One wild night with a co-worker...

[Ivegonemad]

I'll try to make this to the point! And please don't judge. If you're here to call me a dirty name, just know that it's not going to phase me. I'm a feminist at heart and I believe women have needs too!!!

 

Alright, so I started this new job a few months ago. The guy who is my on going trainer is my age, and I find him really attractive. He's my superior in the job role, I'm technically his assistant. The people in the office regularly go out and drink together, and I got invited. I sat next to him, we talked and flirted all night, and I drank WAY more than I normally do. Towards the end of the evening we ended up alone and I don't remember exactly how the conversation lead us there, but I admitted to him that I find him pretty much irresistible. I think he agreed? This is where my memory starts to get really fuzzy. In what seemed like whirlwind we took off in his car and went into an abandoned office building that he happened to have keys to somehow? We had what I can only remember to be pretty rough but enjoyable sex, made out a bit, and I remember getting slapped on the bum pretty hard, which I didn't mind. Without going into a lot of detail, I can just say it's something I won't soon forget, and I was amazed that a guy so quiet and nice took charge sexually and that just makes me all the more attracted to him. Afterwards I remember getting back in his car, we smoked a cigarette, and he was saying we were going to get fired, then that we still had to work together, and then suggested going to our office to do it again there. To which I told him no. I remember him playing music really loud, seeming super pumped. But what guy wouldn't be I guess lol. I left when we got back to the bar. I don't remember the last thing we said to one another and it freaks me out, I'm hoping I didn't go off the deep end and tell him I love him or something nuts.

 

The next day at work I couldn't believe that what had happened actually did, but his handprint on my ass was irrefutable proof. He made a special stop by my desk to say good morning. He came over several times during the day to talk about not very relevant work stuff, made solid eye contact and only looked away to randomly smile super huge. It should have been so awkward, but it wasn't. Before the weekend came he stopped by and asked what my plans where, looked at the pics of my daughter hanging on my desk, and just seemed to linger around a bit more than normal. Everytime I saw him in the hall he smiled the biggest smile I've ever seen on him.

 

So here's the clincher... We are all going away together in 2 weeks for a getaway at a coworkers summer home. I feel like I should know what's going on with us before we go so I don't go there with some weird expectations and then wind up disappointed. I never have had a chance to talk to him about it though, I don't even know how to bring it up. And it's especially embarrassing bc I don't know what exactly went down. I really like this guy. He told me all about the names he has picked out for his future kids, asked all about my religious beliefs and idk. Before we lost control of the situation it was like the best date I have ever been on. We really seemed to click. I'm aware that guys will say anything to get into a chicks pants. I'm probably an idiot for thinking this, but it just seemed genuine from him. Idk.

 

So my question is, do I bring it up somehow before we go to this thing? Or do I just keep acting like nothing happened and make myself sick with curiosity? I feel like he's waiting for me to make some kind of move or something since I am pretty freshly single. And I'm not really trying to date anyone right now, but I'm just really curious as to where we stand! For future reference lol! Ugh! I just don't know what to do. Not to mention it's hard to focus on work when I have like, sexual flashbacks of my time with him. I suppose this is why you SHOULD NOT get involved with a coworker. But it's just so dangerous and "mad men" esque that I can't help but find it super appealing. PLEASE HELP!!!

[gebaird]

I'd definitely talk to him before the retreat if you get a chance. Be honest -- tell him it was a great experience but you don't remember all of it and want him to fill in some of the blanks for you.

 

I'd keep very quiet about the relationship at the office! Hopefully his interest in you is genuine and not just physical.

[Capricorn3]

I can't help but get the impression that he's happy he scored and will take what he can get. I don't think he's interested in anything more than that, so, I guess as long as you give, he'll take (imo). Only way to find out is to talk to him about it to find out exactly where you stand.

 

I suppose this is why you SHOULD NOT get involved with a coworker.

 

I would agree with that.

[miami]

"If you're here to call me a dirty name, just know that it's not going to phase me. I'm a feminist at heart and I believe women have needs too!!!"

 

is quite inconsistent with

 

"do I bring it up somehow before we go to this thing? Or do I just keep acting like nothing happened...PLEASE HELP!!!"

 

You sound like every "tough cookie" girl that has bought into the BS of how empowering it is for women to have an aggressive "man's" sex life, only to find herself pining for a meaningful 1-on-1 relationship in the end (like the rest of them). Stop kidding yourself, feminists are the ones who fight the stigma created by women who spread their legs open to their boss in the workplace and lose all professional credibility for doing so. This is not a Hugh Grant movie or the Mad Men TV Show. Save yourself the trouble and embarrassment of asking him "where do we stand" since you already know perfectly well the answer to that question. My advice would be to find another job and take whatever shreds of dignity you have left to a new work environment where you will hopefully have learned the reason you don't fish off the company pier. Not being judgmental by the way...just frustrated when I see otherwise intelligent people stepping in a big pile of it.

[boltnrun]

I hope that #1. he wore a condom, because if he's the type of guy to have spontaneous sex, he might have something (and yes, he is the type because he did it!) and #2. you know for sure he's totally single and doesn't have a girlfriend or a wife and baby at home or something, because you can't just assume.

 

As for how to "handle" it, are you hoping for a repeat? Because he's probably down for that unless he has his eye on another coworker that weekend.

[SherrySher]

You said so yourself that you're not ready to date..what exactly are you looking for then? I'm not trying to be a jerk either but the one poster does have a point if you're going to be all stance strong on freedom to have casual sex and no guilt over it...why now turn into a needy woman who wants answers as to what it meant or where it's going?

Point blank though..this won't be good for your work environment and it just seems too messy.

[greta96]

Are both of you single?

