What on earth happened between me and my FWB??? VERY LONG POST

[cf63000]

Hello!

 

I've just signed up today and looking for some answers about my FWB situation. It lasted 9 months.

 

I met this guy at a bar through a mutual friend. After the second meeting, we had sex (rejected him on first). He then asked for a NSA relationship, I agreed since I didn't want a committed relationship and thought it would be a great way to have my needs met. I asked him casually (I wasn't interested in him) if he wanted a girlfriend, he said "I don't want to feel tied down". So I left it at that without any intentions of hoping I could change his mind, as I also did not want a relationship.

 

We sometimes acted like a couple, holding hands (around his friends), kissed a few times, met up sometimes and would not ask for sex, took me to water park, beach, races ect. Not all the time, just a few times in the 9 month period we were seeing each other as friends with benefits. He has told me loves me but I did not think anything more of it as I honestly believed him when he said he did not want a girlfriend and had no intentions of hoping he would change his mind. I never said I love you back.

 

Here is the confusing part. One night we met up and he told me (he's muslim) that he was engaged and that he didn't want to but he didn't want to upset his parents. He told me it was up to me if I wanted to continue seeing him. I didn't know what to say as I wasn't sure if he was lying just to find an excuse to end things or he was really serious. Anyways, I later asked his cousin and he said he was engaged. So I went home and said to myself I'd forget about him. I care for him deeply so I was really hurt that our friendship was over as I didn't want to be in that position with an engaged or married man, actually made me think less of him as a person to be willing to cheat on his fiancee. I never officially ended it, I just stopped communicating with him.

 

So My ex before him had been pranking me (I didn't know it was him at the time) while I was still seeing this fwb, I learned just after deciding to forget about my fwb that it was my ex who had been pranking me. I decided to meet up with him to take my mind off my fwb and went to the club I normally went with fwb as it was right next to my work and felt safe. FWB turned out to be there and I introduced him to my ex, fwb looked stunned to see me with this guy. I didn't think anything of it as I assumed he didn't like me and was engaged anyway, I was not trying to make him jealous. Anyways, I continued on with my ex at the club.

 

3 weeks went by without hearing from my fwb then one night he called and asked if we wanted to meet up to go to the club. I agreed, but I thought it was as just friends because he was enganged. He seemed really down in the car and he told me he really liked this song (listen to your heart - DHT). I never asked what was wrong, I probably should have. Anyways, not long after arriving at the club, he told me we need to talk. I thought OK. We went outside and he said "listen, I know you're in love with me but I was only using you for sex". He talked about how he didn't feel the same way about me as I did for him and that I deserved to be with a guy like my friend (my best guy friend) and that he is a top bloke. He went on about not wanting to hurt me and that he sleeps with married women, takes drugs yadda yadda yadda and that I deserve better. He kept talking but I just stood there in shock. I could see the hurt in his eyes and hear the hurt in his voice like he didn't really mean what he was saying. I couldn't understand why he was saying all this when I never gave any indication that I loved him. Yes I did love him, but I didn't want to be with him since he told me from the start he didn't want a GF so I kept my feelings in check. Then he said he was going to take me home. We went back in the club and not long later, I discovered he left me there and took off, did not pick up his phone when I called to see where he was. Our mutual friend had turned up so he took me home. I felt like this was all planned as this guy rarely went to this club.

 

I was trying to "win" fwb back as I did love him and missed him. I eventually sent him a text and he said he was moving overseas (lied). That was the last text I ever sent him, I forgot about him and moved on. A few weeks later, I was walking down the street and I happened to have walked past him when he was sitting down at a table, he looked so hurt when he saw me, I quickly glanced at him, didn't say anything and then continued walking.

 

Why did he do all this??? I just don't understand. When you use someone for sex, you just cut them off and don't go out of your way to do this deliberately. It's like he wanted to hurt me but why? He never wanted to be with me, if he did, he would've told me. This is pretty extreme, even for a bruised ego, no? I'm thinking maybe a NPD disorder but then why did he seemed so hurt when I walked past? Having no closure is killing me.

[j.man]

Never do NSA or FWB again. You're not the type of person for it.

[gebaird]

Personally, I don't think you're going to get closure from talking to your former FWB. Your best closure is going to come from no contact and moving on. He really doesn't seem like the kind of guy you want to continue to invest in. Too many lies.

 

FWB seems simple in the beginning, but inherently becomes complicated if it continues too long. Sounds like are learning that lesson the hard way Sorry.

