Tired living by being cursed and gifted.

[JustMeOne]

At least right at this moment will try keep everything short by explaining some main reasons.

 

I guess the best to begin that I was born different and grow up with family and people who never tried hard enough to understand me. So after years passed by living through my life experiences and being at point where I stopped caring about anything but waited only for the day I will die. However before stopping caring, whole my life I lived as sad kid by looking good but living in poof family and having many problems at school because of being different.

 

As far I can tell, I was different because of having ability known as being Empath. My emotions were high as child and I was picking up other people emotions like living open source. I knew intentions of all kids and grown ups but for me felt normal because I was used to it. So this basically made me shy at school and avoiding interacting with children being a child because younger kids are normally a lot more emotional, over reacting than adult.

 

Time passing, I stop trying doing home and learning at school. At home from my family no one pushed my limits, tried explain why education is important, change my perspective of the world, trying understand how I feel. Mostly as child I just wanted freedom, explore new things, fix things and didn't saw purpose of why education is important because couldn't understand why can be useful. So I reach the point where I start getting bad grade and it grow up on me around the same time when I start going because of family problems by clothes to school looking poor, being shy and such reasons just increased my negativity.

 

Being older at school when I start wanting have a girlfriend, I knew, I cannot have because of the way I was known to other kids and especially I just cared about and girl which I could love.

 

Later on at my life I reach point when both parents left me and can't specify for privacy but alone with my sister. These times I used to be bulled by other kids and at home by my sisters boyfriend. So during these years, I reach time when I felt living hell and wanted just get out some how and be happy. However when all my life reach limit of the worst I knew. My mother had get back to our country and take me with her.

.....

Slowly my life recovered at some point in England, but beginning at England for me really hard because I came by knowing only couple words. When they put me to school, I had to go at class 11. Many English girls liked me but I couldn't communicate, so avoided. Faced some racist problems back that time and this just pushed me wanting finish school as fast as possible because I felt already at school like at hell from experiences at my own country.

 

One day, I had bad time same year because of being bulled by some English kids, so that forced me to quick school and leave without getting any grades. Then for a year I had lost hope of being able live in future happy but after one year, i was put to college but didn't put effort enough at finishing properly because I never was able learn to write properly by going at school and at college is important writing skills. After couple years at college I felt in-love for one more girl because of her I was pushing my limits, trying to make her love me, go for date but she never cared about me and by living life, I just put my self down.

 

When I start going to college for last course level, I had complication with her and she closed all communications with me, because I tried to go for date with her, and tried hard to achieve chance be with her. However she never liked me as boyfriend. As I loved her as much I ever someone loved, after losing her. I just quick collage, felt killing me from inside pain. I start doing basic fabric job by being one of the worst, being able barely walk at work. Couldn't do any fast work (reason was because I was so sad, hopeless, lost interest in trying achieve anything else at my life, just lived for some years only waiting for day to die but years passed, my body get used to being alone, my emotional state reduced, I stopped feeling my emotions if my own almost all). Then I start recover, be stronger but already felt dead from inside. Even right now feeling same, I can feel that I still love her, if I dig inside my emotions, I am only able to feel deep inside pain and sadness. So avoid my emotions.

 

During days I tried win her heart, I felt like being able to win her only by using my abilities to read other people emotions and manipulate them without her knowing but as you love someone, you don't allow your self to take such actions. So now I end-up by losing part of my friends, never hard girlfriend, unskilled at love subject, still not being able date any girl only because for having sex with her.

 

So far, my last living years of life. I once tried date girl only for sex and pleasure. First time I met her after chatting, I was seeing her mind, personality through clearly, knowing why she says, all she said to me. Knowing why she looked that way she looked, able to predict what she will say. Even I was able to go to bed with her the same night at first date for sex but I couldn't have sex at bed with her because I didn't liked her from inside, couldn't trust her and I wouldn't love her. So night passed without having sex and I felt horrible day after that night. She liked me a lot but I pretty fast let her know, I don't want be couple with her etc.

 

Now I just live my life being all my life alone, not being able to succeed so far still at any career I would like. Not being able get girlfriend I could love. Ignoring now I am 26 years old prepared for the worst.

 

----

Right now I am tired but waiting for suggestions, opinions from all of you.

Will correct and will extend my post when will find more time.