[ThatwasThen]

You want to know where you stand after one night of drunken sex? Sister just assume you don't "stand" anywhere and if it happens again that you get drunk which fuels your otherwise non existent confidence in these matters then just exercise your "feminist" rights without ANY expectations.

[Matt3939]

It's pretty simple a woman came on to a man and an hr later he is inside her. Why wonder anything else?

[SoulTaker]

I'll try to make this to the point! And please don't judge. If you're here to call me a dirty name, just know that it's not going to phase me. I'm a feminist at heart and I believe women have needs too!!!

 

I suppose this is why you SHOULD NOT get involved with a coworker. But it's just so dangerous and "mad men" esque that I can't help but find it super appealing. PLEASE HELP!!!

 

You ask that we don't judge you on the stupidity of your actions, but only respond to the results of that stupidity. That makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? You need a dose of reality. You're not involved with a co-worker. You are involved with your supervisor. You are a new worker, and you're already causing issues.

 

You came there to work, so concentrate on your job, or you'll be without one. And don't think that the other workers don't know what's going on. Don't compound one stupid way of thinking, with another. Just tell him that it was "out of character". That you value your job, and it won't happen again. Thousands of people looking for a job, and you're trying to screw your way out of one.

[Wiseman2]

It was just a great drunken hookup, there's no need to have a 'relationship talk'. A lot of freshly single people get into wild-and-crazy mode for a while. The only complication is working with him keeping it professional and not catching feelings.

 

No, do not mention this adventure at the office, if you want to continue to hookup, fine, if not that's fine too. There's nothing to talk about because he probably doesn't remember any more than you do, except he came to work with a big grin the next day from a great hookup.

do I just keep acting like nothing happened. I am pretty freshly single. And I'm not really trying to date anyone right now

[Ivegonemad]

It was just a great drunken hookup, there's no need to have a 'relationship talk'...There's nothing to talk about because he probably doesn't remember any more than you do, except he came to work with a big grin the next day from a great hookup.

 

Thank you Wiseman2. I think this is the best advice yet, and thanks for not passing judgment and assuming I don't give a about my job.

 

I don't really want to have any "relationship talk" with him, but more or less just reiterate the same thing you said... Just let him know it was fun, but there's no pressure so things needn't be awkward. It is what it is. I'm just worried that he may think I want something more when in reality it's way too soon for any of that . I'm assuming at this point I'm just gonna let it go. Maybe at some point we will be out, outside of work, and we can just kind of laugh about our crazy night. I think that's all I want.

[PrettyPalmTree]

Maybe you're curious if he's interested in dating as well from how you two were talking before you hooked up, as if it was "the best date ever"? I can see why you'd be wondering if that's the case. But then you said you're not looking to date so...but maybe you're just wondering for his sake?

[HeartGoesOn]

And I'm not really trying to date anyone right now, but I'm just really curious as to where we stand!

 

You had a one night stand with a near stranger, nothing more, nothing less. The time to ask where you stand, is after dating one another for a fair amount of time, (imo).

[Ivegonemad]

Maybe you're curious if he's interested in dating as well from how you two were talking before you hooked up, as if it was "the best date ever"? I can see why you'd be wondering if that's the case.

 

To be absolutely honest... A bit. I'm sure I'll be chastised for saying that. But I'm coming off of an almost 6 year relationship, which is for all intents and purposes a divorce. Child, apartment, lots of tragedy my ex and I had gone through together. The issue was, it all made me mature very fast and take on a parenting role. I busted my ass to get a better job, I got a place for us, I paid almost all the bills. My ex didn't step up much, and forgot birthdays, anniversaries, and left me feeling neglected. He and I talked about that. For a long while. He asked me questions that seemed really personal to ask of someone if you've no interest in them. Do you plan on having more kids? What are your religious views? He went on about how smart he thinks I am, and I can't remember all of it, like I said, but I'm not the type to typically do something so rash and wild. So he was either being very genuine or very, very good at the game. I enjoyed our conversation, and seeing him light up talking about his nephew was adorable. I could see potential there... If what happened hadn't. I can't say this thing hasn't happened ever though, I mean people get drunk and hook up, they become friends. That's really what I want I think? To be friends with him. I just don't know how to pursue that anymore. It just sucks because I KNOW there was a conversation we had afterwards... But I can't remember what was said for my life. And I think that's what's driving me the most insane right now. Just wondering what was said.

[greta96]

Why are you wondering what was said? It was a night of drunken sex, and whatever was said didn't mean much anyway (if he even remembers what was said).

Had you seen him go to great lengths to avoid you the day after, or make a cross sign every time he bumped into you, then yes, I wouldn't blame you for wondering what was said, but this is clearly not the case, he seems just fine, so you can safely assume nothing was said that you should be (overly) embarrassed about.

 

Carry on the same way you've been before the hookup and let time decide what happens. You don't need to do anything specific, there is no need for some deep conversation. As long as you are both single, things will fall into place one way or another. By the looks of it it was just sex to him, not a date by any stretch of the imagination, and it may repeat itself (most likely), or it may not. It may stay only sexual (most likely), it may not. Fretting about it won't help one bit.

Just be patient and see what happens.

[Sportster2005]

Having needs and being a feminist isn't a license to exercise poor judgement. If this man is superior, the only thing I will call you is naive.

 

Dangerous and mad man esque?? Maybe losing a couple of jobs will cure you of your desire for drama.

[Wiseman2]

I would lay back, be professional at work and if he asks you out on a real date, then you'll know. If all you can handle right now is hookups or fwb that's fine too as long as work doesn't get uncomfortable for you. However if he is looking for dating and you are not, he may move on.

I mean people get drunk and hook up, they become friends. That's really what I want I think? To be friends with him. I just don't know how to pursue that anymore.