LadyCaCa Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Lately I've had a few (more than 3) ex boyfriends contact me and suggest that we talk/try again. First of all, I find it disturbing and in my experience they ALL come back no matter how bad the breakup. Personally I would never contact anyone ever, when it's over, it's over....depending on the break up. Bad relationships should be left in the past. However....I'm in a position now that I recently broke up with someone (see old posts) and I have a strong feeling that it is the right thing to do to meet with him and talk face to face. The break up happened long distance and I just think we should meet and get closure. I think we're both better off moving on but there was a lot of misunderstanding. Currently one ex has been hounding me for almost two years to meet and work things out, but I never respond. But then I got a message from an ex of 15 years who wants to 'talk'. He has tried over the years, I don't respond. I don't really want to, but I just happen to be visiting the town he lives in. Freaky coincidence considering its on another continent ... Long story. My question is: Is it a good or bad idea to see an ex, especially when the breakup was not on good terms? Why would they want to see me? What purpose will it serve after so long? I really want my recent ex to see me one more time, not to reconcile but to get closure. I think it might be good karma to agree meet these other exes, to show compassion and forgiveness and maybe it will come around. Don't really believe in karma but I am trying to be more positive and forgiving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Lately I've had a few (more than 3) ex boyfriends contact me and suggest that we talk/try again. First of all, I find it disturbing and in my experience they ALL come back no matter how bad the breakup. Personally I would never contact anyone ever, when it's over, it's over....depending on the break up. Bad relationships should be left in the past. However....I'm in a position now that I recently broke up with someone (see old posts) and I have a strong feeling that it is the right thing to do to meet with him and talk face to face. The break up happened long distance and I just think we should meet and get closure. I think we're both better off moving on but there was a lot of misunderstanding. Currently one ex has been hounding me for almost two years to meet and work things out, but I never respond. But then I got a message from an ex of 15 years who wants to 'talk'. He has tried over the years, I don't respond. I don't really want to, but I just happen to be visiting the town he lives in. Freaky coincidence considering its on another continent ... Long story. My question is: Is it a good or bad idea to see an ex, especially when the breakup was not on good terms? Why would they want to see me? What purpose will it serve after so long? I really want my recent ex to see me one more time, not to reconcile but to get closure. I think it might be good karma to agree meet these other exes, to show compassion and forgiveness and maybe it will come around. Don't really believe in karma but I am trying to be more positive and forgiving.That's not how it works. And even if it were, why would you get a positive return for meeting up with guys who want to get back together with you with the almost exclusive intent for it to result in meeting with your most recent ex again? Seems like, should karma exist in the sense you hope, you'd get burned. As far as why these guys reach out, it could be any number of reasons we've got no way of really knowing. Could be horny, could be lonely, could be that they genuinely miss you, or that they feel they've really changed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCaCa Posted September 1, 2016 Author Share Posted September 1, 2016 I have a feeling it's just an ego trip. I cut off communication and the male ego is very fragile and will never accept that. I have no idea what to do. ioj the other hand I know the feeling, maybe they just want to smooth things over. I feel like I'm being excessively y not to just give in. They don't mean me any harm and it's all water under the bridge. They both definitely feel guilty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Backtracking through the black-book is very common, because sex with the ex is easy. So throwing out some "hey how are you? been thinking about you" could result in a hookup a lot more easily than with someone new. However if they were blocked/deleted that would not be happening. There is no such thing as "closure". That is usually an attempt to renegotiate, have the last word or say one's piece,etc. the breakup itself is closure. I have a strong feeling that it is the right thing to do to meet with him and talk face to face. The break up happened long distance and I just think we should meet and get closure. I really want my recent ex to see me one more time, not to reconcile but to get closure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt3939 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 It's extremely rare an ex doesn't contact. I can name 1. So I guess that's normal. I'm like you once it's over its over. Yes there might be setbacks right in the beginning of the breakup though. You broke up for a reason so why bother. Unless it was a good reason. Something you could have lived with. Example abducted by aliens but wasn't sent to a world of Amazonian woman. Or had to move and you both desided it couldn't continue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCaCa Posted September 1, 2016 Author Share Posted September 1, 2016 [quote= There is no such thing as "closure". That is usually an attempt to renegotiate, have the last word or say one's piece,etc. the breakup itself is closure. I disagree. With my recent ex it was no ones fault. I'm over it, but I don't want to feel,like we can't contact each other from time to time. We had many good times, it just didn't work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Has he contacted you? Are you sure he would be interested in the friendzone?I disagree. With my recent ex it was no ones fault. I'm over it, but I don't want to feel,like we can't contact each other from time to time. We had many good times, it just didn't work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gebaird Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I don't think any good can come from opening the channels of communication again. After a break up it's up to each person to find closure on their own. It's good you are working to be more positive and forgiving! But you also want to be smart. The trouble with opening the door on a past relationship is that you never know what's going to be behind it. Better to look forward and not back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCaCa Posted September 1, 2016 Author Share Posted September 1, 2016 I don't think any good can come from opening the channels of communication again. After a break up it's up to each person to find closure on their own. It's good you are working to be more positive and forgiving! But you also want to be smart. The trouble with opening the door on a past relationship is that you never know what's going to be behind it. Better to look forward and not back. Again I disagree. I think shutting people out of your life is immature and being civil is liberating. I know how I feel about these people and I have NO interest in anything physical or romantic. If they want to get in my pants again (because I was probably the best they ever had) that's their problem and it will be funny to watch them fail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gebaird Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 If they want to get in my pants again (because I was probably the best they ever had) that's their problem and it will be funny to watch them fail. At least you're not in any danger of getting back together with them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt3939 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 That is true I know of no ex that would ever want to be sexual ever again. I'd set up 3 or 4 meets all at the same time that way you can get more done. They can help gardening. Or maybe you can all discuss uber. