What would you do

[ThisGuyToday]

I have been dating a widow for close to two years now. For the most part we are happy. I do as much as I can for her and her children, and treat them like my own. I am always there for them and do my best to try and be that guy. And I can honestly say that I do love them. But the kicker is, she does not love me. And I know this because she has told me so on more than one occassion. She says she does not think she could ever love me as that would be a betrayal to her late husband who she loved so much. And I get that, I understand that a lot of widowers have a hard time moving on. He was only 30 when he passed from cancer, and she was only 32. Now she is 35, and it has been only a few years. And she holds her self back quite a bit, she does not post about me...ever. I don't exist on her online world, and only those in her inner circle know who I am. Others just think I am a friend, as that is how she introduces me. She says people would not understand and judge her for moving on to soon, or she feels like it would be disrespectful to her late husbands family. Family I might add that onl speaks to her on special occasions and that is it.

 

And I try to understand, she is a widower and it is different than being divorced. Her marraige did not fall apart, it ended tragically. And it is only facebook right, why should it matter if she never posts a picture of us or me. But there are days I would like that recognition. I have built her kids play structure, taken them for halloween outfits when she was sick, read to them, cooked them meals, made their breakfasts. Taken them on trips and outings and walks and to events. I cuddle them when they are sick, and run and get them medicine when they need it. I do everything a husband/father would do normally. But I don't get any recognition for that outside of her telling me in private "I am appreciated". I get the occasional "Maybe I miss you" when I ask if she misses me, and once in a blue moon I may get an "xo" in a facebook message. Each year she writes these amazing blogs to her late husband on special anniversaries telling the world how much she misses him and loved him and how she wishes he was still her. And I know I should not feel jealous about that but I do, since I am the guy who is here now, and the one that just carried and tucked his kids into bed and read them a story and the one that cooked them supper and made their snack. And did his best to show her how much she is loved by me.

 

So what would you do, would you stay in a relationship that was essentially one sided, or would you go. Would the knowlege that you loved that person and her kids be enough, even though you know they will never say "I love you" to you. Would you stick around in the hopes that maybe one day that will change, even though she has said it may never change. I like many people want to hear those words, I don't want to feel like I have one foot out the door at all times. But that is what I am currently living with and I am starting to wonder if that is enough.

[Hermes]

And well you know it isn't, ThisGuy.

 

"I am starting to wonder if that is enough."

 

You say yourself, "she introduces you as a friend". And that is what you are. Her late husband is ever-present in her life, and how long that will last remains to be seen.

 

You are not just a "friend" you are a very useful combination of unwaged Mrs. Doubtfire, housekeeper, general dogsbody. Of course you are "appreciated". Who wouldn't appreciate an efficient home help!!!

 

"But the kicker is, she does not love me. And I know this because she has told me so on more than one occassion. She says she does not think she could ever love me as that would be a betrayal to her late husband who she loved so much"

 

 

She is telling you the truth. And in reply to your question, no I would not stay in that kind of relationship (probably wouldn't have got into from the get go anyhow).

Sticking around with these vain hopes will prove damaging to you. You can and will find a woman who loves you as you love her.

[Wiseman2]

Even though it has been over three years she is clearly not ready for a relationship. Her stating she will never love you is a slap in the face. She is keeping you a secret, using excuses to use you and refuses to acknowledge you.

 

Unfortunately you need to end it because she chooses not to heal or open her heart again. If she wants to bury her heart along with her husband that's her problem, not yours.

 

You need to get both feet out the door and find a woman who cares about you, not dismisses you as if you do not exist..

she does not love me. she has told me so on more than one occassion. She says she does not think she could ever love me as that would be a betrayal to her late husband

[gebaird]

If you were running a charity, I'd say keep up the good work. The fact that you are posting this tells me, however, that your needs are not being met. That kind of situation can't go on for very long.

 

My good friend has been in a relationship with a widower for 18 months, and it's definitely harder than most scenarios. For a long time he pushed her away whenever there was a birthday or anniversary, and there were several times when she almost gave up. But there were occasional signs of progress, and that kept them together. About a month ago he told her he'd worked through his stuff and they are now engaged. It's been just over 4 years since his wife died.

 

Perhaps your SO is worth waiting for, but you could be in for a very long wait and the outcome is uncertain. Talk to her. Express your needs and concerns. Set a timeline you can live with, and if she hasn't come around by then be prepared to walk away knowing you did everything you could to make it work.

 

Time is a healer for some, but others choose to grieve for life.

[DancingFool]

Would I play martyr in order to try to get love and appreciation? NO! Like never.

 

It's great that you do all those things, but I also get the uncomfortable feeling that you are doing all that you are doing as a way to buy/earn her love and.....it's not working. That approach almost never works.

 

From what you describe, it doesn't even sound like you are in a relationship at all and she has been brutally blunt with you about that. However, you are intent on playing nanny to her children and certainly that's appreciated about as much as a good nanny would be and that's all you have going for you.

 

If you want a romantic relationship, then look for a woman who is looking for that today and wants that with you once she gets to know you a bit.

[Gary Snyder]

Having an arrangement and unrequited love is no fun. Don't live your life in quiet desperation. Women in love are fun.

[tattoobunnie]

It took a good 5 years before my brother volunteerily decided to take down the billion framed photos he had his wife who killed herself. He believed he was being unfair to his now wife, and at the time they had been dating for a long while.

 

But he would share that he loved his now wife, and always introduced her to everyone as his girlfriend.

 

She clearly shows no love for you. I would never stay.