Was I just a side chick?!

[Devastated123]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this but hoping for some real advice. I just broke up with my long distance boyfriend out of suspicion that he had a main girlfriend in his city and I was the side thing. I didnt have real proof but the signs were all there and I couldn't take it anymore. I guess I'm looking for some validation because this break up was very difficult for me as I have fallen in love with this person (and feel pretty stupid about it too).

 

I met this man 8 months ago on a dating website. Right away he lied about the city he lived in. His profile said he lived in MY city but it turns out he lived about a 6 hour drive away! Anyways, he kept up this lie for over two months during which time I kept asking why we hadn't seen each other and he was giving me excuse after excuse (most of which seemed legitimate which is why I kept waiting). Basically it took two months for us to meet. The first two months before we met I didn't really take him that seriously. I couldn't figure out why this guy would talk to me for HOURS on the phone and text me all day long but didn't make the time to come see me or invite me over there. I mean it's a long drive but it's still doable. The thought of another woman crossed my mind but I shut that thought process down because we just talked way too much..I thought how would he hide me? I also was suspicious that he didn't actually live in my city but shut that thought process down too after I confronted him about his cell phone area code and he mentioned he WAS living there but had recently moved to my city.

 

While I waited for this first date we really got to know each other and talked a LOT. I found out some personal things about him (granted they could've been lies) that made me start making excuses for him not coming to see me sooner (at one point I convinced myself that he didn't have a car and was shy to tell me which turned out to be false).

 

So our first date was wonderfully amazing but it got ruined at one point when I noticed he was texting another woman under the menu at the dinner table..I felt really insulted (we weren't exclusive yet but couldn't he wait till AFTER our date) and he gave me some bs excuse that it was a relative and some rediculous story that seemed so dumb but I let it go.

 

The rest of our dating experience that followed was basically a TON of talking with long periods of me waiting to see him. We got into a groove where we would see each other once a month which I wasn't really happy with but I kept hoping down the road things would improve.

 

At some point we became exclusive. He was the first to tell me that he loved me but the statement followed an argument where I told him I needed some space. After we made up he started telling me how much he loved me every hour of the day. I would wake up to beautiful messages from him about how he had never felt love like this before and I was the woman of his dreams. Deep long poetic messages that basically made me fall deeply in love. After 3 months we slept together and it was mind blowing. He said he never made love to a woman like that before yet he wouldn't perform oral sex on me which I thought was odd but he said it wasn't his thing (I didn't either as a result). Nevertheless the love making was amazing and really slow and passionate with a lot of kissing.

 

At first we would meet at hotels half way but eventually I invited him to stay over. (I was never invited to his place but thought he was being a gentleman by making the long drive). One thing that bothered me was that he would always mention how he "wanted a drawer" for his clothes or asking me where his copy of my house key was. I felt off about this because I'm used to a man inviting me into his home not asking me to give him a key to mine. He made so many comments like this BEFORE we even slept together that I began to feel self conscious about the fact that I had a small apartment. He was making me feel like if we ever progressed in our relationship it would be him moving in and I simply did not have the space. I didn't like that he wasn't taking more initiative to find a place for the two of us or discuss mutual plans at all.

 

Later in our relationship, I found out he actually purchased his first house in HIS city. It was a two bedroom house he bought with his brother so needless to say I felt there was no space for me in his life. So this is where things got even stranger ok. He was renting an apartment which he had to move out of by the end of June but his house wouldn't be ready until September. He mentioned that since he had no place to stay for a few months he would crash at his mother's place. The wknd before he moved out was his bday.. he said his dad was in town and surprised him with a cabin getaway just the guys up north so I wasn't invited. In fact I didn't even know he was going! He didn't contact me the day he left up north until late afternoon to tell me that he was ALREADY THERE for his bday wknd and it was a complete surprise and that he had to walk out of the forest to tell me but he would have no reception so we couldn't talk for the entire wknd either. I believed the whole birthday surprise thing but was puzzled why he waited until he got to the cabin to tell me. When he got back he sent me some photos of the cabin and forest so I believed him but I also noticed two wine glasses in the picture (it was to be 3 men up there). That entire wknd I had nightmares out of nowhere about him and couldn't figure out why.

