Ex boyfriend's ex girlfriend

[confusedgirl72]

So I've found myself in some more after the break up. I have posted a couple threads on this site before - so far outlining my break up, and me subsequently seeing my very recent ex boyfriend's outings with another girl, after he did claim he needed to think about himself for a long time and not be with anyone, and that my unforgivable words made him break up with me. Basically, I'll cut to the chase and say that I contacted my ex boyfriend's ex-girlfriend for closure; I know this may have not been the appropriate thing to do, but I can truthfully say I did it out of concern for what I might have done wrong that she may have related to/maybe what she experienced from him to explain some of his behaviour. I did not go into the conversation wanting to be vindictive or gossip with her simply for the fun of bashing our ex boyfriend.

 

I can also truthfully say that the conversation with her benefited me a lot: she identified the fact that he had been emotionally unavailable and that it bugged her how he almost seemed to become an entirely different person from the start of their relationship to the end. In my relationship, my boyfriend dumped me twice: once at approximately 6 months, for 3 days, and this last time which has now last for a month, and is definitely final. When she was with him, they broke up twice as well but she did the dumping. Another reason for me contacting her was to see maybe if she saw something within him that was a red flag to get away - she did establish certain personality traits that I had come to detect from him in the past and she even said that he seemed like a nice guy, but she always had a strange gut feeling. The gut feeling that made me insecure so many time and consequently made me so guilty about feeling that insecurity.

 

So the problem doesn't necessarily lie in the conversation I had with his ex, but with the consequences. Without my requesting or control over the matter, she Facebook messaged our ex-boyfriend, to essentially chew him out. I did tell her a little bit about how suspected he was seeing someone already, and through our conversation, I discovered that the day he had asked me to be his girlfriend, was the same day he asked for them back, or in his words "to talk about them". So she also got extremely mad at him for that. The conversation started with these accusations of how he had treated me and him basically saying that he had every right to dump him after what I said to him, but then it spiralled into a conversation about what had happened in their relationship, and clearly they had things to say to each other that were never resolved. I know all of this because she sent me screen shots of the conversation, once again without me really being able to intervene. Receiving those screen shots put me into a serious panic.

 

He sends me a text saying: "talking to my ex's now? Smooth". I asked around to friends and family for what to do with that but they basically said not to respond and that his ex girlfriend messaging him wasn't my fault - that that was her perogative and that now he's just trying to start a fight with me by texting me. We haven't been in contact at all since breaking up except for a message I sent him telling I know he did care in our relationship, and another one saying I was there to talk, with him replying that he didn't want to now, but maybe he could another time. I still haven't replied to him after he sent the text about me contacting his ex. Do you think I've done the right thing? Have I made a mess of this whole situation? I'm walking around with this weight on my shoulders and I'm trying to let go of the guilt but just can't. I had a bit of a struggle with getting diagnosed with OCD when I was fourteen, and I'm obsessing about these things just like I did with everything when my disorder affected me most. I've gotten a lot of perspective from the people around me, but I don't know if they're just trying to make me feel better. Any words would be greatly appreciated. (P.S. I don't want my ex back now, I just don't want him to eternally hate me)

[Wiseman2]

If commiserating about him made you feel better, that's good, but unfortunately it means you are still hanging on and not focusing on moving on and obsessing about what's 'wrong' with him.

 

 

Unfortunately now he knows you are stalking him, talking trash, etc. all in an attempt to not let go and and not take responsibility for stirring up drama contacting her. If not for you contacting her, she would not have messaged him telling him what you did.

 

Get the help/therapy you need to stop doing these counterproductive things.

I contacted my ex boyfriend's ex-girlfriend for closure

she Facebook messaged our ex-boyfriend, to essentially chew him out.He sends me a text saying: "talking to my ex's now? Smooth". his ex girlfriend messaging him wasn't my fault

[confusedgirl72]

I am in therapy now and have been for weeks. And I also talked to her about the things I did wrong, she just decided not to message him about those things when she did message. They had a lot of bad blood and the conversation was mostly about him. I was wondering though, if there's any reason to message him and apologize for starting that conversation between them? Even though I didn't intend it at all? I talked to her in the early stages of my break up, but she only decided to do this just now.

