Why Do I love Him?

[caitlyn123]

Before I begin with my problems I want to give a little back story first. My fiance and I have been together since teenagers. We have had our ups and downs in the last 10 years but we always came back stronger. We overcame a long distance relationship, financial difficulties, and the trails of being young and trying to raise a family when it seems that the odds were always against you. I left my family and moved in with him right after my 18th birthday by then we had been together 5 years and had a 6th month old daughter. We started off sleeping in the floor and getting by paycheck by paycheck but we were happy. Now our daughter is 4 and we have a nice house, furniture, and two cars, you would think we couldn't be happier? I always stood by him no matter how rough things got and until now I thought that counted for something. A few months ago we decided as a couple that my disabled grandparents should move in because they raised me and were their health was declining rapidly. Without help and extra financial help they would not have made it. My fiance's mother already lived with us so didn't see the issue. Since then we have been arguing about money, life, and I have been questioning my trust for him. Lately my fiance who works overnight has been talking to a female co-worker and hiding it from me. When I first questioned him about this girl he said she was just a friend but then I saw messages that were she called him bae. Yet again when questioned about it he said stood by his statement that they were just friends and explained that he asked her not to call him that. Now he has cheated on me in the past and flirted with girls at work before. But that was before our daughter and I thought we had moved forward. As a result we promised not to have friends of the opposite sex. The same girl that called him "bae" over a text message started calling our phone private, having other people call our phone, and she had her friend who works at a gas station I frequent flip out on me not once but twice accusing me of standing in the way of her friends happiness and telling me my fiance is going to her house cheating on me. My husband works an overnight shift and I was not always up when he would come home in the mornings so I had no ideal who to believe. For awhile I thought he was telling me truth and stopped talking to the girl but I was wrong he was just covering his tracks. Once again when I confronted him he said they were just friends and used the excuse that he works overnight he doesn't get to hang out with his old friends, play basketball, or do anything he likes to do anymore. I decided to find out the truth for myself and followed him one day when he went to the barbershop and he led me straight to her house. I was hurt and embarrassed I left two days later I found out I had a miscarriage. My fiance and I had a major fight and didn't talk for awhile when we did he still insisted they were just friends and that even that was officially over.

 

Since I had already became mistrustful I enabled the google tracker on our phone to be sure it was over. For days nothing happened so I assumed it was truly over and felt guilty for spying so I told him about the tracker and turned it off. During the our daughters first week of school he was off one morning and said he was going to the gym and would be back in time to take our daughter to school, he wasn't. When he returned home he didn't smell like the gym and the a/c was off in our car which is unusually because it's 98 degrees outside and he is always hot. So I questioned him about that and found out he was had went to take that girls son to school knowing good and well that it meant something to our daughter for both of her parents to take her to school. Yet again he acted like he was remorseful and insisted it was over. But I didn't believe it so next chance I got I followed him straight back to her house.

 

I am so confused, depressed, and lost feeling that I can't focus on anything I have missed three deadlines for college essays and I am starting to feel numb. I have no ideal what to do because we have so much together and so much is at stake if this ends badly I don't think I can make it alone. I don't work at the moment because he insisted that it was his place to care for the family and that I should focus on obtaining my psychology degree. My grandparents and his mother pay their share of the bills and rent is so high that on my own even with my grandparents our income would not make it. He attempted to guilt trip by throwing everything he does for me and provides for me almost like it makes up for his lying. Even though I stood by his side and helped him build everything we have together. Our first car was crappy but I payed half and he payed half now because he has a camaro its like he forgot what it was like when we had nothing and who helped him get started.

 

I would like to try couples therapy but I feel like getting my fiance on board to give it a chance will be hard. And building my trust for him is going to be even harder. I don't want to feel guilty or as though I am taking away all of his privacy but at this point I feel that the only way to make it through this and stay together I need more security. Am I wrong for thinking he should allow me to track his calls, texts, and location for sometime. After all he did cause these problems shouldn't he have to deal with the consequences if he sincerely wants to work things out? I would only feel comfortable taking them off after successful counseling. We both came from broken homes I neither one of us wants that for our daughter.

[gebaird]

Please don't marry this guy. I realize you have a daughter together, but having a baby didn't cause him to change his cheating ways and marriage won't either. You shouldn't have to act like a stalker or private detective when you are in a loving and committed relationship. You shouldn't have to ask if it's fair for you to be tracking his calls, texts and location -- if you are asking these questions it is evidence that the relationship is irreparable.

 

Don't throw away your college education because your anxiety about this situation is keeping you from turning in essays and getting good grades. That's your ticket to a better life. Get some counseling for yourself even if your fiance won't go. Talk with a professional about your options and make needed changes. You can continue lying to yourself that he'll eventually come around and love only you, but you deserve better than that. Even if you aren't sure how or when to leave him, set a goal and start moving in that direction. The answers will come.

