Experiences of a rebound?

[Steph2602]

I'd really like some views / experiences of rebound relationships. Whether you've been a rebound, had a rebound, or seen your ex with a rebound.

 

I'm the latter. At least I think (hope) I am. Less than three weeks after splitting up with me I got wind my that my ex (we'd been together five years and only recently bought a house) was seeing someone new. I asked him if he'd moved on and he replied 'I wouldn't say I've moved on but I'm trying to.' I got upset, made all the mistakes you shouldn't and we had a huge row. He threatened to block me but didn't. The next day him and the girl were tagged on Facebook on a date and I went total NC. That was two weeks ago, and two weeks later (5 weeks post break up) they're Facebook official. He swore nothing happened while we were together and she wasn't a factor in our break up, and mutual friends have told me the same. I'm not sure I believe she wasn't a factor.

 

Anyway, since then they've been all over social media. Matching profile pics and tagging themselves in dates left right and centre. It's like they've been together years and it's quite out of character for my ex, he's usually quite private. She is also the opposite of the type of girl he usually goes for.

 

I feel like she must be a rebound but it's killing me, and what if she's not? Could he really move on that quick? Why does he seem so 'proud' of her on social media?

 

I know none of you can answer this question so basically I'm looking for support in numbers, do any of you have any stories of your ex with a potential rebound and what happened? Have you ever been a rebound and what were the tell tale signs? Would ove to hear some experiences.

 

I'm not even sure i want him back now, I feel so pathetic for loving someone who could so openly flaunt another girl.

[JonnyD79]

You could say that all relationships are rebounds.

[Steph2602]

You could say that all relationships are rebounds.

 

I guess so, but some more than others. I was really looking for support/shared experience to help me get through this difficult period though.

[Wiseman2]

Try not to torture yourself by keeping tabs on him or contacting him. He's not coming back, whether she's a rebound or not. Don't worry about them, worry about your own healing/moving on. Go no contact and block him to retain your dignity/self esteem, rather than chasing someone who's broken up with you.

 

What were the reasons for the breakup? Do you still live in the same house together?

I asked him if he'd moved on and he replied 'I wouldn't say I've moved on but I'm trying to.' I got upset, made all the mistakes you shouldn't and we had a huge row. He threatened to block me but didn't. I'm not even sure i want him back now

[j.man]

The term "rebound" most often applies to the dumpee when they get romantically involved fresh out of the relationship rather than the dumper. I'd say the vast majority of the time, the dumper has checked out of the relationship well before they actually pull the trigger.

 

While I personally love my single-time, playing the field a bit and having fun between relationships, I don't think it's a rule that everyone should avoid dating for x amount of time afterward.

[Steph2602]

Try not to torture yourself by keeping tabs on him or contacting him. He's not coming back, whether she's a rebound or not. Don't worry about them, worry about your own healing/moving on. Go no contact and block him to retain your dignity/self esteem, rather than chasing someone who's broken up with you.

 

What were the reasons for the breakup? Do you still live in the same house together?

 

We aren't living in the house, we'd bought it as a project and we're doing it up. The reasons he gave for the break up was the usual 'it's not you its me.' He said he didn't want to settle down and he didn't feel he loved me as much as he should. We'd been arguing a bit but it was very out of the blue, only a few months ago he told me he'd planned how he would propose to me.

[Wiseman2]

It may be best to bow out of this project. He's moved on, it's over and there's nothing left to say after this 2602;6640792]We aren't living in the house, we'd bought it as a project and we're doing it up. He said he didn't want to settle down and he didn't feel he loved me as much as he should.

[Steph2602]

It may be best to bow out of this project. He's moved on, it's over and there's nothing left to say after this

 

I appreciate the advice and I am doing my best to move on, however the reason I started this thread was more to hear from people who have been through something similar. Im finding it very difficult to see someone i have spent five years with and planned a future with move on so quickly and my self esteem is shot to pieces, so I thought it would help to hear from others so I could feel less alone and worthless, and maybe identify patterns of behaviour that make it less about me than him. Hope that makes sense.

