Not sure what to think!

[Frangipani]

This is a weird question. I am no stranger to long term relationships and dating but quite honestly…I am stumped at the moment! I am in my 40s and this a new situation to me!

 

Met a guy online after being on a dating site for ages with no luck. He contacted me and we have a lot in common, similar values and sense of humour etc. We chatted for a week or so online and had a great vibe. He has been divorced a long time...so no exes in the picture either. Lots of fun. Before we met though, he told me that he was going to take down his profile and asked me if I thought at was ok. I told him that it was up to him, but that I would not be doing the same unless we ended up being a couple in the future. Still, I felt it was a little premature considering we had not met.

 

So we meet, have a great time and the chemistry is amazing. Make a date for the next day and hug goodbye. Meet up the next night – again – a great time. Later on we sat in the car and chatted and he held my hand and kissed me (he initiated this). Was unforced and very natural and I felt great after. When I got home, I noticed he had removed his profile from the dating site also. So, you can see what impression i was given by this - that he was very keen (or trying to 'lock me down' early')

 

He lets me know the next day via text that he wants to catch up during the week. He also tells me that there is ‘no rush’ for intimacy. I find this odd…as I never asked for it?! I merely mentioned in flirty convo that the ‘kiss was lovely.’ We do catch up. Chatty and fun and, because we have already held hands and kissed, I assume it is ok for me to touch his hand. I try and it’s weird so I now I feel awkward as there is no real reciprocation. He initiates another date for the weekend before he leaves. At the end of the night he hugs me and gives me a quick peck on the lips, like a friend. I lean in to kiss him properly and he says, “I just want to slow down.” I say, ‘Umm…but you kissed me passionately first on the weekend, what am I rushing here? It’s just a kiss.” he just says again that he wants to go slow.

 

He leaves and I am left feeling totally flat. Like he put water on a fire that he helped initiate. *BTW, before I go on I TOTALLY go by the ‘he’s not that into you’ scenarios and have walked away from many a situation before where I wasn't feeling a connection or where I could tell the guy wasn’t interested – so am aware of that and know when to forget it. So we have our date on the weekend. Once again, no physical contact from him AT all. Nothing the whole time. He then tells me that he usually doesn’t get ‘intimate’ with someone for up to 4 months, so he can get to know them. Hugs me goodbye, like a friend and 1 second lip peck kiss.

 

Now, I’m fine waiting a month or two sex-wise but 4 months with no intimacy? Not just sex but anything it seems. No passionate kissing or affection no hand holding either. Many of you will say ‘he’s being a gentleman but please re-read what I said – no intimacy at all. So basically I feel like I will be a ‘buddy’ where I am supposed to take my profile down too and stop dating while he offers me nothing but platonic friendship? To me that means you can’t get close, you can’t see if you are physically compatible either. He also only wants to catch up maybe once a week and told me that the last person he dated, they only had sex once in 8 months? I told him there and then that that was something I could not do as sex in a relationship is important to me for closeness. He didn't really explain why that scenario had happened, but it felt like a red flag to me.

 

What am I supposed to think about all this? A guy who made me feel very special indeed over a few weeks now has given me his ‘dating’ specs, none of which were mentioned in his profile at all or on our few 3 dates and over 3 weeks of chatting online. Why kiss and get all touchy feeling in normal way e.g. after a few dates – (that's what I’ve been used to my whole life and so has anyone else I have told about this) and then give me a list of what he now has to do? He clearly wants to continue seeing he is contacts me every day and wants to go out on dates. I also find it very controlling that I HAVE to deal with his pace and that I have no say if I want to hang around. Very confusing as he is a great guy...but yeah. If this was a simple case of 'he's not that into you' I would not have posted here. For the record, I'm not religious and nor is he.

 

Anyway…I am pretty much close to deciding that this does not fit in with what I need or want in a relationship. But I just wanted to see what other people thought. It’s a scenario I have never come across before. Not so much the waiting to have sex for a while – but the no affection at all after setting precedent as 'being an affectionate person' and nothing at all after and expected in the future for a long period of time! I am an affectionate person and this means I cannot be who I am in this scenario. So weird! Just tell people this stuff up front before you have a passionate kissing session with them or that you expect to wait ip to 6 months before you get sexually intimate.

[SherrySher]

Yes, this is weird and you're right, who is he to stir the fire and then turn it out and tell you how it's going to be?? Do your feelings not matter or your wants or needs?

I believe in taking things slow, truthfully, but no kissing passionately in 4 months after he already initiated, seems like a game.

 

In a relationship or even dating, decisions are usually based on what works for BOTH people and have worked out together. This man is basically telling you how it's going to be and is dictating to you...how is that fair? And of course you don't want to be begging for attention or affection either...me personally, I would take a pass on this one.

Not only are you being told how it's going to be, but it's somewhat demeaning as well seeing as your opinion was not taken into account.