[Wiseman2]

Same guy/situation from these two identical threads?:

 

 

 

[caitlyn123]

Yes I wasn't sure how to edit the original post so I started another and added what else I wanted to say.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are in a tenuous position with all of your family and you depending on him and having a young child and no job. So he feels free to cheat, as wrong as that is.

 

Yes you are wrong for playing detective and putting tracking devices on him. He's a cheater not a prisoner on parole. That will not give you security nor make him stop cheating.

My fiance and I have been together since teenagers.I don't want to feel guilty or as though I am taking away all of his privacy but at this point I feel that the only way to make it through this and stay together I need more security. Am I wrong for thinking he should allow me to track his calls, texts, and location for sometime.

[ThatwasThen]

Caitlyn: If he won't get help to learn how to be faithful then you have two choices:

 

1. You stay with him and you accept his need to have more then one sexual partner ~ You have the same choice and you label your relationship as an "Open Marriage."

 

2. You leave him after you've sussed out an affordable place for you and your daughter to live or you lean on your parents (if you are on good terms) and you hope they help you. You do this after you see a lawyer to find out what your rights are financially.

 

You can't change him unless he wants to change and he'll never want to as long as he knows he has you sewed up and you're too afraid to leave him and his cheating ways.

 

What are you going to do?

[changeiscoming]

In terms of length of your relationship I've been in a very toxic relationship for over 15 years. I met my GF at the age of 19 and have gone through many trials and tribulations... I've been through counselling, I've read books and received very good advice from people on this forum. Still months pass and years pass and what was planted inside of us by losing trust especially more when you have a deep bond surviving so many other struggles in life hurts.

 

There is the right thing to do and leave and change things; yet it's so hard to do. It's crazy how the heart and mind work even when it's so clear what we should do we can't. The best advice I can give is brace yourself; do what makes you feel better whatever that might be. Schooling should be a priority; Don't give up on yourself. No matter what choice you make your intuition and you're gut will always guide you; maybe not tomorrow a month from now but sooner or later if it's not right the voice will get louder and louder.

 

The real question is are you willing to exchange more "TIME" .... PS: The best revenge for me has been focusing on myself, improving myself; Get that schooling done and watch your confidence come back....

[caitlyn123]

Thank you everyone for your advice I really needed it because I felt too overwhelmed to be able to properly access what was going on in my life and devise a plan of change. Since my postings I made the decision to sit down and discuss our options with my fiance. The result was we decided to go to couples therapy. I also gave him back my engagement rings and told him I would never put them back on if we are able to work things out and I can learn to trust him again. I added that when and if I decide to ever put my rings back he would have to do it and symbol that the lying, cheating, and heartbreak was forever behind us. Since then we have attended one counseling session where the counselor reinforced to us that if things don't change it won't just destroy our relationship but effect our child.

 

The therapist also insisted that work on building myself more by finding outlets outside of our home so I don't feel like I am being suffocated. For the last three years my life as solely revolved around my daughter, fiance, and household duties and I am sick of feeling useless like I am not contributing enough and always depending on his assets. Before the birth of our daughter I worked and enjoyed it and even though he forgets about it I supported him for a while also. I start a new job next Monday and have arranged a 6 week break from college so I can focus on healing and distressing my life. The therapist thought these changes were great but also suggested taking a break in our relationship or at least creating space so that we can both can rethink what we want and our priorities. Since then I have been staying by a friends house and will continue to do so for the next week.

 

For everyone who suggested that our relationship issues may stem from both of my parents and his mother living with us the therapist called bull on this issue because without their added income we wouldn't be able to live as nicely as we do and given the split level floor plan of our home it almost seems like its separate living. The therapist seems to think that my fiance is using his job and our parents living with us as a crutch to ease his conscious about his actions. The therapist seems to think that if our parents did not live with us the added stress of financial burdens would be an even bigger strain on our relationship. I think I might start doing a weekly blog about repairing my relationship and more importantly myself.

 

PS. If it helps paint a better picture my house is set up to wear my parents and his mom has there own entrance at the ground level compete with their own kitchen two bedrooms, two baths, living area,and patio, basically a separate apartment. There is a staircase that gives access to the second level but since my parents are disabled we always go down to their level to see them because its hard for them to get up and down stairs. Our level of the house also has its own entrance with three bedrooms, two baths, living area, kitchen, laundry room, and a porch. So is that really a terrible living situation?

[ThatwasThen]

PS. If it helps paint a better picture my house is set up to wear my parents and his mom has there own entrance at the ground level compete with their own kitchen two bedrooms, two baths, living area,and patio, basically a separate apartment. There is a staircase that gives access to the second level but since my parents are disabled we always go down to their level to see them because its hard for them to get up and down stairs. Our level of the house also has its own entrance with three bedrooms, two baths, living area, kitchen, laundry room, and a porch. So is that really a terrible living situation?

