Should you fight for love or walk away?

[Steph2602]

Hello, I really need advice about my break up. To give you the background, I had been with my ex for almost five years, and we had a good relationship as far as I was aware. About three and a half years in he was diagnosed with depression, and a few months later he broke up with me saying he couldn't be with me while he was struggling with depression. A few weeks later, he got in touch to say he'd made a huge mistake and he couldn't imagine a future without me - we eventually got back together and the relationship seemed better than ever. We ended up buying a house together, although the mortgage is in my name due to him being self employed. That was in March.

 

From about May this year, we started arguing more than usual, I was struggling with a few things and he came off his anti depressants so I think the combination of the two made things difficult. He was also working away a lot which was hard and I was getting frustrated because the house we'd bought needed a lot of work doing to it before we could move in and we didn't seem to be getting anywhere. We ended up having one of our biggest ever rows at the start of July. We made up (any arguments we had never lasted that long) but in the weeks following we barely saw each other because he was working away and I went on holiday. After I got back from holiday we ended up having a silly row and he ended up saying he wasn't happy and wanted to end things. He gave a lot of conflicting reasons, one that we were arguing, another that he felt the relationship has gone stale (this one confused me, our sex life was good), another that he never wants to settle down and did the whole 'it's not you its me'. I couldn't believe it as buying the house was all his idea, in fact he pushed for it. He also told me only a few months earlier he'd planned how he would propose, and that the stupidest thing he'd ever done was almost let me go.

 

To be honest, at first I thought he was ending things because he'd come off his tablets and was feeling low, and that he'd come round like last time. He hasn't, and five weeks later he became 'Facebook official' with another girl. His friends swear nothing happened until we split up, but my ex and this girls are all over social media - joint profile photos, checking themselves in on every date they go on etc. She seems to be the opposite of the type of girl he'd go for personality wise and I am just floored, it doesn't make sense. His friends and family can't believe it either.

 

The problem is I really love him and I just don't know what he's thinking. I can't get my head around that he could move on so quickly. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what happened?

 

The next bit I need help with is what to do. I haven't spoken to him since I found out about the other girl and I feel so humiliated, but at the same time I feel like he's acting completely crazy and maybe sometimes you have to fight for love, that this could be another bi product of his depression and while I know I deserve better than to be dumped seemingly out of the blue, I do also think that when you love someone you have to accept that it's not a always a fairytale. I guess what I'm saying is I don't want to let my pride get in the way of us reconciling if that's what's meant to happen. I have also been less than perfect recently too so I'm not blameless and I can see why he'd push me away, but I've been working on a lot of that stuff, seeing a therapist etc. I've read about all this no contact stuff and getting the spark back through texting and bla bla which seems a bit far fetched to me really. What do you think - is it worth trying? Am I being pathetic by wanting to?

[SherrySher]

You would be degrading yourself and devaluing your self worth by staying and by watching them on Facebook. He has chosen to be with someone else and as much as that hurts, you need to let him go. If he truly loved you like you thought he did, he wouldn't have walked away without trying to work things out nor would he have moved onto someone else so quickly.

[j.man]

We ended up having one of our biggest ever rows at the start of July. We made up (any arguments we had never lasted that long) but in the weeks following we barely saw each other because he was working away and I went on holiday. After I got back from holiday we ended up having a silly row and he ended up saying he wasn't happy and wanted to end things.

What were these about?

[Steph2602]

What were these about?

 

The first large one was about him smoking weed. At one point he was smoking weed alone daily and it seemed to be making his depression worse. I asked him to stop and he said he would. The argument was because I thought he had started again and hadn't told me. He was (rightly) angry that I was doubting him.

 

The second one was on a similar theme, me not trusting him. I questioned him on his whereabouts as he said he'd been working but I thought he'd just wanted to go on a night out. In the past two months or so I'd started to get anxiety and became distrusting, stemming from a time he'd lied to me in the past. I know I'm at fault here and am working on it.

 

Other smaller ones were just about the usual trivial things, eg money, me feeling like he didn't put me first, or just occasionally snapping at each other. These weren't very frequent, I would say the normal amount people argue in a relationship and they never seemed to have damaging consequences. We'd always make up the next morning.

[Steph2602]

You would be degrading yourself and devaluing your self worth by staying and by watching them on Facebook. He has chosen to be with someone else and as much as that hurts, you need to let him go. If he truly loved you like you thought he did, he wouldn't have walked away without trying to work things out nor would he have moved onto someone else so quickly.

