Severe difference in sex drive between long-term partners, but with a twist...

[55isthennew35]

Here’s the situation. I am 55 and I’ve been married for over 25 years. We’ve both been monogamous the entire time. I believe my wife is a great partner and I have a lot of respect for her. We have two kids, in their early twenties. Our relationship is strong (other than intimacy) and I enjoy being married to her.

 

For the first 7 years of marriage, we had a great sex life – we were a great match for each other in that regard. But after the birth of our second child, my wife had an operation to correct vaginal prolapse. The surgeon botched the surgery and, long story short, she has nerve damage. She is actually on disability and is on some pretty serious medications (Including heavy doses of anti-seizure medication for nerve pain, as well as occasional morphine and methadone for when pain flairs up). As a result of all this, she can no longer achieve orgasm. She had no trouble with this prior to the surgery. The condition is permanent and will never change. This situation happened nearly 20 years ago and we’ve been coping ever since.

 

Although my wife has tried to accommodate me over the years to satisfy me physically, it’s become very lame and artificial. It’s almost as if she just wants to “check the box” to feel she has done her “marital obligation” to keep me satisfied physically. There is no “romance” around sex anymore.

 

The other morning, she told me she is pretty much “asexual” – she gets nothing out of sex at all and is only doing it for me. We’ve had many heated discussions over the years about this. Since she cannot achieve orgasm, I’ve substituted long backrubs so that she gets some pleasure when we are intimate. This was suggested by a counselor we both saw many years ago. But the intimacy – the “fun” surrounding the actual sex itself, is gone.

 

I’ve tried everything – romantic trips, sex toys, sexy clothes, X-rated movies, special lubricants, etc. She now no longer even tries to make an effort. She will not partake of any of these things. We have sex about every two weeks, but although I am physically relieved, I feel like I am unsatisfied. She says she is “broken” due to what the surgeon did to her, there is nothing she can do about it, and I must get used to it.

 

I feel too young for my sex life to be pretty much over! But now that I am getting older, I fear I may never experience the joy of mutual pleasure again. My eyes are tearing up as I write this. It’s starting to affect my self-worth. I now wonder if I could even satisfy a woman sexually, and often fantasize what it would be like to be with a woman who is normal sexually.

 

I’ve not considered an affair, and quite frankly, wouldn’t even know how to go about approaching someone. If I did, and my wife found it, it would likely be the end of our marriage. I don’t want that to happen, but I feel I can’t live with this situation either.

 

How can I go on with this situation? I don’t know what to do. I can’t blame my wife for her feeling this way, but I am struggling to live with it. We’ve had counseling in the past, but my wife no longer wants to even try to improve the situation.

[gebaird]

I can relate to this on a lot of levels, and I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm in a sexually frustrating marriage as well, and my wife is limited by a medical condition related to her heart (so it's more of an activity-limiting/need for sleep kind of thing). She also has extremely low libido, and sex is a chore for her. We used to both enjoy it, now I don't even enjoy it anymore. It's only been this way for about 6 months, but there's no end in sight and I can see myself ending up in the same place you are. The problem is that I love her and she's wonderful in every other way. We've been married for 20 years and I really appreciate the relationship we've cultivated. We have three kids together and I don't want to just walk away from that. But I can't help feeling unloved, unsatisfied, unfulfilled. I mean, intellectually I know she loves me. I just can't feel it when intimacy between us is so broken.

 

I wish I had answers for you. I don't, but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

[reinventmyself]

I am so sorry for you and your wife. I understand your frustration as well as hers and the loss she has suffered.

All I can think of is marriage is a commitment. For better, for worse and in the scheme of things this could be considered minor when you consider the inevitable health issues a married couple faces as they age.

 

Let me ask you. . how would you feel if one of you were in an accident and impaired in a more serious way or were suffering a terminal illness?

I think this what you sign up for when you agree to go the long haul. Life is challenging and you take on a partner to help you handle the rough times.

 

I guess you get to make this difficult decision. I don't envy your situation.

 

Have you shared with your wife what you are considering. .either an affair or being unable to continue? Does she know it's come to this?

[55isthennew35]

gebaird, many thanks for your response.

 

You certainly sound like you are in a very similar situation. The weird thing is - although my wife (and yours) clearly have very valid reasons for no/low sex drive, in my situation, I feel like there should be at least *some* passion, but there is none. It's gone. And not for just the past few months, but for several years now. Maybe I've waited too long to try to get help with this, but I just do not have any friends I can go to to talk about this. But it certainly helps to know I am not alone.

 

I know I am not the easiest person to be around. Perhaps maybe I have just worn her out mentally over the years. That's the only thing I can think of. I might try to find a counselor that I can attend by myself. I often hear in these types of threads the intimacy problems start outside the bedroom. I suppose I could improve my attitude around her by trying to be more supportive. But I can no longer bring this topic up with her directly, because she is *so* frustrated she won't even listen to me on this topic anymore.