[Chon]

I think he was being truthful when he mentioned that he hasn't fully moved on but doesn't want to be together as well.

 

When my ex broke up with me, she started spending more time with someone who seemed to have extremely different values and even contemplating giving them both a chance at a relationship.

 

When I found out, I was just really confused. I felt betrayed. I thought about their friendship prior to our break up and felt a mixture of disappointment and anger that she allowed this to happen. Well, eventually she broke things off with this person (i.e. completely dropped the friendship) after many controlling and negative encounters.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that, if someone hasn't fully processed their own break up, they are likely to engage in rebound behaviour of fast-tracking the new relationship in order to achieve a high level of intimacy that you once shared. It's a way of filling a void so to speak.

 

That's not to say that their relationship with the new person is doomed. It's possible that they will get on perfectly with time. It doesn't mean that if their relationship doesn't work, they will come back to you. That last sentence is very important to acknowledge since it will prevent you from clinging on to the hope that they might come back once they realise that their current relationship isn't going to work.

 

It's very possible that the new relationship is merely a catalyst/indicator to them, that they needed to end things with you.

[pettypink]

You never know if it will work out or not. I find its easier to move on if you assume they will work out/get married and will no longer be in your life again...

 

That said, in my experience, the rebounds haven't really worked out. My first boyfriend's ex-girlfriend left him for another guy due to distance. The new couple worked out for two years and then broke up when she moved on to someone else. Besides a few "I miss you"s here and there, she did not return to my first boyfriend.

My first boyfriend and I also broke up (he was the dumper), and he met someone new a few months later. They lasted about 5-6 months before also breaking up and him admitting to me yeaaaars later that she was a rebound. At the time I was literally devastated and had to do therapy lol.

 

It's up to you - do you really want to torture yourself waiting for something that might never happen when instead you can move on and be a stronger, better person/find someone else who rocks your world?

Rebounds can last years, become marriages, or dissolve. Why bet on something so volatile when you can bet on yourself to do better?

 

Xx

[Steph2602]

The term "rebound" most often applies to the dumpee when they get romantically involved fresh out of the relationship rather than the dumper. I'd say the vast majority of the time, the dumper has checked out of the relationship well before they actually pull the trigger.

 

While I personally love my single-time, playing the field a bit and having fun between relationships, I don't think it's a rule that everyone should avoid dating for x amount of time afterward.

 

I agree there's no hard and fast rule about how long you should avoid dating. My best friend met her fiancé when they were both only a few weeks out of relationships.

 

Not sure I agree that it's only the dumpee who rebounds though. I think regardless of whether it was your decision or not, the end of a relationship leaves a 'hole' that people sometimes want to fill. My ex and I split up once before and that time he actively scoured the Internet looking for women as a coping mechanism.

 

I might be generalising here but it seems to be men who rebound much more than women. I think it might be because women have different outlets, crying, talking to their girlfriends etc whereas men just seem to try and mask the pain.

[Wiseman2]

Or it could be a chicken-and-egg thing where he was looking to exit for better opportunities or grass-is-greener syndrome and then broke up/wants to take "breaks". Overall if someone is unhappy they will eventually leave the relationship.

My ex and I split up once before and that time he actively scoured the Internet looking for women as a coping mechanism.

[Gary Snyder]

He's on the rebound, and most of those relationships don't workout. A few do though.

 

Quit beating yourself up........ not only should you cut contact, but you should stop looking at his Spacebook. You'll heal quicker. Try to move on with your life.

[Anon18150]

When I was 17 I rushed into a relationship with someone, rebounded when we broke up and was with the second guy for 3 years!

[gebaird]

The stories we tell ourselves define our reality. It seems like you want/need to feel like it's a rebound relationship because it hurts you to feel like he could care so little for you and be able to move on so easily. So tell yourself it's a rebound! The timing certainly supports that theory.

 

I was in a rebound at the end of a 4 year relationship. I was the dumper and my rebound relationship lasted 3 weeks, but I didn't go back to my ex and can't imagine the end of my rebound relationship gave her any kind of comfort.

