Insecure Boyfriend and Lots of Miscommunications.

[leseine7]

I really do not know what to do, and feel like I need some unbiased advice here.

 

My boyfriend is wonderful. This has been the most affectionate, loving, committed relationship I've ever had. We were friends for over a year before starting to date this past spring. It's a healthy balance, we share a lot of the same interests but constantly challenge each other to keep growing, and so on. He has been clear since day 1 of his desire for this to be a serious and stable relationship, which was something important to me if I was going to date someone. He and I bonded over our love of kids, sports, music, and all kinds of things I know will excite us well into the future. So those are the good things, and to add to that - we both love each other and express that daily. He's generous, spiritual, deeply sensitive and kind, and I hoped for someone like this for a long time before I met him.

 

So that's the backdrop, and here's the problem: Lately, be it language barrier (he is Belgian, very fluent in English, but occasionally really hard to follow), or growing pains or what... we have been having a lot of misunderstandings.

 

This past weekend was the anniversary of my cousin's death four years ago. I won't go into this too much but to say, my cousin was a big brother to me and we spent our entire lives growing up together. He was one of my favorite people on the planet. His death happened suddenly, traumatically, and I have been to therapy for years to deal with it but I definitely have a lot of ground to cover before this feels like the norm. I'm not alone - my parents (who helped raise him) still struggle, and obviously so do my brother and sister. We generally have to really lean on each other every september 2nd to feel normal. This year was no exception, except.... I was in europe this time and far away from all of them, and it was an intensely difficult few days as a result.

 

My boyfriend knows this story and once I explained it was the anniversary he was great about getting me out of the house and keeping me distracted... but it was still a tough weekend for me and I was very quiet and very sad. He noticed, and each time, thought it had to do with him. I was surprised by how insecure he was about this, actually. He kept jumping to the worst, getting moody if I was not my normal open self, and frequently misunderstanding what I was saying to him. I guess this led to ME misunderstanding HIM more, and his moods were really throwing me off too. He seemed to absorb my negative feelings and I started thinking that maybe I needed to separate myself from him and everyone else until the weekend past so that I didn't bring him down. But whenever I mentioned maybe I should spend a day alone to clear my head, it triggered something very bad with him and he seemed to think I was saying I didn't want to be around HIM. (I can understand this response, so I really tried to clear it up and say this was my own method for handling depression and grief without upsetting relationships close to me).

 

A few times, I lost my cool and had to tell him to chill out because it felt like he was reading into everything I was saying, or just misunderstanding me fully. I felt exasperated - why can't I be clear? Why aren't we our normal selves together? What is going on??

 

Anyway we had a heart to heart on Sunday where we both agreed it was important for us to remember that bad days don't have to impact our relationship negatively and he was great, very supportive, and basically just said he wants to be sure that I'm happy with him and doesn't want to lose me. We left things at that - all was fine (I thought). But then the last two days, he seemed very cold and distant and when I pointed it out, he said he is really worried after the weekend that I am going to dump him.

 

I have NO idea why. We have had tough conversations, but I've never said I was going to break things off. I can be a little bit frank with people when I'm trying to be clear, but I don't think I've ever said or done anything to imply I'm going to 'dump him.' I've had concerns about him feeling confident with me here and there but nothing out of the norm, and I'm not in any way sure how that means anything about my commitment level to him.

 

A lot of our conversations for the last few days have involved him saying he notices that I seem less happy with him and he's scared I'm going to break it off. (Based off of the last week, tops). I keep saying I'm not, but yesterday when I was busier than normal, he also pointed out I texted him less and cited that as a reason he thinks I'm less interested.

 

I've never seen this side of him with me before, or as friends. He has been making plans with me going all the way into next March and we've been OPENLY happy and loving with each other, so it's difficult for me to feel like a few days of me not being my usual happy self could impact things this much.

 

ANYWAY. Long story short, I am very concerned and I don't know exactly how to turn his confidence back on. And in turn, it's making me doubt things. I think a lot of this is residual stuff from years before, but I feel at a loss for how to bring things back to their original place. No hurtful words or actions even took place, we both have said we want to be together and dont want to break up, so where is all of this coming from?

