hopelessinlov3 Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 After leaving my boyfriend of 4 years because he was living a double life for two of them, I just found out he is engaged to the other woman (courtesy of the picture of a huge rock on her finger). The rejection I feel is 10x more than I previously felt and I don't know how to cope. This man lied and cheated on both of us everyday for two years and the only reason he stopped was because he got caught. I refused to look the other way and be his doormat, so he ran right into her bed. Not only did she take him back but he gave her a ring, my mind is blown. He's already been divorced once before and the person I knew would never rush into a marriage again, I just don't understand. As petty as this sounds, I feel like he "won" because he salvaged one of the two relationships and I'm devastated, confused, and questioning my own judgement, was my whole relationship just a lie, who is this person that I loved? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 Who indeed, Hope. Is this the sort of individual you would want to be with, or would you recommend him to your sister or female friends? I think not. This individual is no "winner" Hope. Quite the contrary. A fact which the current woman will find out in due course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt3939 Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 If anyone won it was you. Cause you don't have him in your life anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 I'm not sure why you would even know that he gave her a ring. Surely you are not creeping their social networking sites, you're not still talking to the lying b-tard? Surely you've told all of your friends that you do NOT want to know anything about him or her... yes? If you have not, then do the self-loving thing and get going on blocking and deleting or at least disengaging. She is the one that has to put up with his lying and cheating now. Surely you don't think he's suddenly going to develop integrity, a conscience, a decency about him? She will be married to a man that will shred her worse then you are ever feeling about this because she's stupid enough to take him in when she knows what he's capable of. That's telling him that he has free reign to do it to her again. Like Matt says, you're the winner here and don't you let your ego tell you anything different. Hold you head high and know, without a doubt that you did the right thing. Now, just cut him off from your life for good by deleting everything about him. Feel better soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 Further: And without malice I advise: DO reflect back and think about all the red flags this guy was displaying that you ignored so that you don't let any one else ever do something like this to you again. Surely there were many things that made you wonder about what he was doing. One cannot hold two lives without some indication that something really fishy is going on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 You won because you dodged a huge bullet by getting rid of this guy. Sooner or later the new woman in his life will figure out he's a POS cheater. Dont feel bad, feel glad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopelessinlov3 Posted August 28, 2016 Author Share Posted August 28, 2016 I found out that they were engaged because she took the liberty of sending me a picture of the ring and telling me that she decided to forgive him and wants me to never be in communication with him again. On discovery day we both agreed to leave him, only one of us obviously meant it. Looking back there were red flags everywhere and I feel really stupid for not figuring it out sooner (I saw the things I only wanted to see), I just wanted to have a respectful relationship were I never looked into his phone or evaded his privacy because that's how it should be, if I did any of those things i would of found out sooner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milly007 Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 It sounds like you dodged a major bullet, OP. After what he did to you, I cannot imagine being with someone like that for the long-term. I don't know how anyone could marry someone like that. Don't be so hard on yourself. Some people are just master manipulators, which makes picking up on any red flags extremely difficult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 I found out that they were engaged because she took the liberty of sending me a picture of the ring and telling me that she decided to forgive him and wants me to never be in communication with him again. On discovery day we both agreed to leave him, only one of us obviously meant it. Looking back there were red flags everywhere and I feel really stupid for not figuring it out sooner (I saw the things I only wanted to see), I just wanted to have a respectful relationship were I never looked into his phone or evaded his privacy because that's how it should be, if I did any of those things i would of found out sooner.I'm not a fan of snooping but I'll tell ya... if there is suspicious activity going on that causes my gut to start niggling ... well then. What were some of the red flags you didn't heed. (if you care to share) Maybe your situation will help others that are ignoring their own red flags. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 You "won" big time! This guy is a lying cheat! You don't want a future with that!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 I found out that they were engaged because she took the liberty of sending me a picture of the ring and telling me that she decided to forgive him and wants me to never be in communication with him again. On discovery day we both agreed to leave him, only one of us obviously meant it. Looking back there were red flags everywhere and I feel really stupid for not figuring it out sooner (I saw the things I only wanted to see), I just wanted to have a respectful relationship were I never looked into his phone or evaded his privacy because that's how it should be, if I did any of those things i would of found out sooner. She sounds pathetic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopelessinlov3 Posted August 28, 2016 Author Share Posted August 28, 2016 He began to be extremely informative telling me where he was at all times even when I didn't even ask, now I realize to not raise suspicion or have me call when he was with her. The