I have no idea where I stand, help needed.

[Anna1705]

I met a guy 8 months ago and we have been a bit on and off. We met in a shop one random Tuesday afternoon, couldn't take our eyes off each other and he came and spoke to me and we exchanged numbers. We started out dating, had a physical and emotional relationship, and then he called it off about a month in because he worried I may want children in the future and he doesn't (he already has 3, 2 of which he doesn't have contact with). Then a few weeks later we were back on again - but only a few days later he called it off because he "wasn't over his ex from 2 years ago" because she messed him up. But he insisted we remain friends and after I accepted that he became the clingiest he's ever been! So we continued as friends, then we slept together once but nothing was really said about it and we carried on.

 

Then about 6 months in he rang me one evening asking to come over and he declared his feelings for me. He said he had been a fool, he knows he had treated me like crap, but I am his "safe place" and I am the "nicest girl he has ever met" and that he realised now his exes didn't treat him right. He stayed the night (but we didn't sleep together, we just cuddled) and the next day he was booking time off work to match my annual leave, he was making future plans and we started seeing each other a lot more.

 

That is a really vague summary but now I'll explain why I'm so confused...

 

The positive signs in all of this are as follows; I have met all of his family/friends/colleagues, they all know my name and a few speak to me assuming I am his girlfriend. He makes plans with me. He texts every day. I see him 5/7 times a week. He invites me round to xbox nights with the lads (and believe me I am not a clingy girl, I tell him he needs time alone with his mates and space etc). He is tactile. He will happily get undressed in front of me. He compliments me. He tries his hardest to make me laugh (and succeeds, he always makes me smile and laugh). We pay evenly for everything. We go out for meals, days out and even food shopping together (so he obviously isn't afraid to be seen with me). He saw me out with a male friend and my best friend and her male friend once and he got jealous and immediately asked if I was on a date and who the guy was.

 

The signs I am worried about are as follows; he never initiates sex or flirts - we just don't have it although we will kiss and hug (and believe me I am not frigid!). He has never introduced me as a partner/girlfriend, someone once asked if I was his girlfriend and he replied with "this is Anna". There are days where he will text very vaguely, often on a weekend, and I will barely hear from him. He has two facebook accounts - I am only friends on the one he uses less. And he has never got rid of his online dating account/app (he has only logged on it a handful of times however).

 

If this was someone else I would say that he obviously likes the girl, but I think he is using her for companionship because he is not sure what he wants. And whilst she is giving him the companionship he will take it because he can have the best of both worlds - be in a kind of relationship but not have to give up his single status completely.

 

Or is he so afraid of getting hurt because of what his exes have done?

 

I have given him so much space, time and I have never argued or confronted him. Most of my friends say I must have the patience of a saint.

 

I do not need a "label" or to know we're going to get married or anything, but I would like to know where I stand and if we are on the same page at least. Is that too much to ask? A lot of what I read online says never push a man into asking where you stand because he will run for the hills. And that is the only thing that has stopped me because I love him so much I cannot bare the idea of losing him. I have had 3 serious relationships before, I'm old enough and wise enough to handle what life throws at me. But he has turned me into a feeble girl, afraid of life without him.

 

So my questions are how do you think he feels about me? And is it time to ask him outright?

 

Thank you and sorry if I sound pathetic! xxx

[Bunney]

I read an amazing article online that basically says - if someone is not "Hell YES!" about being with you, then it's a "no".

 

[

 

do read! It'll open your eyes and change your perspective completely.

 

 

And for the lazy ones, here's an important bit from the article.

 

" As you can see, The Law of “F*ck Yes or No” implies that both parties must be enthusiastic about the prospect of one another’s company. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for people who they are not excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them.

 

This may sound a bit idealistic to some. But The Law of “F*ck Yes or No” has many tangible benefits on your dating life:

 

1. No longer be strung along by people who aren’t that into you. End all of the headaches. End the wishing and hoping. End the disappoint and anger that inevitably follows. Start practicing self-respect. Become the rejector, not the rejected.

2. No longer pursue people you are so-so on for ego purposes. We’ve all been there. We were so-so about somebody, but we went along with it because nothing better was around. And we all have a few we’d like to take back. No more.

3. Consent issues are instantly resolved. If someone is playing games with you, playing hard to get, or pressuring you into doing something you’re unsure about, your answer is now easy. Or as I often like to say in regards to dating, “If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.”

4. Establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them. Maintaining strong boundaries not only makes one more confident and attractive, but also helps to preserve one’s sanity in the long-run.

5. Always know where you stand with the other person. Since you’re now freeing up so much time and energy from people you’re not that into, and people who are not that into you, you now find yourself perpetually in interactions where people’s intentions are clear and enthusiastic. Sweet! "

[Anna1705]

Thank you will check it out

[IAmFCA]

You are not getting your needs met, because you would like a sex life, and would like to feel like someone wants you and only you.

 

Spend less time with him. You are letting yourself be his life partner yet you left your voice at home. Be fair to yourself.

 

Pull back until what you invest is balanced with what he offers.

[Anna1705]

Thank you, you're right that I'm not getting my needs met and I don't feel wanted by him all if the time. I will give it a go and see how he reacts.

[katrina1980]

Thank you, you're right that I'm not getting my needs met and I don't feel wanted by him all if the time. I will give it a go and see how he reacts.

 

No, don't do it to 'see how he reacts'.

 

Do it for YOU, for your own emotional health and well being.

