should I try to get back together with him?

[gogomal]

this is such a long story that I don't know if I'm capable of explaining it fairly for both people. I'm gonna try my best to keep it short. we both met online. we live in different countries and we both had our lives and we were friends for like 1 year. I am a flirty person with people I like so, I was flirty and one day that made him tell me "hey you don't let me flirt with you you cut me off" basically asking for something more. I cut him off cause I wasn't trying to do anything with him plus he made it clear he doesn't wanna be with anyone so I was just messing around. I always had feelings for him from the moment i met him I don't know how since this is online and all but that's the truth.

after that things got on and we were together with no labels we were just doing what feels right didn't feel the need to make it into something that it wasn't. I remember really not wanting to put a label on it either. .I might have been scared or I don't know I can't really remember how I was feeling at the start and why I didn't wanna push it but I didn't really care to put label on myself or him to call us something. we knew we were serious with each other anyways and it was exclusive so it really didn't matter to me or him.

the more we stayed together we kept having problems, fights, arguments and all...and the problem with that is from my point of view he would get really adusive with words call me a , and hurtful things. I know I might have made mistakes as well but it just for me doesn't justify him speaking to me that way. we had a couple of problems like that about behaviors and stuff. talked about it and we said we would be nicer to each other or try to make things better.

he kept his word in half the stuff.. the other half kind of he would quit when it was hard to deal with. he is not very expressive not very used to it and it makes him pretty passive agressive at the end. it was one of the things we talked about and actually he asked for it. . he asked that we don't be passive agressive with each other and it just didn't work out.

I don't know how to put this into words but I'm so in love with.him and I was going to travel there and see him and I was gonna move there as well for uni and I just hoped that things would go so well but it gets so freaking hard. I know he struggles and I understand but it's so hard for me to have him one day be so nice to me and the other have a wall up and make me feel like trash and stuff. it is really not healthy for me.. every time we break up he keeps coming back and I do the same i tried breaking up because I felt like it was the best choice but I just can't keep it cause I wanna be with him so much. at the same time I don't wanna hurt myself or him in the process. at the moment we r not talking we had a fight again and he deleted me and now.. I don't know I really.miss him and even tho I won't bother him I won't go back since he deleted me I'll just let him go.. I wanna know if he comes back what should I do.. I don't take this delete seriously because of his past behavior I just feel like he will come back as he always did. and I know he is such a wonderful person and he loves me but he just doesn't wanna make the step and commit to me I feel like he is always with one foot out the door. and I don't know what to do...

I know this long post no one gonna read probably and I might not even get any replies.. but i tried to nor only show his bad side I tried to be fair because he deserves it..

I know I've hurt him before and he hurt me and I know long distance is really hard especially for like 1 year that would be coming up until I move there if everything went well.. and I know that he is young 19 and I'm young as well 21 but I just always felt that he is something special and I just can't seem to let it go. I know how to move on and I've done it before and I know that if for him it's over then it will be over for me and I'll move on and be okay. . but.. I just wanna hear what u guys think and maybe some advice or anything for the future...

[gebaird]

A toxic relationship, once established, is extremely difficult to escape (as you are finding). Most of the time it's a choice between continuing the toxicity and ending the relationship; it's very unlikely the two of you will be able to fix this and remain together. The fact that it's already this abusive and it's only an LDR is very concerning to me. It seems that it will only get worse if you are able to see each other in person.

 

I'm sure he has good qualities -- many abusers do -- but you realize that doesn't make up for the bad stuff, right? You are absolutely right that your behavior does not justify abuse. There's no excuse for abuse, ever.

 

It sounds to me like you are addicted to this guy, to the feelings of love you have for him. You're not thinking straight. I don't know what your childhood was like or what your previous romantic relationships did to you, but if you just re-read your post you might see how crazy it might sound to someone who is not involved in the situation.

 

I'm going to tell you something, and I mean this in the most kind and caring way possible: get some therapy. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to a therapist's office because THIS IS INCREDIBLY UNHEALTHY.

 

You have your whole life ahead of you! Why on earth would you want to become MORE involved with an abusive but sometimes caring guy? Go to uni, meet a nice boy who gives you the respect you deserve, and live happily ever after.

[gogomal]

A toxic relationship, once established, is extremely difficult to escape (as you are finding). Most of the time it's a choice between continuing the toxicity and ending the relationship; it's very unlikely the two of you will be able to fix this and remain together. The fact that it's already this abusive and it's only an LDR is very concerning to me. It seems that it will only get worse if you are able to see each other in person.

 

I'm sure he has good qualities -- many abusers do -- but you realize that doesn't make up for the bad stuff, right? You are absolutely right that your behavior does not justify abuse. There's no excuse for abuse, ever.

 

It sounds to me like you are addicted to this guy, to the feelings of love you have for him. You're not thinking straight. I don't know what your childhood was like or what your previous romantic relationships did to you, but if you just re-read your post you might see how crazy it might sound to someone who is not involved in the situation.

 

I'm going to tell you something, and I mean this in the most kind and caring way possible: get some therapy. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go straight to a therapist's office because THIS IS INCREDIBLY UNHEALTHY.

 

You have your whole life ahead of you! Why on earth would you want to become MORE involved with an abusive but sometimes caring guy? Go to uni, meet a nice boy who gives you the respect you deserve, and live happily ever after.

 

Because I'm in love with him and because he was looking into going to a therapist he already talked to someone to fix his issues. I know that it's easier to say hey you have issues I'm going already way to find someone better. But how is that love ? I've had issues myself and some similar to him like not being able to express stuff and I know his position. believe it or not before I saw a therapist myself I was horribly abusive as well. and it's not in my character as all its just the issues. when I fixed them all that went away.. and I believe I see the same in him too. and that's what kept me with him. At least this is what I had in my mind. I wanna be with him.. but as I said if it doesn't work out im just gonna let him go. I don't know if I'm addicted or how could I be addicted to him but ye the above is how I think about it .

[Wiseman2]

It loving yourself and also him to allow him to hit rock bottom alone so he can fix himself rather than being enabled by you and your own projection to remain a toxic monster.

But how is that love ?

[gogomal]

It loving yourself and also him to allow him to hit rock bottom alone so he can fix himself rather than being enabled by you and your own projection to remain a toxic monster.

 

he was trying to get help he was in the process why would i abandon him then? i mean ... that was at the point that i didnt really realize i was enabling him. but i guess i was... somehow.. idk how...