GIVING UP after everything...

[SouthWestTrain]

So I have posted here in the past about my relationship. In summary, it's been 8 years with a two year break following his cheating about 4 years ago. We bought a house together which we sold after the cheating. We've been back together for about 2 years now and in short it's ME that's just not IN this anymore.

 

We've obviously had our ups and downs but we've worked through them. I just feel exhausted. Logistically we don't work in the same towns so it's like we're living two separate lives and just seeing each other from time to time. Things haven't felt the same for me since we got back together but I thought given time things would change and they did...a bit! Given our circumstances I'm now struggling to see how they will ever get back to where they used to be.

 

Do I give up on all the above and just walk away? I feel like a failure. He's always talked about moving to London and I feel like in a few years when we manage to figure things out logistically everything would be perfect - he would be a great husband, a great father , he has a great job - but I don't know if it's worth feeling like this for now to get the pay off.

 

I've recently bought a flat on my own where I live. it was a bit of a f* you move on my part to be honest but after everything I've felt such a strong urge to reclaim my independence and my self-worth. If I'm honest I've been very selfish since we got back together.

 

I now feel a bit like want to continue this by just cutting the strings and moving onto new beginnings. It's like I'm suddenly a finger clicking independent woman with a new lease on life(!!!) but being childless at the age of 31 I'm wondering if this is the best thing I should be doing!

 

Is it just a huge and massive waste? We've worked so hard and been through so much. He is my best friend. He knows it's over I think. He's really sad but he's not fighting which to me seems sadder. It's like he's rolling over and dying.

 

If anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it. I talk to friends and they're shocked when I say I think I might leave him. It's like 'WHAT? AFTER EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH? YOU'RE JUST GOING TO WALK AWAY?' and then I suddenly feel a massive sense of responsibility and that I could just be about to bugger everything up entirely for myself. We were always a great couple and maybe we could be again...?

 

Any advice/past experience appreciated.

 

SWT x

[ParisPaulette]

When a relationship becomes the emotional equivalent of dragging a stone around hanging off your neck, it's time to cut that chain and drop that rock and go.

 

I'm sorry, but being exhausted and burned out about a relationship is a pretty huge sign it's done. I've been there with my first marriage, actually. We were both not really upset with each other, but in the end just going through the motions of being together was sort of...yeah exhausting.

 

You can try couples counseling if he'll go, but keep in mind that can sometimes just make you see it's time to end things right then and there too. That's what happened with my ex-husband and I, the more we talked to the counselor, the more convinced we became it wasn't right to stay married. So we divorced and are both much happier now with other people.

 

Also keep in mind when other people tell you things like

It's like 'WHAT? AFTER EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH? YOU'RE JUST GOING TO WALK AWAY?'

you have to remember those are their issues, not yours.

 

It's called projection, the people who say and do that either a) have no clue that relationships sometimes stop being a good thing and/or b) they themselves want to leave their relationship, but keep telling themselves that and then when they see other people they know doing what they secretly want to do they become scared that they'll see you happy, realize the error of their ways, and that they should just go. So they project on to you and sabotage your own efforts inadvertently. This often isn't malicious, but we as humans tend to sometimes reject the very things we secretly want for ourselves in others.

 

So keep that in mind. Also relationships aren't real estate or wine or classic cars--they don't necessarily get better with age. And since you only have one life and the minutes of it are always ticking down, down, down it really kind of doesn't behoove you to keep holding on to something that's no longer a good thing.

 

The best relationships, the only ones you should settle for, are the ones that make you happy and fulfill you right here, right now. And yes, that takes work and it takes time and investing into the relationship by way of therapy or other activities that make you stronger. But if you both have done everything you can, or only one of you is putting in any effort, or even if you just wake up one day and say, "I don't want to do this anymore," then maybe it's time to listen to yourself for a change.

 

P.S. One more thing, never bank on what or how someone will become, be only with the person in front of you and nothing else. I've played that whole "Well, what if he becomes a fantastic person down the line and I…." No. That's not why you stay with someone, again he's not a wine that will necessarily get better with age. He is who he is NOW and that's likely going to be who he stays if he's anything over the age of 25. It's a losing game again to simply stay with someone, because of who they might become because you should be with who he is now.

[SouthWestTrain]

Thank you. Thank you so much for your considered reply. It's given me a lot to think about. I'll have moments of clarity followed by moments of complete doubt. I posted in here a few years ago following the cheating and got some wonderful and helpful advice as well as a lot of resigned 'you're going to end up back with this guy, it's so obvious' comments. I HATED THAT but it was so true. I wanted it to work so much and I tried, we both did really hard. I don't want him to change - he's great and I still love him for all the reasons I did. But the relationship has changed. The dynamic. I think even that maybe I've changed.

 

I feel like the sensible choice would be stay with him and keep plugging and that it's a really rebel decision to cut things off. But now I'm not sure that it's not the other way around...

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately moving out, selling the house was the first indicator that it's over/not working. Now buying your own place is another step away from this. It sounds like neither of you are happy or into this and just coasting along for the sake of old times.

 

In all this time, no engagement, no marriage or talk of starting a family so what kind of future are you waiting to arrive at? It sounds like it's going in reverse not forward, no?

We bought a house together which we sold after the cheating. I've recently bought a flat on my own where I live.

