My girlfriend thinks im not over my ex and its causing a lot of problems

[Casie]

Shes 21, Im 22.

 

My current girlfriend of a few months is going through a lot of hurt because she cant get off her mind that im not over my ex. We started dating around 3 months after we broke up, 2 years long relationship. It was a long distance relationship (she lived in another country) and overall now that I look back it wasnt a very good relationship, but I was young and naive back then.

 

The problem is she thinks im not over my ex. The main thing is I made a mistake, I lied to her a few months ago. I wasnt trying to lie with the intention to deceive or anything, just tried to avoid conflict. She asked me once if I sometimes searched for my ex on Facebook, and I answered no. The thing is I had searched for her a few times (and she noticed it), most of the time it was because some friends who still have her on FB saw hilarious stuff and asked me to look at it, but other times I was just curious to see what was up, thats that.

 

I dont talk to my ex anymore and I dont have her in any social media by now, but the question my gf asks herself is something among the lines of "I know you love me, but I cant know if youre also still in love with her or not". Her reasons are that 1) my ex broke up with me, not the other way. 2) She has never been able to see me interact with my ex due to the distance, so she says she doesnt know how id act around her to see if im really over her. 3) The Facebook search white lie I did.

 

I really love this girl and it kills me that shes going through many negative emotions because of this, I would love to fix this if possible. Does anyone have any good ideas on how to deal with this as a couple? Im afraid this might kill the relationship and I dont want that to happen because I see this girl as "the one".

 

tl;dr: Looking for advise on how to help girlfriend believe me that I am over my LDR ex.

[Swevelery]

This is a crappy situation to be in. I am on the opposing end(concerns about my boyfriend and his ex). Being the "new" girlfriend can be tough, especially following a long term relationship.

 

I feel like she does not have much of a reason to be concerned. The lie was not TERRIBLE, but any lie can cause some pretty negative side effects. I feel like all you can do is reassure her that you only love her. It would help if you deleted your ex from all social media accounts. Not sure if that's what you meant by not having her on social media. Also, always be upfront about ex stuff. If she is asking, she probably already knows the answer. I feel like she probably noticed you DID search your ex, and just wanted you to admit it by asking you if you had.

 

You could also do some small gestures to "prove" to your girlfriend that you love her. Get her a random present, flowers, or write her a heartfelt note, etc. I know that if my boyfriend did this, it would definitely win him some points.

[Casie]

I think I do that already. Shes even said shes noticed an improvement on how I act with her and towards her these past few months because I really care about her.

 

Yeah, I deleted her from Facebook and I didnt have her in any other social media.

 

And I promised to her that I would let her know if anything happened regarding my ex as soon as it happened, any contacting from her, if I had to message her for whatever reason, etc. But it hasnt happened. Unless you count her saying happy birthday to one of my best friends and me letting my current gf know it happened so she wouldnt be surprised.

 

Gestures are a big part of my relationship, just a few weeks ago she left on a trip and I made her a memory jar with tons of candy and cute stuff that represented our relationship and she loved it.

 

I think she feels really betrayed by the lie even though it happened a few months ago

[BlarneyStone]

IDK man, if you're curious about what's going on in your ex's life, it's hard to disagree with your current girl. At the same time, she sounds a little insecure. How does a conflict like this even begin? Did you bring up your ex? Do you ever bring her up? Does she inquire about your relationship history?

 

These are the thought-provoking questions that need answers.

[MirandaM]

I've been in your gf's shoes and it felt terrible to be consumed with jealousy. It would definitely help with romantic gestures from you to help reassure her and I see you did that already so I think you're doing great. And yes, don't lie at all concerning your ex because your gf will just assume it's because you're still in love with her.

 

What helped me overcome my jealousy was reassurance from my bf but most importantly, time. It took awhile and it might be frustrating on your part to reassure your gf over and over again, but hopefully she will realize in time she is jusy being crazy jealous for a bad reason.

 

Good luck!