[Batya33]

This sounds like someone you met and you agreed to a sexual arrangement -not like you were friends first. It may be different when two people are good friends first and then decide to have sex. I think in reality you did want more and were not honest with yourself. I agree that a sexual arrangement like this is not for you. I'm sorry you feel disappointed.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry, but this is full of contradictions.

I care for him deeply so I was really hurt that our friendship was over as I didn't want to be in that position with an engaged or married man, actually made me think less of him as a person to be willing to cheat on his fiancee.

 

Followed by:

 

I was trying to "win" fwb back as I did love him and missed him. I eventually sent him a text and he said he was moving overseas (lied).

 

I'm sorry this happened, but he explained his status fairly early on. As the saying goes, "when someone shows you who they are the first time...believe them." Hopefully you can take the steps to move forward, and take the lesson with you. There is not, and never was a future with this guy...

[cf63000]

I don't think you understood. I loved him as a friend, we both cared about each other, I don't doubt that, he had said he loved me and I always knew it as a friend. I never wanted a relationship with him. When he told me that he was getting married, I saw that as a sign that he did not want to see me again, either as fwb or as a friend so I cut him off that night (without directly telling him). When he called 3 weeks later, I was surprised, as I thought he wanted nothing to do with me, so I agreed to meet up thinking he wanted to stay JUST friends.

 

I was wanting to stay friends (winning him back) thinking that is what he wanted too because I missed him in my life, as a friend. I already mentioned that I knew from the beginning that he didn't want a relationship and I didn't continue in the hopes it would become more, I believed him the first time so the thought of becoming more never crossed my mind, but he was somebody that I loved as a really close friend. The thoughts of being more only crossed my mind in the early stages then lost them.

 

I never did anything to show him that I loved him, in fact, I was quite distant to avoid getting atached because we have so much in common. No I don't think I will get closure. It's the weirdest thing I've experienced from someone. I just don't understand why he didn't just leave things like I did. He didn't need to come back 3 weeks later just to hurt me.

[cf63000]

Yes, we just met through a mutual friend, we weren't friends first. I agreed because he was not my type but we grew to become, what I thought as, close friends. In the early stages, yes, i would have given him a shot, but once he said he didn't want a relationship, I believed him so stayed fwb but kept my feelings in check - really.

[j.man]

kept my feelings in check - really.

Nope. Ya didn't.

[cf63000]

Ok, if that is what you want to believe. I know my mind and i know that I loved him as a friend, I had deep respect for him but I did not want a relationshp, even if I did (as you say) have feelings for him. A relationship was out of the question at that point with any guy, I had too many problems in my life. I was hurt to lose him as a friend, because I cared about him a lot and it came as a surprise that he did that, when we never had any arguments, nothing, to warrant that sort of reaction. My only theory was that he was married all along.

 

Whether or not I had feelings is not the point of my question. I would never deliberately hurt someone, whether I cared about that person or not. I ended things (in my mind) and he should have left my absence at that. I did not try and hurt him when he said he was getting married. By not contacting him in 3 weeks would've showed him that I knew things were over. I was hurt to lose the friendship.

[j.man]

Surely you've got enough friendships that weren't founded on you getting plowed. If you think you're genuinely missing "friendship," you're kidding yourself... and in a way that's as unfunny as Jeff Dunham.

[cf63000]

The reason why I missed friendship with him was because we had many things in common that I never had with somebody else - he was honest and to the point, direct and fun to be around without being judgemental. He was different which is why I cared about him. I did not want a relationship with him, even if I wanted more. Accept what you want to believe and it still does not answer my question so please refrain from responding if you cannot give a clear cut answer as to why on earth someone would want to DELIBERATELY hurt someone who you've never had an argument with. That's what's hurting, not knowing why he did that. I've been used by guys before (monetary reasons) and they just stopped calling when I wouldn't give them what they wanted.

[ThatwasThen]

I never did anything to show him that I loved him, in fact, I was quite distant to avoid getting atached

You weren't distant. Holding hands and crossing "friend" only boundaries isn't keeping distant. It's a bonding ritual that romantic couples engage in. If you slept over in his bed or he in yours overnight, then that is another romantic relationship bonding ritual that isn't "keeping distant."

 

Its quite clear why all these FB's and FWB's situations end up with someone getting hurt when all these bonding rituals are taking place.

 

Why did he do all of this? Probably because he found out you were asking questions about him which gave him the idea you may just cause some trouble between him and his fiancé?

