My girlfriend hurt me, but maybe I deserved it? If I did then I will take it.

[ironpony]

About three years ago, when I first started dating my gf, I had a FWB from before the relationship. The FWB called me to catch up on things and see how things were going. She got flurty, and talked about some sexual stuff, that happened between us before and I made some jokes about it out of laughs. My gf got mad at me for doing so, and we had a fight over it. It was wrong of me to do that though, and after I figured that out, I cut the former FWB out of my life, and haven't spoken to her since. I felt terrible for what I did and glad that I learned a hard lesson. Me and my gf have been dating and happy since, I am glad I cut the former FWB out for her. I like doing this like that for her.

 

However, three years later now, she told that back then, when that happened she was so upset, that she went back to a guy she use to do date, who she was still friends with. She was upset and while crying she allowed the guy to begin to have sex with her, and, but after he put his penis in, as she worded it, she then pushed him out and left. She said she thought we were over, cause of how I joked about my relationship with my former FWB, while talking to her on the phone, and because she thought it was over, she allowed herself to be slightly taken by another man for a brief moment.

 

I was really hurt that she waited three years to tell me this though. Maybe if it was back then, at that time, I would have understood and accepted it more. But I feel bad accepting it now. I mean she invited the guy to her last birthday, as a friend and I talked to him all night as we were all hanging out. And now I find out that he started to have sex with her for a brief moment, and I didn't know about it all this time.

 

But maybe this is my fault. What I did was wrong, and perhaps she doing what she did, and not telling me till now, was a justified punishment for what I did. If so, then that is the lesson I learned. I was just wondering what other people thought of the situation, that's all. What do you think out of curiosity?

 

Thanks for the input. I really appreciate it.

[Chon]

Honestly, she should of cut him out of her life just as you did with your FWB back then. What you did no way justifies what she did. Even if you did cheat, that still doesn't mean it's OK for her to screw up and cheat. They are both complete separate issues.

 

Moving forward honestly depends on what you want to do here.

I'd take a few days to think about this clearly.

 

3 Years ago, that "friend" was not a friend of yours. He did not care that you weren't official over. He saw an opportunity to act, and he took it. I don't know whether that dynamic has changed now. Perhaps you are much closer friends now but that doesn't really change the history. Personally I think this would be worthy reason for an ultimatum if you still wanted the relationship to work out.

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry, but I don't buy your girlfriend's sob story. She cheated on you. And used you talking to your former FWB as a reason.

 

Yes, it was very wrong of you to engage in flirty banter. And yes, your girlfriend had every right to be upset. However, this does not give her license to have sex with another guy. There would have been plenty of opportunities for her to stop him before they were actually naked; she didn't. Not only that, but she has continued to have him in her life, with both of them pretending all was dandy in front of you. I would bet dollars to donuts her version of events is the sanitized version. There is probably more to this than she is telling you.

 

She's not trustworthy. It's a shame it took her so long to come clean, but now you know that she is very capable and darn good at keeping up appearances while harboring a serious secret from you.

[ParisPaulette]

Two wrongs don't make a right. But more importantly, why has she kept this guy in her life all this time? I really have a hard time believing he's hung around someone who told him in the middle of the very act itself that she couldn't go through with it. And now he's just what? Going to say, "Oh okay, no problems. I'll just be your totally asexual friend. Think of me as a Ken Doll, no problems."

 

Yeah, why am I doubting her story?

 

At the least I'd tell her that since you gave up your FWB he needs to go as well just so the two of you can start on a totally clean slate with no outside people. If she refuses then I'd take another look at whether or not there's more to the story than she's letting on.

 

I also find it weird she only tells you all this three years later? It should have been over by now and long ago buried, so exactly what brought it all up again?

 

Something just doesn't sound right in this whole scenario.

[Ms Darcy]

Having seen your past posts, you would be better served talking to a therapist than an anonymous forum.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Well I can't really afford a therapist right now per say.

 

She said that told me now cause the guilt was eating away at her and she felt bad, but she didn't tell me back then cause I wouldn't have been strong enough to handle it back then, she said.

 

She kept the guy around as a friend, but now she told me that she will cut him out of her life since I asked her to as well, thinking it might be best, like I did with my friend back then.

[Wolfshook]

Sorry to say this,but she sounds shady. It wasnt right for her to imediately cheat on you (so will she cheat at every bump that happens in your lives?) and it's not right for her to stay friends with this guy. If I were you I'd leave and not look back, because it seems like she was just waiting for a chance to have "guilt free cheat". I could move on if she didnt stay friends with this guy, but as she did stay friends...

[MissCanuck]

Okay thanks. Well I can't really afford a therapist right now per say.

 

She said that told me now cause the guilt was eating away at her and she felt bad, but she didn't tell me back then cause I wouldn't have been strong enough to handle it back then, she said.

 

She kept the guy around as a friend, but now she told me that she will cut him out of her life since I asked her to as well, thinking it might be best, like I did with my friend back then.

 

This is very sketchy.

 

She didn't tell you because she was trying to save her own backside. Do you notice that you had to ask her to cut this guy out, and it wasn't something she did on her own? That tells me they're closer than she claims. I can't quite believe the stones on her to actually invite this guy around you, knowing she's had sex with him. That says a heck of a lot about her character and level of respect for you.

 

Proceed at your own risk with this, OP. She is not the girlfriend you thought she was.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Well she asked me if I wanted her to cut the guy out, cause she will if I want her to. So she kind of asked me.

[MissCanuck]

The point is that she should have done that without asking. That should have been a given, and it wasn't.

