Don't Know What To Do

[hopelost2]

Hi all,

 

Yesterday, my girlfriend and I broke up after 7 1/2 years. The cause was essentially too much fighting which stemmed from something which happened about 2 years into our relationship involving another guy. Just something that I could not forget and caused me to have animosity towards her from time to time. This caused me to really have trust issues with her. Over the course of the next 5 1/2 years, this topic has caused so much conflict between us, and subsequently we would just make up and move on again.

 

However, yesterday after another fight (has been going on for a few days now), was a different story. Where we are now is that we've broken up, I think for good, because I can't see the logic in what she stated she needs. Stated that she can't live together anymore and wants to move out. Mind you, we've been living together for 5 1/2 years now. She says that the only way she can see our relationship issues possibly getting resolved is if we live separately and go to counseling. After living together for so long, it's hard for me to see this as a step forward towards resolution. I essentially told her that I don't agree with this solution. Rather, I suggested that we continue to live together and work this out, including counseling. But she is set on moving out thinks her idea is the only way for this to possibly work.

 

With no guarantee that things would even work after counseling and living apart, what's the use? Should I accept what she is suggesting? My mind is a bit scattered right now, so apologies if this seems a little choppy. Just wanted to post this asap to maybe gain some clarity. Thank you for reading.

[jennydanielle7]

As much as I want to agree with you trying to work things out with her; the damage has been done a long time ago. Counseling helps, but a large portion of determination, commitment, and respect is vital for a relationship to work during some counseling work.

 

I find it a bit weird that your girlfriend wants to move out. Coming from a woman's perspective, she either wants to have that sense of freedom in her newly single life, or the fighting has just become too frequent for her to handle, thus making her want to move out. Either way, I honestly don't know. I personally don't believe that moving out would solve the situation, it would rather make it worse. That's just me though.

 

For one, trust is a major, or actually, THE major anecdote for a good, healthy relationship; which unfortunately you don't have with her. That is bound to cause long-term issues in the relationship. Counseling can only do so much. It just really depends on how both parties really want to fix the relationship.

 

To conclude this; you either need to put your full trust in her if you both proceed with counseling. No animosity, lingering suspicion, ziltch-nada. If it's happened in the past, then you leave it in the past. Otherwise, you will continue to hold resentments and grudges towards her, and eventually it will be to the point where the relationship hits a dead end.

 

Orrrrr, you just end it the way things are now. You live your own life, heal your broken heart, and start new. You can find that special someone who you can have a fresh start with, and she will be loyal and honest from the start. You can begin with a clean slate with no looking over your shoulder.

 

I was in the exact situation as you five months ago, and I chose the second latter. It has been a tough road, but it has gotten me to the point where I know myself better, and it has also lead to me to a journey of self-love and peace that I should've took years ago.

 

Both choices are hard and it will take great dedication and effort from your part, but it really all depends on you. You decide if the relationship is worth it or not anymore.

 

Lots of luck.

[ATTS20]

Here is the question I have. You've been together for 7.5 years! Why have you've not proposed to her in this time?.. If you loved her, you'd marry her. You don't. Instead you've been needy and a cling on because you didn't have the spine to breakup with her for good when she left for another man.

 

So my friend, consider this tough love, but you did this because you wanted to avoid reality. The reality was, you've been a weak man in this relationship and your passive aggressive feelings when she walked out on you to the arms of another man, did nothing but fool yourself over the next 5 years of your relationship.

 

Rather than continue to suck the life out of her and yourself, admit that you were wrong, that you should have walked away a long time ago, then take some time to really appreciate yourself. Go get tough, learn what it is exactly you want. Get into the best relationship of your life, one where you won't be *&(*J ing around for 7.5 years and actually want to marry the girl.

 

Thats what you do, you sack up. Give her a huge kiss, tell her you love her dearly and will miss her. But ultimately my friend, this is one is on you!

 

Best of luck.