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 "Don't really believe in karma but I am trying to be more positive and forgiving." "If they want to get in my pants again (because I was probably the best they ever had) that's their problem and it will be funny to watch them fail." I don't know, to me these two statements seem to be saying opposite things. If you're trying to be "more positive and forgiving", why would it be "funny" to you to watch them fail? Does that seem "positive and forgiving" to you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCaCa Posted September 1, 2016 Author Share Posted September 1, 2016 At least you're not in any danger of getting back together with them No. Never. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 If you were in a happy secure committed relationship, their attention, contact or friendship would not matter.I think shutting people out of your life is immature and being civil is liberating. I know how I feel about these people and I have NO interest in anything physical or romantic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No1 Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Lady.. If you know your Xs want to 'talk' and try to open doors to try to get back, then why talk to them? If your life is boring and want some fun and X boyfriend drama just to shut them down, then go for it. Have a great time. But do you really want that? I have Xs that Im friends with, I dont want them back in any way and they dont want me back in any capacity so I dont see a problem with being friends with them. Your Xs want to crack a door that is closed. If you want to play the game, then have fun. Otherwise you can tell them, thanks but no thanks. Its easier to stay out of a problem than to get out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 In my experience, exes try to come back because life isn't going so well for them. And none of the new people they're meeting want anything to do with them, so that leaves "Maybe I can get back with so and so, she used to be really into me. Maybe that's still the case." If they were really toxic or nasty to you it also means they're banking on you having forgotten that or excused their actions in their own head, because trust me if you've ever been truly crappy to another human being and you later come to your senses, the last thing you usually want to do or say is a "Hey, let's meet up, been thinking about you." I have yet to have any of my exes contact me with a "Dear Paris, just won the lottery, met the girl of my dreams, have a great job. Been thinking about sharing the wealth here, can we meet so I can give you the money plus interest for all the grief I caused you?" Of course, one can dream.… but nah, ignore and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gypsybird87 Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 My answer is always do whatever will give you personally the most peace. It's not your responsibility to give them "closure" or even a platform to apologize, but if meeting up will give YOU some sort of peace, then I don't see the harm in it. I would however be really clear with them ahead of time: "I'm not interested in trying to rekindle anything between us, but if you'd just like to talk then sure." Hopefully anyone looking to reconnect or get in your pants would back out at that point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 Seeing exes years after bad breakups ... Is it the right thing to do?? Only if you want to waste your time re-learning why you broke up in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 Yes, it's a great idea if: (1) you're detached and there is a good reason to see the person -maybe professional networking potential, for example; (2) you are interested in potentially getting back together and the break up was simply a "right person at the wrong time, now I'm a different person". If that's true and it's years and years ago, sure. As I've posted many times, I met up with an ex after almost 8 years apart (we'd met for one quick dinner 1.5 years prior and otherwise just a few emails a year) - and my reason was all (1) and just to catch up on some mutual friends/colleagues. I think that was mostly his reason too. Sparks flew and since he was visiting my town but had relocated ,that meant long distance for 3 years. We've been married almost 8 years. We were both very different people when we reconnected and that is why it worked -plus we were 100% clear on why we were getting back together, right away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCaCa Posted September 2, 2016 Author Share Posted September 2, 2016 Yes, it's a great idea if: (1) you're detached and there is a good reason to see the person -maybe professional networking potential, for example; (2) you are interested in potentially getting back together and the break up was simply a "right person at the wrong time, now I'm a different person". If that's true and it's years and years ago, sure. As I've posted many times, I met up with an ex after almost 8 years apart (we'd met for one quick dinner 1.5 years prior and otherwise just a few emails a year) - and my reason was all (1) and just to catch up on some mutual friends/colleagues. I think that was mostly his reason too. Sparks flew and since he was visiting my town but had relocated ,that meant long distance for 3 years. We've been married almost 8 years. We were both very different people when we reconnected and that is why it worked -plus we were 100% clear on why we were getting back together, right away. Congratulations, you are very fortunate. I don't want to reconnect, I just want to see him once again and talk face to face. The breakup happened long distance and things were screwed up because of texting and email and not talking. I think this will clear the air. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted September 2, 2016 Share Posted September 2, 2016 As long as you don't think it's risky as far as you wanting him back, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seymore Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 If shutting people out of your life is immature, I'd love to know how "civil" you are with toxic people who stalk you after the breakup. Give me a break. After seeing your whole "it will be funny to see him fail" comment I'm pretty convinced all you're looking for out of this is a power play and ego boost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCaCa Posted September 3, 2016 Author Share Posted September 3, 2016 If shutting people out of your life is immature, I'd love to know how "civil" you are with toxic people who stalk you after the breakup. Give me a break. After seeing your whole "it will be funny to see him fail" comment I'm pretty convinced all you're looking for out of this is a power play and ego boost. Yes that's true I admit. If someone stalks me that's different. I won't engage with them in that case. As far as toxic, that's my whole dilemma. The relationship was toxic and I think it takes two. Just a bad mix. It MIGHT be possible to have a relationship on another level. They seem to want it, personally I don't see the point, but that's why I'm asking. I've been known to be very unforgiving and maybe it could be good for both people. After all there was SOME attraction. As far as the 'failure' comment... I should clarify, if their only reason for contacting me is for sex, then yes.... It would give me great satisfaction to shut them down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 I don't see the point, but that's why I'm asking. I've been known to be very unforgiving and maybe it could be good for both people. It's practical to forgive loving people who have made a mistake. It's not practical to overlook the fact that someone is just plain toxic for you. With millions of people in the world, what's to be gained by the stagnation of trying to turn a bad match into a good one? We never get any wasted time back to live over again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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