My sister doesn't like me

[iamnotarobot]

Hi, I'm new here and wanted to post something that's really weighing heavily on me. I don't even know what anyone can tell me in the way of advice because I feel like there's nothing to be done, but I thought it might be comforting just to get this out. It will be long so thank you in advance if you read all this.

 

I have a half-sister, 9 yrs younger than me. We were raised by our mom and her dad (my dad pretended I didn't exist growing up).

 

I've been through a lot more in my life than my sister has, and maybe she just doesn't "get" me as a result. We're also polar opposites - she's very traditional and conventional and I'm...not. She's successful and married; I'm still single at 33 and a junior in college. She's outgoing; I'm very shy. She's also judgmental towards me and has kind of put me down for the way I dress, the way I talk, and other things. She once made a rude comment behind my back about my shyness to a guy we both barely know, and I'm sure there's much more she's said behind my back that I'll never know about.

 

She mostly contacts me when she needs something, although she does "check" on me sometimes which is nice I guess. But she doesn't want to spend time with me. So many times she has done things with friends of hers and could have invited me, knowing that I don't have anything going on and don't have friends to hang out with.

 

As one example of many, last New Years Eve she had a small party with her girlfriends only (her husband was out of town). I lived 2 hrs away at the time but could have visited for the weekend. But no, instead I sat home alone like I do every New Years. And she knows this.

 

It's very difficult socially being a single woman in my 30's. I feel like an outcast among women my own age because of this, but although I'm not outgoing, I'm nice and polite and get along with most anyone. Yet still, I think my sister is embarrassed of me.

 

A few weeks ago I moved to the town where she lives, and she has only tried to hang out with me once - the first weekend that I got here. She knows I know no one in this town besides her but doesn't care that I'm alone and isolated all the time.

 

Despite our differences, I wish I had a closer relationship with my sister. I've done nothing to her to make her avoid me the way she does. And I see other women who are close to their sisters, even with age gaps, and it just hurts.

[nutbrownhare]

Are you sure, really sure that this is about your sister and not your Dad...? Many people, including myself, do not get on with siblings - but this is the sentence in your post which really stands out for me:

 

(my dad pretended I didn't exist growing up)

 

This would have had a devastating effect on your self esteem, your ability to trust other people and generally form relationships. As regards your 'sister', it can be useful to remember that if someone is critical of just about everything about you - they're jealous of you. Did she regard you and your mother as an intrusion into her life with her Dad, maybe, and resent you for it?

 

Also, there are plenty of single women in their 30's, or come to that... 40's, 50's and beyond. However, it seems that you have generally had a problem forming relationships, and with feeling like an outcast, and until this primary issue is addressed it will be difficult for you to feel differently.

 

There's nothing you can do about your sister. I have a sister who will give Christmas gifts to everyone in the family apart from me, hold parties where I'm the only family member not invited - nor do I get invited to occasions like weddings, christenings etc. It used to bother me - a long time ago - but I reflected that this was a statement of who SHE is, not who I am, and actually I have a strong enough support network for her to be an irrelevance.

 

I nevertheless look at sisters who are really close friends, as well as being siblings, and feel awe and wonder! Just because you share similar DNA does not automatically mean you have a relationship.

 

From your post, though, another thing that stands out is the lack of close and meaningful relationships - and your sister is a glaring example of that. Have you ever had counselling to repair the trauma of your younger life? If you had a proper self-love and self-regard, it would be easier to relate to others and you'd have a much richer life as a result.

 

(((HUGS)))

[n83]

I think the problem really isn't your sister. She's not obligated to invite you when she's around her own friends, especially when she knows that you're so shy and she'll probably have to babysit you the whole time. I'm not trying to be mean about this, but it may be time to explore why you're so shy and socially isolated, rather than focusing on why she doesn't include you. It sounds like you don't have any friends of your own. Do you have any hobbies? Things that you enjoy doing? It's time to get out and start meeting new people and forming a life in your city. Try the Meetup website, a local church or something like that. Those are great ways to meet new people, and I'm sure a lot of people struggle with socializing the way you do (I do too so I understand). But you do have to push yourself. If your sister sees that you are fun and engaging, she may come around. In the meantime, you have some work to do and that has nothing to do with her.

[iamnotarobot]

and she'll probably have to babysit you the whole time. I'm not trying to be mean about this

 

Thanks for trying to help, but this was a bit insulting. I'm not that bad - I don't and have never required babysitting. Maybe if you have to come out and say you're not trying to be mean, it's an indication that you're being too harsh. Kind of like when people preface a rude comment with "no offense but..."