Need advice

[kingsrh247]

So ex fiance split up with me in February she's now telling me she wants to commit to trying to fix our family were currently going to counseling to try to fix our problems..but problem is for me is she's got this dude on the side or something he goes to her work when she's on her break. Went to drop a letter off at her mail box and he was sleeping over. My daughter says his name for Godsake even when she sees my picture or even just randomly. She says he's just a friend but definetly seems to be more. But my question is can you fix your family and have someone on the side like that? How can you be commited to fixing your problems to get your family together when you have someone on the side like that? I confronted her and told her she's not commited bc she has that guy on the side n stuff and told her she doesn't care about fixing our family. She says "what I can't have friends?" And then goes on saying " it's these things that make me not what to be with you". Am I wrong for saying those things or being hurt and mad she has this guy on the side and saying she's commited to fixing our family. We are not together so she is single.

[Matt3939]

I agree with you I'm sure if you decide to go to therapy with this woman they will say the same. Don't waste your time she is far from serious.

[gebaird]

Yeah, step one to fixing your family would be dumping the boy toy. If she's not willing to do that, no amount of therapy will help.

[shellyf62]

Have you told the counselor that she has this guy around & sleeping over?

[kingsrh247]

Yes and the counselor didn't say much about it bc the ex said she feels since she's single she isn't doing anything wrong. I was expecting counselor to side with what I had said about not being commited bit she didn't say anything at all

[gebaird]

Yes and the counselor didn't say much about it bc the ex said she feels since she's single she isn't doing anything wrong. I was expecting counselor to side with what I had said about not being commited bit she didn't say anything at all

 

It may be time for a new counselor ...

[kingsrh247]

I just feel like giving up but then that would mean I'm giving up on my family even knowing she already did. Idk if it's even worth trying to get a new counselor I'm at the point where I'm just gonna not go anymore. I love this women to death never love anyone like this before besides my own kid. Idk what to do

[gebaird]

I just feel like giving up but then that would mean I'm giving up on my family even knowing she already did.

 

You can't control her, you can only control you. If she's really not going to change, the very worst thing you could do is keep trying to make it work. All you can do is your part. If she's not going to do her part, the best thing to do is cut your losses and start learning to be okay without her (easier said than done, I know).

[kingsrh247]

You can't control her, you can only control you. If she's really not going to change, the very worst thing you could do is keep trying to make it work. All you can do is your part. If she's not going to do her part, the best thing to do is cut your losses and start learning to be okay without her (easier said than done, I know).

I totally agree just there are times when she gives me false hopes she texts me from the morning till we go to bed she texts me to see how my days going at work just little things like that make me feel like she's wanting to put effort in and not give up I know I can't control her and wouldn't want to but she definetly knows how to keep my close by and it's hard to keep that from happening when we have a kid together

[gebaird]

... she definetly knows how to keep my close by and it's hard to keep that from happening when we have a kid together

 

You're in a tough spot. Only you know what you are and aren't willing to put up with. Only you know if it's time to stay or walk away. Only you know if you are fighting a battle that can't be won. Family is so important, but so is your own psychological health. Just don't put your whole life on hold because she's keeping you dangling from a string. I honestly wouldn't stay in this mess for too long. She can text you all she wants about kid-related stuff, but you can draw the line at relationship talk (when you are ready).

[kingsrh247]

You're in a tough spot. Only you know what you are and aren't willing to put up with. Only you know if it's time to stay or walk away. Only you know if you are fighting a battle that can't be won. Family is so important, but so is your own psychological health. Just don't put your whole life on hold because she's keeping you dangling from a string. I honestly wouldn't stay in this mess for too long. She can text you all she wants about kid-related stuff, but you can draw the line at relationship talk (when you are ready).

Thank you for the advice much appreciated

[ATTS20]

Kingsrh - I feel for you. I really do. It sucks. But therapy will not solve this problem at all. You're right in that the guy coming around is not just a friend. Lets be honest and note you're not getting laid which means he is. I know that's not what you want to hear but you have 3 issues here Klingsrh

 

1.) She has low integrity - You can't save this family, because you have an ex fiancé whom you have chased away into the arms of another man.

2.) You suffer from being a wimpus Americanus - The nice guy without a backbone who hasn't stood up to her in a gentleman way. You've let her get away with a lot because you simply wanted to avoid drama and be accommodating. You're actions screamed weakness and she got rid of you as a result.

3.) You're diluting yourself - by thinking the kids want to live in a house with 2 unloving parents.

 

My advice - Tell your shrink to take a hike then go hire a different shrink to help you fix your self confidence. Start working out, reading books, applying for a better job, finding a hobby, and just go get the best life has to offer you. Tell the ex fiancé "it was great, and now you're just somebody I used to know"

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sucks she's seeing someone and your kid is there, but focus on the co-parenting aspect to this.

How can you be commited to fixing your problems to get your family together when you have someone on the side like that? She says "what I can't have friends?" And then goes on saying " it's these things that make me not what to be with you". We are not together so she is single.

Was this what was in the mailbox?: