My Ex Boyfriend showed up at my house (out of the blue) after 3 years ...

[bedheaddolly]

My heart nearly skipped a beat after I saw him out my window.

 

He asked me to come down, I did.

 

We spoke, the butterflies came back to life in my stomach.

 

He suggested we get together, then a few days later he sent me a text suggesting we go for Dinner.

 

Dinner was nice, but his disposition was arms length, flat.

 

Leaving that night, I was confused...he didn't make any moves, nothing, no warmth even.

 

It is then that I feel I made a rather major mistake...I wrote him telling him I still loved and that he was my dream, and that I have not been with anyone since him and that I missed him. His response was not warm at all, 'well, I just want to be friends ... our stars don't align".

 

Upset, I then emailed him again saying, 'you know how much you meant to me and how much I loved you ... a man does not show up at a woman's house after 3 years saying I want to be your friend...a man shows up saying, 'You've been on my mind, I missed you and I want you back in my life'. I told him he meant the world to me.

 

Hi response was very cold again, I like my life the way it is and don't want any major changes.

I came by because I didn't want you to hate me. I want to be your friend.

 

I told him being friends now, having had a history of Romance with you, to go from that to no warm connection - no depth - would be an odd environment for me and said no to a friendship with him.

 

... but then I changed my mind and said, okay let's try this.

He said okay.

I suggested, 'let's make dinner together and just hang out'.

 

Haven't heard from him in weeks.

 

Now that he knows how I feel, I am embarrassed, because I have exposed my true feelings for him and he is not reciprocating...and has lost total interest in contacting me again.

 

What do I do?

What do i do?

What do I do? ...

[ThatwasThen]

I came by because I didn't want you to hate me. I want to be your friend.

I would have laughed his azz right off of my porch.

 

What a dweeb. Both of you actually. Him for his narcissistic need to not be disliked and you for changing your mind about being demoted to "just friend."

 

Block him and get on with your life without him in it. First: Thank him for giving you 100% closure and making you realize he's an idiot.

[gp11a]

Why are you embarrrassed? You put it out there that you didn't think you could be friends (very rightly so, it all sounds like it was strange) and maybe he thought about it, and agreed. Good for you, I don't think it would go so well for you and it would stir up feelings for you, maybe. Perhaps he thought that after 3 years, you'd be just as cold to any romantic feelings, but it is obvious you still had something there for him.

 

And, how strange for someone to just show up 3 years out of the blue at someone's house! To say that you should get together and have dinner, but say they just want to be friends???

[nutbrownhare]

He wanted a bit of an ego boost, and you've had enough time in those three years to forget all the bad stuff and retain a rosy-tinted fantasy of him. As to what to do?

 

Nothing, absolutely nothing. Put this incident, and him, behind you and get on with your life.

[nutbrownhare]

And, how strange for someone to just show up 3 years out of the blue at someone's house! To say that you should get together and have dinner, but say they just want to be friends???

 

Maybe he'd just split up with someone and needed an ego stroke.

[bedheaddolly]

I was sincerely hurt when he left 3 years ago. But I let him go saying to him, go do what you want, but come back to me when you want a real relationship. But to show up after 3 years and to call me to come down and have a chat...so strange indeed. He had asked me a bunch a very personal questions out front my home...am I seeing anyone, have I been dating etc...I did not answer at the time, but later told him that I had not found anyone who compared to him and that I still loved him. That's when he said - look I had no idea you still felt anything for me, I just want to be friends, which I thought, well, maybe he's just scared or something and that I should try it. But he is now not contacting me anymore.

[bedheaddolly]

WHAT SHOULD I SAY if he contacts me now, saying yes come over and let's make a meal together????

I do feel like he is a Narcissist and I feel I made a BIG mistake. How do I react now??

[boltnrun]

Tell him no! WHY, if you still love him and he doesn't want to be with you, would you want to try to be "friends"?

 

What will you do if, sometime soon, he suggests dinner and brings his new date with him? After all, you agreed to be FRIENDS!

[ThatwasThen]

WHAT SHOULD I SAY if he contacts me now, saying yes come over and let's make a meal together????

I do feel like he is a Narcissist and I feel I made a BIG mistake. How do I react now??

 

IF he contacts you again (if you don't block him) then you calmly tell him that you've changed your mind about that friendship and to lose your number. Then hang up/end the chat/block his texts.

Or you say what I told you in my post above

Thank him for giving you 100% closure and making you realize he's an idiot.

[bedheaddolly]

Be nice to me okay?