 

Don't wait for certain outcomes, like him breaking up with her, before deciding to be okay. Decide to be okay regardless of what he does.

[Somegirl613]

I'm in pretty much the identical situation as you are. My ex of 5 years and I split in January, but we were talking about trying again towards the end of June. We spent a day together talking about everything and it was like we were back together. The next two days he got really distant, pretty much refusing to talk to me unless it was about our son. I finally found out that he'd met a woman the day after we spent together. Two weeks later they were living together and from what I've heard have been engagement ring shopping. They're going on three months now and as far as I can tell, they're happy. I sincerely thought that she was just a rebound, but now I'm not so sure, it's like our 5 years never happened and I've never mattered to him. The longer the new relationship lasts, the more it becomes clear that it's not just a rebound, it's the real thing, at least in their mind. It'll get easier to accept as time goes on, just hang in there.

[Steph2602]

The stories we tell ourselves define our reality. It seems like you want/need to feel like it's a rebound relationship because it hurts you to feel like he could care so little for you and be able to move on so easily. So tell yourself it's a rebound! The timing certainly supports that theory.

 

Don't wait for certain outcomes, like him breaking up with her, before deciding to be okay. Decide to be okay regardless of what he does.

 

You talk a lot of sense, I guess I want to hear it's a rebound because then it will mean he does care and is just masking his feelings, whereas the alternative hurts too much.

 

I don't want him back, I just wish I felt okay without him. I'm not there yet and I haven't seen any progress in my mood despite NC for three weeks. If anyone has any tips they'd be gratefully received...

[Wiseman2]

If you don't want him back, that's good. What's "the alternative"?

I guess I want to hear it's a rebound because then it will mean he does care and is just masking his feelings, whereas the alternative hurts too much.

[boltnrun]

My ex is still with the woman he got with after he dumped me. And they got together in 2009.

 

The "alternative" (which, I presume, means accepting it's over and moving on) is INITIALLY hurtful, but trying to hold on to someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore is way more hurtful in the long run.

[Wiseman2]

Your journey of healing and moving on is completely independent of his actions or motives. Going NC and not keeping tabs is the best way forward.

I guess I want to hear it's a rebound because then it will mean he does care and is just masking his feelings, whereas the alternative hurts too much

[Steph2602]

If you don't want him back, that's good. What's "the alternative"?

 

The alternative is that he never really loved me, at least not as much as I loved him. He pushed for us to buy a house together only a few months ago then did a complete 180, and my fear is that our whole relationship has been a lie.

[Steph2602]

My ex is still with the woman he got with after he dumped me. And they got together in 2009.

 

The "alternative" (which, I presume, means accepting it's over and moving on) is INITIALLY hurtful, but trying to hold on to someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore is way more hurtful in the long run.

 

No it's not that, I really want to move on. "The alternative" I meant was that if he can move on so easily it meant he never really loved me and everything he told me was a lie.

[Wiseman2]

He probably did love you at some point but then things weren't working out. It sounds like that was about the same time he met someone else.

The alternative is that he never really loved me, at least not as much as I loved him. He pushed for us to buy a house together only a few months ago then did a complete 180, and my fear is that our whole relationship has been a lie.

[Zadies022]

He probably did love you at some point but then things weren't working out. It sounds like that was about the same time he met someone else.

 

After reading this whole thread about how your bf of 5 years just up and left/ was instantly with another woman, seriously put a lump right in my throat. The same thing happened to me with my bf ( I also lived with for) 11 years (we were in a relationship for total of 14) when he broke up with me last month. He even went so far as to saying at the time of him breaking up (and kicking me out of his home we shared since the day he bought it) things like:

"I'm not sure whether what we even had was LOVE at ALL."

"I'm no longer in love with you, but still care for you deeply and want to see you happy someday".

" I feel like I have a lot of love to give, but not to you."

.