[SkellyWoozle]

How about you write him a letter? You can put exactly what you want in writing and, in theory, nothing can be misconstrued. There's nothing more frustrating when you're trying to get the words out (and where there's a potential language barrier), which come out wrong or in not quite the way you meant it so you have to backtrack and then the other person is either confused or takes what you said in completely the wrong way. Hope that made sense! Anyway, it's just a thought and really hope you get things sorted. Hugs X

[leseine7]

How about you write him a letter? You can put exactly what you want in writing and, in theory, nothing can be misconstrued. There's nothing more frustrating when you're trying to get the words out (and where there's a potential language barrier), which come out wrong or in not quite the way you meant it so you have to backtrack and then the other person is either confused or takes what you said in completely the wrong way. Hope that made sense! Anyway, it's just a thought and really hope you get things sorted. Hugs X

 

Thanks for this. That is a really good idea, and I am trying it now.

[SherrySher]

Is there anyway you can plan an evening or even a few days where you and he can spend a few days together and build up the closeness and intimacy? Maybe that's all you're needing.

It;s always a tough time when a situation is surrounding the loss of a loved one and it can be difficult not only for the person impacted but also for their partner, as their partner can have misunderstandings and take things personally. But neither of you are at fault.

I really do think that this is easily fixable and you just need a few days of having alone time together. It sounds as though you have something very special and work well together.

[leseine7]

Is there anyway you can plan an evening or even a few days where you and he can spend a few days together and build up the closeness and intimacy? Maybe that's all you're needing.

It;s always a tough time when a situation is surrounding the loss of a loved one and it can be difficult not only for the person impacted but also for their partner, as their partner can have misunderstandings and take things personally. But neither of you are at fault.

I really do think that this is easily fixable and you just need a few days of having alone time together. It sounds as though you have something very special and work well together.

 

Thank you - yeah, I'm going to stay with him tonight and that should help. I do think we have a really special thing - I absolutely know that we value the same thing here, so I'm mostly trying to find a way to fix what I may have overlooked (how I was acting over the weekend), in order for him to be confident with me. He's not the kind of person I expect to be insecure and he's always been very grounded, so I take it seriously that he has these concerns.

[Batya33]

I would do a lot less talking and more doing - do nice things for him, be affectionate, give, give and give some more even if you are feeling blue.

[nutbrownhare]

By all means, do as SkellyWoozle suggests, and let's hope that clears the air.

 

However, I have a bad feeling about this. You were suffering the anniversary of a particularly cruel bereavement, had made that clear - and he made your grieving all about HIM. You are right that a few days of being subdued wouldn't have knocked his confidence this badly - it's really about something else. He's clearly testing the relationship, trying tactics to see how you react (I'm not at all saying that this is part of a deliberate policy), keeping tabs on how often you text, all that...

 

Hopefully this will be a passing phase, but it could be that you're only just beginning to see the real him. The insecurity is something buried in his past, and only he can deal with it - but it seems that he's making you jump through hoops to demonstrate your feelings for him, whilst punishing you if you don't. Do not underestimate how draining this kind of relationship can be; the walking on eggshells in case you upset him, carefully monitoring your own behaviour in case something sets him off, second-guessing yourself. The language barrier I suspect is a smokescreen, as this kind of insecurity can also appear in relationships where the two people share the same first language.

 

You also need to realise that you can't change another person, or make them feel better about themselves if they have deep-seated self-esteem issues - only they can do that, and only then if they can face courageously their own issues. If this kind of behaviour continues, ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want.

 

Good luck!

[j.man]

Really, to me it sounds like it was overcomplicated. Sometimes, the more we try to explain / clarify, the worse it sounds. It's perfectly fine to keep it simple with a, "This is a huge loss for me. You've been amazing helping keep me distracted, but I'll sometimes need some quiet time to myself to help cope with it as well."