[SouthWestTrain]

Thank you. It does feel a touch like I should never have got back with him but you can't regret things like that can you? I'm still learning and it's not like life is hell together. Working on the relationship is a very legitimate option here. I'm not sure if anyone knows whether you'll end up walking miles forward or just going around in circles.

 

He does talk about kids but only is as much as he wants them and wishes our situation were better so we could look forward to having them. There's been no word on marriage - I think he's gone off the idea and I think he know finds it a 'smug' move. I must admit that's stumped me a little. He also text me the other day so 'If you only you were pregnant, then everything would be sorted'. I didn't respond. I know he was joking but I actually found it very insulting. There are other ways to feel fulfilled as a couple. That comment got to me more than I thought it would.

[Wiseman2]

Most people jump ship when there are signs it's going in circles not sure if anyone knows whether you'll end up walking miles forward or just going around in circles.

[milk45wentout]

There's something to be said for independence and doing it on your own for a while. You learn things about yourself and you start to see rhe you of person who you'd like to spend the rest of your life with. Go off and grow, prosper and find a person is just as ready as you are who's not part of your past and old ways of thinking. This is an exciting time for you... take it with both hands and forge ahead alone. You'll look back in years to come of a fond period of finding your true self.

[tattoobunnie]

First, you aren't given up everything - you are giving up deadweight.

 

And 2nd, what can you expect with him not fighting for the relationship. He already tried to cowardly get out of it the first time around by cheating.

 

I got dumped by someone at 30 that I thought would be the one I married, two weeks after he convinced me to have an abortion, and I had to move out. Two years later, at 32, started dating my now husband, and we have two beautiful kids together, so quit thinking at 31 your cervix has died and shriveled up.

 

Staying with him means tunnel visioning any possible future with great love.

 

You don't need a dramatic reason to end a relationship.

 

It's not working out, and that's the only reason you need.

 

Do not listen to friends who question your judgment - they are not the ones that have to sleep next to him each night.

[moodindigo91]

Sounds like you're already done with this relationship. Honestly, the whole dream of moving to London and everything being perfect suddenly will never come true... you just don't feel the same after he cheated, and you never will. Even if you are "over it" and have forgiven him, you still know and experienced extreme disrespect and betrayal from him, someone you love and trusted. That will never go away, it will be a stain on your relationship forever.

 

You seem to love your new independence, and he's the one last thing holding you back from really breaking out and being yourself. I say, jump ship. It will be hard, and he will be sad, but honestly he had it coming. Anyone who cheats deserves to be left by their partner whether it's immediately or years down the line. They committed the ultimate relationship crime, shattered your trust, your bond, and your relationship. There's just no going back from that no matter how hard you try.

[gebaird]

I just feel exhausted.

 

I have a friend in a very similar situation. A year of absolute hell and they've finally come to some kind of understanding, but she's tired.

 

People say relationships require work, and they're right. But it sounds like you've been walking around in shackles for the better part of 8 years. That's a lot of work.

 

You hold the key to free yourself from this prison. Use it.

 

Things haven't felt the same for me since we got back together ...

 

Listen to this feeling. It's sending you a clearer message than you'll ever get by trying to reason your way through this.

 

I feel like a failure.

 

Failing does not make you a failure. You've already invested WAY more in this relationship than some people might have. I'd call that success, whatever the outcome.

 

He's always talked about moving to London and I feel like in a few years when we manage to figure things out logistically everything would be perfect - he would be a great husband, a great father , he has a great job - but I don't know if it's worth feeling like this for now to get the pay off.

 

If you keep living your life for some far off tomorrow, it will never come. The future is created one day at a time. It's simply the present moment projected forward. Do you want your present life to be projected into the future? If not, you need to make changes today.

 

... I've felt such a strong urge to reclaim my independence and my self-worth. If I'm honest I've been very selfish since we got back together.

 

Taking care of yourself isn't selfish. It's the very opposite.

 

... but being childless at the age of 31 I'm wondering if this is the best thing I should be doing!

 

Yes, because I'm sure having a kid with this guy would solve all your problems and make the romance bloom again ...

 

We've worked so hard and been through so much.

 

Which is why you're so tired. You've been a martyr for the cause. What if you could be in a relationship without feeling like you have to suffer? What if it could just be fun, interesting, exciting, passionate, and stable? Don't you think that would be a relationship worth pursuing? It seems that the real choice you are making here is between giving up on your current guy and giving up on love.

 

I talk to friends and they're shocked when I say I think I might leave him. It's like 'WHAT? AFTER EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH? YOU'RE JUST GOING TO WALK AWAY?

 

Yeah, because this sounds like such an amazing and perfect relationship and they can't believe you're throwing it away! But you're not throwing it away, are you? And it's not actually that amazing or perfect, is it?

 

We were always a great couple and maybe we could be again...?

 

Except for that time he cheated on you. Oh, and the fact that he won't marry you. And the financial problems. And the living separate lives. Hmm, could you please define the word "great" for me?

 

Sorry for the snarkiness, SouthWestTrain. It just seems pretty damn clear to me that you've already made the decision to leave and that it's the right decision.

 

You don't need a reason. The way you are feeling is reason enough.

 

Find a love that you don't have to work so damn hard to keep alive.