.....AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

 

"Zads, you and I both know this has been a long-time coming..u can't say u didn't feel this relationship drifting out of our reach ---& for a VERY long time we BOTH denied it, but we just coasted on to NOT address lots of important issues".

 

Um, I feel like this, and what you were saying your ex said to you when he chose to do what he did, is nothing but a mere COP OUT for THEIR actions in which THEY had been clearly taking behind OUR backs, in a feeble attempt to justify the fact that they are GUILTY AS SIN of seeking (and in both of our cases, thinking that they have FOUND) greener grass.

 

I, for one can say in an attempt to possibly help you further dissect (or begin to see "when things went wrong" in YOUR situation, that in mine, two months prior to our breakup (may-ish), there was absolutely NO sign of anything amiss, as we were still talking about remodeling the house, and going on a long vacation with both mine, and his families during the month of August. We also used to constantly talk and text each other, all day, every day and when we weren't working, we were going out to dinner, hanging with friends, going to movies, or on an ordinary night, just laying on the couch together eating popcorn and watching Netflix! After almost NOT doing ANY of our "usual" activities like this that we've basically been doing for the past 14 years, for the whole month of July, I FINALLY decided (I also work like CRAZY during the summer so I had to even take a day off when things started heading south) and ask him to hang out so we could "catch up" and just do ANY one of our "couple" activities that we both once knew and loved, but hadn't done in so long.... Its not like we hadn't gone weeks or maybe even a month in the past during our 14 years together, where one or the other wasn't just busy, and we both work and in the past never even QUESTIONED what the other was doing, but... this time it just FELT differnt, before it seemed he always seemed to call or text at least two-three times throughout the day, just to say hi, or know one another's whereabouts....so I KNEW something was very wrong this time, and frankly, THAT Was when the BALL DROPPED.

 

He finally came home one afternoon, and I basically BEGGED him to take me somewhere to do something...anything,... It was one of the first days of August...hot, beautiful, sunny. I asked, and was met with ANGER and hostility from him..it wasn't going well...he told me in reply to me asking if he was EVER planning on coming home to spend time with ME, TO "GET USED TO IT, I'm NOT going to be around anymore" And THAT was the day I was completely blindsided. He went on to tell me that HE was contemplating for a Looooong time, but he decided, he needed to start a new chapter of his life. Life without ME.

 

This was after he spent almost the ENTIRE month of July away from our home, and when he did come around (usually for food, occasional quick, meaningless sex, and a change of clothes) He asked me to pack my things (& HE wanted EVERYTHING gone ASAP).

So me, being totally clueless and blindsided, attempted to understand things and hang around the house for a few days, (also in COMPLETE denial), only to see that he was NOT coming home at night, NOT in the morning or afternoon, NOT ever, NOT willing to just TALK TO ME to give me some form of closure. During this hellish week, he was staying overnights somewhere else (in which I still don't know where), but DO know now---he wasn't spending them alone.

 

Finally, after about a week and a half, I got most of my basic necessities

together, and moved back in with my parents, who are now in their late 60's, after being with this man (that I now no longer even KNEW) in his home he once shared with me, for 11 years, and I for one, had NO plans to go ANYWHERE. But here I am, nearly a month and a half later. Still with my mom and dad, at age 37.

 

A few short weeks later, I find out (we live on a fairly small island) through the "grapevine" and not even from him, that he is indeed seeing somebody who broke off a (pretty short) relationship to be with him as well........ and the KICKER..... she's 20 years his junior!!

 

I have since talked to him a few times on the phone, and after about 3 weeks, he's finally admitted that he began talking "innocently" to this "girl" sometime in Mid June, but promises he didn't officially get "together" with her "until after" he dumped me, assuring his fidelity up until the official spliT. I say. Who the hell even cares anymore. Ugh. This is all just totally insane to me STILL. And I'm struggling with it from the minute I open my eyes to start my day, until the minute I can get it out of my head long enough to go to sleep. I don't even know how I am working every day at this point...but I'm doing it! Time is passing by. I dropped 27 lbs..but I can't even stomach anything..of course, he always thought I wasnt in good shape, but now I appear in the best shape of my life. So within literally 5 minutes of me posting new profile pics on Facebook one day of my new found weight loss, lo and behold the phone rang and it was him. Professing how GREAT I look, saying I am so beautiful and that men will definitely desire me now...but he has moved on, yet, he still can't let go of "us" part of him still wants me, and the attraction is ALL totally there for him.

