Need help, really screwed up

[Mikey21c]

Hi so as it goes I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years now. Our problems began when she decided to become a bartender and I let my jealousy get the best of me. I began to snoop through her phone and also contact her family and friends whenever I was unable to reach her. This was not the first time and she asked me to cut it out. Once again it has happened and I went through it again with her and this time she told me she has had it and it's over. She went on a date with another guy and told me she didn't have a good time because there was nothing there and all she can think about is me and how much she loves me. At the moment we are on vacation together because this vacation was pre arranged before all of our problems. She has told me that she loves me she cares about me and really doesn't want to leave me but she is unhappy and very disappointed with everything that I did. She says she wants to believe that I am going to change and it is not a temporary thing just to get her back. For once I actually feel like I honestly took her for granted and I want to fix our relationship and trust and get her to trust me and give me another chance because I know I would never take her for granted every again in my life. I genuinely love this girl and she I know that she loves me too. I forgot to mention that we both live together and have pets together that complicate the situation a bit more too. Any advice anyone has would be greatly appreciated.

[MissCanuck]

Where is your insecurity stemming from?

 

Until you find the source, you won't be able to fix it.

[Mikey21c]

It was from all these guys at her job giving her attention and from previous my previous relationship. She actually has not done anything which is my fault. But now she is texting a guy that she went out with even though she keeps telling me there is nothing there and he is just a friend. It is making our vacation uncomfortable.

[gebaird]

I think your best chance to save this relationship is to learn to trust her. Recognize that your jealousy is your problem -- it's not about her and it's not about guys at bars. Start now by not saying anything about the texts she's sending to a guy she met while you were broken up. If you can't work through your baggage, it won't matter anyway. Get some therapy, work on your self-confidence and prove to her that you've changed. If she still chooses to move on, your next relationship will be better because of the work you've done on yourself.

[ATTS20]

Dude, let me be very clear about what's going on. First, you need to move out, ASAP. You're going to say this. You're going to say "Hun, I realize I've been wrongfully Jelly. You're a beautiful woman and I've been the luckiest guy in the world. However, I refuse to have you and I deal with my insecurity in a bubble. I'm going to go handle this situation because we both deserve better." You then leave!

 

That friend that's hovering around, that's the soft landing when she builds enough momentum of resentment to get rid of you. circumvent her plan by walking away in a loving way first and meaning it. She will have NO choice but to come at you. Do not in any way chase her. Do not become controlling and do not under any circumstance beg her, conduct approval seeking behavior etc. You've turned her off, because your insecurity goes against the tenets of masculine core. A masculine core is confident and has self control. It allows the woman he's with to love freely and come and go freely.

 

You still have time to fix this, but you need to move out ASAP, get some help, work on yourself to build your core confidence and understand that she's not better than you. You do deserve to be with her just as much as she deserves to be with you. By playing the weak jealousy card you're driving her away. I'm glad you recognized it, but if it's not already too late, move out and save your relationship.

[Mikey21c]

I think you are right I had an honest heart to heart with her and she told me that she feels like I'm suffocating her and she wants to be left alone and not with anyone right now. She told me to give her the chance to miss me and actually get her mind clear. She does not doubt that she loves me at all or wants to be with me, but my jealousy is pushing her away. Even though we are on vacation together right now she doesn't want to feel like I'm controlling her neither.

[Mikey21c]

I forgot to ask...does anyone think there is a genuine way of giving her space without moving out?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you got possessive jealous and clingy and started stalking her and her family snooping through her phone,etc. It sounds like she hasn't forgiven your lack of boundaries and lack of trust and clinging, but she wishes she could.

 

Leave her alone to show you can be independent, trusting and no so jealous and possessive. Let her come to you. Stop clinging, convincing, pleading, begging, etc.

She has told me that she loves me she cares about me and really doesn't want to leave me but she is unhappy and very disappointed with everything that I did. She says she wants to believe that I am going to change and it is not a temporary thing just to get her back.