 

When he returned from his bday trip he moved a few days later. Literally the DAY he moved everything went downhill. He started calling me less and less and when we talked he would cut me off in 30 seconds and he had to go. When he was able to talk for a few minutes, he was always calling me while driving. A few times he did call me while at home (I could hear the tv but then again he could've been elsewhere) but even those times he cut the convo really short. It got SO obvious and terrible feeling that I started to argue with him about it a lot. Not only was I seeing him once a month but now he was cutting the communication too! I couldnt handle it.

 

Just a week after he moved he came down to see me and stayed with me for 4 days to make it up to me. His entire stay he must have walked FAR away from me to make private phone calls at least TEN times. I started to realize a pattern. When he was in his city, he would be outside going for a walk or driving to talk to me. Now, he was walking outside my house to make phone calls to someone else. I became really suspicious and we argued the entire time which ruined our time together. Again he was giving me these elaborate excuses why he couldn't take the calls in front of me.

 

Since this trip our relationship sank further downhill. The communication was reduced to 15 mins a day and a few text messages which was a HUGE contrast to when we talked for hours. I became paranoid, suspicious and miserable. The more we fight about it the more distant he became, it was a downward spiral. He also started going away every Sunday and not being available ALL day with the dumbest excuses (for example he would tell me he was checking on the progress of his house .. On a Sunday ....when nobody worked.. And for ten hours).

 

I missed our talks and romance so I read this book on how women who act too paranoid can ruin relationships so I tried this new approach where I backed off. We made plans a week ago and he gave me some other bs excuse why he couldn't come on a wknd! Our plans got reduced to ONE night on a Monday. Still I was doing this new "positive thinking" exercise and still met up with him half way at a hotel. We had an amazing date. A great dinner followed by talking lots of kissing and love making. He had to leave early the next morning but I was understanding. When I got home and unpacked my suitcase I found the unthinkable!! DIRTY FEMALE UNDERWEAR that did not belong to me somehow found their way in my bag of lingerie!!!!!! I live alone and this lingerie was brand new. There's no way they were mine. After retracing my steps I realized that I grabbed them from the bathroom floor thinking they were mine and that they must have fallen out of HIS bag when he was changing. Suddenly all the pieces of the puzzle came together and I started to realize he might be living with another woman and grabbed her laundry or something by mistake (he's a last minute packer). Of course he denied they were his. The days that followed went from bad to worse. He went away again for an entire day and said he was checking on the house progress but accidentally sent me a photo of a cottage up north. I broke up with him without hesitation on the spot and his only reaction was "Wow, ok". We have both been NC ever since.

 

It's been a few days so this is still really raw and painful. I basically feel blindsided and trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together.. Was I always the other woman? Is he using her for a pace to stay? Were they on a break when we met? Did he meet her after me or before? Was all the passion and love making and romance fake?

 

Someone please help me put this puzzle together because it has become very clear I will never get closure form a liar like him so I need to get it for myself so I can move on to a better man.

[nuttybuddy]

I think you are a smart woman and you have done the right thing. All the clues you mentioned makes me think that he was rebounding on you when he gave you the time of day. And the two wine glasses, the lingerie, and endless amount of lies.... all points to that he's not a good guy.

 

He left you just as quickly as you left him. He dropped you like a hat. That already tells you how much he thought of you.

 

Move on. He's not worth any more of your energy or thought. A man who loves you will never lie to you. He also would not hide his life never inviting you to his place.

 

He started this relationship with a lie.... that he was in your city. Which already was a trap. Don't get sucked into anyone who lies to you. That's a big red flag.

[Hurt]

Yes you are a side kick. He doesn't value you. Why don't you give him one last chance or a test? If he cannot give you what you want, it is pointless to stay with him

[Devastated123]

I know you're so right I feel like a complete fool for accepting that behaviour. I should've walked away as soon as I realized I was lied to but I liked him and I stayed like a fool. I could've spared myself so much heartache

[Devastated123]

I think you are a smart woman and you have done the right thing. All the clues you mentioned makes me think that he was rebounding on you when he gave you the time of day. And the two wine glasses, the lingerie, and endless amount of lies.... all points to that he's not a good guy.