That is rather like an apartment building, not like living together.

 

However: If you were living together all in the same space, as was first thought, what would your therapist think about that? I'm curious to know because my thinking is that that alone would cause a great gulf divide in the husband/wife emotional connection. No one (least not me anyway) wants to have intimate sexual relations with my parents just a drywall away.

 

I remember by Aunt and Uncle moved into my cousins separate entranced basement apartment which lasted about a year because they couldn't stand the sound of my cousin (their daughter) and her husband going at it in the marital bedroom two floors up. Which of course affected their sex life because they were afraid that their daughter could hear them too... lol

 

Adding: Good for you for taking a stance and forming some boundaries.

[caitlyn123]

I was so upset when I first posted that I left out all the details. As I said it really is not a problem the worst problems we face is groceries (since we do share a food bill), parking, and for myself the strain of basically cleaning and cooking for two houses. However those issues do not affect my fiance or boyfriend in any way because he is not the one having to do it I am. Other than that the house has pretty good sound installation and you can not hear anything from either floor. My parents forgot their house key and waited outside for over an hour because I did not hear or see them knocking and my phone was on vibrate.

 

The crazy thing about this whole experience is our sex life never faltered not to share to much information but our sex life was great and very frequent. As we discussed in therapy the only desire I left unfulfilled is I will not partake in anal sex which is something my boyfriend has always wanted and the therapist said this is due to his unrealistic perception of sex due to porn. As our therapist said our relationship issues stems from internal turmoil inside of my boyfriend and perhaps stems from problems he experienced as a child. My boyfriend's father was abusive to his children and when my boyfriend was 6 his mother left the marriage due to being abused and cheated on. My father in law even had a child with another woman while he was married to my boyfriends mom. But because he was a successful black man he thought he had the right to be a womanizer and abusive both physically and emotionally to everyone around him. My boyfriend never dealt with his issues even after he left his fathers home at age 16 one month before we met. I also had a traumatic past which left me with an array a problems which he was a savior to me because he helped me heal my wounds. Perhaps he never dealt with his problems because he was always trying to care for mine.

[ThatwasThen]

I was so upset when I first posted that I left out all the details. As I said it really is not a problem the worst problems we face is groceries (since we do share a food bill), parking, and for myself the strain of basically cleaning and cooking for two houses. However those issues do not affect my fiance or boyfriend in any way because he is not the one having to do it I am. Then you're not living separately but rather as a family unit if you're having to cook for them. Does your therapist know the extent of what you do for two sets of parents?

 

The crazy thing about this whole experience is our sex life never faltered not to share to much information but our sex life was great and very frequent. As we discussed in therapy the only desire I left unfulfilled is I will not partake in anal sex which is something my boyfriend has always wanted and the therapist said this is due to his unrealistic perception of sex due to porn.

I have no "unrealistic perception of sex due to porn" in fact I wanted to try anal before I ever saw it done in a porn film. I'd call her assessment of that a little pre-mature with you only having had one appointment with her. If she's not careful, her biased conclusions favouring you, are going to cause your husband not to want to continue.

 

As our therapist said our relationship issues stems from internal turmoil inside of my boyfriend and perhaps stems from problems he experienced as a child. My boyfriend's father was abusive to his children and when my boyfriend was 6 his mother left the marriage due to being abused and cheated on. My father in law even had a child with another woman while he was married to my boyfriends mom. But because he was a successful black man he thought he had the right to be a womanizer and abusive both physically and emotionally to everyone around him. My boyfriend never dealt with his issues even after he left his fathers home at age 16 one month before we met.

That I can understand.

 

I also had a traumatic past which left me with an array a problems which he was a savior to me because he helped me heal my wounds. Perhaps he never dealt with his problems because he was always trying to care for mine.

You would be surprised at how many of those things have not actually healed if you've never talked to a professional about them. The fact that you are such a caretaker (the opposite of caregiver) to two sets of parents and a troubled, sex addicted man says something.

 

Anyway, I hope that your husband also gets personal therapy to help him overcome or to come to terms with his childhood issues. Marriage counselling is a good start but he has issues that he needs to deal with on his own as well.

 

Good luck going forth.

[Wiseman2]

It may be best to determine which problems are which. For example issues with your parents are not an issues with your bf. When you start working, some of your financial strains and boredom will improve. Hopefully you will not all day installing spyware and tracking him

As I said it really is not a problem the worst problems we face is groceries (since we do share a food bill), parking, and for myself the strain of basically cleaning and cooking for two houses

[changeiscoming]

All the best to you... Work on yourself, identify with you; without him. Don't get comfortable... I'm giving advice that I need! Maybe somewhat biased but I truly hope you can heal your soul.