 

I see what you're saying, and it's definitely something I've thought myself, particularly the part about if he loved me he wouldn't have walked away. I guess the other perspective I'm considering is that his depression has played a role, during the break up he said he was depressed again, had been feeling 'numb'. And I guess I've been hoping the other girl is a rebound. I haven't been staying in and watching them on Facebook, I've removed him from all social media, but we have lots of mutual friends so some stuff has got back to me. But yeah, I definitely take your point.

[Andrina]

Past behavior predicts future behavior. That's why when you took him back the first time, he repeated the behavior by dumping you again. He runs away from problems instead of caring enough to pull out all of the stops to make things right. He has decided not to treat his depression by going off pills. Living with someone who refuses to treat his depression is subjecting yourself to a life of misery. I know. I was once married to someone who was wonderful when being treated and miserable to be around when he was not.

 

Certainly, you can fight for a relationship while two people are still engaged with each other, by trying couples counseling and reading books on relationships and applying their advice.

 

The difference here is that he's already left, and that he's a horrible risk for your heart. He uses narcotics. He dumps you quite easily, over and over. He jumps to another woman quite easily, and so clearly hasn't left himself open for reconciliation with you.

 

With time and distance away from Mr. Wrong, I predict you will shake your head at how you once considered wanting this man back. Take care.

[shessofly]

He has broken with you twice now. There is little security in a relationship like that I would think. Ask your friends to stop sharing information about him. I think "fighting" for a relationship involves two people working to overcome adversity. This guy has checked out. Whether due to depression or something else at this point it is out of your control. Don't count on the new relationship failing, don't follow its progress, etc. My ex and his "rebound" have been together since we broke (actually since before!). They have a kid and everything. You just never know so best to give it zero attention.

[Ksol9]

Sorry you're going through this.

 

How long has it been since you last spoke?

 

You are a 100% right that love isn't always a fairytale. Very rarely do you hear about a seamless relationship. Most people will tell you, people who have been in long lasting relationships, that it takes real work and there were many obstacles. I heard all kinds of struggles. The best thing you can do is take a step back. The nc thing really works. Let all the bad times minimize on their own. Let him sort himself out. While people do eventually grow apart, I find it hard to believe his love has faded so soon. The excitement of this relationship will eventually fade and you will be able to see if it is just a rebound. Always remember, things don't always seem like what they are on Facebook. Give yourself time..I know you hear this left and right, but time really does have its way of sorting things out.

[ParisPaulette]

When it becomes toxic and one of you becomes a doormat while the other one calls all the shots it's not "fighting" for anything. It's called agreeing to be demoted and downgraded and accepting crumbs just to say you have someone, anyone really, rather than having the courage to fully break it off and walk away.

 

Personally if you have to "fight" for a relationship, something is wrong. You're either together and working things out or you aren't. You can fight something together like hardships, illness, temporarily losing feelings that have be regenerated. But in those situations both parties are willing to do the work and keep things going.

 

That's not what you describe here. I see a guy playing up his "depression" as an excuse to simply be a cheating jerk who dumps you whenever he thinks better is on the horizon. Like my last ex, who only tried the whole "I'm depressed" thing on me once and got thoroughly roundly smacked verbally about it, because a) depression is treatable and b) depression doesn't cause people to mistreat other people.

 

Stop giving him a pass on how he treats you. You're his backup girl whenever he can't get the next one he sets his sights on. You gave him a second chance, good for you, but he blew it and did the exact same thing. And that means he will do it again and again and again, just as many times as you take him back since you have now shown him what he wants alone is what matters.

 

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but I was there for six years, total waste of my time, I suggest you stop wasting time with him. You aren't getting younger and there are far better guys out there who don't do that crap. Plus I have depression and I never use it as an excuse to mistreat anyone in my life, because that would just be an excuse.

 

A really poor one at that considering it is treatable, I can do things about it, and it makes about as much sense as "I broke my foot, so I get to treat people like crap," does. Don't buy it, don't buy him, block and delete and do the hard work of building a happy life for yourself not depending on him or anyone but you for your happiness. And then when you meet a good one you can share that life with them, but not compromise your own value in doing so.

[Steph2602]

Sorry you're going through this.

 

How long has it been since you last spoke?

 

 

Just over two weeks. As soon as I found out about the other girl I went NC. But within that two weeks they became Facebook official so I've lost faith in the whole NC thing a bit. We haven't yet been split up six weeks.

