Cutting ties and going no contact. Feel blamed entirely.

[randy33]

Cutting ties and going no contact.

 

I thought it would be realistic to be friends with my ex but I have not experienced closure. I feel he has blamed me entirely and is completely content to do so. Is this a defense mechanism?..

 

I either swallow those feelings and pretend to be ok and potentially bottle anger that comes out towards him in other ways..

 

Or I honor my own feelings and let go of the possibility of friendship..and keep my dignity and self respect in tact. I have recognized my own faults and apologized for them, I have been accountable and tried tried tried to be respsonsible for all the ways I damaged the relationship...but in vein. He has not acknowledged his responsibility in the break down and I feel as though I wont experience true closure, or be able to be friends until he does.

 

So now I stop trying and release him.

[Wiseman2]

Yes, let go of the friendship. This is way past the point of who's right, who's wrong, who's to blame, etc. because it's all a matter of perception anyway. Everyone has their side of the story, opinions, feelings that are "right" to them.

 

Once you breakup continuing to argue about who's responsible, who's to blame, closure, etc is pointless.

I feel he has blamed me entirely and is completely content to do so.

[Almira23]

In relationships, typically, no one is going to accept all of the blame. Very rarely is someone going to say "oh geez, randy and I broke up. its all of my fault." Instead, they are going to try in any way to put the majority of the blame on their ex. Its kind of a coping mechanism. If all of the blame is shifted on you then they will feel less inclined to take responsibilities for their actions.

You shouldn't expect closure from him. It probably isn't going to happen. You have to come to terms with the break up, accept that things ended the way that they did, and move on.

The whole idea of being friends with an ex is not very plausible. I have yet to meet someone who is friends with their ex. Sure they say hello to each other when they are out in public or they exchange a few messages from time to time on social media, but would they call this a friendship? Absolutely not.

You can't be friends with someone you have feelings for. It never ends well.

You have recognized your faults and you have apologized. That's all you can do.

Now, you are correct to do strict no contact and heal from your break up. Going back and forth with your ex to gain some kind of closure is I'm sure very exhausting

[ATTS20]

Cutting ties and going no contact.

 

I thought it would be realistic to be friends with my ex but I have not experienced closure. I feel he has blamed me entirely and is completely content to do so. Is this a defense mechanism?..

 

I either swallow those feelings and pretend to be ok and potentially bottle anger that comes out towards him in other ways..

 

Or I honor my own feelings and let go of the possibility of friendship..and keep my dignity and self respect in tact. I have recognized my own faults and apologized for them, I have been accountable and tried tried tried to be respsonsible for all the ways I damaged the relationship...but in vein. He has not acknowledged his responsibility in the break down and I feel as though I wont experience true closure, or be able to be friends until he does.

 

So now I stop trying and release him.

 

It's a delusion to be "friends" with an ex lover. The problem is you guys haven't solved the core issue. The core issue is you test him for his strength, be it unintentionally or otherwise. He reads your ever changing emotions as signs of insult and being taken fore granted. It's the never ending song and dance between man and woman. He simply needs to realize that when you're moody, critical, or overly closed off, that you're looking for his strength and ability to open you back up with his love. Like most guys his methods are to ask you what's wrong, and try to fix the core issue. You just want to be handled properly emotionally, feel his masculine strength and feel loved.

 

We speak different languages men and women. That said he needs to acknowledge his own shortcomings. However, if he's not aware of them, it's almost impossible to acknowledge them.

 

I'm sorry you're in this predicament. I can tell you still love him. Some distance and perspective should do both of you some good. Highly recommend he read "The way of the superior man" by David Deida. Excellent book. On the flip as a female, you should work on being more forgiving and compassionate. If both of you work on what needs to be done, you can meet somewhere in the middle and take your relationship to a level you didn't think it possible.

 

Best of luck

[Matt3939]

I have recognized my own faults and apologized for them, I have been accountable and tried tried tried to be respsonsible for all the ways I damaged the relationship

 

Think of the above comment as closure. You did your best. What else could you do. You can only be accountable for yourself.