 

 

Anyway, up to this point, he has shown a bit of confusion at times by inviting me back to "his" (which used to be "my") house, for (passionate and amazing sex which we honestly haven't had in a year), and to tell me he is sorry, but this "relationship" he has with the youngster was "definitely NOT planned nor supposed to happen" but it "just did" and they ARE in HIS mind, and hers supposedly too, officially "together".

 

So I was basically completely replaced in a matter of 2 months or so, by a (WAY) younger, better looking model.

A few weeks back, he was kind of confiding in me (I know, it's crazy, but I'm NOW in NC again because of it) about how he is"already annoyed" with his new little girlfriend because of their gigantic age difference, and her unwillingness to admit that she is dating him, and her insecurities, which one of them is HIM wanting ME back . (Which he says is definitely her MAIN insecurity) ...go figure. She's 19.

 

THEREFORE I am done "sneaking" in and out of his house at night so he can only confuse me more, and inhibit by personal growth, as this thought came to me: HE was once doing this to ME , and this GIRL was on the side, now the roles have reversed and somehow I GOT on "the side" . Which tells me that nC is the only way to go. He has since texted me to bring things back or come and get some more of my stuff, but I just ignore them. As I need to get right out of this current drama fest he has going right now (and believe it or not there is more drama in his life now than with just her and I! ) He is a wreck. He HATES drama. Now he can't even walk into a convenience store without drama starting on this small island becauee of his awful choices...and it doesn't end there, believe me...

However, he actually communicated in all of this to me-- that he believes he is getting his 'karma' for dating someone this young, BUT. I don't feel he really is quite yet....so, the moral of my story is, I am strictly adhering to nC. Which is VERY hard, but I will (and am finally) adjusting to it, and being back with my parents after having my own privacy and space, is definitely the HARDest part thus far. I could go into more detail, however am curious about more in your situation too, steph.....

Anyways, hope to hear some details on your story...have you and your ex been in contact at all? Has he actually told you that he has found/ is with someone else yet? I could say SO much more, but am getting sore fingers from typing and I already suffer from carpal tunnel.

Anyway, steph, I'm certainly thinking of/feel for you...let us know what is happening if you have the time, or need to write/elaborate on what is going on at the moment on your side of the fence...thinking of you!

[Steph2602]

Hi Zadies, thanks for sharing your story and so sorry to hear what you're going through. No, my ex hasn't told me he is 'together' with this girl, but he has plastered it all over Facebook. It's unusual because he's usually quite private on Facebook, but it's like they can't go anywhere without checking themselves in. I'm on about week 3 of NC now and he hasn't tried to contact me, I doubt he will.

 

The weird thing about this girl is that she is the total opposite of me, and the opposite of what I thought he valued in a person. Or maybe I just didn't know him at all.

 

He promised he would help me with remodelling the house, but he hasn't so far and I doubt he will. I know for a fact that his way of dealing is to cut me out of his life completely (despite him being the one who initially wanted us to be friends and still talk.)

 

Honestly, I don't know how I feel now. I am heartbroken but I don't understand how he can be so cold. In my situation, although there were more arguments than usual, there weren't any real 'signs.' Sex life was good, we texted all day every day when we were apart, said 'I love you' frequently etc etc. My guess is that we were having lots of arguments and he started to view me negatively as a result, and started to see this girl as a more attractive option which he decided to pursue. Total grass is greener I think. But now I'm thinking, as much as I thought he was 'the one', if he can check out of our relationship that easily is he even worth it? I just don't know any more and I'm not sure what I'll do when the 30 days is up. I don't see how I can contact him when he's with someone else.