[55isthennew35]

reinventmyself - I've often fantasized about having an affair, but being monogamous for so long, I wouldn't even know how to approach someone for this type of relationship. I've never even had the opportunity to pursue an affair. My wife has told me she would divorce me if I ever strayed.

 

Quite frankly, I am afraid to tell her I feel this way. I think it would make her feel helpless as she feels there is nothing she can do about the situation - and she won't even try anything new - it's just the same routine, over and over sexually. I certainly don't expect sex to ever be the same given her condition, but I still feel it could be more romantic, more playful, or something. But when I bring this up she just gets upset all over again.

[reinventmyself]

reinventmyself - I've often fantasized about having an affair, but being monogamous for so long, I wouldn't even know how to approach someone for this type of relationship. I've never even had the opportunity to pursue an affair. My wife has told me she would divorce me if I ever strayed.

 

Quite frankly, I am afraid to tell her I feel this way. I think it would make her feel helpless as she feels there is nothing she can do about the situation - and she won't even try anything new - it's just the same routine, over and over sexually. I certainly don't expect sex to ever be the same given her condition, but I still feel it could be more romantic, more playful, or something. But when I bring this up she just gets upset all over again.

 

I am split 55/45 and for the sake of being a woman, on your wife's team. Having said that sex isn't all about the big "O".

It's about intimate connection between two people, emotional and physical. It's about reaffirming the love you two have for each other and reinforcing that bond.

 

So if she isn't interested I might take a risk and say it as much to do the state or your relationship as it has to do with her limitation.

 

You touched on some other possible issues and I know when my marriage was falling apart, one of the first things affected was our sex life. It's known as a barometer that measures the health of the relationship. Granted, you have some special circumstances but I remember giving up when I felt the my ex h just didn't get it.

 

Geeesh. . marriage is challenging. I don't mean to project my own experience here but my gutt tells me there is something more going on here.

 

You say you are afraid to say anything because you don't want to rock the boat? Well the boat's rockin' and you two aren't addressing it.

[55isthennew35]

reinventmyself - you mentioned your sex life was one of the first things affected when your marriage was falling apart - that it's a "barometer". When your sex life began declining, did you already think your marriage was in trouble? Were the two of you fighting constantly, or having other problems?

 

I guess what I am trying to say is I feel torn...I agree with what you have said (that sex life is a barometer), but I feel we have a pretty strong marriage overall, and unless my wife is not being open with me, I think she would say the same thing. That's not to say we can't improve on our relationship, but I really don't think our marriage is in trouble. I'm not putting this very eloquently...and perhaps I am not articulating this very well. In your case, did you already know there were other problems in the marriage when your sex life declined?

 

It's not because I don't want to "rock the boat" in bringing this up with her - we've generally always hit our marital challenges head on. It's that she feels powerless to fix the situation and I don't want to get her upset for nothing unless it could lead to addressing the problem in some way.

[ThatwasThen]

I have two suggestions:

 

1) You talk to your wife about opening up your relationship so that you can get your groove on with a real goer. Or:

2) You both go to a psycho-sexual counsellor that will help you both to get your grooves back as a team.

 

I will say that for a woman that has no libido, who can no longer have an orgasm, you're doing alright by her by getting it every two weeks. I think you are not satisfied because you know you can't please her. The sex therapist would hopefully be able to help you with that mind frame. (if in fact that is the case) He/she will also work with the two of you in getting back the romantic intimacy that you explain seems to be missing.

 

I think if I was as unfortunate to have happen to me what happened to your wife, I would first sue the doctor responsible and then I'd not have to worry about what the therapy was going to cost us.

[Wiseman2]

Agree with much of what you mention including things happening outside the bedroom. Also romance/affection is not just about vaginal penetration. Unfortunately there are a few things going on. The restructuring surgery is only one of them.

 

The main problem now is the "morphine and methadone for when pain flairs up". These are serious central nervous system depressants which will at the very least, kill any libido or drive whatsoever. Anticonvulsants she is on do not blunt that or create generalized apathy.

 

Sadly it is not uncommon to start with one problem (such as the surgery) that segues into another (chronic pain) that then segues into another (narcotic dependence). There are many other treatment modalities available such as psychologists, physical therapy, massage, meditation, yoga etc. as adjuncts to chronic pain treatment even in her situation.

 

Then there is the connection between you two which I read you diligently tried to correct with attempting to bring the romance back. Agree that even hinting about affairs fantasies etc is the worst option.

 

Please keep in mind there are women who faced far worse with breast or gyn or other cancers, radiation, chemo, etc and do regain their libidos and continue feeling love and affection for their husbands, so the surgery alone does not explain all this. There are tip top healthy women who are cold as ice too.

