Do I leave my marriage?

[pickleskin23]

My husband and I have been having troubles for, probably a couple of years now. I am an entirely different person to who I was even a couple of years ago having suffered the loss of both my parents in a year l. I feel that I am a completely different person now but that my husband is still the same.

 

We have talked about this before and I have explained how i feel but continues to think the same way. I am not sure I can get I've the fact he grabbed me round the throat, to the point I had to wear make up round my neck, out of my head.

 

I have been feeling things towards other people, completely inadvertently as I would never do anything whilst we were together and we eventually broached the subject.

 

I am very much feeling like we cannot go on but I wonder if instead of having a "trial separation " we have a "trial relationship"?

 

I thought when the time came I would be able to say I was done with it but the he said that I was too good to be held back by crap and if that crap was him he would walk away

 

I don't know what to do !!!!!

[Wiseman2]

If he tried to choke you, leave...everything else is irrelevant. Trial this or that is just tiptoeing around this and won't improve or change anything.

 

Do you have to line up a new husband first? Is divorce allowed in your country/culture?.

 

You say "you've changed", what does that mean? If he wasn't choking you in the beginning maybe he's changed?

I feel that I am a completely different person now but that my husband is still the same. I am not sure I can get I've the fact he grabbed me round the throat, to the point I had to wear make up round my neck, out of my head

[pickleskin23]

It's completely within culture, we are a mid thirties, childless (by choice) couple. I agree that the choking thing is wrong and the only act of personal violence in 13 years.

 

I've changed in the sense that I've watched (and nursed both my parents to their deaths within a year) tragedy and have an entirely different outlook on life, I just don't think he fits with that now. As stated he has told me I'm worth the work and has an inclination that I want to be out of it but we really haven't spent time as a couple for so long, I don't know what that feels like anymore!

[pickleskin23]

*worth more

[reinventmyself]

Outside of the physical abuse . . (not sure what culture that is ok in) it's typical for couples to grow and change at different rates and different times.

There in lies the challenge of a marriage of long duration, navigating these changes.

We don't have enough information to go and maybe your situation warrants leaving but if everyone left their marriage when life changes occurred marriages wouldn't exist.

Have you considered counseling?

You must figure you have nothing to lose and at least you won't have any regrets that you didn't attempt everything to salvage the marriage before you leave

[moodindigo91]

It's completely within culture, we are a mid thirties, childless (by choice) couple. I agree that the choking thing is wrong and the only act of personal violence in 13 years.

 

He choked you so hard that he left a mark and you are excusing that and filing it away under "it is within culture"???????? I don't know what culture you subscribe to, but no modern day culture that I know of accepts this as a norm. That's check number one.

 

Check number two, your whole post tells me that you have already made the decision deep down that you do not want to be with your husband any longer. Your gut tells you that this is so, your head is scared of the change. I'll tell you, leaving will not be easy. Breaking up your marriage is going to suck, a lot. But if your gut tells you that's what you need to do and you won't be happy otherwise, then you need to do it! You shouldn't stay because you are afraid to make the change. You will be miserable forever if that's the case.

[ThatwasThen]

Not that any type of choking is acceptable behaviour, you don't say why he choked you? Did it have anything to do with these other "people you are finding attractive?"

 

I've lost both my parents and my poor hubby lost both of his within two weeks of one another (one just before Christmas and one just after New Year) and it has, I suppose, made me look at life differently but it didn't make us want to break up with one another.

 

So what is really going on and why, after 13 years of zero violence from your husband did he do that to you? What made him snap?

Can you also clarify what you mean by wanting to try a "Trial Relationship?" Would that trial relationship entail you (and he) being able to date others while you continue to see each other or would it be an exclusive "trial relationship?"