Am I wrong for being mad at my friend? (He condones racism)

[xsparklex]

So I have one friend who is a black guy and he is really into learning about the world an anthropology. I am a mexican girl and I also am really into empowerment of minorities and women. He is a little more lax I suppose... so I went to his place to hang out and have a few drinks. He called his roommates out to have a drink with us too. They are a white couple. Anyways they had just been served with an eviction notice for failing to keep up with rent and also for smoking weed in their room. The landlord is a mexican guy. Anyhow they came out to have a drink with us and they were pissed off... they were bashing the landlord and they end up referring to him as a "beaner" and "" right in front of me! I guess they didn't realize I was mexican myself and I just kind of was in shock and kept quiet. Anyways I told my friend I wanted to go and once we left, I told him "Why would you let your roomies say something like that!?!And why are these people your roomies?! They're racists!" He began to tell me that they were not really racist, they were just "kids" (they are both 19). Anyways it made me really uncomfortable to the point I told him "Okay fine, guess you are not much of a fighter." He took this as a huge insult and said "WHAT ARE YOU CALLING ME A " and I told him "If the shoe fits....". I tried to put my hand on his shoulder to apologize and he swatted my hand HARD out of the way, got up saying "SHUT THE UP" and left. He came back, we hugged it out and just decided to drop the whole thing but deep down I had really lost respect for my friend. Why was he so quick to slap MY hand and stand up to me (he has called me a in the past on 2 seperate occasions) but not to the "kids"? Keep in mind I'm only 2 years older than those "kids"! Seeing this side of him also made me reevaluate all our old conversations and he definitely has some self-hatred in him. I don't plan on talking with him anymore...am I justified here??

[j.man]

Well... first off, Mexican isn't a race. I'm Hispanic but I'm white, just as many Mexicans are white. But I do get your point with the bigotry.

 

I do think your friend let you down, but you went wrong when you politicized it rather than making it about the sheer fact they were talking **** about a demographic you're personally a part of. It'd be one thing if you were all mutual friends and you'd have a much better leg to stand on standing up for yourself, but these were ultimately his roommates. I'm not sure I'd attack him for choosing them as roommates because oftentimes we can't pick and choose when it comes to our livelihood being on the line.

 

So yeah. You had a point, but it was misdirected. Had you made it about you being hurt rather than him not stepping up as a SJW, then I think the whole situation would have been better resolved.

 

ETA: This is coming from someone who could count on one hand the number of years I've lived in a white-majority area. I'm used to black people, white people, and everyone in between using derogatory terms toward other races when complaining about someone. I'm kinda desensitized and care a whole lot more about what people do than what they say, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

[itsallgrand]

I do think you were wrong to personally attack your friend over this. I won't elaborate unless you want me to. I think it's a bit of cutting off your nose to spite your face to be willing to throw away his friendship over this one incident.

And I think you are misdirecting where the hurt and anger are coming from. But hey, that's just my take. I don't expect friends to necessarily make every judgement call about how to handle a situation the same way I would. Which you didn't even - you chose to be silent yourself.

[xsparklex]

Thanks so much for the input guys. Actually if this incident had come out of the blue, of course I would never hold it against him! But 95% of our conversations are about eradicating racism and equality for people of color... hell we met in an online chatroom for that type of thing about 5 years ago! He also tried to play the "hey you should have stood up for YOURself" line.. I know I should have but a) I was in complete shock and B) I did not want to be that friend that goes over to meet his roomies for the first time and makes a scene. To be honest with yall I think he has something against non-white people himself even though he is a black guy. He has made several questionable remarks in jest that imply it.. this was just the straw that breaks the camel's back.

 

Also all his friends are these type of lower-class white people (welfare). I'm his only minority friend...

[SherrySher]

You did have a point. If he is wanting fairness for minorities it would have been good of him to ask his friends to please be respectful in your presence. But for whatever reason he did not. It's difficult to say why, perhaps he didn't want to cause any waves and did not want to start a fight.

Either way, having a difference in opinion with a friend is not always a deal breaker, however, it depends on how strongly you feel about it. You can either accept your friends drawbacks and flaws, or you can't.