No contact question.

[Samhanes]

I called my wife today around noon. We are in our 6th day of no contact. I did it because I got a call from an auto body shop that our car had just been brought in. I freaked out. I was so worried she had been hurt because they said I was the contact info. I didn't realize they were going of insurance records. My mind went right to emergency contact. I phoned her and got voicemail. As I was about to leave a message she texted "at a lunch thing-is it urgent?" I was just glad she texted me immediately. I calmed down and someone her that I got a call from the shop. She texted that she was sorry and not to worry. That she was waiting to get more information before telling me. I responded with I was glad she was okay and I understand. I didn't get all emotional or anything even though my heart was still racing from the scare. She texted later that she hit a deer last Sunday. I was relieved. She texted a third time saying she wouldn't know anymore about the car until tomorrow. That she knew we were not talking to each other right now but if I had questions i could ask and she would keep me filled in. Honestly...as soon as I knew she was all right I wanted no more contact but I remained calm. I said "I know we're not talking right now but this is an extraordinary circumstance. If you need help let me know". She responds "thank you" I tried to keep it as distant as I could but she's still my wife and I want to be compassionate. I feel I responded appropriately but it bugs me that I called her. I guess I really had no choice. I hope she understands that. I know she's going to contact me tomorrow about the car and it kind of bugs me. I'm glad she's okay but it's her car now. My family friend Who is a retired marriage counselor read the texts and laughed when he got to the part where she responded a third time and said I won't know today and I know we are not talking right now. I asked why he laughed he said she's trying to prolong the conversation. I hope that means I didn't screw up by calling her. It may be an obvious answer but I haven't seen many things clear recently.

[chitown9]

I think that everything that you did and said to her was appropriate to the information that you had. I would not read anything into the entire transaction by you or your wife. chi

[SherrySher]

I also think that you responded appropriately and that there was no harm done. I think you are over analysing and over worrying when it's not needed about this situation.

Whether in no contact or deciding to go separate ways, you both are still human beings and can be decent to one another, it doesn't have to mean anything.

[nutbrownhare]

You'd have to be an extremely callous, unfeeling brute not to be concerned about her having heard that news. No harm done. Move on...

[SkellyWoozle]

You're human, and she's your wife. Why wouldn't you call her? As NBH said, you'd have to be pretty mean to not call her, despite the NC situation. I am no longer with my ex (14 years) but he's the father of my children and I still care about him. Don't fret about it - you did the right thing which shows you're a good person who still loves and cares for his wife. Take care X

[Samhanes]

I do overthink things. Thank you for your responses. I realized I was trying to use nc like a formula. I understand it's an individual situation thing.

[Samhanes]

I have to contact her on a legal matter with the VA. Do I wait since it's not until the 27th or do I just get it over with now? I am afraid all this contact might be too much and make her feel I'm being needy and bring up bad feelings. Or am I thinking too much and this is different than bringing emotional things up? I wanted this nc time to be a healing time for both of us. She offered to help a couple days ago after we started nc. She saw the letter when she was over to see the dogs and I was out. I suppose it's better to get this over with now in the first week of nc, correct?

[nutbrownhare]

I have to contact her on a legal matter with the VA. Do I wait since it's not until the 27th or do I just get it over with now? I am afraid all this contact might be too much and make her feel I'm being needy and bring up bad feelings. Or am I thinking too much and this is different than bringing emotional things up? I wanted this nc time to be a healing time for both of us. She offered to help a couple days ago after we started nc. She saw the letter when she was over to see the dogs and I was out. I suppose it's better to get this over with now in the first week of nc, correct?

 

There's no right or wrong way to deal with this; what would you be most comfortable with?

[gypsybird87]

I have to contact her on a legal matter with the VA. Do I wait since it's not until the 27th or do I just get it over with now? I am afraid all this contact might be too much and make her feel I'm being needy and bring up bad feelings. Or am I thinking too much and this is different than bringing emotional things up? I wanted this nc time to be a healing time for both of us. She offered to help a couple days ago after we started nc. She saw the letter when she was over to see the dogs and I was out. I suppose it's better to get this over with now in the first week of nc, correct?

 

When she contacts you today with the update about the car, you can respond to that and then add, "Oh by the way... blah blah blah the VA" (whatever you need to tell her). That way it's not a new conversation or an additional breaking of your NC, which you seem to really need right now. Hang in there. You'll get through this.

[Samhanes]

I had already sent it because she offered a couple days ago. I hope I didn't screw up. I stayed distant but friendly. She said she could do that for me and asked when I needed it. I told her to leave it here next time she visited the dogs. I really hope this doesn't look like me breaking nc. Is it safe to say that no contact is more about us emotionally healing and keeping it professional is okay?

[Samhanes]

You are right. I screwed up. I should have waited.

[gypsybird87]

No contact is about creating a safe space and some distance so that you can heal. It should lessen stress. IMO, if you are a married couple who has professional or household things to address, and not doing so is *increasing* stress, then I personally think you are correct to contact her. This is also the case when people have kids etc. Sometimes total NC isn't possible. The important thing is that when you contact her, you keep it completely business-like and about the issue at hand (the car, the VA stuff, whatever). No talk about the relationship, you miss each other, etc. That's when you will get yourself into trouble and end up hurting worse than you already do. It sounds like you are doing a good job of this, so give yourself a pat on the back and stop worrying so much. You didn't "screw up" the NC. You contacted her to deal with a valid issue. If she views that as you breaking NC, that's her problem. Besides, you said she offered.

[Samhanes]

Okay...I'm being ridiculous aren't I. This was a legal matter that she had already brought up in the past few days. I'm not emailing for attention or to bother her. I believe we have taken care of most loose ends financially and legally this last week. I am going to assume that regardless of the contact it is still good that emotions were not brought into it. In all of our past interactions in person or text after the breakup I have been super supportive of her (even before the bu to be honest) always saying how proud I am of her and how beautiful she is. Since the NC started I haven't written her anything like that and kept it very professional but friendly. I hope she understands. It kills me everytime I have to get an email from her or email her.

[Samhanes]

Thank you gypsybird87. I really needed that right now.