Just now tried to short cut a lot, by telling some of my life experiences. Also, when I was child, I was like purely good kid without any evil, didn't had anger at me, only did things which were good choices. Currently, I just becoming because of life I live, bad and wouldn't be surprise if I live long enough to become at future something like pure Devil, not caring about anything, doing damage to people around me until the day I will die by making around me hell for people because of feeding my self by absorbing other people, bad feeling such as proud, wanting to make someone else suffer and so on. In addition, I just might end my self because of becoming tired fighting for my own survival as fighting for other people happiness also didn't bring me anywhere because when someone becomes happy, they just care mostly about him or her self.

[catfeeder]

What is your question for us?

[Wiseman2]

Most gifts are curses but unfortunately it sounds like you may need some mental health help rather than ascribe all these negative feelings and out comes to merely being empathetic.

I guess the best to begin that I was born different and grow up with family and people who never tried hard enough to understand me.As far I can tell, I was different because of having ability known as being Empath.

[JustMeOne]

I just wrote some about my darker side of personality not the one of darkest and not the one of the best my personalities. Also many things can be discussed, why I am expert at manipulating people when I put my mind to work, understanding of actions people make and so on, but having problems such as I explained above at my post.

 

By understanding people, I always know my chances at fight such as one on one. I know if it's too high risk too face at fight and just better out play by using mind game. I sense, if someone wants to attack me from behind, follows me or steal something from me. At such situations, my body just pick up other people emotions because at such situations their emotions are higher and my body absorbs by making me feel what someone feels close enough to me feels.

For example, even if I would be at place such as club and someone would try to pick fight with me. I already would understand how such individual feels, and for me normally just would need begin fight back by saying something. So I would find out, if he one of people which can can be scared easy enough or just wants go for fight etc.

This is one of my personalities.

Even once some years back, one friend felt very proud of him self. I used his emotions to make him bring on him self an enemy. So this enemy would take him down. After he lost fight, I offered to this friend, my help by pretending not knowing how it happen. He just was thinking it was only his actions but truth was I made him go the path I choose for him, by manipulating him to make actions I wanted him to make.

 

Even at suggestion such mental help. When I was kid, I was forced twice go to such service but once I just gave answers to doctor by knowing which he accepts as correct and second time I open my self. Had nice chat but didn't made or help me at any way. Just I let me self be as much as I could open and soft.

 

At fictional example. If you believe in GODs and if you think Devil could show up to try trick you. He wouldn't show up for trying trick you, he already would know what answers and decision you will make because of being master at manipulation. I guess, he also would have picked such skills from GOD, angels or Gods. By christian story, angel show up and let Jesus get out but higher creates already had to know what outcome it would bring.

 

I just try explain more of my life experiences to make you all easier understand me.

[1a1a]

If you know that you are just telling the mental health professional what they want to hear, and you know that's sabotaging your own chance for getting help, can you stop yourself from doing that?

[bgirl]

How old are you?

 

You are not special. You are like the rest of us.

 

It sounds like you didn't had validation from your family and lack in social skills.

 

You can be more sensitive and aware of mind proccesses, but I really think you should loose the "i'm diferent" belief and get some help. I know that belief is what makes you able to survive and cope with, basically, deep rooted feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy, but it does more wrong than right, believe me.

 

I've been like you, I mean, some of the things you write are really similiar to some of my toughts that I had for a lot of time in my mind. It was that kind of thinking process that made me unable to find answers and feeded my delusions.

 

You sound depressed, also.

 

You should give yourself the peace of my mind you deserve: You are not diferent. You are not cursed. People just neglected and dind't validate you while you were growing up. But you can start breakig the cycle by validating yourself. And thinking "it's so hard because i'm special" it's not validation. It's self-sabotaging - it will never give you peace.

[JustMeOne]

I guess I have enough opinions from all of you. I just could include for being not depressed. I basically just improvise my personality and if I start feel my own feelings, able to decide if embrace them at situation or just improvise. Also for example like today I did shopping with one friend, and he wouldn't even have a thought such as me making such kind post at forum.

[1a1a]

Still be nice to feel less sad and more genuine connections with people right?

[JustMeOne]

Not sad, whatever you prefer to call it genuine, good or any other connection with people I am capable to have. Just a lot people thinks differently because of their knowledge, experiences and so on. I guess, that's why there is nothing to discuss about it.