[hopelost2]

Thank you for your input, jennydanielle7. And I'm sorry you had to go through a similar situation. At this point, given the options at hand, I'm leaning towards ending things the way they are now. It's difficult to comprehend that living apart would have any benefit other than for her. I think it's weird also, and can't quite pin point her exact reasoning for it. I'm not sure either of us really has much left to make it through a successful course of counseling.

 

Within the last 24 hours, I've indicated to her that I can't see this working. Initially, I had thought that she agreed that we should just go our separate ways (told her she can move out as soon as wants per her wishes). BUT shortly after this conversation, she sends me a text saying, "What if we miss each other too much?". How am I suppose to take that? She also said that I don't care enough because I don't want to do her suggested option. She also texts things like, "I hate this", " I hate not sleeping", etc. This confuses me.

[hopelost2]

Here is the question I have. You've been together for 7.5 years! Why have you've not proposed to her in this time?.. If you loved her, you'd marry her. You don't. Instead you've been needy and a cling on because you didn't have the spine to breakup with her for good when she left for another man.

 

So my friend, consider this tough love, but you did this because you wanted to avoid reality. The reality was, you've been a weak man in this relationship and your passive aggressive feelings when she walked out on you to the arms of another man, did nothing but fool yourself over the next 5 years of your relationship.

 

Rather than continue to suck the life out of her and yourself, admit that you were wrong, that you should have walked away a long time ago, then take some time to really appreciate yourself. Go get tough, learn what it is exactly you want. Get into the best relationship of your life, one where you won't be *&(*J ing around for 7.5 years and actually want to marry the girl.

 

Thats what you do, you sack up. Give her a huge kiss, tell her you love her dearly and will miss her. But ultimately my friend, this is one is on you!

 

Best of luck.

 

ATTS20, I have not proposed to her because of what happened from before. And I also came out of a bad divorce before my relationship with her, so I was just trying to be careful to make sure I didn't end up in a marriage which resulted in divorce again. When she left the first time, I was a wreck, but eventually accepted it. She was the one that initiated all contact again after a few months. Perhaps you're right in that I was merely fooling myself over the next 5 years, but I really do love her. I've already indicated to her, as difficult as it was, that going our separate ways would be best.

[hopelost2]

Update: Just received at text from her saying, "This can work if you let it and see it.".

 

This is making the decision to go our separate ways very difficult.

[SeptemberSylv]

It seems you were together 5 1/2 years AFTER she cheated so maybe your relationship has more hope than you think. If you really love someone, shouldn't you go for it?

 

Then again what's the point of a relationship where there is trust issues / fighting. Why did you saty for 5.5 years do you really love her a lot? If you say your hearts feelings to her the maybe she will get close to you again.

 

 

You didn't mention if she appollogised for hurting you and how the two of you moved on from that

[ATTS20]

Update: Just received at text from her saying, "This can work if you let it and see it.".

 

This is making the decision to go our separate ways very difficult.

 

This can't work unfortunately, because you'll resent her. The reason you'll resent her is because you'll face the pressure of marrying her and denying your true insecurity. In the back of your mind you'll always have that nagging insecurity scratching at you, that she left you for another dude once. So when things get tough (because now you're married) your spicy senses will be double whack.

 

Here is the truth. You love her, I know this, you know this, she knows this. But love is not the issue here. Trust was destroyed a long time ago and while you've done an admiral job of building a beautiful house, the foundation it's built on is weak at best and routinely had demonstrated being tested for fracture over a 5.5 year period.

 

I don't see you getting over the fear of marrying this woman. But lets say you do, what happens to your psyche if it doesn't workout? What happens if the worst happens and you wind up in divorce court with her?

 

Alternatively, what happens if things go smooth sailing from here on out? Will you really be able to completely forgive her for her misgivings? Will you be able to completely forget? IF you truly believe in your core that you can because those are the principals and values you hold dear, then make a contract with yourself, that under no condition of any sorts, will you EVER bring up the past in any way shape size or form to effect your future regarding any problem.

