What is wrong with me ?

[justagirl25]

Im 27. I live with my boyfriend of four years. I didnt know in the beginning how angry he is or else ,I hope, I would have done something different. 2 months in we had our first fight that really showed me something might not be eight. I ignored and we stayed together. 2 years went by with fight that really got escalated to almost fighting a few times. I stayed through it all. He has always liked to drink and once he starts, he doesnt stop. I tell myself Im not scared. But I am. ... I think im tough, but when it comes down to it... he is tougher. I stayed.... through screaming in my face, pushing me against walls, not letting me leave the room, taking me to the floor until I submit. Verbal abuse, manipulation, scaring me. I honestly know it isnt right and I see the red flags, but I stay. I tell myself that its just one "little" incident or "I can cover this with makeup." The first time he truly hit me.. was actually me being punched in the face. Closed fist. While holding on to my throat and hair. Afterwards throwing me in my truck and taking off to get away from the police. It was the first and only time I called the police on him. He gets arrested. Goes to jail for 2 weeks. I visited every week. Took his calls as much as I could. As soon as he is out. We are right back together even with a no contact order. Things are the same except a little better. Still being pushed and screamed at on a bi-weekly bases. Some months are better than others. His recent issue is breaking stuff. Phones, pictures, dishes, beer bottles, the house. No hitting or slapping or holding me on the ground. Things "arent THAT bad" and I want to please him so I dont put TOO much of a fight after he insists that we have sex. Really really rough sex but maybe this is just what he is into right ? "Pain is pleasure"

I know this is wrong. So what is wrong with me. My parents taught me better and I deserve better. But I stay. Even after our fight last week. Tackled me to the ground and took my hair and banged me head on our title floor. Slapped me in the face 5 or 6 time while rolling around all over broken glass. I had to cover rhe bruises from my family and work. Thankfully I had the rest of the weekend to get the swelling down. When we have good times, they are really good. When we have bad times they are really bad. Im the only person he has left.

What is wrong with me ?

[Matt3939]

I'm sure others can help alot more. Some have dealt with physical abuse. You are correct this isn't right at all. No one the man or the woman should ever touch the other in that way. You mention your parents you should get out of there and go to them or a friend's anything to get out. Pain isn't pleasure this to me is a control issue. He gets off on having physical control over somone else. I'd call him a child but this is worse. Listen to the other posters. You know this will not get better it will only get worse.

[Wolfshook]

Wow,get away yesterday! If you stay you will get yourself killed! This is not love, nor is this his way of showing love. He is a sick bastard and since he cannot controll himself he could get you killed. Dont settle for this.

"When we have good times, they are really good. When we have bad times they are really bad." - in this case only bad times count since they could cost your life.

 

 

Take your stuff when he's not home and go to your parents,call him and tell him it's over (do not tell him where you are). You also should request a restraining order since he beats you up.

[Hermes]

There is nothing "good" at all about this dreadful situation, Just.

This individual is quite insane, abusive, violent, and you want to stay with him!

[Jibralta]

You must leave this situation.

[nutbrownhare]

Really, you're the only person who really knows why you stay. Perhaps a better question would be "How to I get out of this situation which one day will seriously injure or kill me?"

[qwaspolk82]

Im 27. I live with my boyfriend of four years. I didnt know in the beginning how angry he is or else ,I hope, I would have done something different. 2 months in we had our first fight that really showed me something might not be eight. I ignored and we stayed together. 2 years went by with fight that really got escalated to almost fighting a few times. I stayed through it all. He has always liked to drink and once he starts, he doesnt stop. I tell myself Im not scared. But I am. ... I think im tough, but when it comes down to it... he is tougher. I stayed.... through screaming in my face, pushing me against walls, not letting me leave the room, taking me to the floor until I submit. Verbal abuse, manipulation, scaring me. I honestly know it isnt right and I see the red flags, but I stay. I tell myself that its just one "little" incident or "I can cover this with makeup." The first time he truly hit me.. was actually me being punched in the face. Closed fist. While holding on to my throat and hair. Afterwards throwing me in my truck and taking off to get away from the police. It was the first and only time I called the police on him. He gets arrested. Goes to jail for 2 weeks. I visited every week. Took his calls as much as I could. As soon as he is out. We are right back together even with a no contact order. Things are the same except a little better. Still being pushed and screamed at on a bi-weekly bases. Some months are better than others. His recent issue is breaking stuff. Phones, pictures, dishes, beer bottles, the house. No hitting or slapping or holding me on the ground. Things "arent THAT bad" and I want to please him so I dont put TOO much of a fight after he insists that we have sex. Really really rough sex but maybe this is just what he is into right ? "Pain is pleasure"

