Initiating NC with a girl I love

[John223]

Hey guys, I'm new here and so I thought I'd share my rollercoaster year with you all and hopefully get some advice!

 

So I've just finished year 13 (sixth form in the UK) and I was basically with this girl who I really love who was in the same school but two years below.

 

We took things slowly and were practically seeing each for about 7 months until we decided to make it official and put a title on it in April where I bought her flowers and everything, which is something I have NEVER done for any girl before. This girl was different, it's almost like we are soul mates, our personalities are quite different but since day 1 we had that natural connection...I know that may sound cliché!

 

This girl is a real guys girl,so she has a lot of male friends which I was ok with apart from a few of them, mainly because some of them where my mates and I knew how snakey they were when it came to dealing with girls, they'd be prepared to screw another guy over just for a girl.

 

To cut the long story short, I never didn't trust her but I learned to get the balance right between not caring at all and not being overprotective...besides whenever she saw me with another female friend or even if I talked to her friends, she'd get upset and I'd spend time and effort convincing her that the only girl I wanted was her.

 

One day I went to see her and we were on her phone and two text messages came up from two boys who I didn't particularly like texting her, I smiled to myself and kept quiet but she felt the urge to force me into commenting on it and I told her straight up I didn't like it because I know what they're capable of which led to a massive argument and her telling me "I never asked for your permission to talk to them" which got me so mad because I was working so hard to get the balance in between not being overprotective and not caring at all and my anger led to silence.

 

Despite a three day effort to repair the relationship, she had her mind made up and she ended the relationship, which left both of us sat in a kitchen bursting out into tears. Stupidly I didn't initiate the NC rule and we remained rather close but a few days later, one of the boys I was concerned about went to see her offering a shoulder to cry on and as the summer holiday started, I found out that she went to go and see him much to my anger and when I confronted them about it, the boy apologised profusely and said he would step back in order to let her and I sort things out and she left his house the next day. It was such a shock because she was telling me a week before she was confused and she thought she made the wrong decision.

 

The girl and I have had our arguments, falling outs and make ups during the summer but she wants me to be a close friend. Yesterday the boy who she went to see texted me asking for my permission to make advances on her and develop something, which I gave him the friendly go ahead as I have no right to block them but yet she still talks to me everyday and that's happened for a whole year.

 

Now today I have told her that I'm going to take a step back because I don't want to feel like a doormat or just a bit on a side and I'm still unhappy about how quickly this thing they have developed which she doesn't seem to understand and claims she wants me to be a close friend. I explained to her that I'll always be there for her but for now I'm going to take a step back because it makes no sense for me to be the one to give her all the emotional support and then this other lad reaps all the rewards.

 

Do you think there's any chance of reconciliation and am I right to initiate the NC rule finally two months later (I know it's late!) ? I know even if we were to get back together, I'd take it very slowly and make her work for it because I've been so hurt over this whole situation.

[Wiseman2]

Yes, she would rather have a swarm of friendzoned guys around her than date any one in particular. What's with all the 'permission to talk' stuff? Is she being passed around like a borrowed car between all you guys?

"I never asked for your permission to talk to them" she doesn't seem to understand and claims she wants me to be a close friend.

[John223]

Yes, she would rather have a swarm of friendzoned guys around her than date any one in particular. What's with all the 'permission to talk' stuff? Is she being passed around like a borrowed car between all you guys?

 

I never ever stopped her from talking to her male friends, especially knowing she is a girl who gets on better with guys than girls, so when she said it, it made me reach a boiling point as she was implying that I had been controlling over who who she interacts with, which was totally false.

[moodindigo91]

Sounds like a major double standard was in place. So you can't get nervous or upset that she privately texts several guys on a regular basis but she can get overly upset if you even say hello to another girl? Why would you be okay with that?

 

Sounds like she needs male attention and craves it. I think it's a good idea to go NC, and you should just keep it that way. You don't need this stress and drama.

[John223]

Sounds like a major double standard was in place. So you can't get nervous or upset that she privately texts several guys on a regular basis but she can get overly upset if you even say hello to another girl? Why would you be okay with that?

 

Sounds like she needs male attention and craves it. I think it's a good idea to go NC, and you should just keep it that way. You don't need this stress and drama.

 

That was the biggest problem in our relationship, double standards and it drove me nuts!

[moodindigo91]

That was the biggest problem in our relationship, double standards and it drove me nuts!