 

If you can do that, then congrats. Don't waste any more time and get the woman a ring, marry her and end this convenient companionship.

[hopelost2]

Update: It was yet another bad night with very little sleep, and string of text messages from her in the middle of the night. She still plans to move out, but saying only five minutes away. She's insisting that I try this, but I'm just too afraid to go through more heartache at the end.

 

SeptemberSylv - I really do love her, and I've already expressed my feelings. She still wants to move out and try her solution. She did apologize about hurting me, but it has proven very difficult to fully trust her again.

 

ATTS20 - Valid points. I do carry a lot of resentment towards her still, and I just don't know if counseling can fix that.

 

I hate this! I hate this feeling. Barely sleeping, then waking up in a panic.

[SherrySher]

I personally couldn't do it...it is essentially moving backwards. I could understand time apart if needed but moving out completely seems more like giving up and moving in the wrong direction.

[hopelost2]

I personally couldn't do it...it is essentially moving backwards. I could understand time apart if needed but moving out completely seems more like giving up and moving in the wrong direction.

 

My thoughts exactly, and this is what I tried to convey to her. She, however, thinks that this is what we need even though it's not something that she wants to do. I wish I had enough energy to type out all of the text message exchanges we've had since Friday.

 

Another twist to this story is that we recently got a dog together also. She was the one very insistent about getting this dog and I finally went along with it. Of course now, given the situation, I told her I would no longer want to be a part of the dog's life should she move out and we split up. This made her very upset and said, she can't understand why I just wont try this with her.

 

I'm still so confused. One moment I want to tell her, okay fine I'll try this with you. And then the very next moment, I ask myself why I should subject myself to a possibility of more emotional hurt.

[hopelost2]

I should also add that in her own words she's not packing everything completely, "just some stuff".

[SherrySher]

I think you should talk to her and find out exactly what her reasoning is, because even I as I woman do not understand where she is coming from.

How does she think that moving out completely will be a good thing? Does she think she can move out, somehow heal and then move in again one day?

 

A part of me is wondering if this is just a situation where she is slowly trying to tear the bandage off and instead of breaking up with you completely, she will go at it slowly and once she has the freedom of her own place, will spend less and less time with you.

 

I can understand completely why you would not want to be involved with a dog, that as well makes no sense as it would be her dog in her new apartment and no doubt will be painful seeing as it's a reminder how you won't be sharing the dog in your own place together.

 

I think you need to make a decision on what will be acceptable for you. By the sounds of it, she is determined to move out and I can't see her changing her mind.

You can either decide to call it quits now or do so if and when you realise that once she's moved out that it is too difficult for you.

 

I know you're having a tough time with this as you don't know 100% how it will turn out and if you will lose her by letting go right now, it's a tough spot to be in.

I guess truthfully it depends on what she tells you if you ask her what she feels this will accomplish. Though if I were in your shoes, I think I would feel like my partner has left already and I wouldn't be able to continue with the relationship.

[hopelost2]

Day 5:

 

SherrySher - The only thing I could gather as far as her exact reasoning is, that she feels this is the only our issues in the past will ever be fixed for good and not just swept under the rug.

 

A big part of me also can't help thinking that this is just her way of slowly tearing off the bandage. I've said to her a number of times that, I will not be stringed along while she slowly eases back into single life. She insists that I am wrong. That I am convincing myself of this. I've told her that I can't continue this relationship if she leaves, but she only respond saying that I'm not willing to try.

 

Within the past year, she has a sister who broke up with her long time BF and subsequently gave up her dog to him. I gave this example to her to explain why I wouldn't want any part of the dog after this. Her response to this was, that was different and that her sister was completely done with her BF. To which I responded with, "well isn't this the same situation?". Her response was that I'm wrong and she can't understand why I just wont try.

 

Altough we're still living in the same place, we've not seen each other for 3 days now. We're in separate bedrooms with doors closed. Yesterday was an interesting day. She went grocery shopping, as we had not had an opportunity to do so since this all began. She made dinner and texted me if I wanted any. I kindly said no thank you. She also said she would make us smoothies this morning for breakfast. I'm even more confused now. Why do all of this?