[ironpony]

The point is that she should have done that without asking. That should have been a given, and it wasn't.

 

Well back when I had an inappropriate texting conversation with my ex FWB, I asked her if I should delete her to make things right. So am I any better?

[MissCanuck]

Did you have sex with her? No.

 

Did you girlfriend have sex with someone else? Yes.

 

Look, it sounds like you're looking for reasons to justify her behaviour. Only you can decide if it's serious or not. For me, that is absolutely a dump-able offense. You behaved inappropriately, yes. But what she did takes it to a whole other level, I believe.

 

Personally, I prefer partners who don't put themselves in situations in which penetration happens. Your girlfriend is not one of those people. The choice is yours.

[boltnrun]

"Me and my gf have been dating and happy since"

 

Sorry, but I had a chuckle at this.

 

You two have NOT been "happy since". It's been one conflict after another.

 

Let's see, you argue about a prenup, you argue about getting engaged, you argue about money, you argue about your friend who she wants you to confront and not invite to your imaginary wedding, and now you're arguing about her sleeping with another man.

 

I just don't see this as being "happy since".

[MissCanuck]

I just took a look through your previous threads, OP.

 

Given this latest post, I wonder why you are with her at all. Your relationship sounds very unhealthy. Find someone who values you.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. So if she doesn't value me or this relationship, then why did she bother coming clean about it, all upset, like she felt guilty?

[Unreasonable]

So if she doesn't value me or this relationship, then why did she bother coming clean about it, all upset, like she felt guilty

BECAUSE she felt guilty. Her confession to you was self-serving, to relieve her guilt. It is not about you!

[greta96]

This must be one of the most torturous relationships I have seen posted on this forum!

I'm starting to wonder, how come nice, loyal, understanding, kind, smart women get dumped all the time, while this woman you're with manages to keep you in a continuous state of anguish and yet you're still with her with no plans to end this and look out for yourself!?

[boltnrun]

Greta, you wouldn't want to be with a man who prefers to be browbeaten.

 

My ex only got turned on by me if I yelled at him or barked orders.

 

His current girlfriend constantly barks orders at him. So did his girlfriend before me. They are constantly finding fault with him...and he's devoted.

 

It's an unhealthy mindset. I understand a bit, because I too had been in the mindset that "I MUST get this man to love me!" Instead of, you know, this man is wonderful and I love him.

[greta96]

Greta, you wouldn't want to be with a man who prefers to be browbeaten.

 

No, I wouldn't, personally I would be so turned off by it. It's more that I'm shocked some women, cray as they are, are able to find men who stick around no matter what, when I know so many nice, normal women who are unable to find anyone but players.

[milk45wentout]

You either need to put all this bed and both of you agree to drop it as its all in the past or down tools and move on out of the relationship. There is no in-between here. You stay in it and let all those things go or move on to greener pastures. There is no other way.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks, your right. Sometimes she makes me feel like she is no worse than me, by saying things like I was dishonest about the prenup issue before, since I consulted a lawyer to find out what my legal options were first, before mentioning it to her, or how I didn't tell her that I took the engagement ring back, until afterwards, when I made her believe I still had it. Things like that that make me feel like maybe I am just as dishonest in keeping information from her, like how she was with me, with the cheating and all. But then again, cheating may be worse than what I have done.

 

She also didn't like how I canceled the vacation on her cause of the some of the problems we were having and she said I tend to break promises such as the engagement and now the vacation. She also didn't like how I didn't invite her to my cousin's wedding. Basically I had a place to stay, but it was only for one, and I felt like I may be imposing, if I asked for if my gf could come to stay as well. She said that I should have spent the money on a hotel for us, and that me, not bringing her in order to save money, was kind of cheap on my part.

 

Because of this, she asked me if it's okay if she goes to a wedding, which her ex-boyfriend invited her too (which she is still friends with. Not the guy she cheated on me with, a different one), and saying how she wants to go cause she felt appreciated more, when he invited her to the wedding he is going to.

 

She also says that she has trouble getting aroused by me sexually now, cause I keep wanting to use condoms, in such a late stage of the relationship, where I should be okay with not using them now, and she compared it to her friend's boyfriends, who she says do not use them after being exclusive for this long.

 

I guess I feel that sometimes she points out things that maybe I am being unfair sometimes, or not seeing my own flaws, she says? I mean I only talked about the problems, and none of her good qualities. Is it safe to say that from what I have said that the bad overpowers the good, no questions asked?

[greta96]

Yes, it is very safe to say that. It was safe months ago!

[ironpony]

Okay thanks for the advice. Well now she is asking for my permission to go the wedding cause she really wants to, but I don't know if it's fair to say yes, no, etc.

 

But because of these complaints, I am really close to leaving her. I am getting fed up and I feel that she has too many conditions. It's just hard cause I feel in love with her, or at least the person I thought she was before these problems started happening.

[boltnrun]

Maybe she should give you a list of things she requires from you in order for her to feel like you really love her. You can strictly follow her list and never deviate from it. She can add to it whenever she feels like it, and she can place as many conditions as she wants on the items on the list.

 

Oh, but you don't get to make a list of things she has to do. Only SHE gets to make a list. And man, you better follow it or she'll get really upset and accuse you of not loving her enough.

 

OR...you could leave her and find a woman who doesn't have so many ridiculous demands. They do exist, you know.

[Snny]

Dude, man the heck up and dump the Sl*. You really need to have standards for yourself before you let someone mow you over with theirs.

 

That Trick isn't worth it. Having sex with somebody else while in a relationship with you should be a dealbreaker and NO take backs.

 

Grow some balls.