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I would like to have some advice about my "relationship"


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Hello!

At the moment, I am sad and angry about my boyfriend. Actually we are best friends plus but we both say it feels like a real relationship. We know each other for 2 years now.

 

The reason why we are not a so called real couple is that I have asked him to do a HIV test. I knew from his past that he really liked women (probably still does) but doesn't like condoms. I did one on my own. He said he will do the test when he feels he is ready. I told him that it is hard for me to trust him as he refuses the test. Also, I don't feel really good when we're having sex (with condoms). He is angry that we are not a couple but I said I first want to see the test result.

 

The other thing is he wants me to move to his house. At the moment I am living in a small apartment in the city and he is living in a big house in a rural area about 100km away from me. It is a recreational area for locals. The problem is I am not used to this kind of life. You need a car for everything. There isn't a grocery, bakery or even a petrol station nearby. There are 4 -5 neighbors who know each other for decades. When I a visit him he is really nice but I am always happy when I am back on the train although I miss him.

 

On my birthday he took some days off so we could make a short trip which was really great. However, he still doesn't know my parents or my friends. He didn't go to my birthday party because he was too busy but later admitted that he was hanging around at home and didn't want to go. I was so disappointed because he introduced me to his family and friends.

 

Usually I go to his place because he doesn't like the city and my apartment. It won't be possible for me to visit him the next 2 maybe 3 weekends. I had hoped we could see each other last weekend. He said one friend is visiting him and he wants to do as he called it "men only party". Later he send me pictures. He did a barbecue evening and there were also other people on the picture. Because I was near the main station I called him and asked if I can visit him. I told him I saw the pictures and it looks like a bigger party where everyone is allowed. He told me I should stay in may big city where I belong... On the next day I told him that I was sad that he didn't want me to be at his place last night. He said he can do what he wants as we are not a couple and if he wants to hang out with his friends than with me I have to accept that. Today on the phone he told me I am very demanding and he is tired of me. I told him he doesn't deserve me. He replied that I don't deserve him.

 

I have to admit that I am having a tough time because I will start a new job and I am finishing my master thesis. Maybe I am sort of oversensitive. If something goes wrong it feels like the world will collaps soon. At the moment I am thinking about ending this relationship but maybe as I said I am oversensitive...

 

Does anyone has some ideas or advice? What should I do?

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All this drama and you two are not even official in any capacity. Imagine if you two were dating.

 

As I read your post, you two are just not compatable as a couple and perhaps better off as friends.

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I also think ending this relationship is the best thing you can do, because you two don't sound like you are on the same page. In fact, you sound incompatible. He likes his life in the countryside, you like city life. He lies. He disrespects you.

I'm not sure why he would refuse to take an HIV test, you could do it together and if you get one of those rapid ones you can get it done in less than 30 minutes. I personally would be wary of having any kind of sex with someone who refused to get tested - even protected sex, as condoms can always break or slip and why would I want to take the chance? To me, his refusal to get tested would make me suspect he has something to hide. Or, he is only being stubborn and wanting to have his way, which is also a deal breaker because I'd rather be with someone who cooperates with me to put my mind at ease, not act like a spoiled brat just so he can be the 'alpha male'.

 

So if I was in your shoes, this relationship would be over. There are more compatible men out there for you, but you will never meet them as long as you're stuck with this one.

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Thanks for your posts! In fact we broke up one year ago but we talked to each other and it was ok again.

 

In fact he wasn't this big countryside fan when we got toknow each other. He had an apartment in the city and dreamed of buying a house in the suburbs but he changed his mind and moved back to the place he grew up.

 

I asked him if we should do it together but he said he didn't want to and I didn't want to force him.... but I have not thought about the rapid tests. Are they as good as the normal ones?

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You should be jumping for joy that this selfish narcissist called it quits. Does 'couple' mean no condoms to him? What does that mean? He's probably cheating if you are 'not invited' to his parties...and on some level you know this. And he outright refuses to be exclusive or be 'a couple' or whatever.