 

He left you just as quickly as you left him. He dropped you like a hat. That already tells you how much he thought of you.

 

Move on. He's not worth any more of your energy or thought. A man who loves you will never lie to you. He also would not hide his life never inviting you to his place.

 

He started this relationship with a lie.... that he was in your city. Which already was a trap. Don't get sucked into anyone who lies to you. That's a big red flag.

 

Forgot to quote you the first time. So you think that he was dating her before he met me and they had a falling out when him and I got closer?

[Devastated123]

Yes you are a side kick. He doesn't value you. Why don't you give him one last chance or a test? If he cannot give you what you want, it is pointless to stay with him

 

I already left there are no more chases to give. I just wanted some closure because I'm trying to figure out how long this was going on for and how it all happened

[SherrySher]

There is definitely another woman. I am sorry you will never know for how long or if she was always there..it's not fair of him to not give you the answers, but he has definitely been two timing. The only closure you need is to know that he is a liar and a cheat..move on with your head held high and don't let this type of man bring you down.

[greta96]

I don't think anyone can piece together this puzzle, he is the only one who knows what the heck was going on... The only thing that is evident is that there was another woman, but who came before whom, I couldn't tell.

It absolutely sucks that people like him have to exist, they truly make you second guess everything, including your own sanity. You did ignore some blatant red flags and let too many suspect signs go by without you investigating them, so in the future try and be more careful and look into everything that doesn't feel right, but in the end, you dodged a big bullet and you are now free to meet a man who can be what you want him to be - honest, trustworthy, local and all yours.

Don't waste too much time dwelling on what happened, because you will probably never know the whole truth, it's all just speculation; and no, he will never offer to come clean. Really, the sequence of events doesn't even matter, what matters is that it is all behind you now and you need to move forward. Just tell yourself that you're better off without him (it's true!) and let yourself heal.

[lilyv]

I had a similar experience decade ago, I was so hooked on the excitement and mystery, I made myself sick. I knew deep down, my only value to him was based on his hunger to unload his sexual aggression on me and I enjoyed misinterpreting his desire as potential love. Looking back, it didn't matter whether I was the side chick, in the end, a man like that will never know how to love or see a woman deeply. I see the torture you put yourself through by reading a book that tried to convince you to override your intuition and deem capturing a man, your prize. It's an awful mindset to exist in. The greatest lesson I finally learned was that I had to honor and respect myself and no one has the power over me to tell me if I'm valuable enough. I was acting out this behavior and I deemed this man powerful over me, I did that...and it was a process of purging this toxic energetic dynamic and filling myself with self love, respect and honor to break this pattern. I wish you peace and celebrate your courage to want to love, even when this person was blatantly not asking for your love just using the word as a means to keep control and influence over your energy. You're valuable.

[reinventmyself]

I understand now with some distance you are able to be objective about all the of the red flags, but there were red flags from the onset and continually built up on top of another, yet you continued with this man. You made excuses for the inconsistencies and turned a blind eye. You didn't say how long you were involved with this man but I can assume it was a long time?

 

The lesson here is to suss this out early on rather than later and you would have saved yourself a lot of heartache and precious time on someone so undeserving.

I am sorry this happened to you.

[MissCanuck]

He sounds like he is married.

 

Next time, do not ignore the red flags. Don't try to convince yourself that you're just paranoid. When a relationship starts on a lie, you run. You don't move toward that person.

[Jibralta]

Here's what I think:

 

Was I always the other woman?

 

Yes. He probably lived alone when you first started talking. Now, he lives with her. This explains the change in communication patterns.

 

Is he using her for a pace to stay?

 

No.

 

Were they on a break when we met?

 

No. He's been cheating on her the entire time.

 

Did he meet her after me or before?

 

Before. Way before.

 

Was all the passion and love making and romance fake?

 

It was just a sneaky, thrill-seeking way for him to bust a nut.

 

So you think that he was dating her before he met me and they had a falling out when him and I got closer?

 

No, he just likes to cheat.

 

Someone please help me put this puzzle together because it has become very clear I will never get closure form a liar like him so I need to get it for myself so I can move on to a better man.

