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My Take on Love


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She dumped me 4+weeks ago.


I still love her with all my heart.


I've tried everything. I've met other people, hooked up with other people, gone to concerts, gone adventuring, gone into the city, read books, ridden bicycles, pumped iron, written down my thoughts into a book for cathartic release, I've done it all.


And I still love a person so wholesomelly with my heart that it feels like she's still there, that I have a vat of love to give that will never be depleted, no matter how many more lifetimes I go without ever seeing her again, no matter how long I pine over her, no matter how much I know she hates me and does not return that same love back, at all.


It's driving me insane. My cortisol levels remain at an extreme high and my appetite is wrecked. My love, both biological and spiritual, seems like it will never dissapear.


She was the greatest thing to happen to me in a long time. In a very, very, very long time. She was the kindest creature and the most benevolent, loving person that ever walked my earth. Although many of you may be cynical and think that four weeks+ is a short time, it's not. To have more than a month of her on your mind, of constantly thinking and writing things over, the only thing I have come to conclude is that I will continue to love this flower that bloomed in my life and blew away in the wind before I had a chance to say sorry for picking out too many of its petals. I wish her nothing but the best in life and I know that that is true love. I wish her success and happiness with whoever she finds, but for some people, you can do all of these things and still continue to love the person. Not all people are the same, not all people can thrive from no contact, not all people can be healed with time. Maybe I will, but I know now that it will take a few more months, to a year, at the very least.


I consider myself pretty successful. I've gone to one of the best, if not the best, boarding schools in the United States, and now I'm going to the University of Oxford, considered by many to be the 2nd/3rd best university in a world of 7 billion people. And yet I still think of her with every passing day.


Perhaps one day I will bump into her somewhere in a far away land and be able to have a cup of coffee with her. Perhaps one day I will be able to say sorry, a true, deep, personable sorry, that is not dependent on her response but on my remorsefulness. Perhaps one day I will be able to pay her a visit wherever she is and give her whatever she needs, and not expect anything in return. I feel like I am writing this not only to describe what love feels like to me, but to share with an amazing community of people a new perspective on love from someone who received love in return for a long time, now to only be left with what is seemingly a dark, galactic void filled with on a few twinkles that manifest themselves as memories of our time together.


Bee, I know you will never see this, you never go on this website. But I love you, and I still do. My philosophy of love? I think every single person has an individual understanding of love, although there may be overlaps like an infinite series of traced venn diagrams. For me, two things, brief. The Door to Hell and the Sunset Sky. The Door to Hell: A fire that never ever stops burning, in Durweze, an entry to your worst pains, throbbings, and sleepless nights, the gate to every single thought that any evil entity could ever torture you with, a pain that comes along with the fire in your heart that was kindled by her and now, can never be put out again. The Sunset Sky: a beautiful, bleeding, red-plastered horizon that sends shivers down your spine, that reminds you of something beautiful that you can look forward to on clear skies, spring nights, every year, over and over. Even though it will turn cold every year, and leaves will fall, and she is gone, the sun will still set and bleed its soul into open sky just like you will.


Thank you for listening to me. If any of you want to talk about love, please DM me. I feel like I have discovered something so profound, what Rainer Maria Rilke talked about in his Letters to a Young Poet, but have yet the proper words to capture, and am still finding out everyday, all because of the incredible relationship that I formed with a person, with Bee. I love you.

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Like the old saying goes: it's far better to have loved and lost then not to have loved at all. There are those great loves that come along and shake your inner core and rattle your senses and devour your heart whole. I know I loved deeply, passionately and unconditionally to a man for ten years even though the relationship became fleeting.


I didn't think I could love anybody ever the same after my ex. He truly was one of a kind!


Then one year later I met a man that proved that notion wrong, yes you can love again! Your heart can expand and grow stronger. I love the man I'm with in a different way but a better way, my eyes wide open, my mind constantly consumed of thoughts of him from morning until night. I can literally feel his pain and he feels mine. We are long distance btw.


With him I feel at home.


You will love again and it will be a more profound and greater love because it will be meant to be.


Your last love was a wonderful life lesson to grow from and steer you into the right direction for a different but better kind of love one day.



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