How the hell do I break with with a manipulative person?

[Meggaboo121]

I know what you all are going to say... Just do it. But it's a lot harder than it sounds. Or maybe I'm just making it harder than it is.

 

I'm conflicted. For the 3 out of 4 years I've invested in my relationship my mind is constantly wondering what if? What if the grass is greener on the other side? What if I'm wasting my time? I have finally decided that it is time to break off my relationship. I mean we can't talk without fighting. I don't want any physical attention from him. I avoid him by staying late at work. We don't agree on much BUT we have both agreed that we can find someone better suited for each other.

 

I was forced into a relationship due to having a child young and so quickly into our meeting each other. I have stayed because of my child. Because I thought that was right. But obviously we don't click. I was 18 when we met, and in the 4 years we have been together I am practically a new person; I have grown up. I am not as attracted to who he is as I was when we first met.

 

My issue is that he is very manipulative. I want to leave. I have everything set up down to the uhaul truck size. But I feel so extremely guilty. I'm not even kidding when I say I have probably told him I'm leaving him about 30 times. I know that obviously I'm weak and don't have the balls to just pull the band aid off. And that's true.

 

If I leave he will have to move to a friends, and his whole life will change. He is going through an extremely rough patch in life right now due to getting injured at work over a year ago. He has yet to recover mentally or get a legit job. He relies solely on my income. So like I said, if I leave his life will change. I'm not in love with him but I do care for him. I don't want to see him in pain but I cannot stay in this relationship anymore. I know I have to put my happiness before his or I will be forever miserable. But I can't being myself to do it? Has anyone been in this position? Any advice?

Sorry for the novel...

[Brutal555]

He takes you for granted when it comes to breaking up, because you told him that many times and yet you stayed. If you've made a decision that breaking up is the best option right now tell him that. Make sure to stay calm even If he starts yelling or arguing

[Meggaboo121]

He used to get angry. Now he just cries. And I feel like crap. I get extremely anxious. I can't handle situations like that. I freeze up. It would be so easy if he got mad instead.

[Brutal555]

And he's okay with the fact that you come back because you feel pity for him? I'd suggest you to not to allow yourself to get affected by his tears and do what's best for you. What's the point of being in a relationship where you won't be happy? And no, "maybe he'll change" is not a good answer

[Meggaboo121]

That is odd.. I never realized that till you said it. He knows I want to leave. So why keep me? If I put myself in his shoes I would do the breaking up myself. Is he just that desperate?

[Brutal555]

That is odd.. I never realized that till you said it. He knows I want to leave. So why keep me? If I put myself in his shoes I would do the breaking up myself. Is he just that desperate?

Seems so. No need to bother what's inside of his head, but If he won't show self respect make sure that you will and do what's the best for you

[melancholy123]

He keeps you around because you make it easy for him. You earn the money, he freeloads, and you allow it! Until you get some starch in your backbone nothing is going to change. You teach people how to treat you. Yes you are making this harder on yourself. Now go line up that U Haul and get yourself gone!

[Wiseman2]

Do this, but don't discuss it. Just sever your finances, forward your mail and move out when he's not there. Then arrange custody/visitation/child support through the courts.

 

He's a grown man. He'll survive...his life will change for the better without your enabling/supporting his inertia. He either needs to get off his rear and get a job or go to a doctor for disability.

 

Go through with your plan and do the best you can for a better and happier life for you and your child.

I have everything set up down to the uhaul truck size. He has yet to recover mentally or get a legit job. He relies solely on my income.

[journeynow]

Rethink this. As in:

 

[h=2]How the hell do I do what I say I'll do?[/h]

[tattoobunnie]

Recruit friends and family to help you move, and as many as you can get. Move on a day he won't be home. Doesn't matter if he's in a rough patch. He will always be in a rough patch.

 

My mom's friend planned everything ahead of time, got a new place to live, and on the week her husband (now ex husband) was away on a business trip, her friend and mom helped her pack everything and move.

 

When I had a break-up, I had so many people helping me, it only took 2 hours.

[Meggaboo121]

Recruit friends and family to help you move, and as many as you can get. Move on a day he won't be home. Doesn't matter if he's in a rough patch. He will always be in a rough patch.

 

My mom's friend planned everything ahead of time, got a new place to live, and on the week her husband (now ex husband) was away on a business trip, her friend and mom helped her pack everything and move.

 

When I had a break-up, I had so many people helping me, it only took 2 hours.

That's a good idea. Although I know this is best and it is what I want, I feel like I will crack without support from friends and family. I need someone to reassure me that what I'm doing is right.

[reinventmyself]

Accept the fact that you will feel guilty and will be concerned about his welfare. It's perfectly normal

I would be concerned if you didn't. After all you have a history and a child with this man and you are not heartless.

If you waited until you felt fine about severing a relationship, you'll probably still be there 10 years from now.

Ending relationships are just hard. There's no way around it.

Just pull the trigger!

[moodindigo91]

Hey

 

I am in the same situation minus having a child (unless a dog counts lol).

 

I have been with a guy for 3 years, our relationship hasn't been the best and we are just incompatible. He really believes we should be together regardless. I can't tell why. Little things we do severely annoys the other. For instance, my resistance to eating sushi REALLY bothers him, and he gets actually mad at me if I don't try sushi when I go with him (which is a courtesy in and of itself). He is clingy and needs to cuddle all of the time, this bothers me as I prefer personal space. I could go on and on with a list of our incompatibilities.