 

Now that I've answered all of these questions I have to make the contradictory suggestion that you stop asking these questions and stop caring about the answers. None of them matter. The only thing that matters here is that he is the lowest, filthiest type of cheater, and that you are no longer associated with him. I'm sorry you got caught up with a person like this. Good move in ending things. Stay strong.

[ThatwasThen]

I know you're so right I feel like a complete fool for accepting that behaviour. I should've walked away as soon as I realized I was lied to but I liked him and I stayed like a fool. I could've spared myself so much heartache

 

You realized you were lied to when you found out he does not live in your city. His profile probable had more lies in it then truths. I hope that this situation has taught you a valuable lesson about ignoring red flag after red flag. Just because you have talked yourself into liking someone you don't even know, you shouldn't ignore red flag behaviour.

 

The no. 1 red flag that you ignored is that he NEVER invited you to his part of town never mind his house. You give yourself closure by admitting that you were a volunteer for what happened to you. You were a victim upon the first red flag he flew. After that you volunteered to continue on while very well knowing that your gut was warning you not to. You forgive yourself by learning the lesson so that you never make the same one(s) again. That when someone lies from the profile, then its time to say goodbye to them before you end up volunteering for heartache once again.

 

Adding:

So you think that he was dating her before he met me and they had a falling out when him and I got closer?

No! The most likely scenario is that he always had her as his girlfriend, there was no falling out but he was supplementing her by having you. He premeditatedly sought out an extra curricular piece on the side.

 

He most likely started to back off when he did because they moved in together into that two bedroom house (not him and his brother) and he didn't have the freedom to talk to you like he did in the beginning.

[Devastated123]

Thank you for the advice everyone while I'm going through the this difficult time, it's very much appreciated. I just had some questions and an update I'm hoping to get an opinion on.

 

In terms of the questions:

 

What puzzled me is two scenarios that occurred after the "temporary move with his mother" that would suggest he wasn't living with anyone. There was one Sunday afternoon we spoke for 6 hours straight. It wasn't planned, it just randomly happened.. Was he simply just lucky she didn't end up being home for a long time? Also, and this is the biggest puzzler, when I confronted him about the dirty underwear I found in my suitcase, he called me from home immediately. It was 10pm on a Tuesday night and we spoke for an hour about it on the phone. I heard a tv in the background. Could he have been simply lucky again that she wasn't home exactly when I confronted him about the underwear?? And that he was able to call me at that very second to discuss it for an hour?

 

One thing he did mention is that his mother works a lot.. If you change the word "mother" to "girlfriend" everything else would make sense right? My best friend asked me if I've ever heard his mother talking in the background and I actually never have. He always seems alone when he calls but I do hear his "mothers" dog bark on occassion.. In fact he's called me many times when he was walking the dog outside.

[Devastated123]

And the update is that he called me. He called 3 times in a row the other day and I finally answered. All the conversation did was reopen the wound and left me even more confused and feeling betrayed.

 

He said that he's been "spaced out" and he's really sorry that he had personal problems that had nothing to do with me. He blamed it on the fact he is sober now (he had an alcohol problem when we met and I helped him stop drinking) and that he is having a hard time with it. However, he didn't come begging me back or promising change.. All he did was explain himself and then tell me he still wants me in his life because he truly loves me .. When I told him I was confused at what he was trying to get at and that I couldn't be his friend if that's what he wants. He said that's not all he wanted but he still wasn't clear! Then he suggested we take a break instead of breaking up and I flat out said no. I told him it's all or nothing. He either does a complete 180 or I never want to speak to him again.. And he seemed all conflicted like it was such a dam difficult decision to make or something! In the end I suggest we take a few days and talk again one last time next week.. When I hung up I realized I was so confused at what exactly it was that he wanted!??? And I got so upset about his suggestion we take a break (like who are you to create terms when I dumped you and YOU are reaching out to me??)

 

I ended up crying that day and it totally ruined my mood and now I realize that speaking to him was a mistake ... I'm curious to see what else he has to say but at the same time I end result want to speak to him again yet my heart misses him but I also feel betrayed.. I'm just one giant confused mess .. Someone please help

[Devastated123]

Correction:

 

The last paragraph should read:

 

I'm curious to see what else he has to say but at the same time I'm scared to ever speak to him again. Part of me never wants to talk to him everrrr and part of me wants to see what he has to say.. Ultimately I feel so hurt and betrayed and blind sighted ...

