What should I do?

[betsybeth]

Hi!

 

I am in a situation where I am so confused.

Long story short - I've been with my bf for nine years. A year ago I had enough of his party lifestyle. I've always been that gf that gives him space and freedom to do whatever, with of course boundaries like no cheating and violent behavior. My bf has always been nice, but just thinking mostly about himself first and not the relationship.

 

Anyways, as I said, I got sick of his partylifestyle and how he was with other women- you know - a bit flirty, making me feel unwanted. So I told him that things had to change in order for me to keep this going. That he also has to give this relationship his full attention, or at least 70% and not 40/50% as it was. It's been a year now - with several ups and downs. He keeps on partying, not as often as before but still more than I want, yet he is telling me he wants to quit and start a new lifestyle with me. Start thinking about children, setteling down, travel more etc. We are almost 30.

 

My problem is that he is saying all the right things, and he his the greatest bf when he really wants to or if he is feeling guilty. He keeps on promising me a wonderful life - and he is really trying. Just not enough I guess. Cos I keep on getting hurt. Not big mistakes, but small things like he says he is not drinking that night and yet he does. Or that he comes home later than he says when he is out with friends drinking. I mean, sure he is supposed to be with his friends, thats healthy, but in the weekend its almost all about drinking. And then it will be two/three weeks where he is "the best bf ever". That makes me so happy, and it makes me belive we can do this. And almost every time I think that, I get hurt.

 

When he makes the mistakes he takes full responsebility, and promise to make it better and that he will not do it again. He get so so sad. And I do not know anymore when to get really angry - I feel like I am waiting for that one BIG mistake - like cheating - so then I will have "a real" reason to leave him. Because its really hard for me to just leave him - I always feel I need to give him another chance because I really feel that he wants this - that he loves me. But he really cant make it happen - not in the way I want to.

 

And then I get unsecure - do I expect to much? Is he really capable to change? And how to I know when to get out? Specially when he really wants us to be togheter. I think it so hard to just leave. I am so afraid I will regret because I know how good he can be - I really do - its just that it is not constant.

[abitbroken]

You both want different things. Even if he wants it too, he is not there in life.

 

Its unreasonable to get on him for coming home an hour late than he says. You are not his mother. But what is troubling is the activities that he chooses to participate in. he is not out shooting hoops or playing soccer with the guys, or even going to watch the game or play cards. Or doing a toys for tots drive. he is "out drinking". Are you sure that he doesn't have an alcohol problem? Its not like its once in awhile. Do you ever socialize together with other couples as a couple?

 

Traveling more is not something you talk about doing - you just plan to do it. If you haven't planned a trip at this point - its not a priority for either of you. usualyl "traveling and settling down" aren't a matched pair together. You either globe trot - together or separate - or you settle down and just occasionally travel.

 

I am thinking that he really doesn't want what you want. he wants to keep up with his buddies.

 

Honestly, do you really want my opinion? If you have been together 9 years - and they are adult years, not "we have been together 9 years starting in middle school" - I would leave the relationship. if after 9 years there is no proposing, making a way towards wanting to pair up/start a family, then its not going to happen.

 

Maybe years from now, he will want that - and then will seek a wife at that point.

 

But for you - i wouldn't waste your time - not one more day. Break it off. Do some healing and find a marriage minded man. You can find someone who likes to travel, but is grown up from destructive behaviors or never partook and would love to find a great woman.

[Wiseman2]

That is a very long time to be strung along. What you see is what you get. Unfortunately, he does not want to change and you can't fix him.

I've been with my bf for nine years. - I always feel I need to give him another chance because I really feel that he wants this - that he loves me.

[betsybeth]

You both want different things. Even if he wants it too, he is not there in life.

 

Its unreasonable to get on him for coming home an hour late than he says. You are not his mother. But what is troubling is the activities that he chooses to participate in. he is not out shooting hoops or playing soccer with the guys, or even going to watch the game or play cards. Or doing a toys for tots drive. he is "out drinking". Are you sure that he doesn't have an alcohol problem? Its not like its once in awhile. Do you ever socialize together with other couples as a couple?

 

Traveling more is not something you talk about doing - you just plan to do it. If you haven't planned a trip at this point - its not a priority for either of you. usualyl "traveling and settling down" aren't a matched pair together. You either globe trot - together or separate - or you settle down and just occasionally travel.

 

I am thinking that he really doesn't want what you want. he wants to keep up with his buddies.

 

Honestly, do you really want my opinion? If you have been together 9 years - and they are adult years, not "we have been together 9 years starting in middle school" - I would leave the relationship. if after 9 years there is no proposing, making a way towards wanting to pair up/start a family, then its not going to happen.