 

But every time I've tried to leave, he would get mad, angry. Blame me for things, say he knows he's made mistakes but he's changed now (which I never asked him to do!!!). Then he went from anger to depression, crying and begging me. He would do the same thing, saying I can't afford to live on my own, I'd have to get rid of the dog, maybe move back in with my parents blah blah. When I first tried to leave him, he was unemployed, now he has a job. So now it's that he won't have TIME to take care of the dog, I said I'd take the dog and happily. Then he got mad at me for "taking everything from him" including his dog.

 

I feel extremely guilty, and it has been months. I still have not been able to move out and leave!

 

My advice is that you just have to do it. Just do it and that's it. It is going to suck, there is no buffer. He will cry, he will hate you. He will say very bad things. You will be upset, you will be lonely, you'll probably regret it for a few days and wonder if you did the right thing. I can't even make it sound good for you, it WILL SUCK. Prepare for it. You just have to accept the guilt and feel like crap until one day you will wake up and feel better. You can do it, I promise. And in the end, it will probably be the best decision you've made for yourself.

[Meggaboo121]

Hey

 

I am in the same situation minus having a child (unless a dog counts lol).

 

I have been with a guy for 3 years, our relationship hasn't been the best and we are just incompatible. He really believes we should be together regardless. I can't tell why. Little things we do severely annoys the other. For instance, my resistance to eating sushi REALLY bothers him, and he gets actually mad at me if I don't try sushi when I go with him (which is a courtesy in and of itself). He is clingy and needs to cuddle all of the time, this bothers me as I prefer personal space. I could go on and on with a list of our incompatibilities.

 

But every time I've tried to leave, he would get mad, angry. Blame me for things, say he knows he's made mistakes but he's changed now (which I never asked him to do!!!). Then he went from anger to depression, crying and begging me. He would do the same thing, saying I can't afford to live on my own, I'd have to get rid of the dog, maybe move back in with my parents blah blah. When I first tried to leave him, he was unemployed, now he has a job. So now it's that he won't have TIME to take care of the dog, I said I'd take the dog and happily. Then he got mad at me for "taking everything from him" including his dog.

 

I feel extremely guilty, and it has been months. I still have not been able to move out and leave!

 

My advice is that you just have to do it. Just do it and that's it. It is going to suck, there is no buffer. He will cry, he will hate you. He will say very bad things. You will be upset, you will be lonely, you'll probably regret it for a few days and wonder if you did the right thing. I can't even make it sound good for you, it WILL SUCK. Prepare for it. You just have to accept the guilt and feel like crap until one day you will wake up and feel better. You can do it, I promise. And in the end, it will probably be the best decision you've made for yourself.

Thanks for being so blunt lol

I actually left a few months ago and the guilt ate me alive. I misconstrued that for a feeling of regret and assummed that had meant I wasn't doing the right thing so I came back. And here I am. About to do it again. I'm glad I know what to expect though. Honestly all this time I have been waiting for the most painless and easiest moment to end it and I've been waiting 2 years? Obviously, as you said, it will never be easy.

[Meggaboo121]

Hey

 

I am in the same situation minus having a child (unless a dog counts lol).

 

I have been with a guy for 3 years, our relationship hasn't been the best and we are just incompatible. He really believes we should be together regardless. I can't tell why. Little things we do severely annoys the other. For instance, my resistance to eating sushi REALLY bothers him, and he gets actually mad at me if I don't try sushi when I go with him (which is a courtesy in and of itself). He is clingy and needs to cuddle all of the time, this bothers me as I prefer personal space. I could go on and on with a list of our incompatibilities.

 

But every time I've tried to leave, he would get mad, angry. Blame me for things, say he knows he's made mistakes but he's changed now (which I never asked him to do!!!). Then he went from anger to depression, crying and begging me. He would do the same thing, saying I can't afford to live on my own, I'd have to get rid of the dog, maybe move back in with my parents blah blah. When I first tried to leave him, he was unemployed, now he has a job. So now it's that he won't have TIME to take care of the dog, I said I'd take the dog and happily. Then he got mad at me for "taking everything from him" including his dog.

 

I feel extremely guilty, and it has been months. I still have not been able to move out and leave!

 

My advice is that you just have to do it. Just do it and that's it. It is going to suck, there is no buffer. He will cry, he will hate you. He will say very bad things. You will be upset, you will be lonely, you'll probably regret it for a few days and wonder if you did the right thing. I can't even make it sound good for you, it WILL SUCK. Prepare for it. You just have to accept the guilt and feel like crap until one day you will wake up and feel better. You can do it, I promise. And in the end, it will probably be the best decision you've made for yourself.

Did you ever leave?

[moodindigo91]

Did you ever leave?

 

Haha no! I'm doing the same. I'm in extreme denial right now. I have also been sitting here waiting for the most painless moment to leave, either that or I'm waiting for him to just want to leave himself so that the separation would be guilt free on my part (so selfish). I'm also extremely attached to the dog, which is technically his. I feel absolutely stupid, and generally I consider myself to be an intelligent woman, which makes this feel so much worse! Being this aware of my inability and weakness and still feeling paralyzed to change it is like torture. My pep talk to you is also a pep talk to me! Hopefully you can find the strength to leave again and stick to your guns!

[journeynow]

What if you tell yourself "I have decided that it is time to break off my relationship, AND am going to stay because it isn't easy enough for me to leave. It is better to pretend to have a relationship than be truthful." I know that sounds harsh, but you are choosing the known pain over the unknown. Which may leave you feeling stuck.

 

Have faith in yourself, that you can get through a difficult change and any pain is temporary. The same is true for your boyfriend, give him credit for being able to find a way to handle it, but how he does it is up to him, and doesn't need to look any particular successful way to you. I don't know, but I don't think you do any favors for him by staying with him when you don't want to.