OP? It's pretty clear she's right on the mark with her husband. SO she's 90% miserable in her marriage and 10% other (whatever that might be).

 

You're still in your 20's? Gheesh! You're still a bargain - darn near in your prime! What's taking you so long to wake up and smell the roses?

 

Go see a lawyer.

[moodindigo91]

That is disgusting. How could this not be called cheating? It's even worse that he is paying for it, IMO.

 

Leave him, don't even talk to him about it... he doesn't deserve as much.

[Unreasonable]

If getting blowies from prostitutes isn't cheating, I don't know what is.

 

I admit I'm very curious how you know this is happening though.

[greta96]

Our love life has been a rollercoaster this whole time, 90% of the time its awful. I found out from deleted messages and internet history while looking for something else. Since then hes deleted everything so i have no physical proof now but that doesnt matter.

 

You're right, it doesn't matter. I just wanted to make sure you have concrete facts to go on, it would have been better if you printed those pages because it would have made it easier to get him to leave, but as long as you know beyond a doubt that he partook in those activities, all you need to do is tell him it's over. Especially since you're not even happy with him and haven't been in a long time.

 

You don't need excuses, reasons, nothing. Tell him you're done with him and consult a divorce lawyer.

[Matt3939]

I asked about the proof cause I was accused and it was the farthest thing from the truth. Makes no sense if somone had proof why wouldn't they be out the door within a second. Plus if he had trouble how would a prostitute help? Plus proof would help with a divorce.

[ohwhatfun]

All of the proof he has since deleted before i could get screenshots or anything because hes probably onto me. Deleted messages, voicemails, browsing history. I have not brought this up yet, but with any issues in the past he instantly shuts down or goes 100% defensive just trying to have a normal conversation about something. I dont usually get worked up or give a reason for him to get so defensive so obviously hes guilty when that happens. I have gone to the Dr yes to be sure I am clear of anything. How sad.

[ThatwasThen]

Its true ive wondered if im the problem? I know im not i just cant believe it. Im sick to my stomach about it and dont even know how to bring it up.

 

I'd bring it up by telling him what your divorce lawyer has said you're entitled to.

[ohwhatfun]

Thank you all for your feedback. The details arent important since youre all on the same page as me but it appears he has also has visited massage parlors and had all kinds of sites on that. Im not sure what all "goes down" there but I know its not right and im sure you get what you pay for. I could only dig so deep into all of this while having access to his phone but I saw what I needed to.

 

At this time I have so many feelings going on I think im going to write him a letter, I dont want to leave anything out and its just so hard for me to stomach right now. I guess I am just in denial that this could be happening and im just now finding out by luck.

[ThatwasThen]

Thank you all for your feedback. The details arent important since youre all on the same page as me but it appears he has also has visited massage parlors and had all kinds of sites on that. Im not sure what all "goes down" there but I know its not right and im sure you get what you pay for. I could only dig so deep into all of this while having access to his phone but I saw what I needed to.

 

At this time I have so many feelings going on I think im going to write him a letter, I dont want to leave anything out and its just so hard for me to stomach right now. I guess I am just in denial that this could be happening and im just now finding out by luck.

Write him a letter saying what? I do hope its that you're leaving him and you'll only consider reconciliation if he gets the sex addiction therapy that he apparently is in such a need of.

 

Sorry you've discovered such a horrendous and decision forcing situation.

[ohwhatfun]

A letter that its over. He doesnt do well with confrontation or communicating about serious topics so I plan to say goodbye, im done and here is a letter why. Talking goes no where with him. I am done, this is not our only issue but it is the biggest. I cant forgive that and move on.

[Heavy]

Best way to say bye is through your lawyer. That will be straight to the point, nothing more needs to be said and then you can get on with your life without this cheating scumbag. It's guys like this that change a woman's mind into saying all guys are like this and the good guys who don't cheat and move the world for a woman never get chance.

 

Good luck with it all