 

Maybe he really did have feelings develop due to all those bonding rituals going on instead of just being FRIENDLY with benefits so he had to make it in his mind that he had to turn you down? Who really knows and why care? These things rarely have a long shelf life so chalk it up to an experience you (if you are smart) won't get yourself in again with anyone else.

 

Frankly, I think buying a toy or getting creative with ONE'S SELF is far more satisfying then all the drama, confusion, mixed signals, crossing of boundaries and disappointment an eff buddy situation seems to provide.

 

If you're ever going to do something like this again, keep it real and don't be doing any bonding rituals. That way you won't come to "love" who you're casually bopping but just be fond of them and a tad disappointed when they find themselves a replacement and end the goings on.

[cf63000]

Thank you for your response TWT. We held hands on a couple of occasions. Kissed maybe twice but we never did anything like dinner dates or anything. Only slept over once but never had sex, it was when we went away to the races.

 

Well, that is why it hurts. I already knew that he never wanted to be with me but to actually have someone do it the way that he did it, by driving me half an hour to a club just to tell me he was only using me for sex and then dumping me then and there and taking off when I don't even drive, nor even having enough money to get a taxi home, when we never had an argument or any disagreements, that surely has to hurt. Who cares whether I liked him, loved him or whatever, but he wanted to hurt me. I'm not vindictive.

[cf63000]

I never asked any questions about his fiancee. I just asked his cousin if it was true that he was engaged so I knew whether to end it or not. He never mentioned seeing anyone before that. I know that all fwb come to an end at some point. I'm only hurt by him taking me out just to 'humiliate' me, there was no need for that, especially if he was only using me for sex. It was not necessary to do that when he saw that I stopped all contact 3 weeks before.

[Batya33]

It's irrelevant that you two had a sexual arrangement -of course no one should leave you somewhere without transportation like that.

[cf63000]

Thank you Batya33 - finally someone who understands the reason for my post. Despite what people think, I never wanted to be with him and I knew that we were only fwb and we would be nothing more. I never even broached the subject because I did not want more but yes I did love him - as a friend. But the fact of the matter is why he drove 30 mins to my house to pick me up, just to drive me to a club, tell me he only used me for sex (like which is what we mutually agreed to be - sex) and then dump me to leave me stranded. I'm sure our mutual friend was in on it (known him for 5 years) and that's the only reason why I got home because he drove me home. He made everything into some big drama when all he had to do was leave it as how it was. Maybe I bruised his ego or he is a narcissist, who knows, but he told me he was getting engaged, told me it was up to me to decided and I decided to end things by moving on and cutting contact because I thought that meant our friendship was over too (I did want to remain friends). Anyways, I'll never get a clear cut answer and I'll just tell myself he is a narcissist to make myself feel better after this humiliation.

[Batya33]

He's not necessarily a narcissist - he simply is a person who acted like a jerk to you -he was never a real friend -he was someone you met at a bar and decided to have sex with -perhaps you also got to know him as a friend but the timing means this was primarily a sexual arrangement. I do think the fact that you had intercourse with him made you feel more attached to him than if you had not. Perhaps you will consider whether sexual arrangements like this work for you. And of course it's almost impossible to continue a friendship in these circumstances -do you really think he'd want his fiancee to meet you and find out that the 2 of you had sex?

[cf63000]

I have come across MANY jerks in my life and none of them acted like that. I had been in a 3 year fwb relationship in the past before, neither of us wanted to progress things and it ended amicably - no drama. I'm not going to spend 9 months with somebody and not feel some sort of attachment to them, I'm not an emotionally void robot, but that does not mean I want a relationship with them. I don't know, everyone has a different opinion about that. I'm still good friends with an ex-boyfriend and his family from 15 years ago and we only dated for 3 months. His girlfriend understands we work better as friends. Anyways, such is life.

[Batya33]

I too have come across people who act like jerks- so? It's not whether you feel attached -it's how much and if having intercourse increases the attachment such that it might no longer be the right arrangement for you. It's not about opinion, but rather about individual needs/situations. I'm friendly with people I dated too and married to an ex boyfriend.

[cf63000]

So? - because it wasn't necessary to do that, that is all.. The only reason why the attachment increased was because we had so much in common, I started enjoying his actual company rather than just the sex and this "attachment" began around the 7 month mark of our fwb and it was enough to really care about him but I was never "in love" with him. I've never had any sort of attachment like this with any previous sexual partners because we had nothing in common or very little. I've never met anybody who likes the same things I do. It was good to have somebody who enjoyed that and I was going to miss that.