[Frangipani]

Well, I am not emotionally attached at this point, so I can pretty much walk away easily. Just seems such a shame as in every other way we are great match and I haven't met anyone as compatible in years...but I'm also not desperate enough to be with someone who is not on the same wavelength regarding affection etc. Rather be on my own that have what I can and can't do physically dictated to me.

 

I don't know if there would be absolutely no physical contact for a 4 months period, maybe it would not happen that way and he's just giving me an 'idea' of what he usually does, but I have never been in a dating scenario in my life where a man who ended up being a boyfriend (or even a more casual thing) did not want to kiss and become affectionate within 2 or 3 dates. Same for me, if I don't, I am not into them and it fades out. And the longest I've ever waited to become sexual with a guy is probably a month and a half and that was hard enough and is what 'I' call going slow. Even the my religious friends were still all over one another physically. They just didn't have full-blown sex!

[SherrySher]

Yes, and again you're right. Going slow and building up a deeper connection is important but his pace might be way too slow for many. It does have it's place though as you don't want to crash and burn from the physical side being too quick, on the other hand, you do need a certain amount of intimacy and affection for things to grow.

Have you tried discussing this with him and letting him know that his pace might be a bit too slow and that you would be more comfortable with it not being so strict?

Uh..horrible that is has to come to that kind of discussion this early on, which is why I was saying it might be better to take a pass...either it flows or it doesn't.

 

Still, I am confused as much as you are on why he kissed you like he did and the backed off and basically gave you the rules on how it will now go.

By doing that, he will make things awkward and will place a barrier in between you now (which I am sure you've felt) and no way should it feel stunted and awkward this early on. I would feel frustrated as you are.

[greta96]

It is odd, indeed. I can understand and get behind waiting for sex until an emotional connection is in place first, but no physical affection what so ever? That's strange. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, cuddling, etc, that's what brings on emotional closeness and intimacy, that's how 2 people form a bond. And clearly he is capable of offering those things, so the fact that he only gave you a short preview of the potential, only to withdraw it just like that until he decides to give it back, is beyond strange. He may have some deep rooted issues that are not apparent yet, and although he may appear like a great guy on the paper, the reality may be completely different.

 

You can do 2 things here: 1. you end this and keep searching 2. you have a serious conversation with him, where you put your own "rules" on the table. He has stated his expectations, now you state yours and let him know that you do not agree with no physical affection of any kind for 4 months (make sure he understands this is not about sex), that kissing and all those little things are mandatory for you to feel close to someone and develop a connection with them, and see if he can meet you halfway. If not, back to #1.

[Sportster2005]

His behavior seems unconventional. But to him it is normal. He behaves the way he does for the same reasons we do. It's very complex and not easily explained. The good news is, it's irrelevant. You're not on the same page intimacy wise and sex wise. Looks like a no-brainer decision from here.

 

Personally I would have bailed out long ago. Life is too short to waste on duds. Frustrating, but ultimately better for us.

[Sportster2005]

It is odd, indeed. I can understand and get behind waiting for sex until an emotional connection is in place first, but no physical affection what so ever? That's strange. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, cuddling, etc, that's what brings on emotional closeness and intimacy, that's how 2 people form a bond. And clearly he is capable of offering those things, so the fact that he only gave you a short preview of the potential, only to withdraw it just like that until he decides to give it back, is beyond strange.

 

I think it's a bit cruel also. Not sure if it's intentional or not??

[katrina1980]

It is odd, indeed. I can understand and get behind waiting for sex until an emotional connection is in place first, but no physical affection what so ever? That's strange. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, cuddling, etc, that's what brings on emotional closeness and intimacy, that's how 2 people form a bond. And clearly he is capable of offering those things, so the fact that he only gave you a short preview of the potential, only to withdraw it just like that until he decides to give it back, is beyond strange. He may have some deep rooted issues that are not apparent yet, and although he may appear like a great guy on the paper, the reality may be completely different.

 

You can do 2 things here: 1. you end this and keep searching 2. you have a serious conversation with him, where you put your own "rules" on the table. He has stated his expectations, now you state yours and let him know that you do not agree with no physical affection of any kind for 4 months (make sure he understands this is not about sex), that kissing and all those little things are mandatory for you to feel close to someone and develop a connection with them, and see if he can meet you halfway. If not, back to #1.

 

I would just go with no. 1... next.

 

Talking to him about your needs at this point is a futile waste of energy, you should not have to try to convince a man to be affectionate with you, what's the point?

 

A man should want to be affectionate with you, all on his own, no pushing, prodding or pleading (which is essentially what you would be doing)..... is gonna make a bit of difference.

 

If this were a LTR, my advice would be different, but you just started dating him, this is the time when you evaluate whether he is right for you... or not.

 

Clearly, he is not, next.

 

And for the record, I think what he is doing is a subtle attempt at controlling the relationship and ultimately you.

 

Best to just call it a day with this one.

 

That is what I would do anyway.

 

Your call of course.... best of luck with whatever you decide.