Honesty

[Matt3939]

I try not to think about my last relationship but a resent thread got me to thinking of something me and my ex used to fight about.

 

She said couples have complete and total honesty. I disagreed I said people have secrets. There is at least some things u wouldn't readily bring up unless asked. I want to know what others think about that statment.

 

My ex was very insecure thinking I was always doing something. Mostly cheating. She got burned before so she said. I'll spare you the details I brought some up in my other posts. I agreed to total honesty I thought it would save our relationship. I sat her down I told her everything. I do mean everything sexual I have ever done. Wasnt much lol haven't been with many people usually longer relationships. BTW she used this information against me for years after. I was also completely honest with everything else. It was like those religious people on game of thrones. Example She would ask do you think so and so is better looking? I'd tell her the truth. I'd tell her the absolute truth about everything if I was mad I wouldn't lessen it it say exactly why. I realized this was a move but I said I was going to do this and I stuck to it in every situation. It was actually very liberating. I doubt anyone can truly say they have done that but I could be wrong.

[Ms Darcy]

She said couples have complete and total honesty. I disagreed I said people have secrets.

 

I think you were both wrong, if it makes you feel any better.

 

The distinction for me is that as a couple you become interdependent. You are not completely independent, but not co-dependence. You as individuals have a right to privacy around things that wouldn't hurt the relationship currently (like details of sexual exploits).

 

I suspect in your case she threw those things back at you later because a) she couldn't really "handle the truth" as Jack Nicholson would say and b) she had built up anger with you about other stuff.

[Wiseman2]

hmm. I disagree with her. I think TMI can be damaging so can unfiltered words. A two year old does that. People have diplomacy and filters precisely to socially interact smoothly and with consideration. People also have a million thoughts day not all of which are or should be articulated. Communication and honesty is about sincerity and intent, not 'letting it all hang out"...Not a fan of that trend.

[ParisPaulette]

Huge difference between honesty and Too Much Information. Also real honesty and "forced" honesty.

 

Insecure and/or jealous and controlling people use "honesty" and control mechanism, which frankly sounds like what this was. It becomes one of those "you have to answer one way or the other" and either way you can't win.

 

Yes, honesty is important. It's important about the big things and the little things if it's something that has to do with making the relationship go smoothly and keeping you both together and moving towards the same goals. Honesty is you tell your girlfriend you have to work late and you really do have to work late. Honesty is you don't accept that female coworker's offer to 'text her late at night wink win' and you stick to that. Honesty is in telling your partner the things they need to know as well - you got fired from your job, you love her, the car has a funny engine noise and probably needs to be looked at.

 

What you don't do, and really the TMI thing is usually designed to hurt or control people, is the sort of "honesty" that is a no-win that makes people feel bad. "Oh god, that haircut is horrible. Nope, you are not better in bed than my ex was, yes your newborn nephew does look like a turnip, no wait, an alien that's it, he looks like a little alien. Poor kid."

 

That kind of honesty is brutal and it's designed to knock someone down, because it's hurtful, never needed to be said in the first place, and often is just one's own personal opinion which may or may not be right to begin with. I'm just going to tell you if you get into yes, situations like the religious guys on GOT you have serious problems. If someone is thought policing you then it's time to tell them to cut it out, and they need to go find someone else to run that on. Because that's a game no one wins.

 

So yes, real honesty is important. The "I must know every single thought inside your head," is a psychological game designed to pretty much keep you under control. And there is such a difference between the two you can't even really call the second one honesty. It's more of a "I have a loaded gun of one sort or another pointed at you and you had better tell me what I want to hear, but then I'll pistol whip you anyways no matter what you say" variety.

 

And that, the only way you win, is to walk away. And don't look back.

[Matt3939]

Mind you remember I mean giving somone all information. Emails user names bank accounts detailed phone records. All names about people you have ever been with or friends. She knew more about my ex's then I did. She followed them I had NC with any of them after we broke it off. I know over all it was the wrong thing to do but I was so frustrated for years.

 

What I mean with throw it back in my face. I worked in Germany for about a year, years before her. I went to 2 strip clubs with coworkers. I never went to 1 alone. Looked at woman from the bar. In 40 years went 4 times always with people. So she took my user names changed them all around. Found some guy on some hooker review website. Absolutly convinced it was me. Called me histerical that she had proof. I knew she didn't cause it didn't happened so I finally got it out of her. Her proof was that I used (/) in one of my match emails with her before we met and the guy used it in his review and that this lady was German.

