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Some of you may remember me as i have posted previously

 

me and my husband have only ever argued about one thing...his family. I have continuously controlled and hated his bond with them, and how close/attached he is to his parents.

 

we have never argued about anything else..but 'how often he goes' 'how close he is to them' 'how he selflessly helps them all'

 

he tries to balance and manage all his relationships, so sees them every day but knows i don't like having the over often.

 

today is the 16th day at work i have done non stop. it's been hard as i'm away from my very young children, have work pressure and it's been very tiring.

 

end of last week, i came home for an hour to quickly see the kids (he was off work that day looking after them) to find his parents at our house.

 

this infuriated me, so much so i went upstairs after saying hello.

he came in a few times to ask me about my day, but i kept pushing him asking him why he invited them when he knows i'm tired, and have had a long day at work.

 

he kept telling me to calm down and not stress.

 

they left very quickly, sensing perhaps they were not wanted. i was very rude which i am ashamed of.

 

after they left, i then went downstairs and had a go at my husband for being inconsiderate inviting them over when im working, and tired. he doesnt understand where i am coming from saying 'if i invited them at 11pm id understand your frustration'

 

i then had a go at him about the fact i have to work, and almost blamed him for me having to work.

 

we haven't really spoken since then.

 

we exchanged a couple of text, instigated by me telling him im embarrassed about how i behaved and the work pressure is too much at the moment.

 

he replied saying he finds me increasingly selfish, ungrateful and disrespectful. that i have been rude to his parents second time, they have come in a couple of months. that i need to take a look at myself. and he finds it hard to forgive me for how i behaved towards his parents.

 

i went to drop the kids off to his mum's a day later, and she was really kind and nice to me..as though nothing happened that day when they came over. she was actually very sweet.

 

which makes me feel all the more worse. i'm not sure why i get so worked up over silly things, and then continue to take it out on him. he always bends over backwards for me.

 

we haven't really spoken to be honest since this happened. i have made the effort (despite being exhausted from working non stop) on my first day off tomorrow, im inviting everyone over.

 

to be very honest, im not sure how to change.

the same thing happens over and over again.

the same arguments.

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What is the problem with the parents? What have they done to you?

 

Haven't you been advised , BY MANY OF US, to get counseling for your issues? You are going to lose your marriage if you do not deal with your issues.

 

I agree with your husband's assessment.

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Maraais.

 

I think you are probably exhausted from this flat-out working schedule. Extreme tiredness isn't good, and can make one irritable. Also not good for the general health.

Does your husband also work?

 

I ask because you remark that he sees them every single day, so perhaps it is a family business. Otherwise is there some reason why he has to see them every day.

 

Some people are like that, OP. Even when they get married the family comes with them so to speak. Only yesterday I was remarking on two families I know where two lots of married offspring have built homes right beside (as in 10 yards apart) their parents home. That kind of commune would drive me crazy lol.

 

IMO it is nice to be in touch with family but not to an extreme. I know I wouldn't want to see family every solid day.

 

However, the situation is what it is, and no doubt he was always this way even before marriage.

 

So, perhaps try to manage that they visit you when you are rested, at certain times and not when you are frazzled, over-worked and tired.

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They're your kids grandparents also...not to mention your husbands family..I feel sorry for him. Yeah you're tired but family is family, not annoying friends he has over to drink with. I think you need to realize relationships come with the persons family too. Most would be happy if there was family to help out

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***he replied saying he finds me increasingly selfish, ungrateful and disrespectful. that i have been rude to his parents second time, they have come in a couple of months. that i need to take a look at myself. and he finds it hard to forgive me for how i behaved towards his parents.***

 

I agree with your husband. How dare you act so childish in front of his parents and him and your kids? Get yourself some counselling to find out what is at the root of this issue because what you are doing is so nasty to all concerned.

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You have been writing about this issue for the past 2-3 years here. You continue to insist that when you are NOT home, your husband can't take the kids around his relatives and they can't come over. So if he can't have them over when you are NOT home - he is having them over when you are home and you hate that too. Your husband has compromised and had days where he is just home with you on days off. But that's not good enough. You don't like it when your husband goes and helps out ANY relative in need when you are not home. You only want him to rotate around you 24/7. THe kids need to know their cousins and other relatives and if you don't like them, then let him take them to see them.

 

It doesn't sound from other threads like he is a bad guy or his family smothers him. My brother goes up and helps dad move furniture because dad has a bad back. My mom and dad babysit for my sister or have come over every day for a couple hours to help with the kids WHILE my sister is also there after sis had a surgery. It helped because she couldn't lift the little ones for a bit and her husband was working on the other side of town and couldn't help if she threw her back out. Our family genuinely likes eachother.

 

You will end up divorced if you do not fix this. And the only way you won't be is if your husband toughs it out "for the kids" .

 

Your husband is not talking to you right now - so its way past the emergency stage. You need to go to individual and couples counseling. You need to not work 16 days in a row if you want to save your marriage as well, you need to set aside a date night where you are just together yourselves as well, but he might not jump at that idea this minutes.

He sounds like a good guy so he might agree to counseling. But you have a LOT of work to do

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btw, if you are tired, its acceptable to retire to bed early. Graciously say hello to the parents, ask them how they have been, have a small bite and then say "if you don't mind, I am exhausted. You are welcome to stay, but I am going to go to bed."

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I am so reminded of the old adage:

 

"You can choose your friends, but not your family".....

 

But she chose her husband that has a healthy relationship with his family and she is choosing to try to isolate him from them by snide comments, making unreasonable rules where he can't win - and he is tired of playing the game. You can at least by civil if not their best friend . Just because your family is estranged doesn't mean his has to be.

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There has a already been a wealth of good opinions on here and I'll add mine. Having been married for 6 years now I'm finding we're both increasingly wanting to further those relationships. Kids are stressful, marriage can be, work often is. Life just adds up and it's always good to have them to lean on. It doesn't sound like he's ditching responsibilities at home, in his career or with the kids, what's the problem?

 

You have to remember that there are likely no other people that have as much devotion to your husband and kids as they do. It is important for your husband to remain close and I know it is for the kids.

 

I would lighten up. There are worse things than inlaws who love their grandchildren and son.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Although you may agree with her husband, you do not have to respond in such a rude and judgmental way. She is clearly going through some larger issues and needs support. I was under the assumption this was a support group.

 

maaraishuk, you seemed overworked and stressed. Sometimes irritability can occur toward people when you are going through some tough times. Do not be so hard on yourself, but seek support so you can get the help you need in order to live a better life for you, your husband, and your children. Life is hard, but it can be made easier with therapy. Try to take care of your feelings and emotions as well--do not feel bad about yourself but move forward while acknowledging the problem.

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