 

You don't like where he lives, it's long distance, he's angry about condoms, won't get std tests, refuses to meet your people or acknowledge your bday, repeatedly lies and blows you off to party.

 

Start dating decent men who care about you and read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". It may have some tips for you on identifying men who are just using you and men who actually care about you.

it feels like a real relationship. He is angry that we are not a couple but I said I first want to see the test result. he still doesn't know my parents or my friends. he was too busy but later admitted that he was hanging around at home and didn't want to go.Today on the phone he told me I am very demanding and he is tired of me.
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The one good thing about my last relationship is she asked for a test. I'd do the same from now on it just makes sense. The funny thing is she didn't get 1. You can go to your dr or there are some labs that will do a complete panel for a fee.

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OMG get yourself gone from this guy. He is like Burger King, he wants it his way. Your request for an HIV test is totally sensible and his refusal speaks volumes about what a moron this guy is. He has no respect for you and treats you so badly. There's no reason for you to put up with this. Find someone you are compatible with.

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Are they as good as the normal ones?

 

They are just as accurate, and they are really quick. The reason it takes 30 minutes is that they give you a spiel about how they work and HIV facts in general, and you wait about 5 minutes for the reaction to occur, otherwise they'd be even shorter.

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Is this how "he cares for me and tries to make me feel comfortable?" on the phone he told me I am very demanding and he is tired of me. I told him he doesn't deserve me. He replied that I don't deserve him.

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Hey this guy sounds pretty controlling honestly. He wants everything to be his way or no way, as is witnessed by the fact that he refuses to take the HIV test (which would concern me as well). It seems like there are also a lot of incompatibilities between the two of you. Maybe you ought to just call it quits with this guy and focus on yourself and your thesis and new job. You seem to enjoy your life in the city and you seem to be doing quite well for yourself, this guy seems to want to control you. If you move in with him, I don't see it working out very well and I think you will find that you will suddenly become restricted as to what you can and can't do.

 

Not taking the HIV test is a deal breaker, too. It's important enough for you that you refuse to make the relationship official until he does it... and he still hasn't done it. Why continue the affair then? Find someone else! This guy's shady.

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I gotta say, your thinking doesn't make sense in still sleeping with him and not putting a label on whatever you guys have going on. You would rather sleep with him, risking STDs regardless of wearing a condom or not, but not label the relationship because he won't take a test? Why won't you rather not have sex??? And not have a relationship. It's illogical to continue this way and your concern for him taking a test refutes the fact that you're still having sex! Condoms are not 100% effective. I just ask, specifically what about this situation made you believe this was the best choice if you cared so much that he's STD free? Your actions prove otherwise. To me, it sounds more like a hangup on your end. If you didn't have sex, I would believe otherwise, although I do believe his unwillingness is a dealbreaker.

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I gotta say, your thinking doesn't make sense in still sleeping with him and not putting a label on whatever you guys have going on. You would rather sleep with him, risking STDs regardless of wearing a condom or not, but not label the relationship because he won't take a test? Why won't you rather not have sex??? And not have a relationship. It's illogical to continue this way and your concern for him taking a test refutes the fact that you're still having sex! Condoms are not 100% effective. I just ask, specifically what about this situation made you believe this was the best choice if you cared so much that he's STD free? Your actions prove otherwise. To me, it sounds more like a hangup on your end. If you didn't have sex, I would believe otherwise, although I do believe his unwillingness is a dealbreaker.

 

I have to agree with you. I think he won't do the test because I ibdirectly acceptet his opinion about that topic.

 

I am also askibg myself why I keep on dating him. To be honest I dob't kbow. When I tell myself I will not call him or I will end the affair, I am on the way to his place. Everytime I am wondering why. Really stupid I know

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You deserve much more than that. If he cant prove you that HIV test please do not make the mistake of staying with him. He seems like a total jerk! He's a f... boy , you can find someone who loves you way better then that. For the meantime i know you're pain by experience and stuff can only get worse once moving in together. Hope you do better girl, and do stuff to keep you occupied. Go to counseling, go to church, keep God near. My best breakup advice straight from my personal experiences and good luck.

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