He apologized...

[sarahhh456]

I received a text from my ex boyfriend saying "I've been feeling super ty abut how I treated you and I just want to apologize. I know you think of me as a bad guy now, and it is what it is but I just wish I did things differently. I was just so petty. You're too sweet for all that. I hate myself for it and I have every right to because I was such a . I've been going through a lot and I'm still going through a lot and I hate it. You're probably the sweetest girl I've ever met and I was just too much of an ass for you. I just went out and drank my life away while you were being your cute innocent self. I need help. Nothing you did was wrong or anything, it was me. I'm ****ed up". He then went into talking about how he misses his recently deceased best friend and he feels like he has no one and he goes and sits in his car and drinks and cries and how he hates waking up everyday without his best friend and hates that his other one is more interested in being friends with a previous ex of his instead of him.

 

It was a really long text message and I'm not sure how to answer, or if I should even answer at all. I am glad he has realized that he was wrong and apologized, but at the same time I can't tell if he did it because he meant it or because he's just feeling lonely. He's been hanging around with a few different girls since we broke up, so was this apology just so he could feel better about himself and move on? He also has me worrying about him again because of the drinking. I don't want him to do anything stupid, but I feel like it's no longer my place to talk to say anything about this. But at the same time, I don't want him to hurt himself.

 

How do I respond to this?

[reinventmyself]

He sounds like he's lonely.

Ask yourself if would make a difference had he apologized when he was in a better place, rather than now.

I wouldn't respond.

Sometimes people apologize to relieve their own discomfort. Do you think this apology was for your benefit or his?

[Wiseman2]

"We went over all of this regarding the breakup. I'm not your therapist. Please stop contacting me".

 

You should not have to listen to this rehashed 'it's me not you' drivel.

 

If he felt that guilty he would have gotten his act together before the breakup.

How do I respond to this?

[leseine7]

Its hard for me to say if you should do something as extreme as ignore this without knowing the back story (how he treated you, etc.). I have to read your forum posts on this if you have any, so forgive me if my response is ignorant of any of those details!

 

If it were me, honestly, unless it were an ex who had abused me or for whom I still I had feelings, or an ex who had a penchant for saying anything to get me to take him back (only to go through the same vicious cycles again), I would respond. Given the hard time he is expressing having, the remorse he feels and the realisation that he needs to change his ways and has a drinking problem, I think it would be hard for me to just ignore the message (unless the listed reasons applied in the situation. For instance, I have an ex who would literally list off anything he could to get me to believe he was always the victim of some crazy apocalyptic life event that led to him behaving certain ways, and would tell me absolutely anything he could think of to get me to start communicating with him again. He had a personality disorder, however, and in the end I had to block contact entirely).

 

As for what to say, that's obviously up to you, but I think it would be important to be sure that you are not engaging in ongoing contact with him in a way that would tempt you to get back together, (or him), or feel inappropriate. I would try to be very detached. You can say you forgive him (if you do), you are sorry for what has happened with his friend, and that you encourage him to seek some therapy and help with the drinking problems. You can let him know that you aren't an enemy and that it is in the past. But I would leave it very simple and only one text. Don't open yourself up to being his security blanket if he just wants the comfort of knowing you are there still somehow. And don't say anything you don't genuinely feel. And don't let him worry you any further about his issues or drinking - that is on him to fix. `if he is saying it just to get your attention, the best way to close that is just to advise him to get help like a big boy.

[gypsybird87]

Do whatever will give YOU the most peace. It's not your job to absolve him of his bad behavior. But it's also not your responsibility to increase your own stress by not responding, and then worrying about the impact of your silence. This is about doing what's right for you, not him, and you really need to follow your gut on this one.

 

If you do decide to respond, I'd keep it short and close-ended; IE- not inviting any further response. You also need to be prepared for any type of response from him, as well as no response.

[moodindigo91]

I probably just wouldn't respond, or just respond saying "Thanks". Sounds harsh, but an apology this far in hindsight is almost meaningless. If he meant it, then good. He got a nice, cathartic feeling from sending the text message. If he didn't mean it, no harm no foul if you just skip over it and move on.

[ATTS20]

I don't understand the talk of if he meant it or not by some on this post. Clearly he meant it otherwise he would not care to write it. You may ask what are all the factors involved with him getting to the point of writing that apology, and the answer is whatever happened in his life to humble him to the point of recognizing the need to apologize. Be as it may, you both shared each other's lives together. Neither of you are better than the other, because both of you are human beings with a mission and purpose in life. It's unfortunate you went your separate ways and it's unfortunate that he's experienced so much pain.

 

If I'm you I would put your best foot forward. Encourage him to embrace the pain as a sign from God that change has to be made in his life. Tell him you care about him as a person, but that the emotional torment he is facing is not conducive to anything romantic between the two of you. Encourage him to get help and let him know that once he's better and everything is balance again in his life, if he still feels the need to contact you and you're available well.. who knows what can happen.

 

People are often to quick to throw out the baby with the bath water and sometimes that has to be done because the bad significantly out weighs the good. In cases where there was a lot of good, but a dark side or a misunderstanding sabotaged the relationship, it maybe worth revisiting, providing genuine learning an change has been implemented to cover up the dark side. Just food for thought. Best of luck to you.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm with brienoch on this one. A simple "thanks" and it's done. It is nearly meaningless, he isn't asking for you back, and likely just got his own heart stomped on which often wakes people up when someone does to them what they did to others.

 

You can forgive him, but you shouldn't really forget or think an apology erases who the person intrinsically is. There is no need to let someone toxic back into your life, no matter how heartfelt their apology.

 

A simple, "Thank you" settles everything nicely and then you block and delete them and let them come to grips with their own actions in their own due time without it becoming yet another potential stone around your neck should the apology not have been a sincere one.

 

If it was sincere that thanks will make him feel better and he'll move on knowing he shouldn't be asking for any place in your life. If he has another agenda he may very well push you hard to do more like meet up with him or try to get another response out of you, even a negative one.

 

That's why a simple "thanks" ends it in your universe, so you can move on. Beyond that and accepting an apology nothing else they do is your responsibility or anything you should get involved in. In fact doing so often negates the original intent of the apology, because it can be construed as "If I apologize and it's accepted I can keep doing crap things to people." People who are sincere in their apologies will be more than happy with a simple "thank you."

[boltnrun]

I bet he was drunk when he wrote it.

 

No need to respond.