 

If he can't grasp that intuitively, it may be a bad sign for your future. Sometimes partners can be insecure and we don't even know it because the whole time they've felt in control. If this guy needs to feel like he can make you happy at any given moment in time, it will likely speak to many future troubles should you ever just need some time to yourself to deal with stress again (which, of course, you will). I'm not sure how keen I am with the idea of 'forcing' yourself to be chummy with him when things are down for you. I think it's fine to set a precedent that you're both entitled to be left to internalize on occasion.

[SherrySher]

I would exercise caution to some degree, but this is a new side to both of you, I suspect, that you are both seeing and learning to grow as a couple with.

If it became something that was an issue all the time, then yes, you have a problem. But for now, hopefully you can talk to one another about it all and come to more understandings with each other.

I always feel that in any long term relationship, as a couple you do always grow. Nothing is ever perfect and there is going to be good and bad. Obviously it depends on how bad, but most things are something you can work through. This in my mind, is what truly demonstrates your strength as a couple.

[SkellyWoozle]

Hope it works. X

[leseine7]

Thanks everyone. J.man, you kinda hit the nail on the head for me in terms of what is really bugging me. I'm not good at faking anything, and I don't get the sense that he thinks I need to always be happy in order for us to be okay. I also don't think that I'm going to have to always be happy for us to be happy together. But that is the fear I have, and why I am posting here.

 

I think Batya also put it well - actions ALWAYS do more for confusion than words. We haven't had the kind of relationship where we need to constantly tell each other how we feel, so I'm also thinking part of this is just growing pains.

 

@Nutbrownhare, I definitely can understand your concerns. I don't think he's testing things, honestly. It's difficult to sum up his personality in forum posts, but he really is not that kind of guy. It feels more to me like certain past insecurities are just catching up with him and he's trying to address them, and not used to having to be that vulnerable here.

 

I DO think it's a situation where we are both seeing a different side of each other. I'm used to him being confident and happy about us and not having any concerns really. He's used to me being happy most of the time - and I wasn't myself this weekend in general. I think he also realised he couldn't fix it, and I don't think that is a control thing so much as a feeling of helplessness. I didn't help matters by being very impatient with him as well. So it was a first experience of us really not getting each other and it shook us both.

 

I'm concerned about the text monitoring, but I've also been there, honestly. I've of course had days where I've noticed if he was less talkative with me and wondered. But this only came up from him i think because it was after the few days of me also being different. Still, I'll keep an eye on that and hoping it doesn't lead to more insecurity/ codependency stuff.

[nutbrownhare]

I DO think it's a situation where we are both seeing a different side of each other. I'm used to him being confident and happy about us and not having any concerns really. He's used to me being happy most of the time - and I wasn't myself this weekend in general. I think he also realised he couldn't fix it, and I don't think that is a control thing so much as a feeling of helplessness. I didn't help matters by being very impatient with him as well. So it was a first experience of us really not getting each other and it shook us both.

 

If you're both prepared to take responsibility for your own actions and your own feelings, you will end up feeling closer as a result of this. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship - it's how you handle it which makes the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one. It's important not to hold other people responsible for your own actions, e.g. him being distant and then blaming it on you - i.e. making you responsible for his actions. Hopefully this will all blow over!

[ControlDenied]

Look, he took your grieving into his own hands, that intuitively sounds like a good partner, but deep down your grieving is yours and only you can live through it. He tried to be a good man and it backfired... He needs to understand to let you be an adult... That way you both have an adult relationship. You both sound like a great couple and you both should have a sit down, mature, and compassionate conversation and grow from it.

Your ability to deal with this as a couple can speak volumes of your success as a long term couple. Treat him like a queen treats his king after a lost battle.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you asked for space and he tried to give you that. Pushing people away for whatever reason can make them upset. It may be time to stop over-talking and over-fixing and just get back to normal in terms of affection, activities conversation, etc.

 

That longer you make it "a problem" the longer it will be one. There is a term in German "verschlimmbesserung" which means a supposed improvement that makes things worse. Sometimes it's a cultural, not language barrier.

whenever I mentioned maybe I should spend a day alone to clear my head, it triggered something very bad with him and he seemed to think I was saying I didn't want to be around HIM. then the last two days, he seemed very cold and distant and when I pointed it out, he said he is really worried after the weekend that I am going to dump him.

