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Am I afraid of commitment?


tink10

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I'm 34, never been married, no kids. I've been suffering with anxiety and depression since I was 19. Since I was 22, I couldn't hold a relationship. There was always "something missing." I've been dating a guy now for almost 2 years which is a record for me and feels like an eternity! I want to get married and have kids but it scares me that this is as good as it's going to get. When I first started dating him anxiety set in because I knew he was immediately into me. I kept asking myself "Is this what I want?" But here I am 2 years later asking myself that same question. I've dated so many guys and there's always something wrong with them. I wonder if it's me there's something wrong with or I should wait for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet. Ugh, the confusion kills me and I wonder if I'm sabotaging a good relationship. I feel alone and do not know what I should do. Every other woman seems to adore the man they are with and is eager to start a life with them. When I think about marrying my boyfriend, I cringe with contemplation. Anyone ever experience this feeling of ambivalence?

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I've been on the other side of commitment-phobia, and let me tell you, it's absolute hell for your partner if he's aware of your ambivalence. He will always wonder why he's not "good enough" for you to commit to. Some people will say you just haven't met the right one yet, and maybe that's the case. But it sounds to me like you do have some commitment-phobia. If there's been something "wrong" with every guy you've dated, you're either picking the wrong partners, or you're being too critical and picking them apart looking for flaws. Either way, the common denominator is you. Read the book He's Scared, She's Scared.

 

I don't mean to be rude, but I feel sorry for your boyfriend. If he's a good guy, then he deserves someone who loves him unconditionally and wants to commit... not someone who cringes at the thought of marrying him. The kindest thing would be to either let him go so he can find that person for him, or make him aware of your issues and assure him that the problem is with you and not with him.

 

Sounds like therapy would be helpful for you.

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Great relationships can actually have a sense of calm and everyday getting along and a lasting love. Is there passion? Do you love this guy? Can you see a future with him? Are you worried about grass-is- greener syndrome? It's normal to carefully deliberate a life decision and partner.

 

Try not to compare real life to Disney. That's fantasy.

I want to get married and have kids but it scares me that this is as good as it's going to get. I should wait for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet.

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Thank you all so much for responding. I have been in therapy for many years and am very aware of my anxiety and fears. My mother suffered from major depression. She was not happy in her marriage and I guess felt stuck. She has no life and died of a stroke because she didn't take care of herself. I am terrified to be stuck and end up like her. Thank you "lostlove" for being brutally honest, I need that. My boyfriend deserves someone better and I have told him that several times but he chooses to stay. He knows my struggles very well and I communicate to him my ambivalence. To be honest I have no idea why he puts up with me but that just shows what kind of guy he is. I do love him but I don't know if I see a future forever but who knows if I will ever feel that way. I do suffer from the grass-is-greener syndrome and I'm scared to grow up. Aging as been difficult for me and I'm only 34. I know I shouldn't dream of Prince Charming. I think my childhood forced me to believe when I married it would be perfect unlike my parents. I do not like that he is an introvert but that's about it. I know, stupid. I'm definitely going to research avoidant attachment!!! Thank you all so much for listening and your support!!!

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No one can see the future "forever" so get that out of your head. If you love him now, if you can see him being a good partner to you and a good father to your children then why not just marry, start your family and take the rest one day at a time?

 

If you last forever, well then you're doing better then most. At 34, being with a good man that values you and who you love is a good reason to have children with him and settle in for the winter with. There is nothing to be afraid of in this day and age of instant divorce. Your partner knows that you have doubts and if he chooses to stay with you in spite of them then that's on him.

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