[Wiseman2]

She's not a therapist and contacting her for any reason is stalking and unhealthy. Lesson learned, now regroup and move on and go no contact and block both of them and stop contacting his people or former people.

 

Talk to your therapist about this obsession/stalking...maybe they need to adjust the OCD meds or therapy or something to counteract these self-destructive thoughts/behaviors.

I also talked to her about the things I did wrong, she just decided not to message him about those things when she did message.

[confusedgirl72]

I've talked a lot to my therapist and I'm doing a lot better. It's hard when someone cuts you right off and acts like you were wholly to blame. I'm moving more on now, just trying to let go of guilt, thanks.

[j.man]

Did you do the "right" thing? By my own arbitrary standards, I don't think you did. I don't consider it proper to reach out to an ex's ex to work out your own issues resulting from the breakup.

 

But it's not like you ruined any big potential with your ex. I wouldn't bother responding to him and I wouldn't continue speaking with his ex or anyone else on his social end.

[ParisPaulette]

I agree with your friends and family, let.it.go. All you have here is two women who were equally messed about by someone who sounds like he has unresolved issues and likes to stir up drama.

 

It is very plain to see his ex-girlfriend and you both are far more alike than you think in that you both keep circling around this guy trying to get "answers" to his behavior when really you both should just be going, "Okay, more issues there than ten years worth of Cosmopolitan Magazine, moving on now."

 

You've talked to the ex-girlfriend, you've both shared your stories, it's done. What she or you do is up to each of you, but if it were me I'd just block and delete them both and step out of it. Focus on yourself, your own health and well-being, on healing. You both are trying to "change" someone that can't and doesn't want to be changed, just continue to keep the battle going and it's a dumb battle at that.

 

Seriously, block this guy, move on. It's done. He wasn't good for you, you don't need to keep getting dragged into his issues or letting his ex drag you there either. Send her a nice, "Thanks, but you know what? I'm just moving on 'cause I deserve better." Then you block and delete her as well.

 

Be done with him, go heal yourself. What she does is up to her, but seriously you need to stop it with the hen gatherings and feeding his ego by paying any more attention to him, yes even negative attention.

 

P.S. Your ex won't "eternally" hate you unless he's seriously got massive mental disorders. Will he use it to justify his own bad actions? Maybe, but the fact is he didn't think well of you to begin with or he wouldn't have treated you like he did in the first place. Same with the previous ex, you are looking or trying to reflect your own behaviors and thought patterns on to this guy and that just isn't the case. Exes usually do think badly of each other--I mean you do with him, right?--so why do you care. You need to let go of "what people no longer in my life who didn't respect me to begin with matter over people who love and respect me."

 

Frankly I think you had nerves of steel to seek out his ex to get a talk to confirm some things. I'd look at that and be like, "Wow, you're a braver woman than I ever was." Let him think what he wants, no one thinks well of the other unless it was a mutual friendly breakup. It's all pretty normal, but you need to stop trying to appease him and focus that much attention on yourself. It's hard for everyone to do that, but let it go and it'll right itself out soon enough. Block him on everything, never talk to him again, block her as well. You're out of that mess, done.

[Wiseman2]

Dragging her into it to stir up trouble can just backfire. Stay out of his life altogether.

she Facebook messaged our ex-boyfriend. He sends me a text saying: "talking to my ex's now? Smooth"

 

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[journeynow]

No, you didn't mess anything up, and what you did isn't his business, nor does it necessarily keep you tied to him. While I think closure comes from yourself, it doesn't happen instantly. It takes processing the break up and learning from the relationship, and it takes some perspective to do so. You talking to his ex was done to give you some of that perspective, but understandably to take with a grain of salt since she is also an ex (with the emotional fallout that she might still be holding on to). You can take the information from her into consideration to get a better understanding of yourself (did you ignore certain behaviors early on?, miss red flags?, distrust your gut feelings to his benefit?, etc.)

 

I agree that his ex girlfriend messaging him wasn't your fault - that that was her prerogative but leave it at that and don't respond to him or get involved with anything going on between them, or continue to discuss your breakup with her. Emotions are a roller coaster after a break up, which is why No Contact is so valuable. You each need your space to ride that roller coaster without creating more emotional chaos (such as your current anxiety about this situation). Take a deep breath, notice that you are surviving this and you will get through it, and look forward to healing and happiness.