Boyfriend is irresponsible with money.

[BecxyRex]

I need some advice on this behavior. My boyfriend lives paycheck to paycheck and has never saved any money. He frequently runs out of money before he's issued a new paycheck and has to literally find quarters in the house to buy himself a snack from the vending machine. Usually, this happens 2 or so days before pay. Not every month, but ALMOST.

 

He pays his share of the bills (we live together) and that's not an issue, but when it comes to planning anything bigger, like a trip or any larger expense, I'm on my own.

 

I also run into the issue of, should I buy him food or let him suffer so he learns from his mistakes? I'd rather not treat a grown man this way, but it's hard to not feel responsible. (He's 35, I'm 29.) He's generous with his money when he has it, buying me dinner or little gifts, but that might be part of the problem. His planning is poor, and I don't want to assume role of financial adviser. I'd assume an adult knows how much they can spend and how much they need to put back for upcoming expenses. At least I work that way. I save money every month and am generally very responsible in my spending. It's frustrating to no end to see your partner as dead weight rather than someone who pulls on the same string. I'm afraid we'll never be able to travel together or even buy a house at some point.

 

He gets uncomfortable talking about it so it seems. When I confront him, which, granted, may not be the most productive way (I'll see him sniff for quarters and ask "Did you run out again? Why?") He likes to say things like "Well, had I not bought this thing for you".... or....."You forced me to save this amount of money last month, well this is what happens..." basically it's everyone else's fault. He never attributes it to his poor planning. I'm frustrated. I love him, but my attraction to him is suffering. This has been going on for MONTHS. Again, he pays the bills and doesn't beg me for money when he's broke, but I can't help but find it pathetic to witness and fear for our future. HELP!

 

I'd like to know if any of you have been through this and how you've helped your partners. I don't want to give up, because other than that it's a good relationship.

[SkellyWoozle]

He could be me! I've never been great with money, have rarely saved and find it impossibly hard to talk about with anyone, let alone my partner or my family. I do alright, but like your bf, I struggle to save and say to myself "there's always tomorrow" or "next month". But, like your bf, I pay my way and very rarely ask for any help. If you're in for the long haul then maybe you need to sit down and talk to him. Equally, being the "man of the house" he may find it embarrassing that he's not got enough money and finds it hard to talk about. Tell him you don't need gifts for him to prove he loves you. If he wants to get something then do the grocery shopping instead. You're a joint venture and if it works, then leave it be - don't make him feel worse if he doesn't need to, for the time being. Good luck X

[j.man]

I'd be on your side if it weren't for the fact you know he ends up not having money after getting you gifts, so why accept them? Maybe you're not in a position to be obligated to reject the gifts, but it doesn't sit right with me that you'll take them only to nag him about his lack of finances later. If you can't twist it in your head to think, "OK, he dropped money on these gifts to me, this extra food I bought makes it a wash," then stop buying him food and stop taking the gifts. Keep everything completely separate.

 

If this is his lifestyle, this is his lifestyle. Some people are relatively content living paycheck to paycheck. If you want a guy who's willing to save up some extra cash to contribute to nice getaway, then I'd look elsewhere. Passive aggressively quipping at him when he's checking for quarters certainly isn't going to be of any help.

[BecxyRex]

I'd be on your side if it weren't for the fact you know he ends up not having money after getting you gifts, so why accept them? Maybe you're not in a position to be obligated to reject the gifts, but it doesn't sit right with me that you'll take them only to nag him about his lack of finances later. If you can't twist it in your head to think, "OK, he dropped money on these gifts to me, this extra food I bought makes it a wash," then stop buying him food and stop taking the gifts. Keep everything completely separate.

 

If this is his lifestyle, this is his lifestyle. Some people are relatively content living paycheck to paycheck. If you want a guy who's willing to save up some extra cash to contribute to nice getaway, then I'd look elsewhere. Passive aggressively quipping at him when he's checking for quarters certainly isn't going to be of any help.

 

When I say gifts, he bought me a mosquito suit for $75 last month. I get bitten a lot and he thought it would be nice. That's it. I don't even ask him for anything or expect it. He still runs out.

[tattoobunnie]

When my hubby and I were first married, he couldn't pay his bills for the life of him on time, even after I prompted him to. So I pay all of our bills (period). I decide where go what, and when. And anything over $200, we have to talk about. But, we are married, so we can do this kind of thing.

