BIL invited brand new girlfriend

[Akfranklin2014]

I am dealing with a situation regarding my wedding. When my fiancé and I sent out invitations, his brother was in a different state and knew he wouldn't be able to come so told us not to send an invitation. Since then he split his wife and him and his daughter moved in with my FH's parents, where me and my FH also currently live. Today is 3 weeks until the wedding. Everything is set, tables, chairs, food, seating arrangements. We are trying to stay on a budget as neither set of parents is helping pay for anything. My FH's brother asks him today if his girlfriend is invited, and says its an "all or nothing" situation, meaning if she isn't invited he won't come either. He has been dating this girl all of maybe two weeks. She and I have met and we don't like each other at all. I'd already told my FH that I didn't want her at the wedding and he said ok. But now, since we're having the wedding in their backyard, I'm being forced by FH's parents to invite her. I am pissed beyond measure. And nobody seems to care at all what I want. It's three weeks away and I've had all the stress I can take.

[Ms Darcy]

What does your fiance want to do? I'd suck it up because the FH's parents are actually probably saving you a bunch of money by hosting and it IS your future husband's brother. In situations like these, it's important to remember that the wedding isn't all about you.

 

I know it sucks, but hopefully you have a wedding planner who can hammer out all of these details for you.

[Capricorn3]

What does your fiance want to do? I'd suck it up because the FH's parents are actually probably saving you a bunch of money by hosting and it IS your future husband's brother. In situations like these, it's important to remember that the wedding isn't all about you.

 

I know it sucks, but hopefully you have a wedding planner who can hammer out all of these details for you.

 

I agree 100%. Really, in the end, who cares? You probably won't have anything to do with her anyway as your time will be spent surrounded by all your other guests and family etc. It's not like you'll be sitting next to her for the entire day making small talk. Mingle with all your guests and tactfully avoid her. Simple.

[Fudgie]

I agree with the above too. Your fiance's family is doing you a favor by providing you a place to have your wedding. They are hosting for you. That doesn't mean that they get to run the whole show but it does mean that they may get a few concessions, this being one of them. You don't have to like her, but you can just avoid her and enjoy the other guests.

[kbbcoop77]

You're living with your FH's parents and having your wedding in their backyard? Why? Are you going to live there after the wedding with the F BIL and his new girlfriend too? This doesn't sound good

[j.man]

So drop the money into having it in your own venue.

[Akfranklin2014]

You're living with your FH's parents and having your wedding in their backyard? Why? Are you going to live there after the wedding with the F BIL and his new girlfriend too? This doesn't sound good

 

No, we're moving into our own place next week. And plenty of people live with their in laws before or after getting married, it's actually not that uncommon. And we're having our wedding in their backyard because I lost my job for a month (and then was subsequently rehired because they made a mistake) and so we couldn't pay for our original venue. They offered their backyard to us. Also, why is it that someone always has to go off topic like this? People have their own reasons for doing things and this definitely wasn't even part of the reason I posted to begin with.

[Fudgie]

I think the fact that they are providing the venue for your wedding is important here because they are essentially doing you a favor. When you pay 100% out of pocket for all of your wedding, then you get 100% say over who can come and who cannot and you can bar BIL's girlfriend from coming if you wanted. However, that's not the case. They are hosting your wedding so they have to get some say.

[SherrySher]

Don't let one person spoil the whole thing. Just do your best to be polite when she's around but pay attention to what matter's most and that's your day, your friends and your family.

Don't give one person the power to ruin anything. Congrats! I hope it works out really well.

[Akfranklin2014]

I think the fact that they are providing the venue for your wedding is important here because they are essentially doing you a favor. When you pay 100% out of pocket for all of your wedding, then you get 100% say over who can come and who cannot and you can bar BIL's girlfriend from coming if you wanted. However, that's not the case. They are hosting your wedding so they have to get some say.

 

Actually, we are paying 100% out of pocket for our wedding. No one else is paying for anything. If it wasn't so close, I'd find somewhere else to have it. And essentially doing us a favor but complaining about it the whole time. Trust me it definitely wasn't my first option and had I known this would be an issue sooner I would have done everything in my power to find another location. I'm paying for people to eat and drink and dance the night away, I should be able to decide who is there and who isn't.

[agent1607307371]

But you are still having it in their house.

 

If you were 100% in control of the venue, you'd be well within your rights to say no, but you're taking their hospitality so unfortunately you kind of have to give them a little something back.

[Wiseman2]

Be gracious and just set another place. It's not worth the family turmoil to stand on principle for one plate of food. Don't think of her as "your guest" think of her as your fiance's side of the family +1 guest for his brother. Most people have at least a few guests they "have to" invite but can't stand, nothing new about that.

 

You will be so busy, you won't notice she's there anyway. Congrats and enjoy.

since we're having the wedding in their backyard, I'm being forced by FH's parents to invite her.

[Snny]

This is a sucky situation to be in. Etiquette wise, this girlfriend doesn't have to be invited because invitations were already sent out BEFORE the BIL climbed in a relationship. Your fiancé would be within his right to tell him "I'm sorry Chad, but our list is full and headcount was already given to the wedding coordinators by the deadline that we can out accommodate an extra person. We are sorry you won't make it."

 

But like Agent said... The venue is not run by a business and there is NO excuse around it.

 

I had a couple of people I didn't like at my wedding nearly 2 years ago and can honestly tell you this: you will be so BUSY being in love that you will not even notice the girlfriend. All you have to say to her is "thanks for coming" and walk away. unless she is extremely mentally deranged, she will not cause a scene with family eyes watching.

[catfeeder]

For my own mental health and enjoyment of my own wedding, I'd minimize this rather than amplify it into a 'problem.' So it's one more guest at your party, and it's a favor to your inlaws.

 

Be a hero and skip the drama. Enjoy your wedding and if your paths cross with whutsername, that's your opportunity to be gracious, charming and kind. That's all just part of maturity--and you ARE mature enough to get married, right?

[journeynow]

He's your future brother in law, I'd want him to come if I were in your shoes. And him bringing a date isn't about her, it's about him needing a buffer to help him deal with a wedding while in the emotional turmoil of a split. It's a kindness to him on your part to include her. Hang in there and have a great day. It's about celebrating your love and commitment, and joining two families.