Growing Apart

[Chris M]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this forum. Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

 

My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years. We have lived together for most of this time.

I love her with all my heart and would still do anything for her, but what she is proposing hurts me very much -

 

She is looking for us to start living separately. We have been sleeping in separate beds for a while too.

None of which I am happy about. I've never encountered this problem before. I like to think that I'm easy to live with and handy around the house too. Not perfect but committed and loving.

 

I guess you could call me traditional but it just doesn't seem healthy to move apart. It seems like a big step backwards to me, and I'm usually an-all-or-nothing guy. I am of the mind set to try and fix these problems and wish that I could. We have had our problems but I like to think that I've supported her, loved her and been a loyal partner.

 

We are now both working and bringing in good money. Something that we've never had before. This was our time to enjoy life but this stress of this has made me depressed.

 

I have given her a few opportunities to end it between us if that's what she wants but that's never happened. Is having your own space the modern thing? To me it's a sad step in the wrong direction. I don't want to jump to conclusions but if it this happens when she gets her mortgage, I honestly don't know if I can compromise on this.

[MissCanuck]

Your relationship is going to end. She's probably hoping you will be the one to pull the trigger so she doesn't feel so bad.

 

Who on earth thinks that fixing a relationship involves taking on their own mortgage and moving out? She's done. Sooner or later, she'll muster up the strength to finally say it.

[BrianH46]

She is done with this relationship. I advise for you to prepare yourself for it.

[Chris M]

Your relationship is going to end. She's probably hoping you will be the one to pull the trigger so she doesn't feel so bad.

 

Who on earth thinks that fixing a relationship involves taking on their own mortgage and moving out? She's done. Sooner or later, she'll muster up the strength to finally say it.

 

Thanks for your feedback. Her reasoning is that we jumped in too fast and bypassed the dating thing.

Do you think I am being unfair in giving her an ultimatum?

[gebaird]

Is having your own space the modern thing?

 

If it is, then call me old-fashioned.

 

It sounds like your relationship is regressing, not progressing. This is not an okay situation and it will not lead to good things. Don't put up with this kind of treatment. Speak your truth. This relationship either needs to be fixed or ended. It cannot continue as it is. If she won't end it, then you can be the one to do it. She is taking advantage of your love and loyalty, treating you like a doormat because you allow it.

[kbbcoop77]

Nope nope nope...she sounds like she's done but doesn't want to say it ..actions not words...

[Chris M]

She helped me with my mortgage deposit. I now rent out that property to a tenant.

I am currently helping her with her deposit. I don't want to pay for it and not be living in the new house.

 

I trust her and she has been honest from day one. I find it hard to believe that she would have an agenda. I know her well and one of the things that I like is actually her blunt honesty. This is what is confusing me.

[Matt3939]

Like the other poster said these are actions. It's not leaving the house for a little while. She's buying a place. It's not like you had a fight and are on the couch for a day. This sounds like it's a long time in the making. Id say shes done. Good luck

[jennydanielle7]

Coming from a woman's perspective, it doesn't look so good. Sleeping in separate beds and wanting to move out are pretty both definite signs that she no longer wants to be in the relationship and is hoping you initiate the separation.

 

I would just pull the plug. If things are going this badly during the engagement, imagine when you both are married. This relationship will eventually end sooner or later.

[kbbcoop77]

Personally I wouldn't be paying her deposit. She may be stringing you along just for that reason. People don't move forward by moving out on one another. If she helped you with your deposit you would be wiser to make sure any payment you make to her goes toward that outstanding bill...in writing.

[MissCanuck]

Thanks for your feedback. Her reasoning is that we jumped in too fast and bypassed the dating thing.

Do you think I am being unfair in giving her an ultimatum?

 

There's really no point giving her one.

 

As a woman, I would never move away from the man I wanted to spend my life with. She's a bit too late to be saying things moved too quickly - you're engaged. Sorry OP, but her actions are screaming that she's finished with the relationship. Women who are in love and want to be with their man don't buy their own home and move out. She's no longer in love, OP.

 

It's over.

[ATTS20]

Dude! The reason she's moving out is because you've turned her off by coming across needy and weak. She's given you the hint that things haven't been going well because she stopped sleeping in the same bed as you. You like the rest of us males are a typical guy. You just want to solve problems. However, women don't work that way, you need to engage their emotions and that doesn't mean being sappy and writing love poems.