 

Have part of his deposit go into a savings account automatically, and at least 5% into an IRA or retirement fund, and he will adjust to it. Have him stop cashing his checks. He needs to direct deposit, and when he needs money, go to an ATM to withdraw, and have him establish an allowance. Don't give him a dime even if he says he'll pay you back.

 

He's not generous with his money, he's foolish with it, on top of having no retirement account.

[Wiseman2]

This is the same man you moved into your place with his dog, let him drive your car because he has no licence and no car and is impotent from heavy drinking? There is a global lack of responsibility, planning etc. perhaps he spends all his money on booze?

 

Agree you can't nag/mommy him or enable him to grow up and plan for his own life. As long as he pays his fair share of expenses and so forth.

 

Yes he's do the "looking around for quarters" show so you jump in and offer him "food" (aka booze) money, just like you drive him around in your car and took him and his dog into your apt. and paid a hefty fee on your own to get the landlord to agree to that.

 

It's only getting worse because now he blames you for his lack of funds because "you forced him to save" or "he got you that trinket". All you can do is call AlAnon for advice on living with a heavy drinker and your role as an enabler.

He frequently runs out of money before he's issued a new paycheck and has to literally find quarters in the house to buy himself a snack from the vending machine. (I'll see him sniff for quarters and ask "Did you run out again? Why?") He likes to say things like "Well, had I not bought this thing for you".... or....."You forced me to save this amount of money last month, well this is what happens..."

same guy?

[j.man]

When I say gifts, he bought me a mosquito suit for $75 last month. I get bitten a lot and he thought it would be nice. That's it. I don't even ask him for anything or expect it. He still runs out.

But you accept it.

[BecxyRex]

When my hubby and I were first married, he couldn't pay his bills for the life of him on time, even after I prompted him to. So I pay all of our bills (period). I decide where go what, and when. And anything over $200, we have to talk about. But, we are married, so we can do this kind of thing.

 

Have part of his deposit go into a savings account automatically, and at least 5% into an IRA or retirement fund, and he will adjust to it. Have him stop cashing his checks. He needs to direct deposit, and when he needs money, go to an ATM to withdraw, and have him establish an allowance. Don't give him a dime even if he says he'll pay you back.

 

He's not generous with his money, he's foolish with it, on top of having no retirement account.

 

that's the thing, he doesn't even HAVE a bank account anymore... He owes the bank 700 or so, because of overdrawing. So now he has no savings account. I offered to put his savings into my savings account. Obviously it's still his money and he has free reign over it. Just a place to keep it so it's not cash laying around.

[BecxyRex]

But you accept it.

 

Well, it's bought already. I'll say something like "You shouldn't have gotten this." I

[BecxyRex]

When my hubby and I were first married, he couldn't pay his bills for the life of him on time, even after I prompted him to. So I pay all of our bills (period). I decide where go what, and when. And anything over $200, we have to talk about. But, we are married, so we can do this kind of thing.

 

Have part of his deposit go into a savings account automatically, and at least 5% into an IRA or retirement fund, and he will adjust to it. Have him stop cashing his checks. He needs to direct deposit, and when he needs money, go to an ATM to withdraw, and have him establish an allowance. Don't give him a dime even if he says he'll pay you back.

 

He's not generous with his money, he's foolish with it, on top of having no retirement account.

 

He has a 401 k plan so his retirement money is being saved by work.

[BecxyRex]

This is the same man you moved into your place with his dog, let him drive your car because he has no licence and no car and is impotent from heavy drinking? There is a global lack of responsibility, planning etc. perhaps he spends all his money on booze?

 

Agree you can't nag/mommy him or enable him to grow up and plan for his own life. As long as he pays his fair share of expenses and so forth.

 

Yes he's do the "looking around for quarters" show so you jump in and offer him "food" (aka booze) money, just like you drive him around in your car and took him and his dog into your apt. and paid a hefty fee on your own to get the landlord to agree to that.

 

It's only getting worse because now he blames you for his lack of funds because "you forced him to save" or "he got you that trinket". All you can do is call AlAnon for advice on living with a heavy drinker and your role as an enabler.same guy?

 

Thanks, I appreciate the advice. It's not as grim as you make it sound, thank god. He's overall a responsible guy. He's cut down on drinking every day and doesn't drive my car. I really don't want it to sound so awful. He's not great about planning his money...

[moodindigo91]

Thanks, I appreciate the advice. It's not as grim as you make it sound, thank god. He's overall a responsible guy. He's cut down on drinking every day and doesn't drive my car. I really don't want it to sound so awful. He's not great about planning his money...