I know this is wrong. So what is wrong with me. My parents taught me better and I deserve better. But I stay. Even after our fight last week. Tackled me to the ground and took my hair and banged me head on our title floor. Slapped me in the face 5 or 6 time while rolling around all over broken glass. I had to cover rhe bruises from my family and work. Thankfully I had the rest of the weekend to get the swelling down. When we have good times, they are really good. When we have bad times they are really bad. Im the only person he has left.

What is wrong with me ?

 

You need to go to a domestic violence shelter or talk to an advocate at one of them. You don't deserve nor need this. The judges give no contact orders for a reason.

 

Nothing is wrong with you - it's him. Don't blame yourself. These people know how to manipulate.

 

Just stop saying "when we have good times they are really good." No they aren't. The bad happens more than the good. I know I have been there!!! My ex husband got abusive - usually only during his meth withdrawals. That was the three times he hit me. The first time we weren't married. It happened in a hotel. He was drunk and I don't know what else he was on. Going on and on about his first ex wife. I said fine go back to her. I'll take you back to your mom's tomorrow and we'll be done. He then pinned me down and thought he was joking but I didn't know. I slapped him - he lost it. Punched me. Choked me. Threw crap at me. I tried to yell he held his hand over my mouth. I waited until he fell asleep. Got my . Left the hotel. Went to my dad's. Got a protection order. Called the police a day later but couldn't get to that town until that Friday. It turned into he said/she said and a cluster. So I stopped cooperating after 2 months. I dropped the protection order like an idiot.

 

A month after I dropped the order he got me pregnant. I hadn't planned anything serious with him but there I was pregnant. So I said let's see how this goes. He cheated on me. When I was about five months pregnant he beat the out of me again. Meth withdrawal. Black eye, busted lip. Oh and the day before my birthday. I tried to cover it that first day at work but not well. I had five people ask me. My officer, a warrant officer, the First Sgt and one of my soldiers asked me. I lied. They knew. They knew about the first time. 1SG said "you don't have to lie for that ." I did. My family never knew about it. I didn't call the cops.

 

The last time he hit me our daughter was four months old. He pawned his phone to get more meth but lied about it. Couldn't get more. Was being an . Fighting with me (arguing) and I told him to just leave. Go take a walk, I said. He said no. I said if you don't leave right now I"m calling the police. He lost it when he heard police. He smacked me around, held me on the ground, choked me and I think I almost passed out. When he finally stopped I was by the door. I had a chance - I ran. Banged on every door until someone answered. Called the cops. I thought he took off with our daughter- no he left her on the couch. He did come back and they arrested him. I called my dad. He came down with my stepmom.

 

I should have filed for divorce then but I didn't. The judge issued a no contact order and I decided to give him one last chance because it was the meth not him. He did two months and got probation pleading guilty. Moved with me to my new base. He started up his drug use shenanigans again. Taking off all the time. Lying to get money. Using my credit card at the ATMs. I finally got tired of it last summer and filed for divorce. Then last winter he went to rehab and seemed stable, working, meetings, etc. We got back together for a little bit again. Then he got arrested for this thing and he used it as an excuse to relapse after I stupidly bailed him out.

 

It's not worth it. You have to walk away. It's hard. But you have to do it. Or he is going to end up killing you. There's no doubt when they are violent it gets worse and worse and worse. So please go find someone to stay with, go to a shelter find an advocate.