[Mikey21c]

Last thing...i had a sit down and heart to heart with her yesterday because I wanted to actually enjoy the rest of my vacation... She is know telling me that there is no hope's... That she likes this guy and wants to see where it goes... She really doesn't know what else to tell me but that is the truth. For better or worse I think it's time to move on as much as it hurts.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, move on. No use running after this.

She is know telling me that there is no hope's... That she likes this guy and wants to see where it goes.

[ATTS20]

Last thing...i had a sit down and heart to heart with her yesterday because I wanted to actually enjoy the rest of my vacation... She is know telling me that there is no hope's... That she likes this guy and wants to see where it goes... She really doesn't know what else to tell me but that is the truth. For better or worse I think it's time to move on as much as it hurts.

 

Mikey21c - I know this hurst a lot. But this is where you need to be so focused, centered, and unfazed, that it will put her in a forever spin cycle. Here is the truth - she's excited about this guy, because she sees how weak and needy you are being. You should NEVER have had a talk about your relationship with her while on vacation. Because all you've done is show her how needy, insecure, and fearful you are. 100% not Masculine Energy.

 

What you should have been doing instead is having a fantastic time together, having fun, making her laugh, and hooking up! You're on vacation man and all you're worried about is how to define your relationship and if you are still worthy of possessing her as your girlfriend. You're missing out the BIG picture. MEN are not designed by nature to chase a relationship. This is a woman's territory. A woman will guide you to the path she wants to go, and then it becomes your job to lead her there successfully.

 

By acting weak, needy, insecure, and fearful, all you've done is build her negative emotions and closed her off - so her release is to go somewhere that is fun, relaxing, and pleasurable - into the arms of another guy who has 0 invested in the relationship. But notice this my man, do you think the new dude is mad, upset, fearful, jealous, needy, or stalkerish? Do you think he's even thinking 1 second about how he can't wait to make her his girl? NO! Why? Because its all new and all he will do is hangout, have fun, and hookup.

 

What can you do? It's simple - you tell your girl that you've enjoyed your relationship, she's a great woman and you wish her nothing but the best. Tell her I know where things went sideways and I know what I need to do. Then you disappear and never contact her again till 60 days have passed, she hasn't heard a word from you and ONLY AFTER she reaches out. You then ask her out on a date and all you'll do from that point on is hang out, have fun, and hook up. rinse and repeat until she brings up missing you and being in love with you.

 

Good luck.

[Mikey21c]

I think you are totally right. To be honest I have had this happen before with a past relationship but it never involved any jealousy our anything like that. I chased chased chased until I finally gave up, couple months later she came running back but I no longer felt the same. I felt like I didn't deserve what happened to me. That's my thing at the moment, I'm starting to feel like I didn't really deserve what shes doing to me now. She could be saying it to just be nice but she says other than our issue I was a great boyfriend and she knows that for the first time she had someone who actually loved her unconditionally. Guys I now just want to have fun on the rest of my vacation in Vegas, but she keeps trying to hang out with me and kiss me and I don't want it. I don't want to be a but it's at the point where I think I just need to get another room.

[westwardho18]

Do you not respect her ? Is she the type shags men at pubs while working ? If not why are you treating her like she is ?? You need to catch a hold of yourself and deal with your insecurities instead of treating your gf like a street walker

[Mikey21c]

I do respect her. I do believe that I have become a very insecure person. I've tried really hard to put all of that aside while on vacation with her now and focus on having a good time. The effect so far is that I no longer see her on her phone texting this other guy. Now instead shes there trying to have a conversation with me and have a good time. You guys have any other advice it is greatly appreciated.

[westwardho18]

Well if you really want to fix your relationship maybe you should talk to someone about your insecurities and try to become the happy person you want to be, if you don't you risk allowing yourself to ruin every relationship you enter. Enjoy ur holiday

[ATTS20]

haha, you're in my city. Dude, this is perfect. You've backed off and you've already watched her come at you! Mikey21c, do not at any point from here on forward brining up the topic of your relationship, how it's defined, or what the boundaries are. She KNOWS YOU LOVE HER! But right now, you're angry with her and have pulled back emotionally from her; she's genuinely sensed it and it's begun to increase her interest level.