 

Sounds like you're making excuses for him. I had a similar situation, and still do. It got to the point where I became more of a caretaker or a mother than a significant other. I got tired of it. I got tired of buying food and cooking dinner for someone, I got tired of all of my soap and shaving cream being used up by him because he couldn't/wouldn't go buy his own, I got tired of washing and folding someone else's laundry, I got tired of paying for everything, I got tired of being told we should subscribe to this or that when I knew it was going to be me doing the subscribing, I got tired of helping with homework and taking care of the dog by myself. I am 25 and childless, and prefer to keep it that way. I don't have a kid because I don't want the responsibility (selfish, I know) but I ended up with that responsibility anyway, caring for a grown a$$ man because he got out of the military, where things were handed to him and provided for him. Basically, he went from mom & dad's to the government to me.

 

If you don't want to end up being his surrogate mother, I suggest you talk to him about it and help him budget better. Instead of just providing him food or starving him out, make him sit down and see where he spends his money, etc. I tend to spend money on silly things like coffee every day, I'm budgeting myself. I use an app called Mint, and I love it. Make him download that and have him start creating goals for himself, etc (you can do this all in the app, it also shows you what you spend most of your money on, how much you bring in compared to what you spend and it sets a monthly budget for each category of spending).

[tattoobunnie]

that's the thing, he doesn't even HAVE a bank account anymore... He owes the bank 700 or so, because of overdrawing. So now he has no savings account. I offered to put his savings into my savings account. Obviously it's still his money and he has free reign over it. Just a place to keep it so it's not cash laying around.

 

Have him open up an account at another bank, and have him set up a direct deposit for his paychecks.

 

My husband didn't even know how much debt he had. In fact after I paid $10K for old student loans, 3 years later, he discovered he had an additional $5K with the state student loans. So even if he squirms when you talk about money, do it. Talk about this, you have to, or you will go insane, and then drive him insane!

 

Calmly say, we need to create a budget, can we talk about this on (Tuesday, pick a day ahead), and then use an excel sheet to go over what you both make, and your bills and expenses, and what you can save for a trip or a wedding, car, or whatever.

 

Then ask him calmly, "Are you happy with how you handle money? Do you find it an issue that you run out each time?"

 

Then add in, "I want us to build a life together, but I'm concerned about your credit health, and I think we should be open books about it." Then segment into any credit card debt, student loans, weird bills, etc.

 

And if he bails on that day, schedule for another day. And if he bails again, then just ask him, hey, I need to talk to you, and then just talk about it.

[BecxyRex]

Sounds like you're making excuses for him. I had a similar situation, and still do. It got to the point where I became more of a caretaker or a mother than a significant other. I got tired of it. I got tired of buying food and cooking dinner for someone, I got tired of all of my soap and shaving cream being used up by him because he couldn't/wouldn't go buy his own, I got tired of washing and folding someone else's laundry, I got tired of paying for everything, I got tired of being told we should subscribe to this or that when I knew it was going to be me doing the subscribing, I got tired of helping with homework and taking care of the dog by myself. I am 25 and childless, and prefer to keep it that way. I don't have a kid because I don't want the responsibility (selfish, I know) but I ended up with that responsibility anyway, caring for a grown a$$ man because he got out of the military, where things were handed to him and provided for him. Basically, he went from mom & dad's to the government to me.

 

If you don't want to end up being his surrogate mother, I suggest you talk to him about it and help him budget better. Instead of just providing him food or starving him out, make him sit down and see where he spends his money, etc. I tend to spend money on silly things like coffee every day, I'm budgeting myself. I use an app called Mint, and I love it. Make him download that and have him start creating goals for himself, etc (you can do this all in the app, it also shows you what you spend most of your money on, how much you bring in compared to what you spend and it sets a monthly budget for each category of spending).

 

I just heard about this app! Thank you I'll download that and make him try it out with me He really is not lazy by any means. He does laundry with me, washes dishes unprompted and all that. It's just that he runs out and keeps telling me he'll pay better attention. It's good to hear different stories, helps me put this into perspective. We want to sit down this weekend and write down some expenses and figure it all out. He's at least willing to do that with me. He's also prior military. I wonder if that has anything to do with it...

[Wiseman2]

He probably is a nice guy and a lot of fun, but nagging him about budgets will never work. After a nasty divorce and feeling lonely we may try to compensate and take whoever seems nice, overlooking glaring red flags in order not to be alone and to feel as if we've moved on. Then stick with these situation overcompensating and over-investing to make them a "good" decision.

He's overall a responsible guy. He's cut down on drinking every day and doesn't drive my car. He's not great about planning his money...