 

You need to date her! But to do that you need to give her space. You can save this relationship by walking out on her! Because for once in your entire relationship you'll have demonstrated having a backbone. In fact the best thing you can do, is walk away and disappear for minimum of 30-60 days. Go date other women, travel, make new friends and enjoy life. Keep her on social media so she can see how great youre doing.

 

This will build up tension and drive her to want you again. When a woman wants to end a relationship we men take it so personal. Most of the time a woman wants some space to gain clarity of thought and resolve her feelings for you. By disappearing and doing your own thing and not contacting her for ANY REASON, you show demonstrate that you're a confident man, who handles himself.

 

go to http://www.understandingrelationships.com for some insight.

[Iggy5129]

Dude! The reason she's moving out is because you've turned her off by coming across needy and weak. She's given you the hint that things haven't been going well because she stopped sleeping in the same bed as you. You like the rest of us males are a typical guy. You just want to solve problems. However, women don't work that way, you need to engage their emotions and that doesn't mean being sappy and writing love poems.

 

You need to date her! But to do that you need to give her space. You can save this relationship by walking out on her! Because for once in your entire relationship you'll have demonstrated having a backbone. In fact the best thing you can do, is walk away and disappear for minimum of 30-60 days. Go date other women, travel, make new friends and enjoy life. Keep her on social media so she can see how great youre doing.

 

This will build up tension and drive her to want you again. When a woman wants to end a relationship we men take it so personal. Most of the time a woman wants some space to gain clarity of thought and resolve her feelings for you. By disappearing and doing your own thing and not contacting her for ANY REASON, you show demonstrate that you're a confident man, who handles himself.

 

go to http://www.understandingrelationships.com for some insight.

 

W T F is this? Why is ENA now full of advertisements from get your ex back and other BS websites.

 

Go away.

[ATTS20]

W T F is this? Why is ENA now full of advertisements from get your ex back and other BS websites.

 

Go away.

 

Not at all an advertisement. I know it seems like it, but I'm simply trying to help this guy. I have no motive of any sort regarding that website, a book, a song, or anything for that matter. It's simply a resource I used to learn a lot about dating and my personal relationships, were I went wrong, and what I need to do better moving forward. I would love to have provided 10 different links to 10 different subject matter experts, but unfortunately I don't know any. So perhaps asking the right question vs jumping to conclusions would be a better way of communicating?

[Chris M]

We had a talk about things tonight and we're still like two bulls locking horns on the subject. She's still adamant that we're not splitting up. She just wants her living space.

 

So the denial is begging to pass and I'm accepting that nothing lasts forever and I get onto the subject of the £5K deposit she wants me to pay for her mortgage. She gave me £3K for my deposit but the thing is, I have supported her financially when she's not been in work. I have never been out of work period. When she decided that she no longer wants to stay on the West Coast of Scotland (my house), we let out my property to a tenant and I paid a £1K deposit to move to a private let here. That's £1K covered in my books and the other £1K was paid in supporting her for 6 months. Think I'm being fair here.

[Chris M]

I appreciate your feedback ATTS20.

 

Considering staying at a friends for a bit.

[Wiseman2]

Moving out and not sleeping together are not good signs.

 

Because it is M;6634406]It seems like a big step backwards to me

[kbbcoop77]

We had a talk about things tonight and we're still like two bulls locking horns on the subject. She's still adamant that we're not splitting up. She just wants her living space.

 

So the denial is begging to pass and I'm accepting that nothing lasts forever and I get onto the subject of the £5K deposit she wants me to pay for her mortgage. She gave me £3K for my deposit but the thing is, I have supported her financially when she's not been in work. I have never been out of work period. When she decided that she no longer wants to stay on the West Coast of Scotland (my house), we let out my property to a tenant and I paid a £1K deposit to move to a private let here. That's £1K covered in my books and the other £1K was paid in supporting her for 6 months. Think I'm being fair here.

 

You two need to come to an agreement about the deposit she paid and if there was any kind of contract on repayment or was there an agreement you supporting her went towards that payment? It's a slippery slope. Whatever you do don't hand her £5K ...it sounds like she's counting on that before cutting you loose.

[MissCanuck]

You two need to come to an agreement about the deposit she paid and if there was any kind of contract on repayment or was there an agreement you supporting her went towards that payment? It's a slippery slope. Whatever you do don't hand her £5K ...it sounds like she's counting on that before cutting you loose.

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

OP, if you give that deposit, you might as well consider it her break-up gift from you. I highly doubt you will see it again and your relationship is only inching closer to its end anyway.