 

You need to continue doing what you're doing, but really try to be funny and maker her laugh. It wouldn't hurt, if she saw you flirt a bit with a couple of the cocktail waitresses, patrons, and/or the like. In fact you should hustle for couple of phone numbers while you're at it so she will begin seeing you as the confident dude she met when you first started dating.

 

Stay away from heavy subjects with negativity. Stay away from talking at about your relationship. Simply treat her like she's just a hot girl you met for the very first time. Put your best foot forward and ease into it.

 

Cheers

[MissCanuck]

I dated a man who had similar jealousy and trust issues, OP. It was very draining to constantly have to defend or explain myself when I was doing nothing wrong. Like you, my ex displayed a lack of boundaries and an unwarranted conviction that I would cheat. I never did, nor did I want to.

 

But it got to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I was so turned off by his behaviour that it essentially killed my attraction to him and I didn't want to be around him anymore.

 

I tell you this not to scold you, as it sounds like you realize how bad this is. But I am trying to give you a taste of what it feels like from the other side. It's really unpleasant. She has been clear it's over, at least for now. Give her space and time. Especially if there is another guy already in the picture, there's not a lot you can do. Take this is a hard lesson learned and begin your own healing.

[Mikey21c]

Hey dude yea thanks for the advice. It really has worked until today, I really don't know why but she is really fixed on this other guy. We spent the whole day together and she just can't stop texting this dude. On top of that I found her sneaking off to talk to him on the phone. Last but not least we had a great car ride together but I believe that was only because her phone was dead. As soon as we got back to our hotel she ran to charge her phone and is on it texting him in front of my face again. I literally don't understand her disrespect for me. The first couple of days she started to give me all her attention and we were drinking, at the pool, hooking up and all types of stuff. When we go to bed she wants to be all over me too, but literally he gets all her attention all day long. What should I do?

[Mikey21c]

It has become very clear that there is another guy already. It hurts to know that she wants to be with someone else. I do believe though if I do leave her for good she will come back, the question is will I accept her then. I want to be with her. I mean that was the reason why we moved in together. Did you ever go back to your boyfriend? How did you feel after it was finally over?

[MissCanuck]

It has become very clear that there is another guy already. It hurts to know that she wants to be with someone else. I do believe though if I do leave her for good she will come back, the question is will I accept her then. I want to be with her. I mean that was the reason why we moved in together. Did you ever go back to your boyfriend? How did you feel after it was finally over?

 

I assume you are addressing me, so here's my response.

 

No, I never went back to my ex. I felt sad but more than that, I felt relieved and free when it was finally over.

That's the honest truth. I was so drained from the accusations and so tired of the lack of respect he displayed that I had lost romantic feelings for him.

 

That was more than 2 years ago now and I have since met another man who is secure and has not once accused me of anything. Really, it's a welcome breath of fresh air. The confidence he exudes is so much more attractive than the controlling and jealous behaviour I put up with in the past.

 

Sorry to say, but I think she is gone. It really wasn't a smart move to go on holiday together after breaking up, because you're now seeing she's moving on.

[Mikey21c]

I here and I think she feels the same way. I think she feels drained by everything that's been going on and choose to talk to this other guy to try and get over me. Through this vacation though, I've noticed that once I came to grips with the situation and let go, shes been actually more friendly to me and tends to throw actions around me as if we were still together. I know she still loves me and cares about me by everything that she has told me and I don't expect her to be over me overnight. I just feel like we both need this time apart to grow individually and see what is that we really want in life. I already have set up appointments to get help when I get back and I think I do need it because I need to get over my insecurities. If not I will never be happy no matter who I'm with. Thank you guys for all the comments.