I am really having a hard day. I fear he would think I'm some flip flop girl and I'm not. I just really loved this man and can not believe he has come back after all these years to be removed, void of emotion and distant. I guess I said yes to 'trying' to be his friend as I genuinely do like him as a person, and of course have hopes that he will stop being so scared and regain his feelings for me. The reason I now feel like it's a mistake to have agreed, is because he knows how I feel about him and he does not feel the same and sitting in-front of him would indeed make me feel even more vulnerable.

 

What I am asking help with is, how do I say no now (after agreeing to get together) without making myself look like a fool.

 

Please don't be harsh...I'm dealing with enough already and I thought this was a safe and kind place to get advice.

Thank you.

[Hermes]

This IS a safe and kind place, Bedhead. But sugar-coating is not the policy around here. All the advice you have been given is right on the money.

 

It WAS a mistake to have agreed, and now all you have to do is simply say NO.

[boltnrun]

Nothing safer and kinder than doing what is best for oneself.

 

So, tell him you rethought and you aren't going to do dinner after all. If he protests, just repeat that you've decided it's a bad idea.

[browneyedgirl36]

Be nice to me okay?

I am really having a hard day. I fear he would think I'm some flip flop girl and I'm not. I just really loved this man and can not believe he has come back after all these years to be removed, void of emotion and distant. I guess I said yes to 'trying' to be his friend as I genuinely do like him as a person, and of course have hopes that he will stop being so scared and regain his feelings for me. The reason I now feel like it's a mistake to have agreed, is because he knows how I feel about him and he does not feel the same and sitting in-front of him would indeed make me feel even more vulnerable.

 

What I am asking help with is, how do I say no now (after agreeing to get together) without making myself look like a fool.

 

Please don't be harsh...I'm dealing with enough already and I thought this was a safe and kind place to get advice.

Thank you.

 

Something similar happened to me years ago with an ex who wanted to be "friends for now" (whatever THAT means!) I e-mailed him saying something to the effect of, "I don't think being friends is in the cards at this point, but I wish you well" and that was that. Or so I thought (see my last paragraph!)

 

In your case, if he does contact you again to meet as "friends," just say something like, "I've had some time to think about it, and I've decided that being friends probably isn't in the cards right now. As you said, "our stars don't align," and it's better for both of us if we just leave things as they are. Take care." Keep it short and to-the-point. Resist the temptation to pour your heart out. I promise you, if you keep it brief and dignified, you'll feel a lot better in the long run.

 

And yeah, pretty narcissistic behavior on his part. The guy I wrote about above actually showed up -- or e-mailed, anyway -- nearly TEN YEARS later, wanting to see me. Ummm....no. I declined, and he continued to contact me via e-mail for nearly a year until I stopped responding to him. It took ignoring several e-mails in a row from him to get him to stop. Something tells me in another 10 years, he'll be back.

[ThatwasThen]

Be nice to me okay?

I am really having a hard day. I fear he would think I'm some flip flop girl and I'm not.

At this point you shouldn't give a flying leap off of a rolling donut what he thinks. He's proven to you that he's not worth pursuing or being nice to. So don't be. You must work on your personal boundaries to the point that you can say "no" without feeling guilty about it when saying "no" is in your-best-interests.

 

I just really loved this man and can not believe he has come back after all these years to be removed, void of emotion and distant.

Well, start believing it. By doing so, you will give yourself the closure you need to help you to get to the stage of indifference to him.

 

I guess I said yes to 'trying' to be his friend as I genuinely do like him as a person, and of course have hopes that he will stop being so scared and regain his feelings for me.

Don't be giving him excuses so that he remains a hope to you. He is not scared of anything, he's just an idiot that would make a horrible life mate due to the very essence that is him

 

The reason I now feel like it's a mistake to have agreed, is because he knows how I feel about him and he does not feel the same and sitting in-front of him would indeed make me feel even more vulnerable.

Be very proud of yourself for telling him how you feel because doing so made him show you his true lack of feeling for you. You can now move on without wondering what might be. He doesn't want anything other then friendship with you and YOU CANNOT be just a friend to someone you want more with. It would drive you nuts in no time at all... Look how he's made you a basket case just by coming back into your life (what a twit he is for even doing that)

 

What I am asking help with is, how do I say no now (after agreeing to get together) without making myself look like a fool.

You won't be making yourself look like a fool by telling him the two examples I've given you. You will be looking like a self-assured woman who doesn't settle for the crumbs of a fool that can't stand looking like a bad guy so he imposes himself in your life after three years. Quit worrying about looking like a fool. That should be the last thing you care about because what he thinks is irrelevant.

