I love you, two?

[Javabear]

He and his girlfriend had been together 3 years when we met. Over the course of a year, he and I became very close. We work together and spent lots of time planning and working late. We also started to carpool every day. We would go out for drinks or dinner after work on a weekly basis and I felt like we were crossing a line. I was falling hard for him, so I questioned him about what we were doing.

 

After weeks of him insisting that we were "just friends" he finally admitted that he had strong feelings for me too. After many more weeks of trying to figure out what to do, after a summer of trying to keep some distance, he came to me and told me that he loved me. He also told me that he loves his girlfriend and has been struggling with the idea that a polyamorous lifestyle might be what is most fulfilling for him; he wants to be with both of us.

 

Currently, things between us are on hold because his girlfriend isn't thrilled about opening up their relationship to someone else.

 

I think polyamory (in this case) is an excuse to have his cake and eat it too, but I know that if he doesn't try it, he will always wonder. Is it possible to love two people at the same time?

[Matt3939]

Well it doesn't sound like his gf has a choice you aren't going anywhere. I think you will just have to learn to love her too. It's good he wasn't married before you got into the relationship. It's illegal to have 2 wives. It is however accepted to have 2 gf's. It's all about time management I would recommend Google calander. Split up the duties best you can. It's usually easier in the beginning. If you take on more females eventually with all the children the man simply cannot provide enough. In that case things turn and the woman all have to get jobs.

[Bunney]

Why you would even waste another second on this untrustworthy, moral-lacking individual is beyond me.

He wants both the comfort and security of his long-term relationship, and the excitement of having a new, temporary side-chick to bang from time to time (which is what you would be).

 

Your self-esteem must be at an extreme low, otherwise you would not even entertain the idea of getting this close with someone who very obviously has no intention of leaving his gf, and even becoming his 'second girlfriend' in addition to the one he already has. What the actual fakk?

[ThatwasThen]

Once again opposite sex "friends" having date like activities without the primary partner being included turns into a mess for the TWO WOMEN.

 

He probably thinks he loves you both but really only loves his girlfriend who he actually knows past the clandestine meets and perpetual honeymoon period.

 

Shame on you for crossing your own personal boundaries by dating a otherwise committed man and shame on him for mistaking his lust for love.

 

Why are you afraid of commitment? You must be if you'd get with someone that couldn't commit to monogamy with you so he's safe. Yes?

[SherrySher]

I think it's possible to want two people at the same time but love? I don't think that's what he is feeling, it borders more on lust and selfishness.

Why would you be considering wanting to share a man? There are so many people in this world this makes no sense.

I suppose if he and both of you are okay with having an open relationship, to each their own, but it's not what would be considered love.

I hope you're all faithful and have been tested properly otherwise you all could be sharing much more.

[Ms Darcy]

The question isn't can someone love two people at a time. The question is - can you recognize a cheater when you see it. Crushes are normal, even in relationships. Instead of letting it past, he nurtured it and went on dates with you. Lo and behold, he wants a side chick with permission.

 

Get outta there now.

[HeartGoesOn]

Is it possible to love two people at the same time?

 

No, but it's a good sell if they're offered free benefits along with the offer.

[Wolfshook]

I think polyamory (in this case) is an excuse to have his cake and eat it too, but I know that if he doesn't try it, he will always wonder. Is it possible to love two people at the same time?

 

Good call.

but, dont think so much about him. What about you? Will you settle for being seccond to somebody for the rest of your life. Will you accept the fact that you will most probably not have "happy family" life most people want to have?

[ParisPaulette]

First off, for a polyamory relationship to work everyone and I do mean everyone has to be on board with that from the very beginning. Otherwise this is known as a cheater wanting to have their Kate and Edith too while hiding under the guise of "Oh, now I've changed my sexuality suddenly." How very convenient.

 

I have polyamory friends who would roast this guy alive if they ever had him in front of them. They hate when people pull the kind of crap he's pulling. So he's being blatantly dishonest and it's not really truly a polyamory relationship if this guy's girlfriend and you both don't like it, don't want it, and didn't agree to it BEFORE he ever started into a relationship with either of you.

 

Second, you really expect someone who would do that to his girlfriend to instead be straight up and faithful to you? Yeah, good luck with that.

 

What you describe isn't love. It's called "I want a harem." UNLESS he has agreed that both you and his girlfriend can sleep with other men, was that part of the equation?

 

Because if it isn't then it isn't really polyamory anyways. It's him using the threat of "let me sleep with whoever I like or I'll leave you." He's treating you and his girlfriend like crap and as soon as the newness wears off I predict he'll be looking to add more women to the crowd, but oh no none of you better dare go date some other guy.

 

Such hypocrisy is sickening.

[nutbrownhare]

Not just his girlfriend - but would YOU be happy with an arrangement like this? Rather than querying his feelings for you, ask yourself how YOU feel about his proposition. I'm sure it would be most fulfilling for him - but what about you? And his poor girlfriend? How he handles his affairs is his responsibility, but taking care of your own emotional welfare is yours - and it doesn't really sound as though you'd be doing yourself any favours at all. That is, unless you have a deep-seated need for a part-time relationship with someone who will completely bleed you of all your self-respect.

 

Quite apart from that, I'd question the wisdom of getting involved romantically with someone you work with that closely... get out, now, tell him you respect his relationship and let him know that your relationship is purely professional from now on. If you can't hack that - get another job.

[Matt3939]

Maybe I wasn't understanding this. So if you are in a exclusive relationship. Then you find another woman who knows you have a gf. You can start being with both sexually. Then you confess to your exclusive gf that you are having and affair and cheating. You can just claim polyamory? This should be a sticky I never hear men claiming this. I have no idea why the exclusive gf isn't gun ho in this situation.

[millaj]

Do you think that you could enjoy a relationship with him knowing he's not wanting to leave his girlfriend? Would you be able to sleep at night with yourself if you knew that because of your relationship with him that his girlfriend and him broke up? Would you secretly be wanting more? Trust me, as someone who has tried polyamory, it's no walk in the park. You may think that you can do this now, but unless you/yourself is polyamorous, it's going to cause a lot... and I mean A LOT of drama. So if that's what you want, then go for it, but if not, don't waste your time. Especially knowing that his primary girl isn't happy about it. Good luck, love.

[Javabear]

Just to clarify, nothing physical happened between us. An emotional affair, certainly (which I think is probably worse), but physical boundaries were never crossed. As it stands now, I've told him that I can't be involved so long as things stay the way that they are. I'm happy to negotiate, to have conversations, to compromise. But I am not happy to spin my wheels and go nowhere.

 

What I'm more interested in investigating is how people come to the decision to be polyamorous (i.e. does it come from situations like this where it feels like a "logical explanation" or is it not really a decision at all, but more of an innate quality?) and if such a lifestyle is sustainable.

[Wiseman2]

In that case it's good old fashioned cheating, not trendy hip polyamory

his girlfriend isn't thrilled about opening up their relationship to someone else.