 

She says the outcome of this is entirely in our hands.

 

I having such a tough time trying to see this for what it is. My mind is so clouded by all this sadness.

 

Thank you for reading.

[hopelost2]

I have also forgotten about one thing which further complicates this. She texted me this morning reminding me that we were suppose to go on a trip together for a few days, leaving in a couple of days. My first inclination is not to go in fear of further complicating things and adding yet another potential painful memory of this trip. I told her she can go as she would be able to spend time with a family member in the town to which we were traveling. She said she can't go by herself - one reason she has fear of flying. And also said she would be crying on the plane by herself and riding in a taxi. Said she wishes I would change my mind about going to counseling together when she moves out. I don't know what to do.

[jennydanielle7]

I know it is completely hard, and you are on the verge of total craziness. Trust me, I know. Just a couple days ago, I unblocked my ex-fiance because I didn't think it was necessary to keep him blocked any longer, it was five months and I thought I was over it. As I'm not surprised, he still has been continuing the selfish habits that was the cause of our separation; and I should've figured that he wasn't going to change even when we broke up! Such a disappointment really. Just seeing his pictures caused a very painful pang and realization that I miss him, but I did the right thing. He wasn't going to change in the relationship, and he didn't change after the break-up. It is not easy.

 

But anyways, back to the main point. You were miserable in the relationship, and you are going to be miserable out of the relationship. Either way, you will be going through pain. If you do decide to go back in the relationship, I know for a fact that getting over resentment and trust are two things that will be incredibly difficult and long to improve. I was in your spot! I honestly thought I could handle it after three years, but I just couldn't. The lingering feelings will always be there.

 

You must decide truly in your gut and heart if the relationship is even worth it anymore. Is it worth your constant anxiety and looking over your shoulder, and wondering if she is being unfaithful, or is it best that you move your separate ways and find someone who won't put you in this position?

 

You decide what is best for YOU, not her. If she wanted the best for you and her together, she wouldn't have risked the relationship in the beginning with another man.

[hopelost2]

Day 7:

 

I'm sorry to hear that your ex is still up to the same, jennydanielle7. I'm assuming you blocked him again. Stay strong, knowing that you did the right thing.

 

For me, I've suspended all of my social media accounts (facebook and instagram), as they are painful reminders of happier times.

 

Update on the trip. I decided that it isn't a good idea to go, and I'm certain she's not going as well.

 

I'm still unable to sleep very much thinking about what's to come. Yesterday, we had a lengthy exchange of text messages. Not much was accomplished through it; just mostly it wet around in circles. I stuck to my stance that I don't want to be stringed along while she moves. Her stance is that, she's looking out for our future and doing what's best to fix this - counseling and her living elsewhere while we're working at things. My mind is no clearer today about whether this is really the best, or if she has other motives. In some ways, even though she hasn't moved out, I've already begun grieving the end of this relationship. Is this wrong? Am I prematurely doing this? This is the best way I know of to cope at the moment; trying to shield myself from the additional pain to come.

[hopelost2]

Just wanted to post a small update here. It's been nearly two weeks now since my gf and I had the conversation. As far as I know, she still wants to move so that we can work on things. However, she still hasn't packed anything. I don't know what she's waiting for. We're living under the same roof in separate bedrooms, and we've managed not to see each other. I've already told her I no longer want any contact other than to discuss final details of her move, however, she continues to text me...saying that we can work this out. She insists on texting me and telling me where she's going and when she's coming home. What is the purpose of this if she wants to move out? She has gotten upset when I haven't told her where I'm at when I'm not home.

 

I've done a lot of thinking, and I feel that I really don't have much left to put into this relationship. There is too much pain. I don't know what to do. Do I insist that she move as soon as possible? Am I going to be the 'dumper' in this case? I'm just trying to protect myself from being hurt any more.