[Casie]

IDK man, if you're curious about what's going on in your ex's life, it's hard to disagree with your current girl. At the same time, she sounds a little insecure. How does a conflict like this even begin? Did you bring up your ex? Do you ever bring her up? Does she inquire about your relationship history?

 

These are the thought-provoking questions that need answers.

 

It began because my ex sent my a happy birthday message on my birthday which I replied with "thanks, had a good time", and she assumed I still chatted with her and whatnot even though I showed her it wasnt the case.

 

Its hard to believe but she brings up my ex more than I do lol, I never bring her up because I dont find her relevant to my current life. She enquires about my history a lot and I never deleted the pictures my ex uploaded on Facebook because it wasnt a big deal to me, but she says shes seen "too much" of my past relationship and it bugs her.

 

Anyways we talked today and she really cant get over her thoughts of me not being over my ex so it seems like this relationship is over. I really dont know how searching for someone out of curiosity means you arent over that person but oh well.

[Casie]

I've been in your gf's shoes and it felt terrible to be consumed with jealousy. It would definitely help with romantic gestures from you to help reassure her and I see you did that already so I think you're doing great. And yes, don't lie at all concerning your ex because your gf will just assume it's because you're still in love with her.

 

What helped me overcome my jealousy was reassurance from my bf but most importantly, time. It took awhile and it might be frustrating on your part to reassure your gf over and over again, but hopefully she will realize in time she is jusy being crazy jealous for a bad reason.

 

Good luck!

 

Done that for three months but it doesnt seem like its enough Im willing to keep trying but she isnt I dont think.

[boltnrun]

If you really do love this woman, why wouldn't you take the 15 minutes and delete the pictures of your ex off of Facebook?

[Casie]

If you really do love this woman, why wouldn't you take the 15 minutes and delete the pictures of your ex off of Facebook?

 

Sorry if I wasnt clear, I deleted every single picture and my ex off of facebook as soon as I learned she had an issue with it. (About 3 months ago)

[boltnrun]

OK, because you said you "never deleted" the pics of your ex.

[catfeeder]

Next time GF bring up ex, I'd tell her, "I adore you and can picture the two of us together in the future. However, I can't prove a negative. If you believe that my ex remains a problem between us, then I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. You can battle the ghost in your own head, and if you ever decide that you're done raising her with me, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I'm too exhausted to keep having the same issue over and over again with no way to resolve it. So let's either resolve it and close the door on it, or let's part ways. You can think about it and let me know."

[itsallgrand]

I agree with cat feeder.

 

This is only a few months in and already so much insecurity on her part and making it an 'issue' in the dating phase!? She needs to make up her own mind if she wants to really try with you or not. Beyond showing her you are in- which you have - there's nothing more you can do that isn't veering towards unhealthy doing flips for someone. It takes two - she's on the fence.

[Casie]

Well she says the white lie caused too much damage (honestly I think this is an overreaction, but whatever) and that she cant shake off the feeling that im only with her because I cant be with my first choice (my ex) due to the impossibility because of the distance. She thinks shes just "good enough". Looks like its over.

[catfeeder]

Well she says the white lie caused too much damage (honestly I think this is an overreaction, but whatever) and that she cant shake off the feeling that im only with her because I cant be with my first choice (my ex) due to the impossibility because of the distance. She thinks shes just "good enough". Looks like its over.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. This is a typical down side of getting involved pretty fresh out of a long term relationship. Add someone who's insecure enough to snoop in your business, and there you have it: a combo plate of a disaster.

 

My heart goes out to you. Maybe consider letting the dust settle on the dating front for a while. You've been involved with someone for 2 years, and most women who you'd choose to date will view that as significant and not want to set themselves up as a rebound.

[MirandaM]

Done that for three months but it doesnt seem like its enough Im willing to keep trying but she isnt I dont think.

 

It took more than a year for me to even be normal about it and it was exhausting for both of us and took a toll on our relationship. I agree with catfeeder, unfortunately no matter how much you reassure your girlfriend if she can't bring herself to feel secure with your relationship then the problem will always resurface. In the end it is up to her.