[itsallgrand]

It sounds to me like your way of handling grief triggered a personal issue of his. Perhaps once this subsides, he will be willing to share with you where this is coming from for him.

That way, you can come up with a solution for the future so you both can get what you need.

 

I relate to your method of coping with grief and strong emotion. My bf and I had to work through a way for me to get the space I need and for him to feel as connected and secure when I am grappling my own emotions. It's both sides working - him to reassure himself it's not rejection or being locked out during those times, and me working to show continued affection and emotion to him during those times.

 

It brought us even closer. But I do agree both have to be willing to take responsibility for their own feelings and coping behaviours- and willing to make some adjustments to meet the other persons needs as well as your own.

 

Right now, he's not using the words to say it, but I do think Batya is right - he needs to see you show him you still love him and are not shutting down on him.

 

Best of luck. Can't wait for the update

[leseine7]

Wow, thanks to all of you for such wise and insightful responses. This is a new experience for me in many ways. I've posted to ENA, most of the time, in the past when I knew the situation was pretty dead (clearly in need of a break up or something similarly strong), but just needed to hear others echo that back to me. In this case, it's a totally new scenario in that I know he's fully committed to us working out any issues coming along, and so am I, and that actually ups the stakes in some ways (not to sound stupid dramatic about it) because it shows me more of MY unfavorable reactions in life. That's something I think is probably bugging me most about the situation - I see how I probably did give him reason to feel insecure (I did, as Wiseman said, say a couple of times that I might not be good company and maybe I needed to go do my own thing.)

 

I'm not used to being with someone who would actually rather go through all of it with me, and I agree it probably evoked a previous insecurity in him.

 

He is a very good partner, and an extremely generous friend to everyone too. If someone's hurting he wants to fix it and isn't satisfied when he can't. I can obviously forgive that about him.

 

He actually messaged me as I was reading these responses and told me that he believes we will keep learning about each other and figure out ways of balancing it out, and he knew his responses came from something outside of the relationship - that he's sure of me, happy with me, and not having doubts. It doesn't help we both have been very busy these last two days.

 

Tonight will be good for us both and I feel a lot better.

[itsallgrand]

That's great! Enjoy your evening together!

[CalamityJane]

I really do not know what to do, and feel like I need some unbiased advice here.

 

My boyfriend is wonderful. This has been the most affectionate, loving, committed relationship I've ever had. We were friends for over a year before starting to date this past spring. It's a healthy balance, we share a lot of the same interests but constantly challenge each other to keep growing, and so on. He has been clear since day 1 of his desire for this to be a serious and stable relationship, which was something important to me if I was going to date someone. He and I bonded over our love of kids, sports, music, and all kinds of things I know will excite us well into the future. So those are the good things, and to add to that - we both love each other and express that daily. He's generous, spiritual, deeply sensitive and kind, and I hoped for someone like this for a long time before I met him.

 

So that's the backdrop, and here's the problem: Lately, be it language barrier (he is Belgian, very fluent in English, but occasionally really hard to follow), or growing pains or what... we have been having a lot of misunderstandings.

 

This past weekend was the anniversary of my cousin's death four years ago. I won't go into this too much but to say, my cousin was a big brother to me and we spent our entire lives growing up together. He was one of my favorite people on the planet. His death happened suddenly, traumatically, and I have been to therapy for years to deal with it but I definitely have a lot of ground to cover before this feels like the norm. I'm not alone - my parents (who helped raise him) still struggle, and obviously so do my brother and sister. We generally have to really lean on each other every september 2nd to feel normal. This year was no exception, except.... I was in europe this time and far away from all of them, and it was an intensely difficult few days as a result.

