Why is he still calling?

[Elizabeth704]

I'm 24 years old and been a pretty casual dater my whole life but at the beginning of June I met a guy and we clicked immediately. Within 2 weeks I had completely fallen for him and on June 30th he told me he was in love with me. Later that day something bad happened and he almost lost his life. His mom called me, I rushed to the hospital and for the next 3 weeks my whole world became work and the hospital. His mom would call me, his sisters would call me. I became really close to a lot of his family when all this happened. His mom really liked me, she'd tell me i made her son so happy and when he would wake up and I wasn't there he'd ask for me over and over. She loved me cause her son loved me. And I knew I loved him too. He came home, things stayed really good, he was having a quick recovery and by the end of July/beginning of August he was almost as good as new. He was able to go out again, he was seeing his friends but once I got off work or had my days off his time was all mine. But it started to fade. The all day texting stopped, the sweet phone calls through out the day stopped, a few times he'd tell me he was waiting for his cousin to give him a ride to my house and he'd never come. As things became more inconsistent the more insecure I became. I told myself he's getting better, he just wants to go out. But then my crazy said if he misses 1 phone call why not call 3 more times? I started to act so out of character.. Blowing up his phone, crying, begging to know if it was another girl, why was he doing this? For a little bit he was just as crazy as me, we'd get together, I'd threaten to leave and he'd make me stay. We'd argue about nothing but 10 minutes later he'd tell me he loved me. Our relationship was not what It was anymore but it's like neither of us wanted the other to leave.

 

Last week he finally had enough. He promised me 3 times he was coming to my Over when I got off work and he never showed. I lost it. I couldn't take it anymore. We were both at fault but he broke up with me. He told me to never call him again. So I didn't. I cried for 3 days straight and on the end of the 3rd day, he called. He told me he missed me, he asked if I had seen anyone else, what have I been doing, etc. He called back a few hours later to ask what I was doing tomorrow, if we could see each other. He didn't call the next day and I didn't either. After the day he didn't call, he called again and I cried I said this is so hard you either want me or you need to let me move on, he told me he wasn't sure what to say and hung up. He called back to tell me he still loves me. The next day he called me over and over. We were just talking and laughing it was like nothing changed. He told me he missed me so much. I felt so good. The next day he called me at 2 to ask to come over later, I had plans with my best friend so I told him I'd call him when I got home. I called him around 9. He told me never mind, he's busy now, he had been waiting for me and if he decides to come he knows where I live. That was Friday. I haven't heard from him since.

 

My friends have told me some of their opinions but everyone just seems confused. I haven't reached out to him since we broke up but he just keeps calling and I'm not ready to not answer. And now that it's been 2 days I'm actually scared he isn't going to call again.

 

I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for.. I just don't understand why he's doing this??? He's not getting anything from me not sex, money, a place to stay he's just calling me and getting my hopes up and for what?

 

Anything would help..

[milly007]

It sounds like he's playing games. He's causing you stress/grief. I would cut ties with him. This relationship sounds toxic and it's definitely not adding anything positive to your life. Let it go, and don't hold onto this relationship because of what you thought it was, or what you think it could be. Don't subject yourself to an unhealthy relationship. It isn't worth it.

[Hollyj]

He is playing games, not reliable, blows you off. He is a crazy maker and is not capable of a relationship. I think he did have some feelings for you, but I think things have changed.

 

You two really didn't know one another, then he had the accident. He was infatuated, Then he had this adoring, loving woman at his side, I'm sure it felt great for him to have all of the attention. When he got out, the infatuation had passed, and he realized he did not want a girlfriend.

 

He is really messing with you. All he wants now is to string you along. He does not want you, but he also does not anyone else to have you.

 

You need to go NC with this guy. He does not want a relationship and has demoted you to a fallback option. You will feel even worse, if you continue contact. Block!!!!

 

Hon, the first time he blew you off should have been a major red flag, the second time you should have ended it. You are allowing him to treat you like doormat. Do not let men treat you like this.

[ParisPaulette]

I suspect what you're seeing now is what would normally have happened IF the accident or whatever it was that made him so sick had not happened. You two moved way too fast as it was, that's never healthy. All too often it signifies someone who moves too fast then loses interest equally fast, because they don't take the time to slowly build a solid relationship of knowing each other and knowing if you both are compatible and share common goals first.

 

The situation with him being in the hospital added even more of a rush and sort of created a false sense of this being a forever thing that again, I think if you'd been dating him normally might very well not have happened. Yes, you'd have probably still fallen in love, been in the honeymoon stages, and then when he lost interest - which is happening now, let's face it - you'd have recognized this is someone who simply burns hot and bright, but can't sustain interest. And you'd have moved on quickly.

 

His family's reaction is odd too. His mom's comments were over the top, almost as if she herself were a bit frantic that maybe her son would find someone to stick with this time. It's a bit of a red flag actually, it makes me wonder what's happened in his previous relationships. I'm not trying to rag on her, but if one of my sons landed in the hospital and a girl he'd just started dating was around and such I would be warm to her, I would welcome any assistance she was giving, but the whole "you make my son soooo happy?" Yeah, too much and just...something seems off about her reaction.

 

I would also suspect that yes he has lost interest, but his family may very well be pressuring him to stay in contact. It then makes him feel guilty, feel like he needs to please his family by going through the motions of contacting you, but his actions--not his words, those pretty much mean nothing at this point since he's not backing those up with any actions--his actions say he doesn't want to make the effort. I'm suspecting he's looking for any out he can and to get his family off his back.

 

I'm sorry, but I think the whole hospital thing really mucked this about and you need to not lose sight of the fact that it's only now you're really getting to know the guy, you actually didn't before no matter how much his family gushed over you. And this guy is someone who makes empty promises, comes around only when it suits him and just enough to make sure you haven't moved on, but isn't actually doing anything to see you. My guess is he's trying very hard to get you to break up with him.

 

All I can tell you is to go NC, stop sitting by the phone, stop letting him keep you in limbo. This whole thing is just too new to have this much drama and game playing and what you're seeing now is who he is, who he really is. And I would say he's lost interest and is trying desperately to get you to let go, so he doesn't have to have his family on his back.

 

You need to be the one to end it, because he will likely continue to string you along so he can keep putting his family off about why he's not now wanting to date you. I'm sorry, but again this all happened way too fast and you actually really only barely know this guy. You shouldn't even be meeting the family for a good solid six months or more and to meet in an emergency builds in a false intimacy that isn't really there.

[melangey]

Sorry hon, but until he finds someone new (or in his mind "better") he'll keep doing that. When people get used to talking to someone, even if they stop liking them, they're dependent on having an ear to listen. Jerk or not, he probably considers you important. It might just be that the "important" part of you is that you're a warm body. Sex is addictive and if you stop, with nothing to fill the void (so to speak) you suddenly think you've done the wrong thing.

 

Give it time. Ignore him if you have to. He'll find another person to drive insane. It's what I'm doing... sort of. I answered him a little, but considering MY issue with him was lack of communication/aloofness, I'm calm enough now that I can answer with annoying one word responses and act like I don't care.

 

Because really, I don't. I'm just glad I don't have to cry anymore.

 

OR he wants to make sure you're ok because he genuinely cares. But it sounds like he cares more about himself. This is also a way to alleviate guilt from dumping someone. Once you learn to view it that way, you don't feel bad anymore.