From my experience even though I was really hurting I chose to stuck it out because I knew I had a special thing going on in my relationship and wanted to ride out the jealousy problems. Fortunately time answered my problem and I was finally able to feel secure regarding my bf's ex.

 

So far you've done good with just deleting all traces of her, make sure your gf has no access to them because it can be a trigger. Hope things will get better for you and your gf.

[Wiseman2]

I would admit to it. Yep, sounds counter-intuitive but she needs honestly/transparency most from you right now. You could say "before we dated and at first, I still had curiosity, but no feelings, per se".

 

Also tell what you've said here to reinforce this. That that relationship in retrospect wasn't very good and that you see her as the one.

The main thing is I made a mistake, I lied to her a few months ago. I wasnt trying to lie with the intention to deceive or anything, just tried to avoid conflict. She asked me once if I sometimes searched for my ex on Facebook, and I answered no

[Ksol9]

I was actually in a situation like this recently. I found some searches on my guys facebook of women he was involved with, while I believe its completely normal to be curious, I let it slide. BUT there is a reason she doesn't feel secure..it could be both, she is insecure and/or there may have been other things i.e. the happy bday message that makes her feel like there are feelings still. All your gf is seeing is that YOU still have this ex lingering around in your life. My guy gave the reasons you just stated...you didn't care and didn't think it was a big deal, but it was a big deal to me and I was thinking the same thing you stated your gf said. It's almost identical to my story. I let all those foolish searches slide. It bothered me, but I tried to look past it UNTIL I found emails he sent an ex saying he was in a hotel and asked her what she was doing...it all made sense. It sounds like you are being genuine that all of this meant nothing, but if you truly care about her, I believe you should do whatever you can to reassure her...even if that means making sure there is no further contact with your ex. That shouldn't be too much to ask if you no longer care about your ex right?

 

For example, if your ex contacts you, block or don't respond. Be open and honest about any contact.

[Casie]

Thanks to everyone taking time to reply to me, I appreciate it.

 

I would admit to it. Yep, sounds counter-intuitive but she needs honestly/transparency most from you right now. You could say "before we dated and at first, I still had curiosity, but no feelings, per se".

 

Also tell what you've said here to reinforce this. That that relationship in retrospect wasn't very good and that you see her as the one.

 

Thats what I did. Told her the truth and that it meant nothing, but its not helping.

[Casie]

I was actually in a situation like this recently. I found some searches on my guys facebook of women he was involved with, while I believe its completely normal to be curious, I let it slide. BUT there is a reason she doesn't feel secure..it could be both, she is insecure and/or there may have been other things i.e. the happy bday message that makes her feel like there are feelings still. All your gf is seeing is that YOU still have this ex lingering around in your life. My guy gave the reasons you just stated...you didn't care and didn't think it was a big deal, but it was a big deal to me and I was thinking the same thing you stated your gf said. It's almost identical to my story. I let all those foolish searches slide. It bothered me, but I tried to look past it UNTIL I found emails he sent an ex saying he was in a hotel and asked her what she was doing...it all made sense. It sounds like you are being genuine that all of this meant nothing, but if you truly care about her, I believe you should do whatever you can to reassure her...even if that means making sure there is no further contact with your ex. That shouldn't be too much to ask if you no longer care about your ex right?

 

For example, if your ex contacts you, block or don't respond. Be open and honest about any contact.

 

 

Im sorry about your unfortunate experience. I would never do such a thing to anyone let alone my gf, but I dont think she believes this due to the circumstances.

 

I have had 0 contact with my ex actually, and I told her I would let her know if anything arose. For example, my ex said happy birthday to one of my best friends recently, and to be transparent I let her know so she wouldnt be surprised.