 

Please don't be harsh...I'm dealing with enough already and I thought this was a safe and kind place to get advice.

Thank you.

You aren't listening. No one is being harsh ... just straight forward. You've asked three times now how to tell him "no" and you've been told three times how to do it which will make you look like a self-assured woman who doesn't take scraps from dawgs.

[bedheaddolly]

Being called a Dweeb, is NOT Kind. Thank you very much.

[ThatwasThen]

Being called a Dweeb, is NOT Kind. Thank you very much.

 

Out of all the advice given, out of all the insight into your situation that is all you are focusing on? No wonder you had to ask three times what to tell him? Luv. Read what makes sense and disregard the rest.

 

You need to get this guy out of your life ... re-read your thread and get yourself unhinged from this man that keeps you stagnated to him when he doesn't want you the way you want him.

 

P.S. I call my hubby who I love dearly and have been with for 39 years a "dweeb" when he's being silly. Its not a dis in the least. Its a description of someone that is being unreasonable TO THEMSELVES.

[Hermes]

In your OP, BedHead, you asked:

 

What do I do?

What do i do?

What do I do? ...

 

Well, you have been told, so....what is your next move. What are YOU going to do?

[bedheaddolly]

Okay - I get it ... But I was the one (stupidly enough) who suggested that yes, okay let's try this ... I suggested going over to his place and making Dinner and Salad (Jesus) and oh my God, I feel like a fool for ever having suggested it. So you see now ? I was the one who suggested making Dinner and to say "oh, changed my mind" i feel is not enough. I want him to feel something, anything... I want him to know that he has lost me.

[Hermes]

" I want him to feel something, anything... I want him to know that he has lost me."

 

Don't do this to yourself Bedhead, please.

 

You can't make anyone FEEL anything. You can't make them.

 

Simply say you changed your mind, and that you are very busy.

 

Please, re-read this from your OP:

 

Hi response was very cold again, I like my life the way it is and don't want any major changes.

I came by because I didn't want you to hate me. I want to be your friend.

 

 

I suggested, 'let's make dinner together and just hang out'.

 

Haven't heard from him in weeks.

 

Now that he knows how I feel, I am embarrassed, because I have exposed my true feelings for him and he is not reciprocating...and has lost total interest in contacting me again.

 

Why Bedhead, are you demeaning yourself like this.

[ThatwasThen]

Okay - I get it ... But I was the one (stupidly enough) who suggested that yes, okay let's try this ... I suggested going over to his place and making Dinner and Salad (Jesus) and oh my God, I feel like a fool for ever having suggested it. So you see now ? I was the one who suggested making Dinner and to say "oh, changed my mind" i feel is not enough. I want him to feel something, anything... I want him to know that he has lost me.

Then go back and read what you tell him (you have several choices on that now) and IF he ever contacts you again (there is a good chance he will not) then you simple tell him any one of the many suggestions you've been given as to what you say and you say it without feeling embarrassed but rather a smart and confident woman that has realized that she deserves more then to be a distant friend to a narcissistic twit.

 

Be-that-strong-and-confident-woman and close the door on him.

[boltnrun]

He already knows he "lost" you. Apparently trying to regain you was not his goal.

 

So, trying to make him feel bad would be a waste of time.

 

Instead of trying to make him feel regret, how about you focus on trying to make YOU feel strong? Which would mean telling him you changed your mind and you aren't interested in dinner after all.

[bedheaddolly]

Thank you. I feel what I will do is simply not reply, do nothing.

Let it go - as he has let me go.

I feel it was very cruel to come by after so long for no substantial reason, on his part.

... guess I had wished for that moment for such a long time, that when he finally did appear, which he did, that the outcome would have been for the right reason.

[boltnrun]

What have you been doing for the past three years? I'm curious why you are still emotionally attached to this man after all this time.

 

Have you dated anyone else?

[ThatwasThen]

Thank you. I feel what I will do is simply not reply, do nothing.

Let it go - as he has let me go.

I feel it was very cruel to come by after so long for no substantial reason, on his part.

... guess I had wished for that moment for such a long time, that when he finally did appear, which he did, that the outcome would have been for the right reason.

That's where that old saying "be careful what you wish for" comes into play.

 

You'll be fine. Just don't do anything and IF he does contact you, you tell him that dinner isn't going to happen, and goodbye. If he really is a narcissist, just turning him down for friendship will screw with his ego so you can bet on that.

[Hermes]

I was going to ask the same as Bolt just asked. Surely you have not been pining for THREE years, OP?