 

No matter what he feels or doesn't feel should not matter to you.

 

The man has obviously got some major issues, with commitment and emotional (and physical) intimacy.

 

Clearly!!

 

You can be his "friend" and "safe place" until hell freezes over, it won't help.

 

You don't need to be helping him anyway.... you are not his therapist, or his mother.

 

Let him get his own help.

 

The only person you need to help is yourself, and you do that by, in my opinion, walking away from this lunacy.

 

His behavior is crazy making, as you are surely realizing by now.

 

You still have some control here, use it and move on.

 

I'm sorry.

[katrina1980]

Deleted... double post.

[katrina1980]

Apologies for the double post. I meant to edit and it posted it again.

[tigerkitty]

He's getting the best of both worlds here while you aren't getting what you want. I agree that you should pull back, say you're busy for a few days and reply less to his texts, make him realise he could lose you if he doesn't start giving as much as he gets and see what happens. If he doesn't adjust his behaviour and realise what a prat he's been then move on.

[Anna1705]

Ahh don't apologise, I appreciate upfront advice and that's why I put this on here. I need people to tell me to stop being silly, I am realising this is not right and slowly starting to think he is taking advantage and having his cake and eating it. And that's what I need advice about, do I give him a chance and talk about it or just walk away and move on?

 

All the things you read online say "a man is using you for sex" but clearly he isn't, he's using me for the girlfriend things without the label!

[Anna1705]

Thank you perhaps he always expects I'm going to be there and doesn't need to change his attitude because I always am there. It's definitely time for things to change because I don't want to have wasted a good year or more of my life chasing after something that is never going to make me happy.

[katrina1980]

Ahh don't apologise, I appreciate upfront advice and that's why I put this on here. I need people to tell me to stop being silly, I am realising this is not right and slowly starting to think he is taking advantage and having his cake and eating it. And that's what I need advice about, do I give him a chance and talk about it or just walk away and move on?

 

 

 

**All the things you read online say "a man is using you for sex" but clearly he isn't, he's using me for the girlfriend things without the label!

 

Because he has commitment issues. He is uncomfortable with physical intimacy (combined with the emotional intimacy) as both together suggest *commitment* which he is attempting to avoid..

 

One without the other he can handle ..... but not both together. It is a bit more complex than that but that is the gist.

 

Sure you can talk to him but not sure what you hope to accomplish... if he wanted you to be his girlfriend...with all that entails including physical intimacy, he would be making that happen!

 

Not pushing you away with all this on and off, push pull crap.

 

If it were me I would simply say the *relationship* is no longer working for me and move on.

 

But of course you need to do what is right for you.

[Anna1705]

You are right, if a person wants something they will go out and get it. I thought about it the other day and I don't think it's just me, I don't think he will settle for anyone at the moment. He speaks of his ex sometimes and it's clear she meant a lot to him, but if he can't get over her then he will only find himself left behind in life. She has long moved on.

 

And I like how you say "relationship" - not quite sure what to call this haha.

 

Thank you, I am new to this forum and you have really helped me

[katrina1980]

You are right, if a person wants something they will go out and get it. I thought about it the other day and I don't think it's just me, I don't think he will settle for anyone at the moment. He speaks of his ex sometimes and it's clear she meant a lot to him, but if he can't get over her then he will only find himself left behind in life. She has long moved on.

 

And I like how you say "relationship" - not quite sure what to call this haha.

 

Thank you, I am new to this forum and you have really helped me

 

You are very welcome..

 

I have BTDT... so I have a bit of experience with this.

 

Best of luck as you move forward!!

[Iggy5129]

I read an amazing article online that basically says - if someone is not "Hell YES!" about being with you, then it's a "no".

 

[

 

do read! It'll open your eyes and change your perspective completely.

 

 

And for the lazy ones, here's an important bit from the article.

 

" As you can see, The Law of “F*ck Yes or No” implies that both parties must be enthusiastic about the prospect of one another’s company. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for people who they are not excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them.

 

This may sound a bit idealistic to some. But The Law of “F*ck Yes or No” has many tangible benefits on your dating life:

 

1. No longer be strung along by people who aren’t that into you. End all of the headaches. End the wishing and hoping. End the disappoint and anger that inevitably follows. Start practicing self-respect. Become the rejector, not the rejected.

2. No longer pursue people you are so-so on for ego purposes. We’ve all been there. We were so-so about somebody, but we went along with it because nothing better was around. And we all have a few we’d like to take back. No more.

3. Consent issues are instantly resolved. If someone is playing games with you, playing hard to get, or pressuring you into doing something you’re unsure about, your answer is now easy. Or as I often like to say in regards to dating, “If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.”

4. Establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them. Maintaining strong boundaries not only makes one more confident and attractive, but also helps to preserve one’s sanity in the long-run.

5. Always know where you stand with the other person. Since you’re now freeing up so much time and energy from people you’re not that into, and people who are not that into you, you now find yourself perpetually in interactions where people’s intentions are clear and enthusiastic. Sweet! "

 

Completely agree with this. Have you ever not been completely obsessed and consumed by someone you really truly liked and wanted to be with? No. At least not in the beginning.

[IAmFCA]

Thank you, you're right that I'm not getting my needs met and I don't feel wanted by him all if the time. I will give it a go and see how he reacts.

 

Give it a go and see how YOU react. Pick a female friend to invest in a bit more, and ask her to get dinner with you. Pick a different friend, and her ask her to go to the gym together.