Confused and Sad - Am I doing the right thing?

[baxters]

My boyfriend of 3 years just ended things with me. I am feeling so sad and confused. We had been best friends since we were 12 years old. Now at 23, he has decided that he wants to be single. The last year has been rough for our relationship. I was suffering from some mental health issues and that made me very withdrawn. He tried to be there for me but just wasn't able to be supportive as I needed. I never blamed him for that because I know it is tiring to deal with someone who has mental health issues. Things seemed to get a lot better in April this year and I was looking forward to the two of us moving forward. However, he decided to work at a summer camp out of town. We were not able to communicate at all while he was gone (maybe once a week). On his time off he made little to no effort to see me. He came back from camp last week and told me that he doesn't want to put the effort into the relationship and wants to be single. He said that being at camp made him feel single and that it was nice to have people at camp notice him and pay attention. He said that he still loves me but he just doesn't have the energy right now. He is confused about his future career plans and wants to find out who he is outside of a relationship. The first day was hard and I called him crying and asking for an explanation. He gave the best he could. He says he knows it is selfish to want to be friends, but he wants that. He also knows he can't ask me to wait. He says we need a couple of weeks apart to heal and then we can talk. He says he knows logically that we are perfect for each other and that down the road we could be together but he can't make any promises. I haven't contacted him since the day after we broke up (10 days now). I have thrown myself into doing things (kick boxing class, rock climbing, school). I also booked a volunteer trip in another country for January. I've decided the best I can do is work on myself and making me happy. That if he wants to come back to me he will. I don't know if this is the right choice though. Should I try to be friends with him to leave that line open? Or should I stay with no contact. Any suggestions or support would be appreciated. I feel so down right now.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this and you are doing all the right things getting back into your interests, going no contact, expanding your own horizons, etc. To be honest this has more to do with age/situation than anything else.

 

He basically wants to experience his freedom now that he's at this age. It is nothing personal nor anything to do with your emotional state.

He came back from camp last week and told me that he doesn't want to put the effort into the relationship and wants to be single. He said that being at camp made him feel single and that it was nice to have people at camp notice him and pay attention.

[gebaird]

I haven't contacted him since the day after we broke up (10 days now). I have thrown myself into doing things (kick boxing class, rock climbing, school). I also booked a volunteer trip in another country for January. I've decided the best I can do is work on myself and making me happy. That if he wants to come back to me he will.

 

Well done! What you are doing isn't easy by any means, but it's EXACTLY the right approach! What else can you do besides life your life? I'm sorry this happened, but you were right to avoid the friend zone. When you still have romantic feelings for someone, being "friends" is very painful. If you're not in a place where you can be okay hearing stories about him dating other girls, you don't want to be anywhere near the friend zone.

 

Be grateful for the love the two of you shared, and for the time you had together. Trust that your heart will heal in time and that good things are ahead for you.

[baxters]

Sorry to hear this and you are doing all the right things getting back into your interests, going no contact, expanding your own horizons, etc. To be honest this has more to do with age/situation than anything else.

 

He basically wants to experience his freedom now that he's at this age. It is nothing personal nor anything to do with your emotional state.

 

If it is age/situational do you think there is any hope that we could find our way back to each other at a later point in life? Is it worth it to even entertain that idea?

 

He told me that he doesn't want to be with anyone else - that he is really just committed to being single. I don't think this is true, I feel like he must want to sleep with other women. Do you think part of him wanting freedom is wanting to try what else is out there and see if it is better than me?

[Wiseman2]

Yes he probably wants to sow some wild oats along the way, but you should not be putting your life on hold in any way for this. You too should enjoy your freedom...and sow a few of your own wild oats.

I feel like he must want to sleep with other women.

[baxters]

So I just move on? And if it is meant to be then it will be?

[Wiseman2]

Yes. You also need to broaden your horizons because you can't stay still while the rest of the world goes around.

So I just move on? And if it is meant to be then it will be?

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[baxters]

How else can I do this? I have signed up to take two new classes (one in kick boxing and one in rock climbing. I am playing basketball again with some friends from school. I am going on a volunteer abroad trip in 4 months time). Or does that process just take time?