 

My boyfriend knows this story and once I explained it was the anniversary he was great about getting me out of the house and keeping me distracted... but it was still a tough weekend for me and I was very quiet and very sad. He noticed, and each time, thought it had to do with him. I was surprised by how insecure he was about this, actually. He kept jumping to the worst, getting moody if I was not my normal open self, and frequently misunderstanding what I was saying to him. I guess this led to ME misunderstanding HIM more, and his moods were really throwing me off too. He seemed to absorb my negative feelings and I started thinking that maybe I needed to separate myself from him and everyone else until the weekend past so that I didn't bring him down. But whenever I mentioned maybe I should spend a day alone to clear my head, it triggered something very bad with him and he seemed to think I was saying I didn't want to be around HIM. (I can understand this response, so I really tried to clear it up and say this was my own method for handling depression and grief without upsetting relationships close to me).

 

A few times, I lost my cool and had to tell him to chill out because it felt like he was reading into everything I was saying, or just misunderstanding me fully. I felt exasperated - why can't I be clear? Why aren't we our normal selves together? What is going on??

 

Anyway we had a heart to heart on Sunday where we both agreed it was important for us to remember that bad days don't have to impact our relationship negatively and he was great, very supportive, and basically just said he wants to be sure that I'm happy with him and doesn't want to lose me. We left things at that - all was fine (I thought). But then the last two days, he seemed very cold and distant and when I pointed it out, he said he is really worried after the weekend that I am going to dump him.

 

I have NO idea why. We have had tough conversations, but I've never said I was going to break things off. I can be a little bit frank with people when I'm trying to be clear, but I don't think I've ever said or done anything to imply I'm going to 'dump him.' I've had concerns about him feeling confident with me here and there but nothing out of the norm, and I'm not in any way sure how that means anything about my commitment level to him.

 

A lot of our conversations for the last few days have involved him saying he notices that I seem less happy with him and he's scared I'm going to break it off. (Based off of the last week, tops). I keep saying I'm not, but yesterday when I was busier than normal, he also pointed out I texted him less and cited that as a reason he thinks I'm less interested.

 

I've never seen this side of him with me before, or as friends. He has been making plans with me going all the way into next March and we've been OPENLY happy and loving with each other, so it's difficult for me to feel like a few days of me not being my usual happy self could impact things this much.

 

ANYWAY. Long story short, I am very concerned and I don't know exactly how to turn his confidence back on. And in turn, it's making me doubt things. I think a lot of this is residual stuff from years before, but I feel at a loss for how to bring things back to their original place. No hurtful words or actions even took place, we both have said we want to be together and dont want to break up, so where is all of this coming from?

 

Hi,

I only can talk to you about my own experience. I am French and living in the uk for a few years now so I have had a few relationships with brits.

 

Obviously, although I can speak English fluently, always there is a barrier because it's not just you can speak the language but Also you need to understand the right use of words, idioms, metaphors and even inflexion in the voice to say something, and the subtle difference between words used in different context. All of that takes lot of time and effort.

 

I have had lots of misunderstanding caused because that but more than that, it's important the cultural background and how the same circumstances are considered and taken regarding where you do come from and what's the costume in your country.

 

Relationships between people from different countries need more communication to make clear the other one is understanding what you're trying to express.

 

I had arguments where usually I didn't understand the reason because we argued it why he seemed so upset because something to me was non important or vice versa.

 

Write what you want to tell is a good way. What I usually do is write what I wish to express, let him read it and then talk about it because even if it's good to write, the face to face conversation also helps because gestures are quite important.

 

I hope my opinion is uselful to you.

Regards.

[Ms Darcy]

I would do a lot less talking and more doing - do nice things for him, be affectionate, give, give and give some more even if you are feeling blue.

 

I agree with this.

 

Generally, I think heart to heart talks are great. They are most effective when the follow-up is more action oriented. So I think what Batya has suggested is good. It helps you both get back on track with positive feelings.

[leseine7]

Hi,

I only can talk to you about my own experience. I am French and living in the uk for a few years now so I have had a few relationships with brits.

 

Obviously, although I can speak English fluently, always there is a barrier because it's not just you can speak the language but Also you need to understand the right use of words, idioms, metaphors and even inflexion in the voice to say something, and the subtle difference between words used in different context. All of that takes lot of time and effort.