[Ksol9]

Don't try to contact him right now. You will hurt yourself. Right now he is in this relationship and you need to let him go for now. If you continue to interfere, he will grow resentment for you and it may even make their relationship stronger. Let him realize what mess he has made all on his own. This is how us humans are. We don't know what we have until it's gone and the grass isn't always greener.

[Steph2602]

Thank you for all your replies so far. You all talk a lot of sense and it's good to get varying perspectives.

[Steph2602]

Don't try to contact him right now. You will hurt yourself. Right now he is in this relationship and you need to let him go for now. If you continue to interfere, he will grow resentment for you and it may even make their relationship stronger. Let him realize what mess he has made all on his own. This is how us humans are. We don't know what we have until it's gone and the grass isn't always greener.

 

Thank you for this. Are you speaking from experience?

[Ksol9]

Thank you for this. Are you speaking from experience?

 

I am speaking from experience based on my own break up and reconciliation. During our first breakup, I learned the importance of letting him go without my interference. We are all wired differently and some people need time to learn things on their own time. Something like tough love. There wasn't anyone else when we broke up, but no contact can work wonders for you both regardless. We are now going through another break up and I have been NC since excluding a couple text messages regarding his children.

 

During the first breakup, I realized by trying to talk to him, it pushed him away further. The minute I let go, it took him about 30 days, but he came back all on his own. He realized all his mistakes on his own. I, too, needed the time alone to work on myself. If you've already communicated your feelings to him, then there is no reason to continue to remind him. Leave him with that and let all the cards fall where they may.

[Steph2602]

I am speaking from experience based on my own break up and reconciliation. During our first breakup, I learned the importance of letting him go without my interference. We are all wired differently and some people need time to learn things on their own time. Something like tough love. There wasn't anyone else when we broke up, but no contact can work wonders for you both regardless. We are now going through another break up and I have been NC since excluding a couple text messages regarding his children.

 

During the first breakup, I realized by trying to talk to him, it pushed him away further. The minute I let go, it took him about 30 days, but he came back all on his own. He realized all his mistakes on his own. I, too, needed the time alone to work on myself. If you've already communicated your feelings to him, then there is no reason to continue to remind him. Leave him with that and let all the cards fall where they may.

 

Thanks. I made mistakes early on, begged him to reconsider and then we had a huge row when I initially found out about the other girl. Then I went NC. Another issue I have is that he owes me money but I can't ask for it back without breaking NC. Having a bad day today cos I accidentally stumbled across some stuff on social media I didn't want to see. I just don't understand why he's being so public with her, he's usually quite a private person. It feels like he's proud of her but wasn't of me even though I don't understand how that can be true.

[Ksol9]

Sorry you're feeling down. Social media has done a number on me quite a few times also. Many will tell you don't look, but I'm more realistic than that. It's easier said than done. My advice is some that has been given to me...whilr they may look happy, you truly don't know what is really going on between them or how solid of a relationship they have. You also have to take into account it's a new relationship...everything is rose colored. They know you are viewing their pages so they are definitely trying to make a statement for anyone trying to interfere. They could just be happy and want to broadcast. I'm not saying they are doing this just because of you, but partly the reason. I'm sure there are a number of reasons. No one really knows what is going on. That is why I try to take anything I see on social media with a grain of salt.

 

The first time we broke up, I knew nothing about NC. I did a lot of the same things you said you did at first. Within the first 3 weeks, I sent a couple text messages letting him know that I loved him and that I didn't want this to be happening. I don't even like talking about it...that was so lame of me. He wasn't with anyone else, but had made up his mind that he wanted to leave. As soon as I stopped contacting him, he started posting things on Facebook that were directed to me. He would post photos of flowers he sent me early in the relationship, songs, quotes. We weren't friends and I had deactivated my account. He still knew I was looking. He even posted a few status updates that were meant to get under my skin...things about dating, which were all made up. He confirmed this when we got back together. He blantently told me he was doing those things because he knew I was looking. When he finally realized I wasn't going to contact him and was walking the other way, he came after me. It took him about 30 days after I last contacted him. Pure hell I went through..pure hell. This time, radio silence...same hell. Few posts, but nothing directed at me. My point being, he knows you are still in love with him and want him back. You have to let him go. You will be in pain behind the scenes and will go through a lot of emotions. Take it one step at a time. I know the relationship he's in is going to make it a lot worse. If you strong enough don't look at all, but if you must, tell yourself that this is just something that had to happen. Whether you get back together or not in the future, this had to happen in order for you both to learn something. You'll figure out what it is you had to learn as time goes by.

 

Hang in there.