 

Unfortunately this situation is quite complex because there are so many factors involved from serious narcotic dependency to depression to chronic pain.

I think it would make her feel helpless as she feels there is nothing she can do about the situation - and she won't even try anything new - it's just the same routine, over and over sexually. I certainly don't expect sex to ever be the same given her condition, but I still feel it could be more romantic, more playful, or something. But when I bring this up she just gets upset all over again.

[55isthennew35]

I have two suggestions:

 

...

I think if I was as unfortunate to have happen to me what happened to your wife, I would first sue the doctor responsible and then I'd not have to worry about what the therapy was going to cost us.

 

Well, we did sue the doctor. We won. The jury awarded us one of the largest amounts in the history of the mid-atlantic states. The case was appealed and went to the state supreme court, and the verdict was overturned. There was much more drama that I am leaving out for brevity, but we could write a book about it. After the verdict was overturned, we sued again, and settled out of court.

 

This all was settled about 15 years ago, and was a *VERY SERIOUS* stressor on our marriage, but we got through it.

[reinventmyself]

reinventmyself - you mentioned your sex life was one of the first things affected when your marriage was falling apart - that it's a "barometer". When your sex life began declining, did you already think your marriage was in trouble? Were the two of you fighting constantly, or having other problems?.

 

It was a slow, subtle come undone where one thing didn't proceed another. It starts as discontent with fits and spurts of good times and backslides from there.

 

I will tell you one thing I do know for sure. We did not address things `because we didn't want to rock the boat'

I quoted our marriage counselor who said the boat was `already rocking!"

 

It was years of unresolved issues that we didn't talk about that became an insurmountable wall between us.

If I was your wife I would want to know you were feeling the way you do even if it's the most difficult conversation we've ever had.

 

If you are wishing you had the guts to have an affair or wondering if this is worth saving and in turn talking to us about it on a message board, then yes, I'd want to know that it has come to this.

[greta96]

If you're hoping anyone here will say "ok go have an affair", it won't happen. Having an affair will make you just as much of a jerk as it would make someone who has sex regularly at home, cheating is cheating and it's a horrible thing to do. You don't get a free pass only because you are sexually repressed.

I'm not sure what exactly do you expect your wife to do, I suppose you have never experienced real painful sex, or you would be more understanding. And really, at 55 you are more than old enough to understand that life deals us humans our very own hands, some people luck out, most don't. Nothing out there is ever perfect, so you have to do the best with what you have. Your wife didn't ask for this to happen to her (and let's not forget, her body got ruined giving birth to your kids!), and trust me when I say that her pain and frustration are much, much stronger than yours. Do you even realize how inadequate she must be feeling, knowing she can no longer have the intimacy she once had with you? She may not be showing it, but trust me on this, it's taking a toll on her with every day that goes by. And on top of that, she needs to handle pain that nobody should have to live with! And here you are, complaining that you are too young to no longer have passionate sex!

 

Contrary to what you may think, I do understand you are in a tough position, especially if you've always been a sexual person this couldn't have been all that easy for you. But what are the alternatives? 1. be an a$$hat and have an affair (and risk losing your wife, cozy life, love of your children and everybody's respect), or 2. get a divorce, and then you'll all free to eff as many women as you want. IF you find takers, that is.

Or, you accept and make peace with the idea that what you have is precious enough to make up for the lack of sex, and that in the grand scheme of things, sex means less than people make it out to mean. You're not a spring chicken for heaven's sake! Appreciate what you have, and be thankful that the shoe is not on the other foot. Treat your wife the same way you would have liked to be treated by her, had you become impotent 20 years ago.

[Matt3939]

I know sex changes thru a relationship. I also know it changes in people. I definitely don't feel like I did when I was 25. But everything is still going to speak, if I could only find a woman. I would think this is common more with men not being able to perform. There has to drs to deal with this.good luck

[sadgirl679]

Horny pills maybe?

[55isthennew35]

All,

 

Thank you all so much for the insightful replies - you all have made me think - especially reinventmyself and greta96. I spent some time talking with my wife last night, and we had a few very sweet moments. The past 20 years, after her injury in surgery have been challenging to say the least. Sometimes I let it get to me and forget how lucky I do have it. I take the things that are good in our relationship for granted.

 

I'm not saying the problem is fixed, because it's not, but I think the reality is that I need to change, not my wife. greta96 - The funny thing is, I think part of me wanted you to say exactly what you did to make me come to my senses. It wasn't pleasant but it was very true and I needed to hear it.

 

I am going to try to talk about this with my wife. I think my focus needs to be on trying to be more supportive and helpful around the house and try to spend more time re-bonding with her. I think that may help to make our intimacy more intense, even if the sex itself is not.

 

As I think of more things to say, I will update this thread - but thank you all for the support.