 

The funny thing is when it really comes down to it. I have no idea most things about her she never brought up anything. I find that funny now.

 

BTW I posted another thread about my ex boss cheating on her husband. I told this lady all this the only person I confided in. She said oh she told her husband everything they had complete honesty. Yeah well look at how that turned out.

 

She would also ask me why I was happy at times. Said i was up to no good. Maybe cause I didn't hear how bad I was for 20 minutes. Well she started being super nice to me. I was so happy no cheating talk. Well it came to be she was cheating. Called me to tell me please come over I think I have a disease. Yeah ok like I'll ever touch or look at you again in the same way.

[jujusamples]

I think you need to stop living in the past. It's an ex, why do you think it didn't work out? TMI is not always good. Like I would never tell someone something that I know would hurt their feelings. I don't believe a couple should HAVE to tell each other everything. Yes, there's a difference between honestly and saying too much. Not always necessary. I'm the type of person that if I ask, "what time it is"? I want to know just that, I don't need to know how the clock is built. I agree with wisemen2 on this;

 

Communication and honesty is about sincerity and intent, not 'letting it all hang out"...Not a fan of that trend.

[catfeeder]

She said couples have complete and total honesty. I disagreed I said people have secrets.

 

There's a lot of real estate between these two extremes. Successful people use discretion in what they say to people. It's just as true in relationships as it is in the workplace or anywhere else.

 

It makes no sense to dump our sexual history on anyone beyond the results of an STD test. Allowing someone to know how many marriages or serious LTR's we've had is standard info, but anything sexual about those relationships is not only irrelevant, but potentially harmful--especially when dealing with someone who's too traumatized by their own past to have a healthy relationship with you in the first place.

 

Our job as partners isn't to play therapist or to use a partner as one. If you find yourself with someone who asks inappropriate stuff or tries to manipulate or bully information from you, then I would tell that person what I like about them, but I'd suggest that we go our separate ways until they've pursued the kind of help that will curb them of any 'need' to invade your privacy.

[Matt3939]

Ok I do appreciate the responces. I think what I describe is absolutely not healthy and not honesty between two human beings. Every person has a filter. Yes some people blurt out stuff sometimes without thinking. Over all though they do consider the person they are with or themselves.

[Unreasonable]

I agree that honesty is important. However, I also think certain things are better left unsaid. I've verbal diarrhead the truth at my wife multiple times, sometimes unprompted, often with terrible results.

 

Example: You probably should never tell your spouse you don't think they're attractive anymore, even if it's true. Attraction is fluid, but that will never be forgotten or unheard. Also, never give a woman a monologue on why you think porn is okay and she should get over it. Even if she asks you what your honest opinion on it is.

 

God I cringe at how stupid I've been sometimes.

[ParisPaulette]

Mind you remember I mean giving somone all information. Emails user names bank accounts detailed phone records. All names about people you have ever been with or friends. She knew more about my ex's then I did. She followed them I had NC with any of them after we broke it off. I know over all it was the wrong thing to do but I was so frustrated for years.

 

This ^^^^ is called controlling someone. That's not honesty. That's congratulations you're dating your mom/dad/parole officer.

 

You may as well pee into a cup every day, so they can drug test you.

 

It is time to run as far and fast away as you CAN then.

 

It's also crazy, and I do not use that word lightly, that's just plain flat this person has no life outside of controlling you. It's called being in an abusive relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry but that is sheer insanity like stripping someone of their humanity like a prisoner who has no privacy or rights. The irony is you can't assuage paranoia with facts or any amount of honesty.

Mind you remember I mean giving somone all information. Emails user names bank accounts detailed phone records. All names about people you have ever been with or friends.

[catfeeder]

Ok I do appreciate the responces. I think what I describe is absolutely not healthy and not honesty between two human beings. Every person has a filter. Yes some people blurt out stuff sometimes without thinking. Over all though they do consider the person they are with or themselves.

 

Anyone who is accusatory toward your level of honesty is already locked and loaded to find fault with anything you say or do. The only reasonable response to that is to exit and allow whusurname to quit frothing and learn that you won't tolerate an inquisition--ever.

 

The thing to observe about this mistake is that there would never be any answers that would ever satisfied such a person. She's a bottomless pit, and no human being can fill or fulfill one of those. That needs to be an inside job between her and her therapist.

 

So rather than participate in a war you can only lose, rise above the battlefield and exit the scene. Immediately.