 

Even if he was interested, I would not date him because although we had a lot in common, culturally and religiously, we clashed and many other things I would not have been able to accept. He is selfish, that is all. I don't want this man in my life, I'm not inerested in a friendship anymore but I don't want it to affect my trust in other people and have me second-guess their intentions as some people, are really good at fooling you, all because of this one jerk. I will never know why he did it, but of course, some jerks are worse than others.

 

It's more of a 'why me?' than anything else really because we never had any problems. Normally the jerks I came across, never schemed with a friend of mine that I've known for years (BIL in fact) to pick me up and leave me stranded, they didn't go out of their way to hurt me, they just simply stopped calling or called me a few names and these are guys I actually treated like crap so it wouldn't have come as a shock if they treated me like this guy did.

 

I'm seeing a lovely man now.

[Batya33]

Glad it all worked out! Sounds like fun/exciting for you that you can separate sex from emotions in that way. I agree that you don't want it to make you cynical or bitter.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately the "closure" was when he admitted having an arranged marriage set up but wanted a NSA arrangement until then.

 

He thought you were on board with this both when you agreed to fwb and then again after he admitted being engaged.

 

It sounds like you would be better off without him or this other ex.

He then asked for a NSA relationship, I agreed since I didn't want a committed relationship and thought it would be a great way to have my needs met. One night we met up and he told me (he's muslim) that he was engaged and that he didn't want to but he didn't want to upset his parents.

[cf63000]

Thank you wiseman.

 

Yes, the night we first met he asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said no and he was fine with that, we exchanged numbers. I gave my number not expecting to actually hear from him again. It was the second time when we met up that he stated he wanted a NSA relationship. I didn't want a bf so I thought why not?! I actually wasn't expecting it to last 9 months or to really even see him again after a few weeks. He disappeared for a month and then reappeared.

 

He didn't mention anything about the arranged marriage until the 9 month mark, the night I ended things because I became suspicious that perhaps there was always a woman on the side, but maybe she was not living in our Country at the time or that he was using an arranged marriage as an excuse to end things - so, that's why I asked him cousin if it was true.

 

Then I became even more confused when he did what he did, and then introduced me to his "girlfriend" to annoy me. If a guy wants you, he's going to ask you for a relationship, not for NSA. And even if a guy became attached in a NSA situation, it doesn't take 9 months to figure out whether you want to be in a relationship with that person or not.

 

I was on board, I agreed to sex. I am not upset he didn't want to be with me. I just didn't understand the drama after it was evident that I had no intentions of contacting him again as it had been 3 weeks he hadn't heard from me when normally it was weekly. I've never had anything like that before and I've been with some classic a holes, worse than this guy, but never did this.

 

How can you deliberately (pre-planned) abandon someone who had no money to get a taxi let alone a bus home, late at night, for all his friends to see? After all, it was just sex!

[Wiseman2]

He make take top honors in that category now, no?

I've been with some classic a holes

[Jibralta]

Why did he do all this??? I just don't understand. When you use someone for sex, you just cut them off and don't go out of your way to do this deliberately. It's like he wanted to hurt me but why? He never wanted to be with me, if he did, he would've told me. This is pretty extreme, even for a bruised ego, no? I'm thinking maybe a NPD disorder but then why did he seemed so hurt when I walked past? Having no closure is killing me.

 

Some people need to feel like the dumper. You walked away pretty cleanly when you found out that he was engaged (well done). He probably needed to be able to tell his friends that he dumped you, so he involved you in this nonsense conversation at the club:

 

Anyways, not long after arriving at the club, he told me we need to talk. I thought OK. We went outside and he said "listen, I know you're in love with me but I was only using you for sex". He talked about how he didn't feel the same way about me as I did for him and that I deserved to be with a guy like my friend (my best guy friend) and that he is a top bloke. He went on about not wanting to hurt me and that he sleeps with married women, takes drugs yadda yadda yadda and that I deserve better..... Then he said he was going to take me home. We went back in the club and not long later, I discovered he left me there and took off, did not pick up his phone when I called to see where he was.

 

Happened to me once, but we were in high school. I'd broken up with a guy, and weeks later got back together with him after he and one of his friends literally pleaded with me to do so. I think re-boyfriend and I hung out one time after that and he got all pissed off about nothing, stormed off in fury, and told all of his friends that he dumped me and that I was begging him to stay, along with a few other wild fabrications. Found out about these fabrications months later, as we went to different schools. It was really quite funny. Reminded me of some 1950s machismo b.s.

 

People do weird things when their egos are bruised. Sorry that you don't have closure, but you must know that this is really for the best. Not only does he cheat, but he's petty to boot.