Should I give my insecure ex boyfriend a chance now that he’s in therapy?

[Bee37]

Being in my late thirties, I was overjoyed to meet an amazing man – a doctor, no baggage, who adored me. The relationship lasted 10 months. Within three months he was almost living with me, and wanted to spend every waking moment with me. I knew things were moving too fast but I almost didn’t know how to stop it. He was very pushy and had a way of making me feel I’m not that into him if I wanted to spend time without him. At first of course I wanted to spend every waking moment with him but things started changing. When I did need to spend time without him with family and friends, he would doubt I was where I said I was going, he began to have an issue with my only male friend, my best friend, who I’ve known for over 20 years and who is gay, and says I have an overbearing family because I see them a couple of times a month – they live five minutes away so I’m never away for hours and he’s always welcome. I have introduced him to all my family and friends to make sure he’s comfortable – he’s even become friends with my best friend and texts him frequently. He managed to get the passwords for my phone and computer and started questioning my correspondence with others. I’ve asked for trust and privacy but apparently, I would only be asking for that if I was up to something. I love him, have been loyal and faithful and being otherwise is just not me. My concern is that recently, when I said, admittedly at short notice, that we’d been invited to my sister’s birthday dinner the next day, he told me he only wanted to spend the day with me and that if he was important to me, I would do that and see my sister on a later day as we’d previously talked about. Indeed we did, but we didn’t have any plans for the day in question so I didn’t see a problem. I said that if he didn’t want to come along, I would go for half an hour, give her a present and come home. We got into an argument because he’d had a few too many drinks, he grabbed me and pushed me down on the street. I stood up shaking and shocked and he did it again. I threw him out that same day and now weeks later I’m wondering if it’s possible that he’s trying to change. I miss him terribly and I’ve had a barrage of messages from him saying he’s undergoing therapy and is so ashamed of what he has done – to give him another chance. I know from a reliable source that he is indeed in therapy. I suppose I’m just asking for views on whether such an insecure person is able to change or should I keep walking. It’s been six weeks since we broke up.

[Hermes]

Keep walking, Bee.

 

How could you even consider going back to this unhinged and paranoid person. And you tell us he's a doctor.....

This isn't about insecurity. It's plain abusive.

 

"He was very pushy

 

He managed to get the passwords for my phone and computer and started questioning my correspondence with others.

 

he grabbed me and pushed me down on the street. I stood up shaking and shocked and he did it again."

 

From an article:

 

" Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship."

 

Rough Treatment "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset

 

From:

 

 

[SherrySher]

The above poster is right, this isn't about insecurity, it's about him putting his hands on you and being physically abusive. In some cases therapy might help, but you must understand too that it takes years, not weeks or months. Many times, it's sadly not changeable.

He has shown you lack or respect and wanted to physically hurt you. That should be enough for you to know what the right thing to do is.

[reinventmyself]

Therapy for you may be helpful too. You mentioned your over bearing family. It could be due to your upbringing you may be predisposed to be attracted to and attracting these types of men and overlooking and tolerating their bad behavior for too long. It's something to think about.

Just curios if you've had relationships with other controlling types previously?

[Hollyj]

Abusive controlling and manipulative! What are you thinking???? This guy has already shown you who he is, do you want to end up dead!

 

He is a classic abuser. I suggest you research the cycle of abuse and contact a hotline and get help.

 

Don't EVER give up you family, passions and friends for a partner! Very unhealthy!

 

Get therapy!

[Hollyj]

Abusive controlling and manipulative! What are you thinking???? This guy has already shown you who he is, do you want to end up dead!

 

He is a classic abuser. I suggest you research the cycle of abuse and contact a hotline and get help.

 

Don't EVER give up you family, passions and friends for a partner! Very unhealthy!

 

Get therapy!

 

Therapy takes years with his type of character.

 

Ugh. Meant to add to other post.

[Bee37]

Thank you for your reply reinventmyself. In answer to your question, no never. This is the first time I've experienced an individual like this hence why I probably missed all the red flags at the start. I wouldn't say my family are over bearing. They live locally and so pop ins twice a month seem reasonable to me - it's his view that they're over bearing even though we saw his parents just as often. You're right about getting therapy for myself and it's booked in already x

[Matt3939]

Just curious what type of DR? My past relationship sounds alot like yours. She tried to alienate me. I'd like to go to my parents every 2 weeks or so on fridays. To go out to diner. She would accuse me of seeing somone. She would also go to therapy. Therapy only helps if you are trying to correct the right problem. I can almost grantee she was going just to talk about my magical problems for reinsurance. Do I know this no. I begged her to go with me to a therapist it never happened. She was one herself. I absolutely missed the red flags I never had to deal with a person like that. Be lucky it was only 10 months mine was 4 years. Good luck.

[Bee37]

Thanks for your reply Matt3939. This guy is an emergency doctor. So, so intelligent which makes it even harder to understand why what goes on in his head does!

[Hermes]

Bee. IQ and EQ, two very different things. Intelligence has nothing to do with it.

A lot of mentally ill people are extremely intelligent.

 

Poor emotional control (pushes you, twice, to the ground, and in the street!), controlling, pathologically jealous, in essence stalked your internet stuff.

[reinventmyself]

I won't belabor my recent experience, but his vocation was impressive and he was massively insecure.

I couldn't reconcile the two.

But it's true. Don't underestimate it and I promise you, it would have escalated.

I am glad he's going to therapy. It will be a long, grueling process and depending on so many unknown variables a quick fix isn't possible.

I am currently reading a book on attachment styles. (homework from my therapist) Interesting read and depending on our upbringing and

other experiences we are for the most part hardwired in these ways. Being aware is just the start. I think we can be aware of how we operate, if willing.

But real lasting change is rare. Awareness is sometimes the most we can hope for. Insecurities run deep.

[Matt3939]

Yes it looks great on paper. I was very attracted to her intelligence was a very different relationship then I was used to. I've worked with medical professionals my whole working carrer. I've found the most inteligent are very specialized and have quirks. I can't speak for everyone but if he was having these thoughts it wont get better. Could it be surpressed? Yes. The problem with that is you get in deeper. He also layed hands on you. That alone should be enough.

[reinventmyself]

Yes it looks great on paper. I was very attracted to her intelligence was a very different relationship then I was used to. I've worked with medical professionals my whole working carrer. I've found the most inteligent are very specialized and have quirks. I can't speak for everyone but if he was having these thoughts it wont get better. Could it be surpressed? Yes. The problem with that is you get in deeper. He also layed hands on you. That alone should be enough.

 

I work with physicians. Some of the more brilliant lack social skills and common sense. Just sayin'

[Hermes]

And, violent people exist in all walks of life and social strata. Upper socio-economic types are usually better at hiding their real self, if they have a real self, that is.