[Ms Darcy]

I would gently suggest you start seeing a therapist. The notion that you would not only jump to be with a man who "had an alcohol problem when we met" but would also "help him" with it tells me you are probably very co-dependent. Whether he's married, got a gf, whatever, he cannot give you a real relationship.

 

You can't pull water from a stone. A healthy relationship will not happen with this man. Yet here you are still trying to pretzel to be with him.

[Devastated123]

Hi Ms Darcy,

 

Thanks for your reply. I think I probably should've explained the alcohol thing better.. He had the problem when we met but I didn't notice it until we already started a relationship.. The first few dates were only for a night and I thought it was normal to drink since I was doing it too.. Then I realized when he would spend 3-4 days at my place that his alcohol consumption was very high. He wasn't violent or abusive in any way. I just thought he had a drinking problem so I motivated him to stop. It was only now, after 2 months sober, that he admits he had a problem when we met even though before he refused to admit it.. I'm not sure if it was just a bad excuse however and I'm only here to cope and make sense of things... I realize he's bad news but it helps to hear it from others since I'm trying to remain strong and not engage in any more communication with him

[boltnrun]

Never mind about the alcohol.

 

Are you seriously considering continuing to be this cheater's mistress???

[MissCanuck]

Oh girl, no. Just no.

 

This guy is so full of excuses and malarkey.

 

As far as the long phone calls, we have no idea what his probable wife/gf does for a living or what her social calendar is like. She could have been working, away with friends, at the gym, any number of things. If she were around, he wouldn't have placed those calls to you at all.

 

What is there to talk about next week? He very clearly can't be in a relationship with you and you are hurting because of him. What do you hope having one last talk will accomplish? He's a joke.

[ThatwasThen]

Never, "never mind" about an alcohol problem. You can disregard all the red flags in the world but that is one ~ that you better keep yourself safe of. You can't "help" someone to stop drinking... You can support them when THEY CHOOSE TO QUIT but that's about it and he's now clearly telling you that he's having a hard time being sober. THAT IS ENOUGH FOR YOU TO STOP OBSESSING about him and be glad that you had the guts to end it with him.

 

In fact he's called me many times when he was walking the dog outside.

THAT is yet another red flag telling you that he is otherwise committed. Never having you anywhere near his home base is another crimson tide. Calling immediately to explain away something when he never has before is another.

 

Stop letting him keep you mired in this mess. This is NOT a relationship that is legit. Not by a long, long shot so good for you for telling him no to "a break." Too bad you said "its all or nothing." What you should have said I'm not allowed to type on this forum.... and then gone no contact by blocking him so he can't whiddle his way back during a weak moment of withdrawl from having him in your life and him no longer being there...

[Ms Darcy]

Never, "never mind" about an alcohol problem. You can disregard all the red flags in the world but that is one ~ that you better keep yourself safe of. You can't "help" someone to stop drinking... You can support them when THEY CHOOSE TO QUIT but that's about it and he's now clearly telling you that he's having a hard time being sober. THAT IS ENOUGH FOR YOU TO STOP OBSESSING about him and be glad that you had the guts to end it with him....

 

I completely agree. The alcohol problem is important. It's one of the MANY red flags you ignored from the beginning or near beginning.

 

For whatever reason, it seems not having concrete proof he's got a wife somewhere makes you doubt yourself. Let the alcohol thing be your concrete proof that this won't work. If you need something to hold on to, let that be it.

 

So you can stay strong and stay away from this guy.

[boltnrun]

I worded that poorly.

 

What I should have said is that it looked like the OP was using his alcohol problem as an excuse to continue trying to stay in this relationship. In my opinion, the alcohol is one of many reasons why she should stay away and never communicate with him again.

[Jibralta]

I just thought he had a drinking problem so I motivated him to stop. It was only now, after 2 months sober, that he admits he had a problem when we met even though before he refused to admit it..

 

Stop convincing yourself that you are an important person in his life, and that he appreciates you. Guaranteed it isn't true.