 

Maybe years from now, he will want that - and then will seek a wife at that point.

 

But for you - i wouldn't waste your time - not one more day. Break it off. Do some healing and find a marriage minded man. You can find someone who likes to travel, but is grown up from destructive behaviors or never partook and would love to find a great woman.

 

Thank you for your answer. I am sure he does not have a drinking problem - my father is an alcoholic. And it is just not the same. Its more that he chooses to be with his friends as you say. We hardly never go out together with other couples - but we often go out for dinners or a movie just the two of us.

 

I know - and thats why I told him that I wanted a change in the relationship. I guess we want different things. I am so ready to get married etc., but I now feel like he is just not that into it. Its just hard not to belive him when he says he really is - I just have to give him some time to change...

[betsybeth]

Its only been for the last two years I've been giving him chances to make things differently.. What I see is someone that tries to make things better for a period, and then he makes hurtfull mistakes.. It kind of makes me feel dragged between what to belive - doea he really og does he really not want this?

[gebaird]

Actions speak louder than words. Talking about a far off future but never making changes in the present sends a pretty clear message to me. Two years is plenty of time to demonstrate the changes you are wanting to see. I'd say let him go, but you don't seem ready for that step. However, you may find yourself in this same situation two years from now if you don't do something. Honestly when I started reading your post I was thinking you were talking about someone in his early 20s. This has been going on for a long time, and if you think he's really going to settle down I think you're deluding yourself. Perhaps you're dating Peter Pan, the boy who refused to grow up ...

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, I have to agree with this 6636103]Perhaps you're dating Peter Pan, the boy who refused to grow up ...

]

[DancingFool]

Its only been for the last two years I've been giving him chances to make things differently.. What I see is someone that tries to make things better for a period, and then he makes hurtfull mistakes.. It kind of makes me feel dragged between what to belive - doea he really og does he really not want this?

 

The problem is that you know who he is and you are demanding that he change and become someone else. The truth is that you two are simply very different people, have very different goals and desires in life and YOU have been wasting your time waiting on him to become someone YOU want him to be, probably hoping that he will "grow up" and this is on you and really wrong of you.

 

He IS NOT broken. He just chooses to live his life differently from how you envision your life. So it makes you and him opposites and incompatible. It's as simple as that.

 

I am friends with several couples - they are happily married, they have children and they are also active party animals. They race boats on weekends, there is a wild drunken party at their house just about every other weekend, etc. They are a blast to have as friends. At the same time, their kids are well provided for, have perfect manners, go to top schools and are well grounded. On party weekends, they get sent over to visit the grandparents so they are not exposed to mom and dad's adult parties and drunken escapades. Their marriages are happy and solid BECAUSE they are alike and see completely eye to eye on the lifestyle they want to lead, the life they want to have and how to manage themselves and their children. Nobody is trying to play "parent" and tell the other to grow up, stop partying, be an adult, etc. Neither person is patronizing the other or waiting on the other to change. They are similar in fundamental ways and that's what makes their marriage and their life work. Food for thought for you.

[betsybeth]

The problem is that you know who he is and you are demanding that he change and become someone else. The truth is that you two are simply very different people, have very different goals and desires in life and YOU have been wasting your time waiting on him to become someone YOU want him to be, probably hoping that he will "grow up" and this is on you and really wrong of you.

 

He IS NOT broken. He just chooses to live his life differently from how you envision your life. So it makes you and him opposites and incompatible. It's as simple as that.

 

I am friends with several couples - they are happily married, they have children and they are also active party animals. They race boats on weekends, there is a wild drunken party at their house just about every other weekend, etc. They are a blast to have as friends. At the same time, their kids are well provided for, have perfect manners, go to top schools and are well grounded. On party weekends, they get sent over to visit the grandparents so they are not exposed to mom and dad's adult parties and drunken escapades. Their marriages are happy and solid BECAUSE they are alike and see completely eye to eye on the lifestyle they want to lead, the life they want to have and how to manage themselves and their children. Nobody is trying to play "parent" and tell the other to grow up, stop partying, be an adult, etc. Neither person is patronizing the other or waiting on the other to change. They are similar in fundamental ways and that's what makes their marriage and their life work. Food for thought for you.

 

I know!! I completly know what you mean, what all of you mean. Deep inside I feel like I am waisting my time - yes. But how to I break up with someone who really dosn't want to break up. He is gonna be so sad and I do not know what to say! I hate that I have to leave him, cause I do really want this to work - but not in the way it had been. It needs to be different. So how do I do this?

 

Thank you all for wise words!!