 

I have had lots of misunderstanding caused because that but more than that, it's important the cultural background and how the same circumstances are considered and taken regarding where you do come from and what's the costume in your country.

 

Relationships between people from different countries need more communication to make clear the other one is understanding what you're trying to express.

 

I had arguments where usually I didn't understand the reason because we argued it why he seemed so upset because something to me was non important or vice versa.

 

Write what you want to tell is a good way. What I usually do is write what I wish to express, let him read it and then talk about it because even if it's good to write, the face to face conversation also helps because gestures are quite important.

 

I hope my opinion is uselful to you.

Regards.

 

INSANELY Useful and I cannot thank you enough for this perspective!

 

This is exactly what we wound up talking about last night. You are 100% right - you could have taken the words right out of his mouth in fact. Last night he explained this clearly to me (I think we both thought things out a lot yesterday). I actually speak French with him, (he is Flemish so Dutch is his native and French is second -most fluent, and then he learned English at about 13 years old) --- but my French is not quite as strong as his English is, if that makes sense. So we default to French a lot of the time and it's exactly as you said, he uses phrases/ terms that throw me off and then I realise he is using a phrase he's heard without realising that the context behind it is not quite what he meant.

 

For instance, he once told me he hoped I would "begin taking him for granted and really trust him." What he meant at the time was he hoped I would get comfortable with him soon, lol. He did not know 'take for granted" is actually a BAD thing.

 

He also told me a few times in the last few weeks when I was trying to get some Visa stuff figured out that I "should not worry, everything will fall into pieces." (he meant "place". It was cute). So yeah, this of course happens a lot, and I have to be patient and really listen to him when he talks to me sometimes. But in the end it's usually a relief.

 

I am starting Dutch classes in two weeks here, and I really look forward to that for a lot of reasons - especially being able to communicate with him in more ways.

 

We had a really great night and I think this is just a unique growing pain.

[Batya33]

Just wanted to add -I might get this wrong so forgive me. My friend and his now wife are from different cultures. When they were dating he explained to me that in her culture, you're actually supposed to take your loved one for granted in this way - you don't have to be as polite with your loved one as you would be with a stranger because the loved one should "get" that you don't need to be so "polite". In his culture it was the opposite -you're supposed to treat your loved one as politely as a stranger. You can imagine the conflicts.....

[CalamityJane]

INSANELY Useful and I cannot thank you enough for this perspective!

 

This is exactly what we wound up talking about last night. You are 100% right - you could have taken the words right out of his mouth in fact. Last night he explained this clearly to me (I think we both thought things out a lot yesterday). I actually speak French with him, (he is Flemish so Dutch is his native and French is second -most fluent, and then he learned English at about 13 years old) --- but my French is not quite as strong as his English is, if that makes sense. So we default to French a lot of the time and it's exactly as you said, he uses phrases/ terms that throw me off and then I realise he is using a phrase he's heard without realising that the context behind it is not quite what he meant.

 

For instance, he once told me he hoped I would "begin taking him for granted and really trust him." What he meant at the time was he hoped I would get comfortable with him soon, lol. He did not know 'take for granted" is actually a BAD thing.

 

He also told me a few times in the last few weeks when I was trying to get some Visa stuff figured out that I "should not worry, everything will fall into pieces." (he meant "place". It was cute). So yeah, this of course happens a lot, and I have to be patient and really listen to him when he talks to me sometimes. But in the end it's usually a relief.

 

I am starting Dutch classes in two weeks here, and I really look forward to that for a lot of reasons - especially being able to communicate with him in more ways.

 

We had a really great night and I think this is just a unique growing pain.

 

Oh that's really good to hear. I'm really glad for you.

I'm having a laugh now thinking of all my messing with words. At the beginning I used to wrong awesome and awkward and sometimesnwhen something was really nice I use to say on it's awkward with a big smile which was a big weird lol.

 

It's funny because for longer I thought "be granted' was positive to say lol.

 

It's really good and admirable that you're trying to learn his own language to open new doors of comitigation, not everybody does that so you're a really intelligent person.