days he used to have off from work all of a sudden changed to having to work because of an increase in business. He would make sure that we went out for nice date nights for quality time before he went out with the "boys", really with her on their date night. He would come home from the gym not hungry and insist on taking it into work as lunch, when he was eating at her house before coming home. The holidays that we didn't spend together, I spilt them with my family and his, he would be extremely unavailable and say he was busy with the family, he was really with her. When we would be out he would go to the bathroom a lot more or insist on dropping me off at the restaurant before parking the car so I could grab the table, he really needed that time to check in with her. I know all of this because I had the heart breaking experience of exchanging notes with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopelessinlov3 Posted August 28, 2016 Author Share Posted August 28, 2016 Crazy, I can't wrap my head around it. She was talking about having a baby with him. Like getting a ring makes everything he did disappear. Makes me nauseous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 He began to be extremely informative telling me where he was at all times even when I didn't even ask, now I realize to not raise suspicion or have me call when he was with her. The days he used to have off from work all of a sudden changed to having to work because of an increase in business. He would make sure that we went out for nice date nights for quality time before he went out with the "boys", really with her on their date night. He would come home from the gym not hungry and insist on taking it into work as lunch, when he was eating at her house before coming home. The holidays that we didn't spend together, I spilt them with my family and his, he would be extremely unavailable and say he was busy with the family, he was really with her. When we would be out he would go to the bathroom a lot more or insist on dropping me off at the restaurant before parking the car so I could grab the table, he really needed that time to check in with her. I know all of this because I had the heart breaking experience of exchanging notes with her. Yup you dodged a massive bullet. He will be doing the same things to this new girl before long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 Something similar happened to me, OP. Me ex is now married to and has a baby with his affair partner. (We're from a small town, word gets around!) However, I can honestly say I really don't care anymore. After we separated, we went full No Contact. I made some major changes in my life and set myself on a much happier path. The difference in my case is that his affair partner knew me and knew we were together. I am glad I don't have to be married to someone who has shown their capacity for dishonesty. I also have an old friend who is on the other side of the equation. She found out her guy had also been leading a double life for a couple years, and she plotted together with his other girlfriend to confront him. They did, and they both left him. But months later my friend took him back (!?!?!) Now they are married and have two kids. But I can tell you she's never really gotten over what he did. I know she tries to put on a brave face and make like it's all in the past (this was maybe 10 years ago now) but I know she has serious problems trusting him and has never felt totally secure since her discovery. I tell you this to highlight the fact that while it may seem they have "won", they really haven't. I can practically guarantee his finacee is riddled with insecurity about him and makes a big show of the engagement to cover up the fact that she knows he's a lying cheat. You got rid of a man who was never the person you thought he was. She got what? A man who is very good at lying, is self-serving, and has zero understanding of loyalty? Pfft. Good luck to her! She will need it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
westwardho18 Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 The person you loved is the neighbourhood bike he is a con man and you dodged a bullet pitty the poor fool he is conning down the isle imagine the she will have to deal with at least you got away without the paperwork Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopelessinlov3 Posted September 12, 2016 Author Share Posted September 12, 2016 UPDATE: I cracked and through mutual friends on Facebook, I was able to see pictures from the engagement party and I'm sick to my stomach. They look so happy, HE looks so happy, and I can't help beat myself up over all of. Did he magically have a character transplant for her? Does karma really exist? Did the past four years of our life mean nothing to him that he is so easily able to make maritial vows to another? When will this pain ever end? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Lesson learned...looking at the pictures made you feel awful. So don't look anymore. Be kind to yourself. If we're being mean to ourselves we can't really expect others to he nice to us. He was wrong for you. Someone else will be right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 No such thing as a character transplant. He's happy because he was able to get away with what he did. It's a matter of time before he does the same thing to her with another women, only by that time, she will be stuck in a marriage with him and probably with a baby too. He's no prize. Sure, she "got" him but he's no prize at all because he is not faithful. He is not happy because of the commitment, he's just happy that he was lucky enough to find someone dumb enough to stick with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 No such thing as a character transplant. He's happy because he was able to get away with what he did. It's a matter of time before he does the same thing to her with another women, only by that time, she will be stuck in a marriage with him and probably with a baby too. He's no prize. Sure, she "got" him but he's no prize at all because he is not faithful. He is not happy because of the commitment, he's just happy that he was lucky enough to find someone dumb enough to stick with him. Believe this point about character. I've been around long enough to see it play out, even if you have to wait a decade. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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