]

[BecxyRex]

Have him open up an account at another bank, and have him set up a direct deposit for his paychecks.

 

My husband didn't even know how much debt he had. In fact after I paid $10K for old student loans, 3 years later, he discovered he had an additional $5K with the state student loans. So even if he squirms when you talk about money, do it. Talk about this, you have to, or you will go insane, and then drive him insane!

 

Calmly say, we need to create a budget, can we talk about this on (Tuesday, pick a day ahead), and then use an excel sheet to go over what you both make, and your bills and expenses, and what you can save for a trip or a wedding, car, or whatever.

 

Then ask him calmly, "Are you happy with how you handle money? Do you find it an issue that you run out each time?"

 

Then add in, "I want us to build a life together, but I'm concerned about your credit health, and I think we should be open books about it." Then segment into any credit card debt, student loans, weird bills, etc.

 

And if he bails on that day, schedule for another day. And if he bails again, then just ask him, hey, I need to talk to you, and then just talk about it.

 

Great advice, thanks! We scheduled for this weekend.

[tattoobunnie]

He has a 401 k plan so his retirement money is being saved by work.

 

Then he will adjust fine to adding a part of his direct deposit sent into a joint savings account.

[HeartGoesOn]

It's not your job to raise him, and until he makes up his mind to grow up, it's likely your efforts will be of no avail. As an adult, he needs to make decisions on his own, face the consequences of his actions, etc, etc.

 

Not to sound negative, but this issue along with others you've previously listed, will eventually wear you down, (imo).

[ParisPaulette]

Personally, I would let him make his own mistakes and not be his bank. A firm, "Honey, you need to get your financial stuff together and we are not moving in/getting married until that happens" would be the really smart thing to do.

 

And if you let him drive your car when he has no insurance be prepared to be a part of any lawsuit or charges if he does anything illegal or gets into an accident. He's a liability to you legally and financially and if you don't want a grown child playing boyfriend while you play girlfriend, but are his mom you'll make it really clear "There is no enabling your bad habits from me. Get your ship together, because I'm not rescuing a grown man who knows better."

 

Or raise a man child, it's up to you. But they don't usually grow up, they just stay enabled unlike kids. (If you do it right)

[Ms Darcy]

Honestly, I would not date a guy like this because I would not marry a guy like this. A guy like this does not have the same sort of attitude that you do around financial responsibility and planning.

 

You are asking how to change him. You can't. He is who he is. You can do what Tattoonunnie does and just plan to manage everything.

[boltnrun]

Didn't you hesitate about letting him move in with you due to this very same issue?

 

Seems like you were correct in your misgivings, and time has proven you right.

 

Can you continue knowing this is how he is and he is highly unlikely to "change"? Particularly since he seems more interested in placing blame than in accepting responsibility?

[BecxyRex]

Didn't you hesitate about letting him move in with you due to this very same issue?

 

Seems like you were correct in your misgivings, and time has proven you right.

 

Can you continue knowing this is how he is and he is highly unlikely to "change"? Particularly since he seems more interested in placing blame than in accepting responsibility?

 

It's frustrating, but I want to try to sit him down to work out a budget. If this fails then I guess that's all I can do. Like I said, he pays his bills, but any vacation sounds impossible. I'm from a different country and he's talked about meeting my family for about a year now. Well looks like that'll never happen, because he never has the funds to travel anywhere.

[BecxyRex]

Honestly, I would not date a guy like this because I would not marry a guy like this. A guy like this does not have the same sort of attitude that you do around financial responsibility and planning.

 

You are asking how to change him. You can't. He is who he is. You can do what Tattoonunnie does and just plan to manage everything.

 

In a way I'm fine having the upper hand financially. I just would like some sort of basis to work with. I think planning a budget might help him start planning better. He's really not awful about it, just not good either.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you would prefer someone on your own level but settled for this and now want to make him into what you hoped he may be. However you accepted his moving in, living for free with his dog, almost got evicted for this then paid a hefty fee to cover him. He also doesn't have a car and wants you to let him drive your car or chauffeur him around.

 

Don't worry about his budget/savings. You are not married and it's not your concern. Your only concern should be to make sure he pays his way. You have different goals/values. He wants to live hand-to-mouth day-to-day drifting along taking hand-outs and favors where he can get them and you want someone ambitious and financially responsible to go on vacations,etc with. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

In a way I'm fine having the upper hand financially. I just would like some sort of basis to work with. I think planning a budget might help him start planning better. He's really not awful about it, just not good either.