 

There you go! You are free of those double standards now! Yay! **cheers**

[John223]

There you go! You are free of those double standards now! Yay! **cheers**

 

A few weeks ago she told me that she could understand why I hated the double standards but I don't know what to do now

[ATTS20]

Hey guys, I'm new here and so I thought I'd share my rollercoaster year with you all and hopefully get some advice!

 

So I've just finished year 13 (sixth form in the UK) and I was basically with this girl who I really love who was in the same school but two years below.

 

We took things slowly and were practically seeing each for about 7 months until we decided to make it official and put a title on it in April where I bought her flowers and everything, which is something I have NEVER done for any girl before. This girl was different, it's almost like we are soul mates, our personalities are quite different but since day 1 we had that natural connection...I know that may sound cliché!

 

This girl is a real guys girl,so she has a lot of male friends which I was ok with apart from a few of them, mainly because some of them where my mates and I knew how snakey they were when it came to dealing with girls, they'd be prepared to screw another guy over just for a girl.

 

To cut the long story short, I never didn't trust her but I learned to get the balance right between not caring at all and not being overprotective...besides whenever she saw me with another female friend or even if I talked to her friends, she'd get upset and I'd spend time and effort convincing her that the only girl I wanted was her.

 

One day I went to see her and we were on her phone and two text messages came up from two boys who I didn't particularly like texting her, I smiled to myself and kept quiet but she felt the urge to force me into commenting on it and I told her straight up I didn't like it because I know what they're capable of which led to a massive argument and her telling me "I never asked for your permission to talk to them" which got me so mad because I was working so hard to get the balance in between not being overprotective and not caring at all and my anger led to silence.

 

Despite a three day effort to repair the relationship, she had her mind made up and she ended the relationship, which left both of us sat in a kitchen bursting out into tears. Stupidly I didn't initiate the NC rule and we remained rather close but a few days later, one of the boys I was concerned about went to see her offering a shoulder to cry on and as the summer holiday started, I found out that she went to go and see him much to my anger and when I confronted them about it, the boy apologised profusely and said he would step back in order to let her and I sort things out and she left his house the next day. It was such a shock because she was telling me a week before she was confused and she thought she made the wrong decision.

 

The girl and I have had our arguments, falling outs and make ups during the summer but she wants me to be a close friend. Yesterday the boy who she went to see texted me asking for my permission to make advances on her and develop something, which I gave him the friendly go ahead as I have no right to block them but yet she still talks to me everyday and that's happened for a whole year.

 

Now today I have told her that I'm going to take a step back because I don't want to feel like a doormat or just a bit on a side and I'm still unhappy about how quickly this thing they have developed which she doesn't seem to understand and claims she wants me to be a close friend. I explained to her that I'll always be there for her but for now I'm going to take a step back because it makes no sense for me to be the one to give her all the emotional support and then this other lad reaps all the rewards.

 

Do you think there's any chance of reconciliation and am I right to initiate the NC rule finally two months later (I know it's late!) ? I know even if we were to get back together, I'd take it very slowly and make her work for it because I've been so hurt over this whole situation.

 

John, I didn't even finish reading your post; I'm deeply disappointed with your lack of any form of a backbone, which is the ONLY reason your girl broke up with you in the first place. To top it off, you gave permission for a guy to start dating the girl you love? is wrong with you? Where is your masculine core? Is your self esteem that low that you give another dude the nod to go bang your girl?

 

And where in the 13 grades you've completed in school did you get your license to be an emotional therapist for a girl that told you to take a hike? John, in life you only get treated the way you want, and based on everything you've written, you've given your girl permission to use you as a doormat, a therapist, and basically a gay male friend. You're better than that. What you should have done from the beginning when she dumped you is to walk away and never look back!

 

Then, when she reached out to you, you should have made a definite date. Instead you chose to be weak and be her male girlfriend, which lowered her respect for you! To top it off you had some dude call you to ask for your permission to bang your girl. I'm appalled at your lack of self confidence.

 

Please for the love of all things sacred, DO NOT DATE AGAIN, until you resolve your insecurity and low-self esteem issues. The good news is you sound young, and you'll learn, but this behavior of yours is unacceptable and will haunt you the rest of your life if you don't make an immediate change starting now!

 

DO NOT BE A DOORMAT. DO NOT BE A ROMANTIC INTEREST'S BEST FRIEND. DO NOT GIVE OTHER MEN PERMISSION TO BANG THE WOMAN YOU WANT. NOT TODAY, NOT TOMORROW, and NOT IN 15 YEARS.

 

Good luck

[moodindigo91]

A few weeks ago she told me that she could understand why I hated the double standards but I don't know what to do now

 

You do nothing, you're done with it. Just move on.