 

---

 

Some extra developments, we talked. Long talk, same arguments. But during it she said something that was very hypocritical in my opinion. She asked me if I would honestly not care if she searched people like I did. I said I would not, that I understand curiosity can happen and its none of my business because I know she wants to be with me. Then she said something among the lines of "Well im glad to know, because ive had curiosity about certain people too but I dont search them". I said its fine if she did, as long as it wasnt like flirting with them and stuff. She then said sometimes she wondered if, in her words, her ex ever saw the pictures she posted on Facebook or instagram and whatnot. That to me is a bit worse than searching for someone, since one thing is curiosity and the other is legitimately wondering what the other person thinks of the pictures I post online, lol. But again, I dont care about this, I just think its extremely hypocritical she can think like that, assure me she is over her ex, and then claim im not because of what happened.

 

Anyone got any thoughts? Do you agree with me that her thinking goes beyond just searching someone? Would love input.

[Ksol9]

I think she was just trying to help you understand how she feels when she was giving you examples of her ex. In her mind, it's one thing to be curious and another to act on the curiousity by actually searching. In her mind, you actually searching was wrong because it shows you have interest. Like I said, I went through something similar on my relationship, so I completely understand how she's feeling. Now that I'm actually reading your thread I can see how I was absolutely wrong for making such a big deal..exactly what your girlfriend is doing.

 

 

She wants to hear that you understand how she feels. You don't have to agree or admit that it was wrong because You don't. You know that your searches were completely innocent. In hindsight, I gave my bf such a hard time over that. I should have been more understanding. This is what social media is all about. People search everyone. I've looked at my ex's page while I was in that relationship. I was a total hypocrite. It's strictly curiosity and not that I missed that person. I was so hard on my bf that I can now see my part in why our relationship was in the dumps...my lack of trust and faith in him. I ended up being right when I found the emails, but who knows if the stress and my constant bickering caused him to go to another woman in times of conflict...it's not right but people do these things.

 

What I'm trying to say is..don't get caught up in the arguing of who's right and who's wrong. Slow things down and help her see this from a broader perspective. You both have to have faith in one another. You have to have trust in one another. Tell her that although the search was innocent, you understand why it would appear that you are thinking of your ex enough to want to search her page. Tell her you didn't see any harm in it, but you see how it has effected her. Exactly how you gf sounds is exactly how I reacted. I freaked out and I already had my mind made up. It's not that I was insecure...I felt there were things that happened previously to make me feel this way and the more I found, the more it solidified my assumptions. It's a vivacious cycle and I hope your relationship doesn't go down the path mine did. I kept badgering him for reassurance, when that reassurance must come from within.

 

Have an understanding talk with her and then give her some time to think it through. Good luck to you. I really hope you guys smooth this out. This story struck a chord with me because i went through something similar.

[Ksol9]

Vicious not vivacious...lol. Autocorrect

[Casie]

Update: Since this post we talked and agreed to try since we both thought it was worth it. It was fine until today. She mentioned everyday is a struggle for her because the idea that I am not over my ex still looms on her mind and it makes every day for her painful. Ive been nothing but an amazing partner since the incident and this still bothers her.

 

She said she finds it hard to be like she used to be, calling me very affectionate names and saying I love you constantly, something which hurts me a lot. I love this girl and dont want to give up on her, but if after so long she still thinks im not over my ex despite everything (its been over a year and half since we broke up) is it even possible she will ever think I have? We both agree this is extremely immature on her part, but she does not want to go to therapy or talk to somebody. I dont know what to do.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she has not forgiven you for searching for your ex on fb. Even though you are back together she is upset and distrusting and holding it over your head. All you can do is stop talking about your ex and start healing the relationship.

She mentioned everyday is a struggle for her because the idea that I am not over my ex still looms on her mind and it makes every day for her painful.

[Casie]

It sounds like she has not forgiven you for searching for your ex on fb. Even though you are back together she is upset and distrusting and holding it over your head. All you can do is stop talking about your ex and start healing the relationship.

 

Problem is I NEVER mention her I literally dont even mention her name. She is the one that randomly gets upset some days over it, just by remembering it. How do you recommend we start healing the relationship? I have no idea where to start, Ive been loving and considerate everyday just like I was before, letting her know how much I love you but its not working.